Wedding Etiquette Forum

We got into a HUGE fight with my FMIL

Long story short,
I've been having a very difficult time with my FMIL these past months.  We've been very close before I ever got engaged, but she's been difficult and uncooperative.  She's very inconsistent, she lies about stuff, and is just a lot of work.  I don't ask anything of her, but she tries to muscle in and get involved, wedding-related or not. She cries because "no one tells her anything" and if you ask her "who would you like us to invite" she kicks and screams that we're demanding too much.  She's going through menopause and has been very emotional and feeling the empty nest, and it's been trying. 

because i've talked to FI, he's very supportive and is just trying to make things right. He's been trying so hard and going above and beyond with helping with our move, wedding, my work, my dying grandmother, etc.  There was another epside, and he knows I was frustrated, so he tried to talk to her, and he's the nicest person about stuff.  She got caught in a lie and so she got defensive and just started saying all sorts of lies and exaggerations, was hysterical about it.   

Now she will not speak to him and  I feel terrible. He won't tell me what she said about me, but it's not good. I don't care about "winning" the fight with her, she can have it, but I want him to reconcile with her because his happiness means more than this power struggle.  I feel like it's my fault--I should've been the one to talk to her, and he's paying the price.  This wedding is less than 7 weeks, and I don't have to see her again until then. I told him to go home after we're done talking and just say whatever he needed to to make her feel better.  Buy her a "BEST MOM IN THE WORLD" Mug if you have to. They're better, but still bad.  She really really hates me now, which I can live with, but it's not a good thing long term.

 But i honestly don't know what to do--suck it up and "apologize" just to make her happy and ok with her son or just let her lick her wounds and let her get over it because she's being crazy. I want him to be happy and not be the reason for a falling out, but i don't want to "positively reinforce" her behavior for things in the future.  Or is this just something I pretend never happened (because I wasn't there) and see if she brings it up?  I don't know how to diplomatically reason with this woman, stand up for myself, and balance FI's happiness.

Re: We got into a HUGE fight with my FMIL

  • Long story not so short.
     
    I hope you've sent out invites by now? So she DID eventually supply you with a guest list?

    What I gather is she said something bad about you, and your H is on your side? That's between them, there's nothing you can really do about it.

    Just be as nice to her as possible and hope for the best.
  • FYI - That's not a short long story.  It's just long.

    The fact of the matter is, some people just have shitty MILs.  You're going to have to suck it up and just let your FI deal with it when she's being a snot wad.  People don't just magically stop being assholes, some are just born that way.  It's life.  So yeah, let your FI deal with it, be mature and cordial with her and move on.
    panther
  • You did the right thing by letting FI handle his mother.  You didn't put him in the middle of anything - she did.  Don't pry him about what was said; it probably wasn't worth repeating, and would only upset you.  Drop it for now - let her lick her wounds.  She and FI will probably figure out their way back to each other after these growing pains.

    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_got-huge-fight-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d7378e6c-16f6-42b8-911b-f14d601ec175Post:288ed95e-eca2-4d81-b287-e51414eb7402">Re: We got into a HUGE fight with my FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Long story not so short.
    Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

    *snort*
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_got-huge-fight-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d7378e6c-16f6-42b8-911b-f14d601ec175Post:8fbbae31-7676-4dac-b62b-7b9da78a6cef">Re: We got into a HUGE fight with my FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]FYI - That's not a short long story.  It's just long. The fact of the matter is, some people just have shitty MILs.  You're going to have to suck it up and just let your FI deal with it when she's being a snot wad.  People don't just magically stop being assholes, some are just born that way.  It's life.  So yeah, let your FI deal with it, be mature and cordial with her and move on.
    Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]
    This for sure.
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    image Robby James born 2.24.12 @ 23 weeks due to preterm labor
    Remembering Robby
  • Your FI stuck up for you. Good for him. You need to stay the hell out of it (whatever it is).

    Don't apologize if you didn't do anything wrong. Sounds like your FI did good. He needed to lay down the law or she will never get that she is overstepping. Sorry, I don't see the problem.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • edited April 2011

    Ok, here's my point--this thing is tearing him up.  She is going up one way and down the other with him.  I'm mad so I talk to him about it.  He's in the middle.

    I am doing my best to let her run her course, but I can only take so much.  She is threatening not to come to the wedding, and he's devestated.   I have never seen him this upset before and it's breaking my heart. I feel like it's my fault because he was trying to defend me, and he's not savvy with this kind of stuff and he should've stayed out.  I almost want to tell her to stop upsetting her son, but I feel it'll only make it worse.  I

     Alot of this is because it's really the worst it's ever been,

    and for those who got their undies in a bunch because it was long...SORRY

  • I think you just need to let things ride. It sounds like your FMIL might be dealing with some other issues besides menopause and the empty nest thing. If she is a compulsive liar like that, she may have other serious issues. But that is not really your problem to handle.

    Like everyone else said, just be polite and respectful around here and hopefully things will work themselves out over time.
  • Still not your problem.

  • Ok thanks everyone, this is just a really stressful situation grrrrr.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_got-huge-fight-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d7378e6c-16f6-42b8-911b-f14d601ec175Post:1877b73a-c3df-42d5-acaa-b7a42da3d944">Re: We got into a HUGE fight with my FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, here's my point--this thing is tearing him up.  She is going up one way and down the other with him.  I'm mad so I talk to him about it.  He's in the middle. I am doing my best to let her run her course, but I can only take so much.  She is threatening not to come to the wedding, and he's devestated.   I have never seen him this upset before and it's breaking my heart. I feel like it's my fault because he was trying to defend me, and he's not savvy with this kind of stuff and he should've stayed out.  I almost want to tell her to stop upsetting her son, but I feel it'll only make it worse.  I  Alot of this is because it's really the worst it's ever been, and for those who got their undies in a bunch because it was long...SORRY
    Posted by MegaMultitasker[/QUOTE]

    I can relate. Not with my MIL, but with my own Mom. The hardest part is letting go and until your FI can let it go and forgive her, then he won't be able to move on. Just be there and support him like you are doing. If you are a spiritual or religious couple, perhaps praying over it or talking to a pastor or minister would help. Try not to let it get the best of you guys.

    Look to the positive side of things that you are getting married in a few weeks.
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    First Comment
    edited April 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_got-huge-fight-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d7378e6c-16f6-42b8-911b-f14d601ec175Post:1877b73a-c3df-42d5-acaa-b7a42da3d944">Re: We got into a HUGE fight with my FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, here's my point--this thing is tearing him up.  She is going up one way and down the other with him.  I'm mad so I talk to him about it.  He's in the middle. I am doing my best to let her run her course, but I can only take so much.  She is threatening not to come to the wedding, and he's devestated.   I have never seen him this upset before and it's breaking my heart. I feel like it's my fault because he was trying to defend me, and he's not savvy with this kind of stuff and he should've stayed out.  I almost want to tell her to stop upsetting her son, but I feel it'll only make it worse
    Posted by MegaMultitasker[/QUOTE]

    He needs to learn how to handle his mother. Period, end of story. Do not "fix" it for him. He is an adult too, let him handle it. Plus, he better defend you. If you get involved it will make it worse (now or later). You will be a bigger b**** in her eyes or his family will know that they can be rude/ walk all over you two forever.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_got-huge-fight-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d7378e6c-16f6-42b8-911b-f14d601ec175Post:1877b73a-c3df-42d5-acaa-b7a42da3d944">Re: We got into a HUGE fight with my FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, here's my point--this thing is tearing him up.  She is going up one way and down the other with him.  I'm mad so I talk to him about it.  He's in the middle. I am doing my best to let her run her course, but I can only take so much.  She is threatening not to come to the wedding, and he's devestated.   I have never seen him this upset before and it's breaking my heart. I feel like it's my fault because he was trying to defend me, and he's not savvy with this kind of stuff and he should've stayed out.  I almost want to tell her to stop upsetting her son, but I feel it'll only make it worse.  I  Alot of this is because it's really the worst it's ever been, and for those who got their undies in a bunch because it was long...SORRY
    Posted by MegaMultitasker[/QUOTE]

    Since you said in your OP, she is going through menopause, the solution is simple - she needs to make an appt. with her OB/GYN and get a script for some "happy pills" - that will solve everything.

    Ok, maybe not everything, but it sounds like she needs some kind of eval from a medical professional. 

    As for what she said - just let it ride.  You have to learn to pick your battles, especially with in-laws.  If she decides for whatever reason not to show up at the wedding, that is her problem - don't make it yours. 
    Anniversary
  • AATB:  LOVE the new pic! 
    Anniversary
  • Thanks abbey!  Isn't it fecking hilarious.
    panther
  • Ignore the behavior, and kill her with kindness for him.

    Teresa & Bill June 10, 2011
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