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Etiquette

Wedding Guest List

I wont be reading any more replies, but thank you to those who gave constructive assistance.

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Re: Wedding Guest List

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:117202c1-b7b7-4862-a2fa-293b52030065Post:8aa25a77-5648-4cf5-a3ab-b6d9694ef96e">Wedding Guest List</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi, Im really upset about my guest list. When I was looking for a location, i asked my fiance and his father approximately how many people in his family would be invited. They said twenty, so, knowing they are men i accounted for 50, instead. That was in august. Now, over FOUR months later, they have yet to get me the all addresses OR EVEN NAMES of the people they want invited! The first few were like pulling teeth, and of its only gotten worse. Now after i have called and sent multiple mean emails (i had to resort to it!) They have come up with SO MANY names that we are up to 152 on our guest list. The capacity for our room is 130 I have no idea what to do because i have already sent out the save the dates, when the are continuing to add more people (these people are family members, not just strangers). I am so frustrated, angry, and hurt. I feel really disrespected and now i have the added worry of being over capacity. Its so sad i have to hope that people RSVP "no" to our wedding. what can i do?!
    Posted by le12ahw[/QUOTE]
    Photobucket
  • How did you send out STDs if they haven't given you the addresses yet?
    image
  • You don't let them invite that many, simple as that.

    If you give an open ended question like, "Who do you want to invite to the wedding?" of course random cousins and work friends will come out of the walls. If you tell them, "We have 30 spots for your side of the family. Can you get me a list of names and addresses?" Then - well, they have 30 spots to fill. If they want more, they can pay for a bigger venue.

    Which leads me to the next point - if they are paying a substantial portion of the wedding, you need to let them invite whomever they want. But since they haven't been too involved so far, I'm assuming they are not footing the bill.

    And you really don't need names, addresses or STDs when you're a year away from your wedding.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:117202c1-b7b7-4862-a2fa-293b52030065Post:7075b025-05d2-4703-aee5-10386165e6e1">Re: Wedding Guest List</a>:
    [QUOTE]How did you send out STDs if they haven't given you the addresses yet?
    Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

    She's been sending them out as she gets the names, which is a sure fire way to make a clusterfuck of your guest list.
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  • Okay. first off, take a deep breath. You still have 8 months to go until the wedding. You need to let your FI take the reigns here and deal with his family. He needs to be the one that says "Dad, we would love to invite everyone, but at this point, we simply cannot add another person to the list." Then you both need to stick to it. If he is okaying the extra invites, then he and you need to get on the same page.

    Be careful though how you handle this situation, as sending rude emails to your future in-laws could leave a bad taste in their mouth and impact your relationship with them.

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  • You did a bad job of figuring this out to begin with.  Say no.  Stand firm on that no.  
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  • Don't send out any more STDs at this point.  You need to sit down and talk to your FI.  Since he and his father decided that they only wanted to invite 20 people (and you actually allotted for extras), their limit is 50 guests.  They should have considered their guest list more carefully when they had the chance.

    If you've already sent out STDs to more than your venue will hold, you're SOL.  That's just dumb.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:117202c1-b7b7-4862-a2fa-293b52030065Post:15447c02-46cc-481f-9c26-3fe6b3de0cfc">Re: Wedding Guest List</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well -wow- I posted on this discussion board because I was hoping others would be able to offer support and constructive suggestions, not because I wanted a place to be berated. Whether or not you think something I have done is "dumb" or that i "did a bad job" is completely irrelevant, so i dont know why you would even mention that. The fact is -what's done is done - so either leave something constructive or post somewhere else please. I was hoping for something a little more positive. I'm shocked.
    Posted by le12ahw[/QUOTE]
    Oh please.  You were not berated.  What you got was mild compared to what you would have gotten had you posted this when the board was busier.  Next time I suggest you lurk before you post somewhere.

    And you got constructive criticism.  Reread my post.  I told you to talk to your FI, explain to him the situation, and how you got there, and work it out.  He needs to put his foot down with your FFIL.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • You did manage this fairly poorly, I have to say. And you don't HAVE to send STDs, no matter what theknot.com says. It's a wedding website, of course they want you to send save the dates (preferably by vendors you find here) - they're part of the wedding industry.

    You can't go over capacity. Do not actually invite more than 130 people. You need to tell your FI to tell his father the guest list is closed.

    And you didn't lurk if you're shocked.
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    Infertile, living childfree, advocating like a BOSS
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:117202c1-b7b7-4862-a2fa-293b52030065Post:15447c02-46cc-481f-9c26-3fe6b3de0cfc">Re: Wedding Guest List</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well -wow- I posted on this discussion board because I was hoping others would be able to offer support and constructive suggestions, not because I wanted a place to be berated. Whether or not you think something I have done is "dumb" or that i "did a bad job" is completely irrelevant, so i dont know why you would even mention that. The fact is -what's done is done - so either leave something constructive or post somewhere else please. I was hoping for something a little more positive. I'm shocked.
    Posted by le12ahw[/QUOTE]

    Unfortunately you posted on a public message board and you cannot restrict what opinions people post to question. People are trying to help you.

    You posted because you knew what you were doing wasn't working, they are confirming it and also trying to get more information in order to help you.

    You put yourself in an awkward position, its hard to hear when strangers acknowledge it.

    Look at Exactly how many people you have already sent out STD's too and figure out what that number is. From that point, tell your Fi, and have him make it clear to your Fil's, that no more names can be added. You are obligated to invite everyone that you have already sent out save the dates to. If that number is simply more than your venue can hold, contact them and see if there are alternate options.

    You have to be prepared for everyone that you invite to come, that may not be the case as 80% is a more realistic response rate, but you still have to be ready if your invite list exceeds that.
    Photobucket
  • Good grief. I don't know how people GET in this situation! Grow a backbone honey and tell FFIL NO MORE names get to be added. And you better pray to baby Jesus or whoever you pray to for some no's, because NOW the issue is you've invited over capacity. I honestly don't know what your solution needs to be, short of finding another venue. Because basically, an STD IS an invite.
    image
    (Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
    (Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:117202c1-b7b7-4862-a2fa-293b52030065Post:15447c02-46cc-481f-9c26-3fe6b3de0cfc">Re: Wedding Guest List</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well -wow- I posted on this discussion board because I was hoping others would be able to offer support and constructive suggestions, not because I wanted a place to be berated. Whether or not you think something I have done is "dumb" or that i "did a bad job" is completely irrelevant, so i dont know why you would even mention that. The fact is -what's done is done - so either leave something constructive or post somewhere else please. I was hoping for something a little more positive. I'm shocked.
    Posted by le12ahw[/QUOTE]


    I DO need a new siggy
  • well, 152 - 130 =  22 guests SOL
  • OP,

    You need to close your guest list and start making other arrangements so that you can accommodate your entire guest list, which is each and every person that you've invited via STD.

    Plan on 100% attendance because it does happen.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:117202c1-b7b7-4862-a2fa-293b52030065Post:dc66792e-8532-44e6-aee7-ba63a6abf1a5">Re: Wedding Guest List</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Guest List : I DO need a new siggy
    Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

    If you don't want it I'm taking it.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:117202c1-b7b7-4862-a2fa-293b52030065Post:d7c785df-d3cb-4435-966e-b9ec839ecf5f">Re: Wedding Guest List</a>:
    [QUOTE]You posted because you knew what you were doing wasn't working, they are confirming it and also trying to get more information in order to help you. no no no, this is where you are confused -  i want help.... thats why i posted on here. I am no fool. I was thinking this board would invite positive, insightful feedback - for some, it has. For others, I guess they feel the need to get a little "dig" in; that is not the purpose. From now on I would appreciate either an answer to my post or no post at all. Just my request.
    Posted by le12ahw[/QUOTE]

    This makes me wonder if you honestly believe you're the first person to ever come here with this request.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • You're shocked? I'm shocked. How do you not control a guest list when you have a clear capacity at your venue? You need to find a new venue pronto. That's about all you can do at this point to save yourself from a major guest mess.
  • okay well here is the story - we have a full guest list - 152. The capacity for the room is 130 comfortably. We CAN fit more in the room (the fire marshall wont kick us out - haha) but it won't be comfortable. There are at least 7 small children (under 3 years old) attending. I was thinking of solutions along the lines of not inviting grown up children of friends of ours (as opposed to children of our relatives) and things of that nature. Another tiny detail i left out, since you all think i have no backbone! My fiance lives in Italy. I live in Philadelphia. I have been dealing almost entirely with his father and sister in law and trying to confirm things with him over the phone at random times. THAT is why this is so difficult - and trust me, its alot more difficult than first appearance.
  • And we're telling you that if you're over capacity, the only option is to get a new venue. There, is that the answer you're looking for? You MUST assume 100% attendance - it happens. If you've gotten yourself into the mess of over-inviting, you have to find a new venue to accomodate 152 guests.
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    Infertile, living childfree, advocating like a BOSS
  • Um, planning a wedding from a distance doesn't mean you have a backbone, it just means you're more organized. And by organized, I mean a very poor wedding planner who shouldn't have invited over venue capacity.
    image
    (Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
    (Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com
  • In order to have a comfortable gathering place for all your guests, you are going to have to find another venue. It really is not that difficult. Stop all further additions to the list, and start looking for another venue. If you've sent STDs, then you have to invite them.
  • and I planned an out of town wedding for 200.  I didn't invite 300 becausethe  FFIL wanted it.  THAT"S backbone
  • The story doesn't matter.  What does matter is getting out of it.  The only way to do that is to talk to your FI, cut off any more additions to the guest list, have him tell his family that, and find a venue that will comfortably fit all of your guests.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • listen to your venue.  They say 130, they are also thinking of people moving around, socializing, dancing,etc.

    152 maybe if everyone sits still would work but IMO, cut back or change your venue
  • So you're saying you're okay with inviting your guests to sit UNcomfortably? Gee, that sounds super! Can I come to your wedding, too? I want to sit smashed at a too-small tablewith 6 too many people 2.4 inches from a wall. That's my idea of a GREAT time!
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    Infertile, living childfree, advocating like a BOSS
  • Ok, I see you saying this, and I feel like you're backpedaling. Because at first you said you are over capacity.

    But if it can really hold 175, then stop stressing. Yes, it will be tight, but if it is possible, do it. Change your seating arrangement, shrink the dance floor.

    Or get a new venue.

    Or quit griping and deal with the hand you've dealt yourself.
    image
    (Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
    (Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:117202c1-b7b7-4862-a2fa-293b52030065Post:4027a63b-05de-43ad-b843-5f02abf05e09">Re: Wedding Guest List</a>:
    [QUOTE]okay well here is the story - we have a full guest list - 152. The capacity for the room is 130 comfortably. We CAN fit more in the room (the fire marshall wont kick us out - haha) but it won't be comfortable. There are at least 7 small children (under 3 years old) attending. I was thinking of solutions along the lines of not inviting grown up children of friends of ours (as opposed to children of our relatives) and things of that nature. Another tiny detail i left out, since you all think i have no backbone! My fiance lives in Italy. I live in Philadelphia. I have been dealing almost entirely with his father and sister in law and trying to confirm things with him over the phone at random times. THAT is why this is so difficult - and trust me, its alot more difficult than first appearance.
    Posted by le12ahw[/QUOTE]

    I read this and all I heard was "waaaahhh, waaaaaaaaahhhh, waaaahhhh".
    BFP(1) DD1 born 4.17.10 @ 33w5d due to pPROM
    BFP(4) DD2 born 2.14.13 @ 35w5d due to pPROM

    image
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickersLilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • Jesus. What do you want us to tell you? If 130 is what fits in there comfortably, you'll have to find a new venue or alter the tables lose the dance floor. Your only other option is to cut limbs off people as they enter. This is not a problem.

    Breaking the fire code at 131 is a problem. Capacity of 175 if you rearrange tables is called having an answer before you even ask your question.
  • Over comfortable capacity = over capacity.  See what your venue says about possibly fitting all of these axtras in comfortably, or find a new venue. 

    If these friends' adult children were included on the STDs they must be invited.  If they weren't, then I don't see why you included them in your initial count.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • That's it, I feel bad for our fiances!
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    Infertile, living childfree, advocating like a BOSS
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