WWYD?

chelseamb11 · January 2012

So I mentioned in the morning thread yesterday about "N", who is the wife of one of FI's high school friends. N was a huge biitch to me on Sunday night and more or less attacked me out of nowhere (because she didn't like the stance I had on a debate we were having) and rattled off a list of hurtful things like I'm a hypocrite, that I'm a huge fake, that I'm only pretending to be Catholic for FI's family, that there's no way FI truly knows the woman he is marrying and that I have no idea how much her and the rest of the group doesn't like me. (Group being FI's high school buddies and their wives/fiancees). APparently they only have been nice to me to my face to keep FI happy and they don't even like FI when I'm around.

I took all of this as her just being a biitch as usual. I called her out on it, asking her why the hell saying all that was even necessary and I pointed out that all it did was make her look like an ass and me feel like shiit and it solved nothing. She came back and claimed that she didn't mean for me to feel like shiit. I didn't even respond at that point because she is either a huge liar or dumb as fuuck.

N is really close with M who is the fiancee of FI's best friend (C) from high school. M and C live in the same town as us and we work out with them regularly and get together every so often to go bowling or have dinner or whatever. M is normally a very polite person who has hid it very well if she doesn't like me. FI decided to talk to C (his friend) and find out if he knew about any of this. He said M told him about it but he didn't get details. I then discover M has also deleted me from facebook, which means one of two things. 1) N was telling the truth that everyone can't stand me andd M figured there's no point anymore now that the cat was out of the bag or 2) N told M about our fight but somehow lied and twisted it to me being the biitch and saying hurtful things.

I know the easy answer is to not care what they think. And honestly, if anyone would treat me like that, I don't even want to be friends with them. But our group gets together all the time. At least a couple times a year. And now it's going to be hella awkward. Especially with N who has blantatly treated me like crap. She obviously has no support for our relationship so I don'te ven want her at the wedding, but that's not an option as STDs have been sent and we're still inviting her husband.

A part of me wants to talk to M and see what N really told her. M doesn't seem like the type to do any of that stuff without good reason, so I really think it's possible N is really the ringleader in all the ish that is going down and is trying to fuel a non-existent fire.

I'm sorry this is long and I commend any of you who have read it. I partly needed to vent, and I partly just don't know what to do anymore.

cheeseandrice · January 2012

I'm not saying what she did was right, at all. But, did you ever stop to think that maybe you aren't portraying yourself the best in that group? Have you stopped to ask them what exactly it is that you're doing that pisses them off?

If the whole group really does feel this way, and they really do think your FI changes when you're around, maybe it's time for some self-reflection.

SEWF · January 2012

Something like this happened before my wedding. Apparently our "friend" J and his girlfriend think that I'm a gold digger (even though I have always paid my own way), and told H that he didn't know me well enough, even though we had been together for almost seven years when we got married. H had it out with them, they came to the wedding, and left between the wedding and reception.

If I were in your situation, I might try to talk to N and offer to have a civil relationship for everyone's sake, and treat her with polite indifference when you see each other. Be civil, but I would give up trying to be friends. Some people just don't like each other, and that's fine. Doesn't mean you can't be civil.

KateJ10 · January 2012

Jeez how old are these people??? They are acting like they are still in high school.

Anyways- if you are still hoping to have a friendship with M, then I would send her a non-confrontational type email inquiring about it.

FWIW, I personally would not hang out with this group of people anymore, FI's friends or not. They sound like assholes and I would instead look to make new friends that appreciate you.

cheeseandrice · January 2012

I should preface that with the story that the same thing happened to me. Not with the FI/GFs, but with H's friends in general. I knew they didn't like me (some of them), but I had no idea why. H and I got in a huge fight before the wedding (like the worst fight we've gotten in) and it all finally came out.

To be honest, it was mostly nit-picky stupid stuff. But, well... they were right. It took a bit for me to understand that, but ultimately, it was stuff I could change.

I think the worst thing you can do in this situation is assume you're 100% right and they have no basis at all in what they're feeling.

Granted, I realize they could be completely over-exaggerating things. They could just be jealous that your FI is engaged and they want the 'old' group back or whatever. But, there's probably still a little foundation for their annoyances, you know?

dmiller9274 · January 2012

Chels, you're too good for this bullshiit.

I wouldn't give any of those people the satisfaction of seeing that you've been hurt by this. I would carry on with the rest of your circle as if nothing happened and avoid situations where N and M will be present. Don't get into pissing contests with these bitches and try to justify yourself, you don't need to. If N tries to approach you to talk about it, my only response would be "you've made your feelings about me clear, sadly I just don't respect you or your opinion enough to talk about this anymore." Oh and I'd start branching out to meet some new couple friends.

Etiquette be damned, I wouldn't invite someone to my wedding that said that to me.

LP11509 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:f8b18c67-8c72-44df-b097-ae7db18efa64">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not saying what she did was right, at all. But, did you ever stop to think that maybe you aren't portraying yourself the best in that group? Have you stopped to ask them what exactly it is that you're doing that pisses them off? If the whole group really does feel this way, and they really do think your FI changes when you're around, maybe it's time for some self-reflection.
Posted by Steph+J[/QUOTE]

<div>I think this is a good point, honestly.</div><div>
</div><div>That aside, do you even WANT to be friends with these people? Just because your FI is friends with their FI/Hs, doesn't mean you have to be friends with them. And personally, I think it's healthy for couples to have their "own" friends. Not every friend of yours has to be mutual. </div><div>
</div><div>Not everyone will like you. That's ok. If your paths happen to cross, you can be polite and civil. But you don't have to actively seek out a friendship with them. </div><div>
</div>

chelseamb11 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:f8b18c67-8c72-44df-b097-ae7db18efa64">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not saying what she did was right, at all. But, did you ever stop to think that maybe you aren't portraying yourself the best in that group? Have you stopped to ask them what exactly it is that you're doing that pisses them off? If the whole group really does feel this way, and they really do think your FI changes when you're around, maybe it's time for some self-reflection.
Posted by Steph+J[/QUOTE]

That was the first thing I did actually. I'm all for taking constructive criticism and bettering myself with it. Based on the info FI has gotten from C, this is the first C is even hearing of people supposedly not liking me. I think N's "everyone" means her, M and the wife of another guy (basically the other girls in the group). N told me on Sunday that the reason she doesn't want to be my friend is because we have nothing in common and that I'm a hypocrite. The hypocrite claim stems from my sexual past and now being a Catholic who wants to wait until she's married to have sex with her FI/husband. Apparently it's not okay for one to change their life direction. FI even asked C if there was anything he knew that they specifically didn't like me for and he had no clue. So I'm quite dumbfounded where this is coming from.

FI is convinced she's stemming from jealousy. Her and her H have a rocky marriage, they treat eachother like crap, he's a borderline alcoholic and she has opnely said to us girls that she can't stand even having sex with him and makes it sound like a chore when they do. Idk if it's jealousy, I'm not one to point fingres and say where it is.

I'm just sick of this high school drama bullshiit. We're adults who cross eachother's paths every so often. What's so wrong with being cordial?

AllAboutTheBenjamin · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:086e1395-82d8-4225-aba1-c72b34aa4b40">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? : That was the first thing I did actually. I'm all for taking constructive criticism and bettering myself with it. Based on the info FI has gotten from C, this is the first C is even hearing of people supposedly not liking me. I think N's "everyone" means her, M and the wife of another guy (basically the other girls in the group). N told me on Sunday that the reason she doesn't want to be my friend is because we have nothing in common and that I'm a hypocrite. <strong>The hypocrite claim stems from my sexual past and now being a Catholic who wants to wait until she's married to have sex with her FI/husband. Apparently it's not okay for one to change their life direction.</strong> FI even asked C if there was anything he knew that they specifically didn't like me for and he had no clue. So I'm quite dumbfounded where this is coming from. FI is convinced she's stemming from jealousy. Her and her H have a rocky marriage, they treat eachother like crap, he's a borderline alcoholic and she has opnely said to us girls that she can't stand even having sex with him and makes it sound like a chore when they do. Idk if it's jealousy, I'm not one to point fingres and say where it is. I'm just sick of this high school drama bullshiit. We're adults who cross eachother's paths every so often. What's so wrong with being cordial?
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

I think you know that Ben and I went this same route, Chels, but I have to ask - why did you tell your friends that? It's just the type of thing I don't imagine to be anyone's business.

jennamarie10 · January 2012

This is a sticky situation. I know I would probably feel horrible about M also not wanting to be friends. I like PP's suggestion about just ignoring it (not sending a message via FB about why she defriended you) but instead just have FI ask them to go bowling again sometime. Then, (if you want to be friends with M) just act normal and chat with M like you had.

Honestly, some girls can be so gosh darn petty.

LP11509 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:b7bad201-2bd4-4783-9e8d-37417a36b88b">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? : I think you know that Ben and I went this same route, Chels, but I have to ask - why did you tell your friends that? It's just the type of thing I don't imagine to be anyone's business.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

<div>I was wondering this, too. I mean, I get telling your close friends. But it doesn't sound like you are close with these people. Sometimes, it's better to let private decisions stay private. Obviously a little late for that, but just something to keep in mind for future reference. </div>

jennamarie10 · January 2012

Either way, I don't think that gives them the right to call her a hypocrite. Some people do talk about those things, if I had made that decision my close girlfriends would know, and knowing my FI, his close friends would probably know too.

chelseamb11 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:b7bad201-2bd4-4783-9e8d-37417a36b88b">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? : I think you know that Ben and I went this same route, Chels, but I have to ask - why did you tell your friends that? It's just the type of thing I don't imagine to be anyone's business.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

I didn't make it a point to tell them. But of course with girl talk, sex comes up, and thre was a point in time I consdered them to be my friends, so I didn't have an issue telling them that we decided to wait.

LP11509 · January 2012

Also, if you don't think you want to be friends with M and just start declining to hang out, one of 2 things will happen:

1. M will wonder what's up and seek you out to see what's going on, which indicates that she does in fact want to be friends wtih you and everything was just a big misunderstanding.

2. M does nothing, which indicates that she really DOESN'T like you, and you can just move on with your life.

ErinG93 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:52d20c6b-325e-4e81-be4d-b005de59ac7e">WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]S N was a huge biitch to me on Sunday night and more or less attacked me out of nowhere (because<strong> she didn't like the stance I had on a debate we were having</strong>) and rattled off a list of hurtful things like I'm a hypocrite, that I'm a huge fake, that I'm only pretending to be Catholic for FI's family, that there's no way FI truly knows the woman he is marrying and that I have no idea how much her and the rest of the group doesn't like me.
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

<div>I wouldn't debate with these people. Not worth it. I would just be civil to them all. Hang out with M like usual and don't let the facebook stuff get to you. Just pretend all is well with you and M because she hasn't said anything to you. (Or is she C?) Anyways, as far as N goes, just ignore her. I might continue to occasionally go with your FI to group stuff, but wouldn't directly engage with N. Who cares what she thinks about your religious attitudes? They are none of her business. I would just disengage, if that makes sense. </div>

ricksang · January 2012

You most definitely don't have to invite her to your wedding after what she said to you.

I find it odd when a spouse's friend doesn't like the S/O (for no apparent reason) yet the spouse still has out with said friend. It's disrespectful on the spouse's part.

I try to avoid political debates or polarizing debates with friends for this exact reason.

chelseamb11 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:c6dc8258-1d99-4120-85f6-8e8e610cb57f">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? : If they feel that you're a hypocrite from the changes you've made, a lot of times that accusation seems to get thrown around a lot when someone is very "in-your-face" with their beliefs and stances. I'm not saying you need to hide what you believe, but I wouldn't bring it up in a way that could make them feel like you're being judgmental of their choices. I just feel like I've seen situations before where it turns into a big cycle of drama from this - general you state your beliefs/choices, general they take it to mean you're judging them for their choices, they get defensive and judge you as a hypocrite for "judging" them for something you've done in the past, etc. I've seen it about different issues. So maybe just tone down how much (if any) you talk about why you and FI made the choices you did.
Posted by djhar[/QUOTE]

That's a really good point. I haven't really done it much, but I'll make a point to not do it all.

I appreciate all the input guys, thank you. At this point I'm going to avoid situations where it's a smaller crowd including them, and in the large crowd situations, I'll just avoid the girls if I have to. I hate to do it, but I'm not going to insert myself in conversations where I'm not wanted. It's pointless.

I think whoever said showing them that IDGAF what they think will be the best bet in this situation.

LP11509 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:22519f0f-dc14-4e11-b250-7c5ad91fd0ee">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]You most definitely don't have to invite her to your wedding after what she said to you. I find it odd when a spouse's friend doesn't like the S/O (for no apparent reason) yet the spouse still has out with said friend. It's disrespectful on the spouse's part. I try to avoid political debates or polarizing debates with friends for this exact reason.
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

<div>I think it would be disrespectful to my H if I told him he can't be friends with someone just because they/their SO doens't care for me. </div><div>
</div><div>Not everyone will like me, I've accepted that. I have a friend that H doesn't particularly love, but she's MY friend, not his. He doesn't have to hang out with her. And on the flipside, H has a friend that I can't tolerate at all, but if he wants to hang out with her, that's his deal. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

ricksang · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:0ae8b101-b4c1-4742-8bb2-6b7d101f5126">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? : I think it would be disrespectful to my H if I told him he can't be friends with someone just because they/their SO doens't care for me. Not everyone will like me, I've accepted that. I have a friend that H doesn't particularly love, but she's MY friend, not his. He doesn't have to hang out with her. And on the flipside, H has a friend that I can't tolerate at all, but if he wants to hang out with her, that's his deal.
Posted by LP11509[/QUOTE]
Well, that's not how I feel and if someone trashed me in front of my husband , I would expect him to defend me and then tell the person to GFT. I would do the same. To dislike someone for no apparent reason is childish and foolish.

SarahPLiz · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:b7bad201-2bd4-4783-9e8d-37417a36b88b">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? : I think you know that Ben and I went this same route, Chels, but I have to ask - why did you tell your friends that? It's just the type of thing I don't imagine to be anyone's business.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]
THis is what I'm thinking.<div>
</div><div>ANd this is not to knock you, because you have gotten better, but if you talk to other people like you used to post on here (making blanket statements without thinking abotu them first) then no wonder you aggrivate them. But yeah, don't tell anyone about your sex life, or lack thereof. Its not their business. When you do tell them, then they have the right to have an opinion and voice it. </div>

chelseamb11 · January 2012

Do you guys honestly think this is one of those etiquette breaking situations where we invite her husband but not her? I'd hate to exclude him just because his wife is a biitch.

SarahPLiz · January 2012

No. I think you invite her and hope she doesn't come. Or just kill her with kindness... or just ignore her.

ricksang · January 2012

I would exclude both, but I guess if you want to invite him, you have to invite her as I am sure he won't come without her.

ErinG93 · January 2012

I would invite both of them or neither. If the guy friend is as close to your H as it sounds, I would invite them both. Hope she declines.

LP11509 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:93e0325d-73d7-472d-bdda-b64aba403662">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? : Well, that's not how I feel and if someone trashed me in front of my husband , I would expect him to defend me and then tell the person to GFT. I would do the same. To dislike someone for no apparent reason is childish and foolish.
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

<div>If someone actually TRASHED H, then I would definitely stick up for him and expect him to do the same for me. But just disliking someone because of personality differences, etc is what I'm talkking about. I don't think these girls were really trashing Chels, I think they just don't like her and are being immature. There's a difference IMO. </div>

ricksang · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:2241632a-d430-4107-8d08-959d099bc6ef">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? : I think the difference in what you two are saying is disliking someone isn't the same as personally attacking someone. I dislike a lot of people that I get along with just fine. I'm courteous and civil to them and they probably don't even know I dislike them. Or if they do, they don't have proof / confirmation. What happened here sounds like with one of them, it crossed the line into an attack. That's when I think it becomes more appropriate to sever the friendship.
Posted by djhar[/QUOTE]
Exactly- Blatant (sp?) personal attacks. I should have been more clear.

expiredbride · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:93e0325d-73d7-472d-bdda-b64aba403662">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? : Well, that's not how I feel and if someone trashed me in front of my husband , I would expect him to defend me and then tell the person to GFT. I would do the same. <strong>To dislike someone for no apparent reason is childish and foolish.
</strong>Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

But do we know there is no reason they don't like her? I mean, Chelsea is <strong>super</strong> annoying on the boards and gets flamed on the regular. You don't think in real life she's even more annoying?

Based on what she's typed here I can image in real life there is a lot of fodder for disliking her.

chelseamb11 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:2241632a-d430-4107-8d08-959d099bc6ef">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? : I think the difference in what you two are saying is disliking someone isn't the same as personally attacking someone. I dislike a lot of people that I get along with just fine. I'm courteous and civil to them and they probably don't even know I dislike them. Or if they do, they don't have proof / confirmation. What happened here sounds like with one of them, it crossed the line into an attack. That's when I think it becomes more appropriate to sever the friendship.
Posted by djhar[/QUOTE]

This exactly. I have known for awhile that she doesn't like me. She's always backhandedly rude to me, but I've always been polite and civil with her. She literally attacked me. And what did it solve? Nothing. She would have been better off just telling me the things that bothered her and not been all dramatic about it by getting on my case about stuff that doesn't make sense and deleting me from FB (and making sure M did so too)

AllAboutTheBenjamin · January 2012

This hurts my brain.

chelseamb11 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:16d2204c-12eb-4bd9-8481-ad0b5ce4ee9a">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? : But do we know there is no reason they don't like her? I mean, Chelsea is super annoying on the boards and gets flamed on the regular. You don't think in real life she's even more annoying? Based on what she's typed here I can image in real life there is a lot of fodder for disliking her.
Posted by expiredbride[/QUOTE]

Let's put aside that I don't even know who the eff you are. Even if they have reasons for not liking me (which I was open to hearing), the reasons she gave me were nonexistent. And she attacked me with them. Telling me that none of them like me wasn't her place. She can tell me the issues she has with me as much as she wants, but she should act like an adult in doing so.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wwyd-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:fa1e0763-bec6-4f89-8950-51f6aa2f51eePost:16d2204c-12eb-4bd9-8481-ad0b5ce4ee9a">Re: WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? : But do we know there is no reason they don't like her? I mean, Chelsea is super annoying on the boards and gets flamed on the regular. You don't think in real life she's even more annoying? Based on what she's typed here I can image in real life there is a lot of fodder for disliking her.
Posted by expiredbride[/QUOTE]

Well aren't you perceptive. /eye roll

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Re: WWYD?

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