Moms and Maids

Sister-in-Law is a BM, Looming Divorce, HELP!

My brother got married in 2008 and I was a bridesmaid to my sister-in-law. When I got engaged, I asked her to be in my wedding party as well. Now, her and my brother are having problems and he has mentioned a possible divorce. How long before my wedding do I wait to find a replacement bridesmaid, and how do I have the awkward conversation with my sister-in-law?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Re: Sister-in-Law is a BM, Looming Divorce, HELP!

  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    DO NOT replace her.  That is horribly insulting to the person that you ask to fill in.  It is like saying "you weren't good enough at first, but now that I have an open spot, now you've become good enough."

    I wouldn't say or do anything until this "possible" divorce is a "for-sure" divorce.  If or when the decision is made, I'd be willing to bet that she will step down on her own.  I'm not sure I'd go out of my way to make her feel even worse by kicking her to the curb.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-law-bm-looming-divorce?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:713c039c-77e7-4057-81f2-4dfc73707e48Post:096bfaef-7a08-471f-a872-b9b0335f95b8">Sister-in-Law is a BM, Looming Divorce, HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My brother got married in 2008 and I was a bridesmaid to my sister-in-law. When I got engaged, I asked her to be in my wedding party as well. Now, her and my brother are having problems and he has mentioned a possible divorce. How long before my wedding do I wait to find a replacement bridesmaid, and how do I have the awkward conversation with my sister-in-law? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
    Posted by khamreus[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, what Duckie said.  You don't get a "replacement" BM.  This is not a theatrical production where you have understudies or beauty pageants where the first runner up takes on the duties if the queen can't fulfill her "duties".

    How does that conversation go anyway "Hi Ashley!  It's kham.  Well, you know I'm getting married.  My SIL just had to drop out, and while you weren't my first choice, you'll do as a place filler now.  So how 'bout it?  Want to be a BM?"

    WPs are NOT about symmetry.  They are NOT about gender.  They are about having those you care most about stand with you on your wedding day.  If things don't work out for your brother and SIL, you have one fewer BM, and one lucky BM gets escorted by two handsome guys.

    But I have to say that I'm pretty dismayed to think that your SIL's life may be falling apart all around her, and your primary concern seems to be about having the same number of people on each side at your wedding.  How about putting your wedding on the back burner~no, take it off the stove completely~and try being a support to your brother and SIL instead?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Your SIL/BM may be getting divorced and all you can think about is how this affects your wedding?  How about some concern for what SHE and HE are going through, not how it affects your day?  Your wedding goes on the backburner here.  And if you try to replace her, that's just a slap in the face in addition to everything else she's going through.  Don't be "that" bride, who only cares about herself and the wedding and not about the welfare of other people in her life.  I know that you're not her, but that's how your post comes across.
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  • Catwoman708Catwoman708 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You don't "replace" her unless she asks you to, or steps down.

    Until and unless she does step down, show a little concern for what she is going through.  If an opportunity presents itself, and you can ask her tactfully, with concern and sincerity, if she still wants to be your BM, then do so. 

    But so what if they get divorced?  She is still your SIL for now, still family.  I have an "ex" SIL for 15 years now.  Even though we don't socialize, keep in contact, or even like each other that much, I will always care about her, and think of her as family - just not close family.
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