Wedding Etiquette Forum

FI-related... I could really use some help/advice.

CN: My otherwise wonderfully attentive, responsible, and egalitarian FI can't do a single WR thing without being asked a dozen times. It's really making me mad now. WWYD?

I think this is the first time I've written here for FI advice, probably because I really don't have much to complain about, and I tend to be a somewhat private person about this stuff, but I'm honestly stumped. I fear this may become long. Sorry.

I know I've mentioned before about the long hours that FI works (usually 8 to 8, sometimes he gets out by 6:30, sometimes he has to stay until 10 or 11). My schedule is easier since I'm a grad student and now I'm done with my program. In the beginning of wedding planning (two years ago), we decided that we wanted to work evenly on wedding stuff. It became clear after a few months that I'd be the one doing the majority, mostly because he didn't care about picking out centerpieces and I also had more time/desire to do stuff.

About a year ago, it became clear that I was doing absolutely everything. It really bothered me, but we talked about it, and it just seemed like it was the way it was going to have to be. FI spends all day on spreadsheets, designing stuff, and calling vendors, which is exactly what the wedding work would be. I can see why he wouldn't want to come home and do more of the same. I've also enjoyed doing it up until recently, so it seemed reasonable enough. He does more than half of the housework, so it was sort of an exchange.

One thing stands out as a big issue, though. If I ask him to do one WR thing that I really can't do (like call his parents about something, do something GM-related), I have to ask him 5 to 10 times until it actually happens. Nothing else in our relationship (housework, other responsibiliteis) is like this, and it baffles both of us. Every time I bring up how frustrated it makes me, he apologizes, promises to do stuff without being hounded, and seems really upset that he messed up. We've now literally had this same conversation once a month for the past six months, and I'm at a loss. Nothing has changed.

Do you guys have any ideas, suggestions, or experiences? It's really upsetting both of us, and I'm out of ideas. Thanks for reading my novel.

ETA: Also, if you think I'm being unrealistic, I'd really like to know. I'm sure I have an equal hand in this.
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Re: FI-related... I could really use some help/advice.

  • I've taken charge of almost everything wedding related but I'm a control freak and like things done my way so my fiance is content with that. If it bothers you that much, talk to him again. Since he deals with spreadsheets all day, he might want a break and not want to come home to call vendors and be on spreadsheets again
  • I usually just talked to Nick's mom if I needed help with something (guest list issues, whatever) but I'm also pretty close with her and feel comfortable doing that.

    Nick didn't do anything, and if I asked him to do something more than twice, I just gave up.  As long as it got done, I was happy. 

    Have you looked into hiring a wedding planner or DOC?  Mine helped a ton.  It might help relieve some of the stress on you too.
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  • We have to same problem, except he is really into the wedding stuff until it becomes time to make real decisions.  He does the same thing where he apologizes profusely (and genuinely) and then he does it again.  It can definitely be frustrating.

    sorry, I don't really know what to tell you!
  • I read this to H and he said "suck it up and just let it go. If that's all that's bothering you about him, just let it go. You're only three months and three days away from the wedding so just keep asking him five times to do everything until he does it, it's only for another three months. At this point, it's the norm, so just don't get upset about it, just ask him the five or six times until he does it. He's not doing it because it makes you mad."

    So there's a guy's perspective for you, I guess.

    Honestly, H and I do this all the time where I'm explicit about how he makes me feel and it just takes him 15 conversations until he really gets it and then he starts trying. It's annoying as hell, but he gets there.
  • I've pretty much given up on my FI as he's done the same thing.

    But... there are certain tasks that he has promised to do, and I have finally told him that I'm going to stop helping him with them.  He's responsible for the honeymoon, the groomsmen (and groom's) attire and all music.  As we're only four months from the Day, he's beginning to understand that he'd better start doing something or there won't be music or a honeymoon and the groomsmen will be left to their own clothing devices.  Suddenly, this weekend, he started creating song lists for the DJ, started talking to people about bands, started thinking about suits and honeymoon locations.

    When your FI is ready, he'll be ready.  But I'd probably limit his to-do list to things that interest him or he'll have little incentive to be involved.
  • We had very similar issues with planning.  And I wish I could offer advice, but the only thing that worked for me was turning into a total nag.  Not in a whiny way, but just in a keep reminding him way.  I often ended up kind of sitting there like "Did you do it?  How about now?  I'm going to watch you send this email/make this phone call."  So, yeah, that was annoying.

    I guess the only thing I can say, though, is that when I found something he was interested in, it was easy to motivate him.  For instance, he was really excited about the HM.  I said, have at it.  I listened to his ideas, but I let him make the ultimate decisions.  Since he was interested, he dove into those chores and did an awesome job.  Maybe ask your FI what he wants to do, like choosing music or something?
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  • You're not being unrealistic, Poli... oddly enough I was starting to consider writing a similar post today. My FI is doing the same thing, except he's stopped apologizing and has flat-out started biitching about anything WR. He's totally sick of it.

    I'm pretty much to the point of telling him, "I'll handle it, I won't bother you with anything, and all you need to do is get fitted for your tux and show up sober."

    I wish I had better advice, but that's all I can come up with!
  • polichikpolichik member
    First Comment
    edited June 2010
    I'm really glad to hear I'm not alone in having this issue! I think it's just frustrating because I feel like a mom asking a kid to clean his room over and over, you know? It's not a dynamic I want in our relationship, but it feels weird to just give up and do everything myself. I just don't like the precedent that sets, but maybe it's not as big of a deal as it feels.

    And Laura, I do see what your FI is saying. I know I'm really lucky to have this be the only issue we have right now. I know I'm sensitive about this because my parents have the "mom does everything and nags dad about it" dynamic in their relationship, and it's been poison to them. I know I tend to read too much into everything... Damn therapist classes :P
  • If this is only problem you are having, remember that it is only a temporary problem.  Your wedding will be over in a few months and this frustration will go away.  Unless, of course, he behaves this way in other things in life.

    Honestly, I'm finding it hard to swallow the "it's really upsetting both of us" situation.  If it was really bothering him and he didn't like fighting about it, wouldn't he take some initiative to fix the problem?  Like, say... write down what you ask and do it in a timely fashion?  Problem solving skills here, Poli fiance :)

    I think that maybe sharing the wedding responsibilities fifty-fifty may be unrealistic at this point.  It's only frustrating and upsetting both of you.  Do what you can, give him simple, small tasks and realize that many things you are stressing about now won't be important after the wedding.  My fiance does things that drive me up a wall.  But, after my snarky responses to his behavior that doesn't change, I've realized this is just him.
  • salt78salt78 member
    First Comment
    edited June 2010
    DH didn't help me with anything. I practically had to kick his ass to get him to look at wedding attire. Thank goodness we had a coordinator. 

    So yeah. I'm no help. 
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  • Personally, if I need something wedding related done, I ask with a deadline attached. Example: "Can you please call your mother and ask whether she wants a wrist corsage or a pinned one? I need to know by tomorrow." This has helped SO much because since FI doesn't know all of the details, such as when the florist would need to know this information, he doesn't always do it right away. Also, for him, if I tell him I need it done then he will do it then so he doesn't forget.

    I do have to say though, if he doesn't do it right away or write himself a note about it, it likely won't get done without me asking multiple times. He keeps a to-do list in his phone so sometimes he will put it in there with a reminder to do it. But he is weird like that.
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  • Okay, I think that you may just have to accept the fact that while he may be excited for the wedding, he just isn't excited about planning it.

    I think that generally, we (women) have more of an idea about exactly what kind of time/details go into planning a wedding. Men (my Fi too) just don't get the importance of needing names, addresses, calling parents, etc and really don't feel like doing it.

    He may know and understand that he is disappointing you when he doesn't do wedding related things, but frankly, if he hasn't changed in six months, he probably won't change now.

    I thnk that you have the right to be a little irked, but this might be something that you will just have to bite the bullet on and finish. Let him know exactly when things need to be done by, and ask him if he can do it by X date. Don't mention it again, and see if he remembers on his own.

    Rick will know he needs to do something by X date, and he will always do it on X date, two minutes before the place closes or the deadline passes. I don't work like that, so it stresses me out, and I feel the need to try and get him to complete things on my schedule. I finally started giving him one reminder, and letting it go.

    Sorry he is stressing you out Poli.
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  • Joy, that's the other thing that got me... If it really bothers him, why doesn't it change? I know it does bother him though (he would kill me for saying this) because he almost always tears up, which he doesn't normally do. He says that he feels really bad, at which point I feel like a jerk and usually let it go.

    I also agree that sharing things 50-50 isn't realistic, which isn't actually what I want. It's more that I'm fine doing 99% of the wedding stuff as long as he can do the one thing a week that I ask. I do see what you're saying though.

    Michaelandjulie, I really lilke the deadline idea. I hadn't thought about that!

    Honestly, hearing from everybody else that this is normal helps a LOT. I tend to catastrophize sometimes.
  • FWIW, my DH, then FI wouldn't do a thing either.  I asked and asked, but he was indifferent to everything.  He didn't have any preferences or objections, and left it all to me.  Which I finally accepted as his style.  I planned everything myself.  All I specifically asked him to do was get the ice for all the beverages and make sure everything was cold for the reception.  Which, in the end, he didn't do and I had to ask friends to take care of at the last minute.  I'm not happy about it, but that's him.

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  • I had a similar struggle with H, but it really isn't just WR - he just doesn't commit things to memory often.  He doesn't mean to ignore my requests, he just forgets.  So I ask again.  And again.  Until it gets done.  I get pissy when I have to, but mostly I've learned to just let the frustration go and ask till he gets it.  
    DIY & Planning | Married 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-related-could-really-use-helpadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6cee8dd-8786-4f77-9636-f008c46f8f19Post:773a82da-022d-4f16-b091-9d5e2a77c616">Re: FI-related... I could really use some help/advice.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Joy, that's the other thing that got me... If it really bothers him, why doesn't it change? I know it does bother him though (he would kill me for saying this) because he almost always tears up, which he doesn't normally do. He says that he feels really bad, at which point I feel like a jerk and usually let it go.
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

    Aw, geez... if my fiance teared up over anything I asked him to do, I'd back off immediately.  I guess that makes a solution here even more problematic.  I'm sorry, Poli :-(
  • I went the same route as Shelly. If I needed something done I would call sil or mil and we would combine forces. Dh learned early on that we are a trio he doesn't want to deal with so he got better about things. Then again, his only job was to get the tuxes dealt with and confirm if he liked the paper things, so yeah.

    It never ends here. Dh is amazing about getting most things done, but every once in a while he hits a brick wall and will not do something. I've just gotten used to going "Honey, I don't want to nag you, but please get this done it would really mean a lot to me" and after about 5 times it gets done.
  • Oh Poli you have no idea. We walked out of the reception, got into the towncar, settled in for the ride to the airport, and H turned to me and actually said "Holy crap that was a lot of work!" I flipped a shiit! H wasn't bad through the planning process but anything he had any part in we did together and it was only after I had spent hours researching and narrowed down things for us to choose from. I freaked when he said that. I wasn't mad, more stupefied by his thinking that would be a good thing to say.
  • Man, you guys are great. It really helps me get perspective. I know I really have to watch my tendency to read too much into everything. After working with distressed couples all day and learning about how a seemingly superficial thing can have deeper, bad roots, it's hard to see this as "FI forgets stuff and it's ok if I remind him a million times" instead of worrying that this means something bad.

    I was joking with him that if he wasn't so amazing about doing laundry, planning dates, bringing me flowers, etc. he'd have an easier time of it because this wouldn't seems so out of whack.

    I'm going to try to CTFO (chill the F out) about it, not take it to mean anything more than that he's forgetful, and just remind him a bunch. And even though we can't hire a coordinator, my mom has offered to take stuff on.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-related-could-really-use-helpadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6cee8dd-8786-4f77-9636-f008c46f8f19Post:773a82da-022d-4f16-b091-9d5e2a77c616">Re: FI-related... I could really use some help/advice.</a>:
    [QUOTE] Michaelandjulie, I really lilke the deadline idea. I hadn't thought about that! Honestly, hearing from everybody else that this is normal helps a LOT. I tend to catastrophize sometimes.
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

    <div>It really helped. He also tells me when he needs things done. His parents are hosting the RD and he told me he needed to know who should be invited by last weekend so they could finalize details. It has prevented so many arguments. I like feeling like I don't have to do everything or nag him endlessly about what needs to be done. </div><div>
    </div><div>Our division of labor is probably closer to 70/30 but he really likes to help when he knows what to do and when it has to be completed. It sounds like your FI also wants to help, but just can't remember what you need done. Hopefully this (and all of the other ideas!) will make things easier.</div>
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  • Michaelandjulie, I think it really will help. I have anxiety, so it's easy for me to freak out. It's amazing how much responses to a post like this help! I'm still a little stressed, but I feel really differently about it.
  • Also I saw you mentioned therapist classes and working with distressed couples. I am in grad school for clinical psychology and am considering family therapy. Are you in a related field?
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  • Ooh, awesome!! I'd love to her more about your program.  I'm getting my MS in Marital and Family Therapy in two weeks :)
  • Congratulations! I looked at getting a masters in Marriage & Family, but I just wasn't completely sure that is where I wanted end up. I am in a smaller PsyD program so we focus a lot on assessment and clinical work, but not as much on research although we do have research methods and statistics classes. I had one year of classes, then three years of practicum and classes.  Usually at least half of the practical hours are therapy. In my particular program, we are required to do a dissertation, but not all schools require that aspect. Then there is a 1 year internship during the 5th year. 

    Anyway, sorry to get your thread off-topic. I just love when I hear about people doing clinical or counseling work! 
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  • leaynleayn member
    First Comment
    All my FI is supposed to do is get the DJ...and we don't have one yet.  Everything else is planned, by me.  Sounds like our relationships are pretty similar - he is usually awesome at everything else and we never have an issue doing things for each other. 

    I think there is just something deep inside them that makes them forget about this stuff when they have other stuff in their head.  Last time I asked, mine actually said "but I know how much fun you're having picking stuff out"...yea, not that much fun!
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  • Poli, first of all, congrats on getting your degree! I'm super-psyched for you (no pun intended). :)

    I feel your pain on this issue, and have had a few things (WR and non-WR) come up like this between H and I. And it's not that we both don't genuinely feel bad about disappointing each other, but sometimes part of feeling bad is knowing that the problem is something we might not wish or feel able to change at the time. If that makes sense. It sounds like your FI has the best of intentions and doesn't want to cause you undue stress. But there's still something that continually enables him to make the decision to put his assigned wedding task on the back burner. Who knows what it might be, and perhaps it's not worth digging into just for the sake of sharing the wedding planning. Especially if this is the only part of your relationship where this occurs.

    It's not fair that you have been saddled with the lion's share of the wedding prep, but since even you're beginning to burn out on it, perhaps he's feeling the same way too? Even though he hasn't actually done a lot of the work, he's been thinking about wedding planning with you for two years. That's a long time for either of you! :)

    Knowing you, I'm sure you have had many logical and thoughtful conversations about this with each other. It sounds like you've tried your best so far. I don't really have much advice, but I wish you the best of luck in getting through the last stage of your planning! You will both look back at all of this later and be so thankful of all the thought you've put into your wedding.



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    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • FI was only supposed to do the music. We were going to do an i-pod reception. We're now hiring a dj because we are 3 weeks out and he has done NOTHING. Yeah, I text yelled.
    You're not alone Poli, as the ladies already told you. FI and I actually had a big agrument about this last week, and every other month for the past year. It is really frustrating because I want him to care about the wedding too. I personally hate planning, and he is the one that wanted something big. I realized after our last argument that he does care, he just doesn't get it.
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  • Btw, I feel like I should be paying all of you right now for your advice and therapy :) It's top-notch!

    Thanks so much, Beatles. You always have such an amazingly wise perspective on everything, and I can't wait to hear about how your new job goes!  Since I last posted, we actually had one of our best conversations ever. I honestly think he'd be an awesome therapist, ha. We were really able to talk about how our narratives affect us (his= everything's fine, and if it isn't, we can figure it out. mine=there's usually something going on that we should address immediately or OMG it's going to be a huge issue), and I really feel better about it. He's really such a wonderful guy, and I love that he's willing to talk about this stuff and get into the emotion. Sorry if that was super jargon-y :)

    Jasmine, that sound so frustrating. I'm sorry you're in the same boat. I think I'm going to try the deadline thing that some other pps suggested... Maybe that would help?

    Michaelandjulie (just Julie? :), I love my program for the reasons that you were talking about. There's very little research... Actually, we have one mini-class on it and there are opportunities available, but almost nobody does them. It's a two-year program that goes straight through the summer in between, and there's such a focus on the clinical work. We started coursework in mid-September 2008, and I received my first client on November 1st. It was crazy! I'm going to be at 700 hours of face-to-face work when I graduate, which is so helpful for finding jobs and such. It sounds like what you're doing is a much more thorough, extended version of that. That's so cool! When do you finish?
  • The first real opinions by SIL were at the venue, finalizing the details.

    He wanted two domestic (gave names) and two imported (gave names) of the beer to be served.  Also, he was very opposed to closing the bar during the dinner.

    No biggie to me and M had no objection.  It was their wedding, not mine, so that ruled.
    I don't know enough about beer to even state an objection
  • edited June 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-related-could-really-use-helpadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6cee8dd-8786-4f77-9636-f008c46f8f19Post:26e5a9f1-0af7-4b3f-b542-b5af06e3801f">Re: FI-related... I could really use some help/advice.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Btw, I feel like I should be paying all of you right now for your advice and therapy :) It's top-notch! Thanks so much, Beatles. You always have such an amazingly wise perspective on everything, and I can't wait to hear about how your new job goes!  Since I last posted, we actually had one of our best conversations ever. I honestly think he'd be an awesome therapist, ha. We were really able to talk about how our narratives affect us (his= everything's fine, and if it isn't, we can figure it out. mine=there's usually something going on that we should address immediately or OMG it's going to be a huge issue), and I really feel better about it. He's really such a wonderful guy, and I love that he's willing to talk about this stuff and get into the emotion. Sorry if that was super jargon-y :)
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

    I'm seriously sitting here with the warm fuzzies from this. I love that you guys use narratives in understanding your conflicts! Your FI sounds really introspective like you, and I think your different outlooks on life are what make you a good match (especially since you both seem to like to explore and negotiate your conflicts). It's funny that it takes a lapse in wedding planning for you to be able to see that even more. Silver lining, right? :) And yeah, he should totally consider a second career in psych! Glad you guys have reached a better place on this issue.



    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
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