MOH.....failing.

thumperinfun · March 2010

My MOH has been my best friend since childhood and I love her to death but she's really failing at her duties. She doesn't seem interested to go to dress fittings or help planning or anything! She's even dragging her feet about planning the shower! Idk what to do...should I talk to her? My sister in law is being a better MOH and she's only a BM....UGH

HELP

lyndausvi · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohfailing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:af88c1b2-58d2-4f62-9d49-d27157787c27Post:1f86ba6d-3f93-4c65-8fc2-605ee81a712e">MOH.....failing.</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH has been my best friend since childhood and I love her to death but she's really failing at her duties. <strong>She doesn't seem interested to go to dress fittings or help planning or anything! She's even dragging her feet about planning the shower! Idk what to do...</strong>should I talk to her? My sister in law is being a better MOH and she's only a BM....UGH HELP
Posted by thumperinfun[/QUOTE]

Umm , according to your bio your wedding is on July 31. Which btw is an awesome because it's my birthday, but that is pretty far out. You only need a few months to plan a shower and I've gotten BM dresses fitted only 2 days before a wedding before (I was OOT and that was the only time I could get it done). While not ideal, as long as I was ready for the wedding does it really matter?

Point is you are overacting.

mbcdefg · March 2010

If you can find a way to say to her, "Best Friend, I don't think you're paying enough attention to me and my wedding, so you'd better step up and start doing more stuff for me," without coming across to her as a giant selfish chatch, then I'd truly love to hear it.

Otherwise, keep your mouth shut and deal with it. Nobody but your FI is obligated to help you with your wedding plans. It's totally understandable why someone would be less than enthusiastic about helping to plan a wedding that isn't theirs. Accept help from anyone who offers, and learn to accept that not everyone will want to help you plan your wedding. It doesn't mean that they don't love you ... not helping you plan is absolutely NOT the same thing as not being your friend or not supporting your marriage.

stina93446 · March 2010

There are no duties. Get that through your head. She doesn't have to throw you a shower.

golden1215 · March 2010

Bride.... failing.

CTGirl30 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohfailing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:af88c1b2-58d2-4f62-9d49-d27157787c27Post:1f86ba6d-3f93-4c65-8fc2-605ee81a712e">MOH.....failing.</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH has been my best friend since childhood and I love her to death but she's really failing at her duties. She doesn't seem interested to go to dress fittings or help planning or anything! She's even dragging her feet about planning the shower! Idk what to do...should I talk to her? My sister in law is being a better MOH and she's only a BM....UGH HELP
Posted by thumperinfun[/QUOTE]

Well, actually you're wrong about your MOH - since she doesn't have to attend dress fitting for you or help you plan your wedding, she's not failing at anything if she's not jumping with joy over these activities or offering to come along / plan.

It's yours and your FI's job to plan your wedding. If you can't handle it and things are getting out of control for you, either scale back to what you can manage on your own or hire a professional wedding planner.

You ask your BP because you want to honor your dearest friends - not have a little army of unpaid helpers.

suz62984 · March 2010

This post is one big FAIL

aerinpegadrak · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohfailing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:af88c1b2-58d2-4f62-9d49-d27157787c27Post:76f4c610-513a-48a4-92eb-5e8716ad9f62">Re: MOH.....failing.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to MOH.....failing. : Yeah, none of those things are required of her. My MOH didn't go to dress fittings or help me plan or anything! I have never gone to a dress fitting for another bride--it's boring as hell. You're welcome to ask her to help you but she is equally welcome to decline. Go ahead an "talk" to her about it, but you will only make things worse. Even if she was required to do these things, do you honestly think sitting her down and giving her "the talk" will result her saying "You're so right thumper, I've been a terrible MOH, I will make it up to you and go above and beyond!"? No, it will only make her resent you. Going wedding police on people never ends well. Even if she's never been in a wedding before, even if you've always gone above and beyond in weddings, even if every wedding magazine has told you that she MUST do these things, she does not have to and has done nothing wrong by not helping you plan. Your wedding is yours and your FI's to plan. If it's too overwhelming, either hire a planner or scale it back to what the two of you can do on your own. A piece of advice to you: Friends are more likely to go above and beyond for you if you don't assign them things to do. I never asked any BMs to do anything for the wedding. They went out of their way to throw a kick-ass OOT bach party, which I doubt they would have been as enthusiastic to do if I'd assigned them 20 different tasks throughout wedding planning. A good friend will want to help make your wedding a great experience, but nobody likes to be treated like unpaid labor.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
I'm quoting this post because it deserves to be read again. And possibly a third time if necessary, because every word is truth.

jennychavers01 · March 2010

A MOH has duties I agree with you. Anyone in their right mind realizes that if they accept the position they are agreeing to help you. The only option you have is to ignore the way she is being and do those things with other people or talk to her about how you feel. Maybe just ask if she has some time that you could use some help.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohfailing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:af88c1b2-58d2-4f62-9d49-d27157787c27Post:17f1f3b0-1ef5-4f3c-9a68-8709db60bc2a">Re: MOH.....failing.</a>:
[QUOTE]A MOH has duties I agree with you. Anyone in their right mind realizes that if they accept the position they are agreeing to help you. The only option you have is to ignore the way she is being and do those things with other people or talk to her about how you feel. Maybe just ask if she has some time that you could use some help.
Posted by jennychavers01@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

<div>No.</div>

jennychavers01 · March 2010

Yes

bablingbrooke · March 2010

I know you've got "authority" from magazines, movies, TV and lots of websites like TK. But actual sources of etiquette, like Emily Post, disagree with you. So rather than just regurgitating what you've seen in for-profit "etiquette" sites, stop and think.

jennychavers01 · March 2010

And I don't know who put the stick up your ass but you should stop trying to start something with strangers on a freaking message board. I wasn't addressing you so don't address me.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

Actually, you were, but that's okay, you're new.

jennychavers01 · March 2010

Actually I'm not new....I just don't normally like posting cause of all the bitches that attack people. All of you who cannot be constructive without being assholes need to just get a life already.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

Let's tone down the profanity, shall we? There's no need for that. We can agree to disagree on this.

MyNameIsNot · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohfailing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:af88c1b2-58d2-4f62-9d49-d27157787c27Post:56ce7418-7c93-468c-859f-380386da2b1c">Re: MOH.....failing.</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually I'm not new....I just don't normally like posting cause of all the bitches that attack people. All of you who cannot be constructive without being assholes need to just get a life already.
Posted by jennychavers01@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

<div>It really says something about a person when their argument lacks merit and logic and they resort to swearing and name calling. Classy. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, do you really think it would be a good idea to take advice from a person who displays this level of maturity and class?</div>

banana468 · March 2010

Jenny, no personal attacks. I don't personally agree with your points but I'll debate them without resorting to comments that are not only rude and against the rules of TK, but that don't actually help at all.

A MOH has no "duty" other than buying the dress and being there on the big day.

The rest may be traditional but it's not required - just as there are traditional things that some wives may do but they're not required.

DH doesn't always give me flowers on Valentine's Day and I don't always do the traditional "wife" stuff. That doesn't make either one of us bad spouses.

And it doesn't make the MOH bad or "failing" either.

And if you asked someone to be a MOH based on what you wanted the person to do for you, that's so sad. That would be akin to me marrying my husband because of what he'll DO for me in life but not because I think he's the best.

LarissaAnn · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohfailing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:af88c1b2-58d2-4f62-9d49-d27157787c27Post:56ce7418-7c93-468c-859f-380386da2b1c">Re: MOH.....failing.</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually I'm not new....I just don't normally like posting cause of all the bitches that attack people. All of you who cannot be constructive without being assholes need to just get a life already.
Posted by jennychavers01@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]
Wow, mature.

jpickering8 · March 2010

Okay I'm going to give you advice instead of cutting you down. Quick story: I was a BM in a wedding a couple of years ago. The Bride (who doesn't come from much, only had 2 members of her family at her wedding and is not from the area) called me upset one day because the MOH wasn't going to be doing any of the "traditional" wedding things, such as a shower and bach party. I tried to talk with the MOH about all of us splitting the costs so she didn't feel alone or whatever because I feel that every bride deserves at least a shower and a girls night out! There was a lot of behind the scene drama going on between the bride and MOH which ended in the MOH getting kicked out of the wedding entirely and I became the MOH. The real issue came when the ex-MOH expected her MOH to do all of those things for her for her wedding. It ended being a huge mess where neither the bride or MOH attended each others weddings (1 month apart) and are barely friends now.

That being said.. there's no easy way to tell someone they are not doing their job. I also agree that there is a certain amount of responsibility that comes with being a MOH but I would never want anyone to go broke doing so. I would first talk with your MOH about her life... explain to her that you care about her and want to make sure everything is okay. Maybe there is something going on she doesn't want to upset you with before your big day or a financial thing she is stressing about and doesn't know how to manage. Then if there are things that can allow you to spend quality time together without spending money start doing them.. Maybe go back to basics with your friendship.. If she's not excited for you and your big day then why did she agree to the highest honor? Be gentle.. approach her as a friend and just talk to her..

banana468 · March 2010

[QUOTE]That being said.. there's no easy way to tell someone they are not doing their job. I also agree that there is a certain amount of responsibility that comes with being a MOH but I would never want anyone to go broke doing so.[/QUOTE]

1) That's because being a MOH is an HONOR. Not a JOB.

2) The MOH has to buy a dress and be there on the wedding day. That's really it. The rest while traditional is not her responsibility.

[QUOTE]If she's not excited for you and your big day then why did she agree to the highest honor?[/QUOTE]

Just because the MOH doesn't do some things doesn't mean that she isn't excited. I don't think you're being a good friend as a bride if you expect certain things of your MOH. It's like accepting your FI's proposal onlyl if the rock is 'so' big.

megandjay · March 2010

While I agree with PPs that MOH is not a job with tasks, most MOH do go above just showing up in the dress. I am coordinating a shower as MOH with the aunt of the bride- not because I was asked, but because I want to. I am not requiring, but anticipate, that my MOH will volunteer to help with planning a shower for me as well (not necessarily host it though). That is because she is a good and thoughtful friend, and I can guess that she will (and has) gone above.

This sounds more like a friend issue than an MOH issue. If you are having problems, talk to your friend (not as the MOH but as a friend). or just let it go and go to the dress fittings with someone else.

As for the shower, there is NO WAY I could afford to throw a shower out of state by myself, and I don't think the Bride would expect that either. It is often a family member (like an aunt or cousin) or friend of the family, who offers to host the shower. The key word there is OFFERS, you can't require someone to do it for you.

MOH.....failing.

Re: MOH.....failing.

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