Good Grief

saradawnsusanne · February 2013

I’m ready for all suggestions and help. I’ll try to be concise, but it isn’t easy since I tend to be long-winded.

My FI and I have been engaged for nearly 6 months now, and so far all we’ve done is pick a wedding date (in November).

At first, we both thought that we wanted to elope. After being engaged for more than 20 minutes, I decided that it isn’t what I wanted. I don’t want a big ceremony – both my FI and I don’t like the thought of standing up in front of hundreds of people – but I do want close family there. I thought just inviting parents, grandparents, and siblings to a ceremony and having a big reception after would solve everything.

But then my parents started causing problems saying that I had to invite some other family members because I’m named after them. And if I have to do that, I have to invite other family members too to make it fair. And it’s just spiraled out of control the last few weeks. My mom is INSISTING on "my namesakes" at the wedding to the point that she's just including them in on her guest list. She isn’t pleased that we don’t want a wedding party. She doesn’t like that I’ve picked a wedding date in the middle of the week and that I want the reception the same day instead of moving it to a weekend (the day we’ve picked is 11/12/13, which is why it’s in the middle of the week).

All of this I could probably deal with, but my FI still wants to elope. He wants to elope so bad that we can’t get past the guest list. He has anxiety which makes it really hard for him to want to stand up in front of anyone and say vows, so I know he isn’t just being a jerk. Plus he knows that my mother is going to put an inordinate amount of stress on me at every turn. And I want him to be happy; it’s his day too. But it isn’t what I want. I want my dad to give me away; I want my brother and my SIL there. I don’t want to spend the morning of my wedding getting ready by myself which is how it will be if we do elope. We can’t afford to take anyone with us. We can’t really afford to have a wedding at all. And no one is offering any money to help.

It’s so stressful because every time we discuss wedding plans, we don’t get any further than this. It’s almost gotten to the point where I don’t even want to talk about it anymore with anyone because I really just feel like no one is listening to what I want.
I want us to be the ones that are happy with our wedding day, and it seems like no matter what we decide on, one of us isn’t going to be.

ReturnOfKuus · February 2013

When I was in a similar situation, I cancelled the wedding that my parents were taking over, and waited and saved until we could afford to pay for a wedding ourselves. Then I didn't involve our parents in anything more than asking them whether they wanted the meat or the vegetarian option for dinner. Neither of us have ever regretted it.

*Barbie* · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_good-grief-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0b0878d4-8d41-4a50-a336-0aa86629ef0fPost:15c303fa-45ee-4e7c-a3a6-d9b0dd022502">Good Grief</a>:
[QUOTE]I’m ready for all suggestions and help. I’ll try to be concise, but it isn’t easy since I tend to be long-winded. My FI and I have been engaged for nearly 6 months now, and so far all we’ve done is pick a wedding date (in November). At first, we both thought that we wanted to elope. After being engaged for more than 20 minutes, I decided that it isn’t what I wanted. I don’t want a big ceremony – both my FI and I don’t like the thought of standing up in front of hundreds of people – but I do want close family there. I thought just inviting parents, grandparents, and siblings to a ceremony and having a big reception after would solve everything. But then my parents started causing problems saying that I had to invite some other family members because I’m named after them. And if I have to do that, I have to invite other family members too to make it fair. And it’s just spiraled out of control the last few weeks. My mom is INSISTING on "my namesakes" at the wedding to the point that she's just including them in on her guest list. She isn’t pleased that we don’t want a wedding party. She doesn’t like that I’ve picked a wedding date in the middle of the week and that I want the reception the same day instead of moving it to a weekend <strong>(the day we’ve picked is 11/12/13, which is why it’s in the middle of the week)</strong>. All of this I could probably deal with, but my FI still wants to elope. He wants to elope so bad that we can’t get past the guest list. He has anxiety which makes it really hard for him to want to stand up in front of anyone and say vows, so I know he isn’t just being a jerk. Plus he knows that my mother is going to put an inordinate amount of stress on me at every turn. And I want him to be happy; it’s his day too. But it isn’t what I want. I want my dad to give me away; I want my brother and my SIL there. I don’t want to spend the morning of my wedding getting ready by myself which is how it will be if we do elope. We can’t afford to take anyone with us. We can’t really afford to have a wedding at all.<strong> And no one is offering any money to help. </strong> It’s so stressful because every time we discuss wedding plans, we don’t get any further than this. It’s almost gotten to the point where I don’t even want to talk about it anymore with anyone because I really just feel like no one is listening to what I want. I want us to be the ones that are happy with our wedding day, and it seems like no matter what we decide on, one of us isn’t going to be.
Posted by saradawnsusanne[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>With having a midweek wedding, when most people will be working and need to take additional time off to attend, i doubt you'll have to worry too much about a ton of people attending. it really doesn't show any consideration for your guests that an arbitrary date (11/12/13... really?!) is more important than their presence.

</div><div>also, why in the hell should anyone be paying for your party? save up and get married on 12/13/14 if you can't afford it now. (Although of an additional year won't do it, you'll be screwed on that whole date theme.)</div>

Wzz · February 2013

save up and pay yourself, or stop complaining about the stress if you would rather someone else pay for your wedding. you can't have it both ways if the free party comes with strings attached.

MsYeck · February 2013

Why don't you COMPRIMISE and do a destination wedding to somewhere? Between the difficulty of the date and people's work and the sheer cost to attend your wedding it will virtually guarantee a very small family wedding. Also pay for it on your own since it appears the money offered comes with strings you don't want.

AddieCake · February 2013

I absolutely hate when people get married on dates like 11/11/11 or 11/12/13 just because it's cool (it isn't). It is an inconvenience for your guests for you to do that. If the date had significance, well, ok, but I suspect you just like the sequence of numbers.

As PPs said, if you want the small, intimate wedding where you call all the shots, then you have to pay for it yourselves. Sounds like that's the only thing you can do to get it exactly like you want. Your parents can't insist on anything if they aren't paying for it, and then you get the small wedding that both you and your fiance can be comfortable with.

hmonkey · February 2013

good for you. 11/12/13 is such an important date -- who doesn't want to get married on the 100th anniversary of the big blow?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Lakes_Storm_of_1913

VarunaTT · February 2013

Man, I had such a better thought in my head for the big blow. Hint: theme requires hookers and booze.

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