Would it be rude to buy my maids Spanx? UPDATED

NatesCupcake · January 2011

We went and tried on dresses on yesterday and i noticed all of my bridesmaids and MOH have the same issue in the tummy area. The dress they all want is an empire waisted chiffon but i liked a more fitted dress so i was thinking i would get them shape wear to help the pleats in the front lie flat. I just don't want to insult them or make it apparent i noticed. They all are selfconscious but none of them wanted to admit why they liked the flowey looser-fitted dress.

EDIT: I just want to say I am so glad i posted in this thread it was my first time and I know that thought popped into my head to push MY agenda for the dress Iwanted. I had mentioned this to my Mother and her response was its YOUR wedding YOU are paying for the pictures. It still didn't feel right so i posted it here

I guess you don't know who I am and are not judging me as a person, but I was not intending to give it to them as the bridesmaid gift we have other nice things and i know that shapwear is no way to show you appreciation. I was just wanting an unbiased opinion on a thought that popped into my head.

I ended up finding a dress that was a perfect compromise. It was the same neckline i likes but a flowy jersey that we both love. I know it will be better than hating the dresses they are in so they are happy or them hating me because i was more concerned about what i wanted.

mcskatcat · January 2011

I would be horribly offended if one of my friends ever bought me Spanx without me expressing interest in shapewear.

Did you consider that the looser dress is more comfortable? And that Spanx might not magically fix the "problem"?

I would go back to the drawing board on this one. Why do you care about the dress being more tight-fitting? I would personally care more about my BMs' comfort, but that's just me.

HappinessByTheKilowatt · January 2011

I would probably conveniently trip over something and land with my fist on your nose if you "subtley" gave me spanx. Just sayin', don't be shocked if you've got a black eye for your wedding photos.

Why not just let them have the flowy dress? Don't you want your BM's to feel beautiful too? Beautiful=happy=good pictures.

mikeynkrib2011 · January 2011

i don't think there is any way to address tummy flubby nicely. as a person with a little extra jiggle in the middle myself, i would be absolutely apalled if my friend bought me spanx. and i would be terribly upset if my friend wanted me in a dress that i felt bad about myself in.

i say, search for a new dress. there are plenty of styles out there that you can all love.

NatesCupcake · January 2011

I guess I should explain that i don't like the flowy dress at all. It was chiffon so the color is going to be lighter than the other dress and will require me to re arrage the coloring of my entire bridal party. I was considering the spanx so they can be comfortable in the dress that I love, but if it is going to bother than as much as the commenter have said I am not going to be a bridezilla and ruin our relationship.

HappinessByTheKilowatt · January 2011

Good call. I am sure with a little searching you can find a dress that is both beautiful and flattering! And honestly, as a woman, I always wear spanx, and don't need someone else to tell me when I need to. Have faith :-)

EDIT: If you want to post the dress you love and the dress they love and the color you're looking for, I am sure those of us with some free time on our hands would be glad to help you look for some good alternatives.

AutumnFair · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_would-rude-buy-maids-spanx?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3a92620e-4e1b-4683-a60e-863884660f66Post:687fd83e-5fde-41d3-9bee-053366f8a95b">Would it be rude to buy my maids Spanx?</a>:
[QUOTE]We went and tried on dresses on yesterday and i noticed all of my bridesmaids and MOH have the same issue in the tummy area. <strong>The dress they all want is an empire waisted chiffon but i liked a more fitted dress so i was thinking i would get them shape wear to help the pleats in the front lie flat</strong>. I just don't want to insult them or make it apparent i noticed. They all are selfconscious but none of them wanted to admit why they liked the flowey looser-fitted dress.
Posted by NatesCupcake[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Not only are you being unreasonable in not letting your BMs pick the dress they feel comfortable in (the empire waist), you are being a jerk in even THINKING of buying them spanks. Wow, you definitely need to rethink your priorities because right now, you are being extremely selfish.
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</div><div>

</div></div>

AutumnFair · January 2011

Good call OP.

vicki0508 · January 2011

It would be beyond rude. Not all BM dresses have to match, especially if you have girls with differing body shapes. You aren't the one who is buying and wearing the dress, so you should let them get the dress they like the most. Not aesthetically pleasing you as much as "fitted" dresses is not a good enough reason to force them to wear something they don't like and aren't comfortable in.

And honestly, so what if the colors don't exactly match. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a huge deal. Shouldn't the comfort of your friends be more important than uniformity?

FutureJilliannD · January 2011

Yeah, its rude. It will probably hurt their feelings. I mean you are basically saying you are too fat for this dress...

HappinessByTheKilowatt · January 2011

Try something like these, that are not chiffon, are a little form fitting, but not so form fitting that the ladies have to worry about their bellies:

http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Strapless-Ruched-Satin-Ball-Gown-F13974_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-All-Bridesmaid-Dresses

http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Textured-Satin-Dress-with-Pleated-Bodice-F14033_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-All-Bridesmaid-Dresses

http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Strapless-Slim-Charmeuse-Gown-with-Ruched-Waist-F14227

aerinpegadrak · January 2011

I think that comfortable and happy BMs always look better in pictures than uncomfortable and miserable BMs wearing exactly the dress you envisioned. Sometimes your wedding dreams need to make concessions to reality.

mkrupar · January 2011

I know some "skinny-minny" girls that would be uncomfortable in a form fitting dress. Buying them spanx wouldn't solve that problem. If they're not comfortable, they're not comfortable. Buying them spanx wouldn't do any good and would only insult them. If I opened up a bag from a bride expecting it to be a nice BM gift and was looking at a pair of spanx I would throw those spanx in her face and removed myself from the wedding. And probably her life.

tldh · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_would-rude-buy-maids-spanx?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3a92620e-4e1b-4683-a60e-863884660f66Post:687fd83e-5fde-41d3-9bee-053366f8a95b">Would it be rude to buy my maids Spanx?</a>:
[QUOTE]We went and tried on dresses on yesterday and i noticed all of my bridesmaids and MOH have the same issue in the tummy area.<strong> The dress they all want is an empire waisted chiffon</strong> but i liked a more fitted dress so i was thinking i would get them shape wear to help the pleats in the front lie flat. I just don't want to insult them or make it apparent i noticed. They all are selfconscious but none of them wanted to admit why they liked the flowey looser-fitted dress.
Posted by NatesCupcake[/QUOTE]

If they all want this dress, why are you not going along with this?

I;m also pretty sure your BMs are aware of trouble areas and don't need you pointing it out. If a friend (hell, anyone for that matter) offered to buy me shapewear or suggested I needed it, I would be highly offended.

ETA - just read your reason why. Can they pick out an empire dress with a fabric and color that you like?

CaseyandSalley · January 2011

oh goodness, this is exactly the reason why I gave them a color and they picked their dresses! Id never ever buy them shapewear, its rude

marinabreeze · January 2011

What do the BMs have to "admit" to you, OP? They feel that the flowy empire-waist dress was more flattering to their figures, i.e. their pick looked better on them than what you had in mind.

I agree with PPs. There is no way I'd be cool with the bride giving me Spanx as a BM. Most shapewear, including Spanx, smooths you out, but it doesn't magically give you a brand new shape or make you skinny when you're not. And in any case, besides the fact that I am really picky about shapewear and I think that's way too personal and individual for someone else to pick out for me, I already know my "problem" areas and would be royally p.o.ed if The Bride felt the need to point them out to me via Spanx or any other shapewear.

Please don't be that guy.

I somehow doubt that a slightly lighter color will screw up your entire palate. But even if that's in fact the case, why not take PPs' suggestion and look into empire-waist dresses in a different fabric, or alternately, find the chiffon dresses in a complementary color that will not cause you to change your palate significantly? At the end of the day, it will look better to have happy, comfy BMs than miserable ones in your perfect dress.

ETA: I noticed that you are backing away from the Spanx idea. That's good. There are alternatives, and it'll be good to at least look into them to see if they might work in your case.

Kniblet · January 2011

Don't give anyone Spanx unless they ask for them. You might as well have dinner with them and started pointing out their flaws.

And keep in mind, Spanx don't always work. Quite a few women that I know, even the thinner ones with a little tummy problem, found that Spanx made it all look worse. It's not a cure all.

And I get that you don't like the flowing waist.... but THEY have to wear the dresses. I gave my girls a color, length, and fabric. They chose what felt right for them, not me. Seeing them happy and confident in dresses that THEY chose made me beam even more on wedding day.

immaeetu · January 2011

I'm glad you reconsidered.

I can't imagine why you even thought that it could ever be okay to buy your bridesmaids shapewear. Why not have a hazing where you make them strip naked and circle all their problem areas with a sharpie while you're at it?

jcamm11 · January 2011

I see from your second posting you decided against this, very good! I'm not even overweight, but I do have some friends who are smaller than me. I can tell you, nothing makes you see red like 'advice' from a well meaning thinner friend.

And I agree with the PP who said spanx sometimes make you look worse. I always find they make my tummy look bigger. Let them go with a looser fitting dress.

laurenes · January 2011

I saw your second post and I'm glad to see you reconsidered. If my friend bought me spanx that would be the day I quit the bridal party. Beyond rude. And your friends shouldn't be expected to confess their body hang-ups to you for the sake of a bridesmaid dress.

Additional, as the moderater mentioned - spanx do not cure the problem. As someone who's "problem" area is the tummy, they will not make you look any significantly better in a dress.

Unless this is a drastically different color of dress, it's not going to matter if you dresses are the exact as the rest of the wedding color. If you really, seriously, cannot stand the color of this dress, I would suggest either finding a similar dress from a vendor that provides it in a most suitable color, or just look for an alternate dress altogether.

Simply Fated · January 2011

I just wanted to jump in real quick to say... my friend suggested I wear spanx to her wedding and I was horribly hurt. I hadn't realized how much weight I had gained and that was not how I wanted to find out.

There are plenty of materials and styles to choose from, I'm sure you'll find something great for your girls!

janicejab · January 2011

Yes. It would be rude. Don't do it. Maybe the BMs would be more comfortable in the flowy dress because the dress itself is more comfortable, not because they feel self-concious. Isn't it pretty warm in May in California too? Would you want to wear a tight dress and Spanx in warm weather? Cause I wouldn't.

Missy5580 · February 2011

Would you want your bridesmaids to buy you a girdle as a bridal shower present?

squeakyduck · February 2011

Firstly, I hate empire waists in flowy fabrics. They make me look pregnant. Spanx wouldn't help this because it's the fabric, not my body, that's the problem.

Secondly, I read the title of this thread to my 16 year old brother, and after I explained what Spanx are, he said, "umm...yes!"

Ask yourself how you would feel if someone did this to you.

SSaltzman87 · February 2011

I'm glad you reconsidered this idea. If I were your friend, I would've thrown them back in your face and told you to get another BM. Just the fact that you even considered it is inexcusable IMHO. They're your friends, not props.

mizzicantwait · February 2011

it would be rude to buy it for them with out them asking... but maybe tip toe around the situation. Idk, tell them how amazing Spanx are and how they have worked great on you and ask them if they had a similar experience or something... just an idea!

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