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September 2010 Weddings

Shower disappointment... long

Ok, my wedding is in September, but it is in CT and all my family lives in Maine. So my mother asked for a date in May to throw a shower for me. When she started the planning she was sooo excited. And then  told me it was also my grandfather's 79th birthday and we would do an all in one party! Huh?! Old guys and bridal showers?

So I asked the two BM's on Maine to control my mother and assist. All I wanted was a tea party in the yard with family and friends. That's all.

I don't want to sound ungrateful or like a bridezilla but... the whole drive to Maine I was telling my Fiance that I wanted to buy all the girls flowers for throwing the party, I would buy the lead BM a bigger wedding gift for throwing the party... he told me to hold off and wait until after the shower.

My brother drives me out to the beach at this semi-fancy inn where the shower was. We had a little party, about 12 women attended. There were hor derves and desserts that my mother brought (she was a baker a few years ago). And we all sat in silence. My dad's family didn't talk to anyone. My mom's family was tight lipped. And my BMs and friends sat in a corner away from everyone.

After 1 hour and fifteen minutes, guests were leaving. My fiance was supposed to meet us there and meet more of my family and they left before he showed up. My aunt walked right by him, in the room, and left and didn't say hello.

When I opened gifts, no one made the bouquet from the ribbons. I asked my brothers new girlfriend about the planning and she said 1 BM bought pink and green napkins...those were the decorations. The other BM bought 2 vases of flowers and then took them home, didn't even offer them to me. Games were suggested and shot down. It was supposed to be a nice tea party and 1 of the BMs shows up late and in jeans and a sweater. Everyone else was dressed nice.

I feel like they didn't do anything! My mother paid for the place and the food. They brought napkins and flowers. Total BM effort: $20. This is supposed to be the ONLY shower I have for my wedding and I am not worth more that an hour of your time. I drove 4 hours, 7 with traffic and that's it! I love these girls but seriously! My brother's GF, who is not in the wedding made more of an effort and brought food than my bridesmaids did. I feel like they do not deserve any extra gift for my shower. I feel short changed for not getting the same enjoyments that other brides get, all because my shower was an inconvenience for them. Thoughtless.

Sorry for the novel, I am still upset about this. I put in 200% for all my girls, birthday cards, Christmas cards/gifts, baby presents, dive to Maine for all their events and they put together a bridal puddle rather than a bridal shower.

Re: Shower disappointment... long

  • I understand why your upset. Yes they didn't have to do anything, but then they should have said they didn't want to rather than not saying anything and do nothing. You have every right to be upset and it's not like you're running and crying to them that they're horrible, but getting your anger out here which is good.
  • I'm sorry, I guess I just don't see why you are upset, you asked for a tea party and it sounds like that what you had. To me tea party=boring
  • edited May 2010
    I think she just wanted a bit more of the shower experience with the ribbon bouquet and maybe an ice breaker so everyone could meet and get more comfortable with each other. Sounds like plans maybe weren't iron down like they needed to be.

    Edit After:
    And she asked her BMs to help with that and they didn't. Maybe not so much $ is what she's upset about, but that her BMs didn't help. Yes they don't need to, but then when asked them to help her mom they should have said no.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2010-weddings_shower-disappointment-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:594Discussion:68a5745f-e835-4023-8978-bde0d1f5e104Post:63be6eb9-6fc6-4c3e-9bfc-f5a5297d8541">Re: Shower disappointment... long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think she just wanted a bit more of the shower experience with the ribbon bouquet and maybe an ice breaker so everyone could meet and get more comfortable with each other. Sounds like plans maybe weren't iron down like they needed to be. Edit After: And she asked her BMs to help with that and they didn't. Maybe not so much $ is what she's upset about, but that her BMs didn't help. Yes they don't need to, but then when asked them to help her mom they should have said no.
    Posted by nightmare_of_beauty[/QUOTE]

    This is true, this is why I've told people who are hosting my shower what I expect, but I'm controlling like that. In the past I have built things up in my head and when they happen in reality I get disappointed because it wasn't what I expected. In my other post I probably should have explained that if somebody asked me for a tea party I'd probably do the same thing as her hosts.
  • Once again I am the odd one out...The bridesmaids are there for way more than just showing up on the wedding day. They are supposed to be helping you all the way through the planning process.  My BM knew from the beginning what I expected from them when it came to my wedding and none of them backed out then. So, if they were to pull some of that at my BS I would be beyond pissed. I don't think there is anything wrong with your reaction... that is what TK is for, to share and vent.   However, I do agree with some of the statements above that you stil should give them the thank you gift you had planned on, as well as a thank you note.
    [url=http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thenest.com/tickers/tt12786f.aspx[/img][/url]
  • I think if any of us put ourselves in OP's shoes we would be hurt and disappointed.  What I got from her post (more than the adding up of what people spent) is that almost everyone's attitude at the shower sucked.  I agree that BMs are not obligated to do anything more than buy a dress and show up, but I'd be willing to bet if you did a poll, a large percentage of us get/got way more than that and feel that our BMs/Family/Friends made an effort to make us feel special-regardless of the money spent.  I think it hurts more if you have done a lot for the people in your life and don't get the same consideration, especially on an occasion that is so important to all of us. 

    Saw, I'm sorry this happened and I hope you feel better.
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  • lpalladlpallad member
    1000 Comments
    im sorry to hear this - i know the actual rules of BMs not really having to do anything but show up to the wedding with a dress - but im sorry you are upset :( this is the place to vent! :) but it is true that not evey one gets a shower and its nice that your mom took it upon her self to put one together :) maybe she didnt even ask the BMs for help? thats kind of what it sounds like! but i will still get them gifts for the wedding - the gift are to thank them for wanting to be part of your wedding day - not planning the shower/bach party (which they dont have to do) but i understand how you feel and hope this helps get some venting done! :)
  • I'm sorry you had a crappy shower.

    I am not from the "your bridesmaids don't have to throw you a shower" school. I think when you say yes to being in a bridal party, you know that's part of what's ahead.

    I have been in more than six weddings and when I said yes to being in the bridal party, I thought beforehand of what that meant: paying for the dress/shoes/hair/makeup, planning the shower, paying for the shower, going in on a shower gift, planning and paying for the bachelorette party, and being there for my friend/cousin/aunt/whoever was getting married...be it listening about wedding planning, checking venues/vendors out with her, stuffing invites, making bouquets the day before the wedding, talking about issues that have come up, fixing a major transportation snafu the day of, all those things that go along with being a good FRIEND - not bridesmaid - FRIEND.

    While a few of the things in this post could sound ungrateful, hating on the crappy attitude of the BMs at the shower does not.
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  • edited May 2010
    I agree with some of the PPs--and yeah, we're all ungrateful sometimes--but you were let down by the people you care about most and that's never a good feeling. No, BMs aren't required to throw you a shower, but in my opinion, saying yes to being a BM means being willing to make an EFFORT. Otherwise, say NO!

    Aside from money spent, or even time, they should have made you feel special on your special day. They should have "showered" you with love, and no matter what was going on in their lives, put themselves aside for an HOUR and make it a festive, fun time!

    Lesson learned: we're better off communicating exactly what we want and expect. I'm sure some BMs (mine) sometimes think WTF does she think she's planning, a presidential inauguration?? But to me, I'd rather have them say "I can do this, I can't do that" so I know what to expect and don't get my hopes up.

    Sorry for your disappointment! I'm sure the wedding will make up for it :)
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  • "So I asked the two BM's on Maine to control my mother and assist. All I wanted was a tea party in the yard with family and friends. That's all."

        Setting friends the chore of reining in your Mom?  You cannot expect most friends to do that.

      The quiet, very un-festive moods of your relatives sound like problems your friends really cannot be blamed for.  If they had volunteered to throw a shower that they planned, no interference from Mom,  you might wonder that they did not put in much effort, as though they did not care.

       But your Mom may have brushed aside any input from them with her attitude,  and her choice of the Inn as a venue  should not be blamed on anyone.

        As everyone says, bridesmaids do not have a responsibility to plan a shower.

         You also may end up feeling lousy if this changes your attitude toward them, and then 6 weeks before your wedding they surprise you with a  party time shower (not like Mom's)  with a group of friends.  What they wanted without your Mom in charge.

        Lots of BM's would not even have come to a mostly family shower - they probably  bit the bullet because you asked, and hated every minute.
  • I would be disappointed too, yes we don't all get showers or the showers of our dreams but it kind of sounds like your wasn't even close. 

    Sorry, this happened I hope the rest of your wedding events go much better than the shower.
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  • I think most posters on here get why you're upset - BP is generally people who you are very tight with and for them to not be excited about the various aspects of the wedding, including pre-wedding parties, is a bummer.  I agree with you in this respect.

    But consider the things you're complaining about:  What the BM wore (jeans & a sweater), that they didn't offer you the flowers after the shower, nobody making a bouquet from the gift ribbons, lack of decorations.  These are the things that make you sound whiny & ungrateful.

    The shower is supposed to be about you spending time with the people you're close to, and for them to offer their congratulations via attendance & gifts.  I think these things were accomplished, albeit not with the enthusiasm you would have liked.  Please consider this before saying ANYTHING to anybody who contributed in ANY WAY to your shower - or you'll have some PO'd friends & family to deal with.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked. PersonalMilestone
  • Im sorry it wasn't what you were expecting!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2010-weddings_shower-disappointment-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:594Discussion:68a5745f-e835-4023-8978-bde0d1f5e104Post:1302034f-4141-4f5d-a2d1-d02b92fed1f1">Re: Shower disappointment... long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I want to say that I would be really pissed too... It wasn't just your bridesmaids, it was your family as well. They are all a part of your life, and they should love and support you and WANT to help out and make this a fun and exciting time for you. I have been very lucky and my BM's have wanted to be really involved with everything that we are doing and planning. <strong>I realize that they don't HAVE to do anything but show up, blah blah blah, but they should WANT to help.</strong>
    Posted by kwilde[/QUOTE]

    One would think so...but it doesn't always turn out that way.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />
  • I think that when someone agrees to be a bridesmaid, they know that the bridal shower is part of it. I don't think money was the issue at all. It was that there was no enthusiasm. It shouldnt be thought of as a duty for them to be there and be excited. I actually cut one of my BMs because she had a very sour attitude about being in the wedding and acted like it was a supreme favor she was doing for me by being in it. My mom and my aunt, who is my MOH, are going to be paying for my shower because they know my BMs don't have the money. My BMs are still gonna help with the planning, just not the financial. Everyone just wants to make sure that its a good time for everyone and thats what should be expected of BMs.
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  • " The other BM bought 2 vases of flowers and then took them home, didn't even offer them to me. "


    wow. this part made me angry. have you ever thought that maybe they were only meant as decorations? You are not obligated (as the bride) to get the directions they used. Did you want the table you guys ate off of as well, and the chairs that you sat in? Oh wait, the venue didn't offer them to you. Boo hoo.
  • This sounds horrible and I get why you are upset. No they don't have  to plan a shower, blah blah but come on, we all know what we are getting into these days when you agree to be in a wedding. At least everyone I know does. That being said maybe they had their own ideas of what to do but didn't want to have to 'reign in' your mom or felt awkward doing so. And maybe your family wasn't into it/were acting strange because they felt your family members 70th birthday party was being pushed off for something they deem silly. Who knows?
    Hopefuly when you have a little more time to cool down it won't seem as bad but I feel for you for now...
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