Socially awkward BM

Catfish219 · August 2010

One of my bridesmaids, who I have known for several years, has turned into someone I don't know over the past month or so. She called me last night and said she didn't want to be involved with the bachelorette party or bridal shower. She doesn't want to get ready with the rest of the party the morning of, she would just meet me and my two other bridesmaids at the ceremony location. She stated, "I want to show my support for you and Jake by just being part of the ceremony but nothing else." She wanted no part in any of the planning of events, which made my other bridesmaid VERY frustrated. I spoke with her a couple weeks ago and said that if she didn't want to be a part of the wedding party, then to let me know. She said that she did want to, however after giving it some thought, she told me she was opting out of the pre-wedding celebrations. I know that she sometimes struggles with people she doesn't know, but this seems silly. After mulling over our conversation last night, I realized she didn't take any responsibility for her actions, she made extremely rude comments about my other bridesmaid and did not tell the truth about some situations. I want to call her back and tell her that I don't want her to be in the wedding at all (she did give that as an option last night, but I didn't take her up on it at the time). I understand this will alter our friendship but I am OK with that because I don't want her as a friend anymore. HELP!

heyimbren · August 2010

If you kick her out, it's a friendship-breaker. Pretty permanent.

The BMs do not need to be involved in the pre-wedding events if they do not want to be. That is not a requirement of a BM.

It would be nice for everyone to be social together, but if she doesn't want to come, who is really missing out then?

I'm not sure what responsibility you want her to take? It sounds to me like she was very upfront and honest with you about what she is comfortable and able to do.

Based off of your post, I think you are overreacting. It sounds to me like she just doesn't want to attend these parties for whatever reason, and your upset that she won't do that. Personally, I don't see that as a big enough of a problem to end a friendship.

Licia&Wayne · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_socially-awkward-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e361c139-5cd2-4709-bdfa-72cb8574186ePost:c9b2c98c-7069-4930-9775-7730e3d1ccb7">Socially awkward BM</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids, who I have known for several years, has turned into someone I don't know over the past month or so. She called me last night and said she didn't want to be involved with the bachelorette party or bridal shower. She doesn't want to get ready with the rest of the party the morning of, she would just meet me and my two other bridesmaids at the ceremony location. She stated, "I want to show my support for you and Jake by just being part of the ceremony but nothing else." She wanted no part in any of the planning of events, which made my other bridesmaid VERY frustrated. I spoke with her a couple weeks ago and said that if she didn't want to be a part of the wedding party, then to let me know. She said that she did want to, however after giving it some thought, she told me she was opting out of the pre-wedding celebrations. I know that she sometimes struggles with people she doesn't know, but this seems silly. After mulling over our conversation last night, I realized she didn't take any responsibility for her actions, she made extremely rude comments about my other bridesmaid and did not tell the truth about some situations. I want to call her back and tell her that I don't want her to be in the wedding at all (she did give that as an option last night, but I didn't take her up on it at the time). I understand this will alter our friendship but I am OK with that because I don't want her as a friend anymore. HELP!
Posted by Catfish219[/QUOTE]

Don't kick her out. You know she has issues in social situations, and it sounds to me like she's being responsible and letting you know that while she supports you and your fiance's marriage, she isn't comfortable with the pre-wedding parties. I think it's really irresponsible of you to call her concerns about the social situations "silly". Chances are she has a real disorder, whether it be anxiety or something else, and I think it reflects poorly on you to dismiss her concerns as "silly".

She isn't obligated to be there for parties or help with planning. It sounds like she knows her responsibilities: Show up for the wedding in the agreed upon clothing and smile for pictures.

Take a step back from this. Take some time to cool off. I'm sure you're upset that your friend won't be there for the parties, but please realize she'll be there for what's important.

Also, without further details, it's hard to comment on the lying and rudeness.

baystateapple · August 2010

She is not required to help with or attend any pre-wedding parties or events. She is required to show up in the dress the day of. End of story.

On the day of my friend's wedding, I (a bridesmaid) got ready at my parents' house and drove over to her place. The bride didn't fault me for it. If she's more comfortable getting ready at her own place, what's the big deal? She'll be there after her hair and makeup are ready.

Is her not wanting to plan pre-wedding events, and not getting dressed and ready with you before the wedding, really worth ending a friendship?

tldh · August 2010

I can tell you why I didn't get ready with my SIL's bridesmaids when she got married: I couldn't afford it. I had just started my first job as an attorney which paid next to nothing, had student loan and credit card debt and simply could not afford to have hair and makeup done. The only thing left after that is putting on the dress and shoes which takes about 90 seconds.

BMs shouldn't be expected to do anything other than stand up there with you. It sounds like she's being told by the other BMs what her "share" of the cost of all the pre-wedding festivities are.

As for her not telling the truth about situations, this sounds even more like money issues. My best friends and family had no idea just how bad off I was for about a year after graduation. This isn't something you advertise. I think you really need to cut her some slack. Also, don't offer to pay her share of anything. That feels even worse. Just let it go and expect nothing but her support and ability to stand and smile during the ceremony,

Catfish219 · August 2010

It has nothing to do with money because I'm already paying for EVERYTHING except the shoes ($83). She was not asked by anyone to contribute to the bachelorette party or bridal shower. She was excited to help plan the pre-wedding parties (she's very artistic) and be a part of the whole thing and then, nothing. She thinks my other BM is "mean" and that's why she doesn't want to be a part of the pre-wedding stuff.

So I guess I'll suck it up. Does anyone have any idea how to answer people's questions when they ask where she is when the events occur?

Licia&Wayne · August 2010

Whew! $83 shoes. Yikes. I hope those were in her budget.

Anyway, if you're worried that anyone will notice she isn't at the bachelorette party or bridal shower (or whatever), a simple, "She wasn't able to come today," should suffice. You shouldn't feel obligated to offer up excuses for her not being there.

mbcdefg · August 2010

It has nothing to do with money because I'm already paying for EVERYTHING except the shoes ($83).

$83 is INSANE for bridesmaid shoes.

She was not asked by anyone to contribute to the bachelorette party or bridal shower.

Are you 100% sure about this? The bride isn't supposed to have anything to do with the planning of a shower or bachelorette, so there may be details that your BMs haven't informed you about.

She was excited to help plan the pre-wedding parties (she's very artistic) and be a part of the whole thing and then, nothing. She thinks my other BM is "mean" and that's why she doesn't want to be a part of the pre-wedding stuff.

Wouldn't you rather her avoid a conflict by staying home, than attending these parties and possibly getting into a giant fight with the other BM? Or having to leave the party early in tears because she's so upset by the situation?

Seriously, read through this post for several dozen posts saying, "Some of my BMs got into a giant fight and ruined my bachelorette party! What do I do now?!?!?!?" Your "socially awkward" BM is being incredibly responsible, and considerate, by informing you ahead of time that she'll be avoiding a situation that could make her uncomfortable or start a fight with someone else. Count your lucky stars that she's kind enough to not bail on you at the last second, or that she's not trashy enough to show up and get into a fight with someone else.

Does anyone have any idea how to answer people's questions when they ask where she is when the events occur?

Why do you think that people are going to question you on where she is? Believe me, people really don't give a crap about stuff like that. And it's none of their business anyway. This most likely will not be an issue.

If they ARE rude enough to hound you for an answer, just say, "She had another obligation," and change the subject. Most people will probably just say, "Oh, O.K.," and leave it at that.

If someone keeps pressing you for information on where she is, ignore them. The details are absolutely none of their business. You don't owe anyone an explanation or an excuse for her absence. If she and another BM are not getting along then that's between them ... it would be very wrong of you to tell other people that they do not get along or that they're fighting, or that your BM is "socially awkward." A simple, "She had another obligation" or "She unfortunately couldn't make it tonight" is more than enough of a response.

suz62984 · August 2010

Them: Where is Friend's name ?
You: "She couldn't make it."
-Not so hard.

Being around people you don't know can be terrifying for someone that is shy. I used to be extremely shy and it crippled me. It was hard for me to talk to people or even go to events where I only knew a few people. FI, thankfully, helped me break out of my shell and now it isn't so scary. I think she needs more support than anything.

Pre-bridal events aren't mandatory. Your other bridesmaids can be mad at her for not attending but they need to suck it up because this isn't about them. This is about your relationship with her. If you don't want to be friends anymore just tell her and the wedding stuff will be understood.

Catfish219 · August 2010

Thank you everyone for your input, I appreciate it.

PeonyPrincesskdd · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_socially-awkward-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e361c139-5cd2-4709-bdfa-72cb8574186ePost:c9b2c98c-7069-4930-9775-7730e3d1ccb7">Socially awkward BM</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids, who I have known for several years, has turned into someone I don't know over the past month or so. She called me last night and said she didn't want to be involved with the bachelorette party or bridal shower. She doesn't want to get ready with the rest of the party the morning of, she would just meet me and my two other bridesmaids at the ceremony location. She stated, "I want to show my support for you and Jake by just being part of the ceremony but nothing else." She wanted no part in any of the planning of events, which made my other bridesmaid VERY frustrated. I spoke with her a couple weeks ago and said that if she didn't want to be a part of the wedding party, then to let me know. She said that she did want to, however after giving it some thought, she told me she was opting out of the pre-wedding celebrations. I know that she sometimes struggles with people she doesn't know, but this seems silly. After mulling over our conversation last night, I realized she didn't take any responsibility for her actions, she made extremely rude comments about my other bridesmaid and did not tell the truth about some situations. I want to call her back and tell her that I don't want her to be in the wedding at all (she did give that as an option last night, but I didn't take her up on it at the time). I understand this will alter our friendship but I am OK with that because I don't want her as a friend anymore. HELP!
Posted by Catfish219[/QUOTE]

Okay you don't want her as a friend anymore because she doesn't want to partake in the bach and shower and other wedding planning? That doesnt sound like a good reason.
I think everyone here can tell you that you are wrong and she is right because all she is required to do is be there at the ceremony to support your marriage. That is all. She does not need to go to bach or shower and she can get ready wherever she wants and does NOT have to meet you at your house or the salon etc. She can get her hair done at her own salon etc. She just needs to show up to the wedding.

Your letting the wedding get to your head if you think your making good reasons for not wanting her to be your friend anymore. You sound 5 years old.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

$83 shoes?? Holy crap. I've never paid that much for a pair of shoes in my entire life, not even my bridal shoes, not even my ballroom shoes. I think I'd laugh in a bride's face if she told me that I was expected to shell out that much for shoes not of my choosing. Sheesh.

I don't remotely see a problem with her wanting to get ready by herself. I've been involved in a couple of weddings where I would be (and have been) all over that option. I don't know the other girls, I have other things going on, I don't want to be forced to make small talk with strangers all damn day, I'm not girly and sort of dread the whole hair-and-makeup thing.

I think you should really get over this whole conception you seem to have, that all of these pre-wedding events are somehow necessary rituals and without all of your girls present and being perfect perky friends with everyone at all of them, you won't be married. You know that this girl doesn't like being in social situations, and you knew that going into the wedding. It's completely ridiculous for you to expect her to change WHO SHE IS just because you happen to be getting married.

A BM's official invovlement begins and ends at the ceremony, so her request to limit her involvement to those official duties is by no means unreasonable. A good friend would have accepted that without question.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

What a shame that money problems are sufficient to end a friendship.

Will any of this matter one day after the wedding? The day after you get married, will you care whether she got ready with you? Whether she wore the $83 shoes (ridiculously expensive and not at all appropriate, btw)? Whether she's buddies with the other BMs? Of course not. So why turn it into an issue before the wedding?

Follow the One Day Rule: If something will not matter one day after the wedding, you don't get to make an issue out of it. DH and I followed that and while it wasn't always easy, come the wedding day and the many, many days since, we're very happy we did.

mgietler76 · August 2010

When I am in a situation with people I don't know well I revert from my normally bubbly chit-chatty self into a nervous anxious hide in a corner until this even is over person. I understand completely how your BM could have been super excited at first and now that the parties are upon her she is starting to freak a little. Give her a break and let her do what she's comfortable with. All a BM is required to do is show up and support the marriage, which is exactly what she wants to do. ($83 shoes?!? are you nuts?!?!? sorry had to comment on the ludrcris price tag)

banana468 · August 2010

I have to echo PPs. Did they say, "Our shoe budget is X." or did you pick out the shoes and ask them to buy those shoes? I ask because as PPs said, $83 is quite expensive for them.

Beyond that, this also sounds like a friendship and personality issue. Is she like this in any other situation? Because if this is a sudden change, I'd be quite concerned about what her behavior may mean.

heyimbren · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_socially-awkward-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e361c139-5cd2-4709-bdfa-72cb8574186ePost:43912c6a-5a46-4d03-b050-51c0ea8befcc">Re: Socially awkward BM</a>:
[QUOTE]It has nothing to do with money because I'm already paying for EVERYTHING except the shoes ($83). She was not asked by anyone to contribute to the bachelorette party or bridal shower. She was excited to help plan the pre-wedding parties (she's very artistic) and be a part of the whole thing and then, nothing. She thinks my other BM is "mean" and that's why she doesn't want to be a part of the pre-wedding stuff. So I guess I'll suck it up. Does anyone have any idea how to answer people's questions when they ask where she is when the events occur?
Posted by Catfish219[/QUOTE]

You may be great friends with your BMs, but that doesn't mean they all get along with each other. People have very different perceptions of others, so if there is a problem there it sounds like this BM is acting very mature and just staying away from any possible problems.

Don't worry about it, enjoy the planning and parties you'll have with your other BMs. This isn't going to rain on your parade unless you let it.

mysticl · August 2010

My degree is in social work. The thing that sticks out to me is that you say in the past month she has turned into someone you don't know anymore. A sudden, drastic change in a person's behavior/personality is an indicator that something is wrong. Be a good friend talk to her about her and what is going in her life. She might need your help.

PeonyPrincesskdd · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_socially-awkward-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e361c139-5cd2-4709-bdfa-72cb8574186ePost:43912c6a-5a46-4d03-b050-51c0ea8befcc">Re: Socially awkward BM</a>:
[QUOTE]It has nothing to do with money because I'm already paying for EVERYTHING except the shoes ($83). She was not asked by anyone to contribute to the bachelorette party or bridal shower. She was excited to help plan the pre-wedding parties (she's very artistic) and be a part of the whole thing and then, nothing. She thinks my other BM is "mean" and that's why she doesn't want to be a part of the pre-wedding stuff. So I guess I'll suck it up. Does anyone have any idea how to answer people's questions when they ask where she is when the events occur?
Posted by Catfish219[/QUOTE]

Being artistic does not make someone a great party planner. Anyone can throw a party. If you meant that she is great at making the favors or making the decorations, I can see how being artistic can be helpful.

Glad you decided to "suck it up" because there really is nothing you can do if she doesn't want to participate in any pre-wedding events and just the wedding only.. the only real day that really matters

mbcdefg · August 2010

I have a question ...

You said that the "socially awkward" BM accused another bridesmaid of being mean (Mean Bridesmaid). And you also mentioned that the socially awkward BM has said rude things about another BM.

It seems like you're angry with Socially Awkward BM for making rude statements about the other bridesmaid, but it doesn't seem like you're addressing the problem of Mean Bridesmaid at all.

Do you think Socially Awkward is lying about Mean Bridesmaid being mean to her? It just seems like you have two girls fighting with each other, and the only one you seem mad at is Socially Awkward.

I also just can't understand why you'd want to kick someone out of your life because she's not attending pre-wedding parties for you or putting on her bridesmaid dress with you. Is there more to this story? I can understand being upset if she's done something really, really wrong, but at face value it seems like you're really overreacting to all of this. And there's absolutely no justifiable way to say to a friend, "You're not paying enough attention to me and my upcoming wedding, so I don't want to be your friend anymore."

ellen82 · September 2010

I have to be on the side of your "socially awkward" friend here. I was almost in the wedding party of a dear friend who contained another girl that is no longer a friend. If this was the case and there was a situation that would make things awkward, maybe I would consider stepping away from the events to make them more enjoyable for the bride/everyone invovled. I most likely would suck it up and attend but I can see where she is coming from.

Something could have gone down with this girl and she is taking the high road by stepping away from the situation to ensure that you have the best possible day/events.

Just becuase its your wedding, does not mean that this girl has to put her through stress. I think she is trying to be honest with you and I think you need to have a chat with her. It would concern me that her behaviour has changed and I would wonder if there are some serious issues in her life that need a friend to be there for her.

ki10 · September 2010

Who cares about your pre-wedding events? Aren't you worried about your friend's mental health? Anxiety disorders are CRIPPLING. My close friend was involuntarily committed to a psych ward twice because of her inability to cope with other people. I nearly failed out of college, and I was previously a straight-A student. And you think she's being rude?

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