Wedding Party

BM Declined, what to do?

My cousin and I have always been incredibly close and she's the most put-together woman I know. So it was no question that she would be on my list for my bridal party. I asked my MOH first, then my cousin, then the other 3 girls. Everyone but my cousin accepted excitedly on the spot. Everytime I tried talking to her about it she would tell me I it was too soon (my fiance have been together since 2010 and have a son together) or she still had to think about it because she doesn't approve.

After a month she told me "I feel more comfortable not being a bridesmaid. I love you and support you and I think the best way for me to do that is being there for you everyday." I responded saying by not being in my bridal party is NOT supporting me. She then said "You wedding is 1 day and your marriage is the rest of your life. It's more important to me that you know I will always be there." She asked if she could call me tomorrow but I told her not to bother. I also told her if she is not in support of this marriage or approving of my fiance then I don't believe she should be our son's godmother (which she was). She's only seen him once since he was born, anyway, and he's 10 months old. What she is saying, to me, is completely backwards.

My fiance and I have had our problems but we love each other fiercely. I'll admit she was my sounding board through a lot of our fights but I expect her to be an adult and realize it was just me venting. So because she seems to think she has a say in who I marry, she will not be standing next to me on the most important day of my life. That sucks.

Someone tell me I didn't go too far. Should I still even invite her to the wedding? I honestly don't know if I want anything to do with her anymore.
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Re: BM Declined, what to do?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:0dc5b495-4c9d-4acf-9ccd-13e34b611bba">BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My cousin and I have always been incredibly close and she's the most put-together woman I know. So it was no question that she would be on my list for my bridal party. I asked my MOH first, then my cousin, then the other 3 girls. Everyone but my cousin accepted excitedly on the spot. Everytime I tried talking to her about it she would tell me I it was too soon (my fiance have been together since 2010 and have a son together) or she still had to think about it because she doesn't approve. After a month she told me "I feel more comfortable not being a bridesmaid. I love you and support you and I think the best way for me to do that is being there for you everyday." I responded saying by not being in my bridal party is NOT supporting me. She then said "You wedding is 1 day and your marriage is the rest of your life. It's more important to me that you know I will always be there." She asked if she could call me tomorrow but I told her not to bother. I also told her if she is not in support of this marriage or approving of my fiance then I don't believe she should be our son's godmother (which she was). She's only seen him once since he was born, anyway, and he's 10 months old. What she is saying, to me, is completely backwards. My fiance and I have had our problems but we love each other fiercely. I'll admit she was my sounding board through a lot of our fights <strong>but I expect her to be an adult and realize it was just me venting. </strong>So because she seems to think she has a say in who I marry, she will not be standing next to me on the most important day of my life. That sucks. Someone tell me I didn't go too far. Should I still even invite her to the wedding? I honestly don't know if I want anything to do with her anymore.
    Posted by thatkimgirl88[/QUOTE]
    See, but people don't work that way.  If all she ever hears from you is the bad, that's the only impression she's going to get.  You have to be very, very careful about who you talk to about that sort of thing.  Fights are best kept private for exactly this reason.  Even if you never tell her about another struggle you two have and talk him up all the time, the damage to her opinion of him has been done.<div>
    </div><div>You're taking this way too personally, and very much over-reacting.  There are a billion reasons why someone wouldn't want to be in a wedding, and most of them don't have anything to do with you and your relationship.  Cutting ties completely because she's not doing exactly what you want her to do would be extremely short-sighted and childish.</div>
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Lesson learned.  Don't btch about your FI to people who know both of you.

    Frankly, I think you did go too far.  No one has to be in your wedding party.  It's an honor, not a subpoena.  You created this situation by complaining about your FI to her through all your problems; it's your fault that she has a slanted view of your relationship.  Why would you want to screw up the friendship further by removing her as your son's godmother?  That just sounds petty. 

    Stop venting about your FI to her, and start sharing more of his good qualities.  Work on the friendship.  Accept the fact that she doesn't feel comfortable being in your wedding.  Don't try to punish her by taking away the godmother-ship. 



  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:737feb5e-c4f0-477d-a3f2-d731134cddaf">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]There are a billion reasons why someone wouldn't want to be in a wedding, and most of them don't have anything to do with you and your relationship.  Cutting ties completely because she's not doing exactly what you want her to do would be extremely short-sighted and childish.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    <div>No she told me several times she didn't want to because "she wanted to see how our relationship has progressed" or "she doesn't want me to blame her when the marriage fails" or she just simply doesn't think my fiance is good enough for me. She wanted me to "wait 6 more months and then start planning" and go see a therapist and take some time apart. My other girls have spent more time with my fiance and I and know him better and think she is off her rocker but this is definitely about me and my fiance. She flat out does not approve. I wouldn't care so much about her approval if she would just <em>support me and my decisions</em> (and I've voiced this to her) but thats still not good enough I guess.</div>
  • But again, YOU caused this problem by venting about your problems to her and giving her a skewed perspective of your FI and your relationship. 



  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:31998cf0-cc7f-498c-8f74-3f4d8380f655">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Lesson learned.  Don't btch about your FI to people who know both of you. Frankly, I think you did go too far.  No one has to be in your wedding party.  It's an honor, not a subpoena.  You created this situation by complaining about your FI to her through all your problems; it's your fault that she has a slanted view of your relationship.  Why would you want to screw up the friendship further by removing her as your son's godmother?  That just sounds petty.  Stop venting about your FI to her, and start sharing more of his good qualities.  Work on the friendship.  Accept the fact that she doesn't feel comfortable being in your wedding.  Don't try to punish her by taking away the godmother-ship. 
    Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

    <div>If she doesn't see my son because of my fiance, doesn't visit me or my home because of my fiance and makes me go see her everytime I don't think I want someone like that in my life. Of all the venting I've done to her, there's no way I could have pushed her this far. My fiance and I have pretty regular problems like any other couple. She also hears plenty of normal and good stuff about our life and relationship. I don't want that negative energy and I certainly don't want my son exposed to someone who disapproves of his mom and dad being together.</div>
  • This is your own fault.  Sorry but it is.  You never ever b*tch about your FI/DH to anyone (except maybe a paid therapist) because you are forming the picture in their minds of a total asshole.  My BFF used me as her "sounding board" and to this day I cannot stand to be in the same room as her husband.  I'm sure he is a good guy otherwise she would not be married to him or have had kids with him but no matter what, I cannot see it.  Let it go and warmly receive her as a guest at your wedding.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:a756b593-0a87-4bf2-9677-dbdc80641514">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is your own fault.  Sorry but it is.  You never ever b*tch about your FI/DH to anyone (except maybe a paid therapist) because you are forming the picture in their minds of a total asshole.  My BFF used me as her "sounding board" and to this day I cannot stand to be in the same room as her husband.  I'm sure he is a good guy otherwise she would not be married to him or have had kids with him but no matter what, I cannot see it.  Let it go and warmly receive her as a guest at your wedding.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    <div>How am I supposed to think this way when all my other girls know everything she knows and they still adore my guy?</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:e9fc60b0-5c78-488f-923a-0b6365b789a1">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM Declined, what to do? : How am I supposed to think this way when all my other girls know everything she knows and they still adore my guy?
    Posted by thatkimgirl88[/QUOTE]

    So, you plan on marrying this man but have been badmouthing him to an entire wedding party worth of people?  I really don't understand that.  If you plan on having this man as your partner for the rest of your life, don't you think he deserves your respect (which includes not speaking badly about him to everyone you know)?  Would you really feel comfortable if you knew that he was telling everyone he knew whenever you did something wrong?

    I think you just need to let this one go.  If your cousin loves you and hears tons of bad about this guy, she's going to be protective of you.  I don't blame her for wanting to see where the relationship goes - I've never seen a relationship end well when one partner is constantly speaking poorly of the other.  Either the other party deserves it and the relationship ends, or the other party doesn't deserve it and gets sick of being disrespected.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • So I should have someone at my wedding that disapproves of the marriage so much that she's willing to incredibly hurt me by declining to support me and belittling my wedding as "just one day"  ?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:669be8e9-9da2-42eb-939b-f905d13d3fdc">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM Declined, what to do? : So, you plan on marrying this man but have been badmouthing him to an entire wedding party worth of people?  I really don't understand that.  If you plan on having this man as your partner for the rest of your life, don't you think he deserves your respect (which includes not speaking badly about him to everyone you know)?  Would you really feel comfortable if you knew that he was telling everyone he knew whenever you did something wrong? I think you just need to let this one go.  If your cousin loves you and hears tons of bad about this guy, she's going to be protective of you.  I don't blame her for wanting to see where the relationship goes - I've never seen a relationship end well when one partner is constantly speaking poorly of the other.  Either the other party deserves it and the relationship ends, or the other party doesn't deserve it and gets sick of being disrespected.
    Posted by blueobsidian[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>It isn't constant. There was a short period in our relationship a long time ago right before our son was born where we were having problems and considering separating.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:3b4d328b-1e69-468b-89ce-4b180a21adcf">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I should have someone at my wedding that disapproves of the marriage so much that she's willing to incredibly hurt me by declining to support me and belittling my wedding as "just one day"  ?
    Posted by thatkimgirl88[/QUOTE]

    Your wedding <em>is</em> just one day.  This is a matter of conscience for your cousin.  She does not want to be a hypocrite standing with you at your wedding.  That is understandable.  She is also a grown up  who worries about the choice you are making and is trying to let you know that she will be there for you whenever you need her (and I mean really need her, not hold some flowers in a nice dress next to me).  I learned in highschool to just keep my opinions about some people's BFs and DHs to myself and keep the friendship tight because I saw what was likely coming and that the people I loved would need a real friend to help pick up the pieces.  This hasn't happened in every case but has happened in more than you would like to know.

    I also understand about couples needing to break up in order to work through their own issues.  DH and I broke up for a few years.  Somewhere in my heart of hearts though I never wrote him off completely which is why I didn't do any trashing of him to family or friends.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • I can't accept that no one ever says anything bad about their guys to their family/friends. So when things are bad and someone asks you just lie to them and say everything is fabulous? I don't lie to people because I would want to be there for them if something was bothering them.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:3789a4d7-593e-4d95-979a-24fd19793ab4">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM Declined, what to do? : Your wedding is just one day.  This is a matter of conscience for your cousin.  She does not want to be a hypocrite standing with you at your wedding.  That is understandable.  She is also a grown up  who worries about the choice you are making and is trying to let you know that she will be there for you whenever you need her (and I mean really need her, not hold some flowers in a nice dress next to me).
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    <div>Technically, yes it's just one day. To me it's the most important day of my life and my bridal party is made up of the most important people in my life undr my fiance. These are the girls that I know will love me and support me and be there for me no matter what. These are the friendships that have stood the test of time and the people who are standing up with me as I pass onto the next chapter of my life. My cousin not participating in this hurts an incredible amount and she doesn't care because her conscience? Because of her principals? Because shes certain my marriage is going to fail? I'm asking her to stand up for me, not my marriage. Her denial is a slap in the face to me. Then she tries to tell me shes there for me? Nope. Sorry.</div>
  • What exactly are you looking for here?



  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:8bcb05bc-0fd6-4ee0-8a0a-64273a4fa8ee">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]What exactly are you looking for here?
    Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

    <div>Obviously, nothing.</div>
  • It seems to me you question why your cousin has this opinion when the rest of the bridal party know everything and thing your FI is fine. I find that odd because you stated she has not spent as much time with the two of you , which gives her less time to form her own opinion. It seems to me you are angry about a lot of other things (travel time) and that is your right. However, she has just as much right not to stand up in your wedding. I have been on the side of the fence where I am hearing nothing but negative things (luckily no one whose been getting married). Its really hard to support your friend's relationship when you only know the bad. Maybe you need to make more of an effort with her. If you truly don't care about the relationship then sure stay mad, but that won't resolve anything. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:1d5e6c16-dc93-48c2-b054-baa777b3613a">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM Declined, what to do? : Obviously, VALIDATION.
    Posted by thatkimgirl88[/QUOTE]

    <div>FTFY.</div>
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  • It's a tough lesson to learn, OP.  You can't vent about your significant other during stressful times with your close friends or family.  This is the result - a very dear person to you having a skewed view. 

    Also, I'm not entirely certain that every other girl in your bridal party "adores your guy."  They might just be putting on good faces while your cousin is being truthful with you.  That's to be respected.

    Of course what she's saying stings and you don't want to hear it.  Of course you are angry with her.  How can you not be?  But, she's trying to be a bigger person and be honest with you so you try to be the bigger person and invite her to the wedding.  I think you'll regret if you don't.

    Oh, and do I vent about my husband to family?  Only over very silly things.  Like, the milk isn't in the right spot of the fridge or he used up all the tin foil before I could use it.  If we were having more serious problems like infedility, I wouldn't be running to any of them.  As much as they support me, they also love me and don't want to see me be hurt.  Some information is meant to be private and dealt with by impartial parties.
  • OP, I'm sorry you're hurting-you clearly are right now and it must be rough.  But please, when you've had the chance to think about it a bit, I hope you take some time to realize that if a unanimous group of unbiased observers hearing only your side of the story come out of thinking your cousin did nothing wrong here, that there may be some truth in that?

    Here's how I see it.  In even the healthiest of relationships, you have spats and arguments and fight over stupid things and sometimes even fight over serious things.  But those things stay between you.  While I wouldn't go the whole way out there and say that there's a 1:1 correllation, if this stuff, which is normal, is reaching the ears of third parties, it is a big red flag that the relationship is unhealthy.  Honestly, if you really don't get that, I think your cousin's suggestion of premarital counseling is probably a really good one.

    In a healthy relationship, a) you can mostly work through these bumps in the road between the two of you, so if you need to reach out to a third party for moral support, that's a bad sign, and b) you respect the privacy of your partner and the intimacy of your relationship enough that you don't talk about these things to third parties unless things are really bad and you can't handle it on your own.  It is not irrational of your cousin to think that if you're leaking problems to her regularly, your relationship is severely suffering.

    I'm not saying you have to lie to people.  But I think you will find that only very rarely, if ever, will someone ask you "Hey, how's you're relationship with FI going?"   People may ask you how you are, or how your FI is, or whatever.  But it's not lying to not tell someone, when they ask "How are you doing?" that you're having relationship troubles.  Just as it wouldn't be lying to omit from your answer the fact that you had really bad diarrhea that morning, or that you have razor bumps on your bikini line that are itchy, or whatever.  There's lots of things in life that you don't complain about to people- in a healthy relationship, relationship troubles are the same thing.  Because relationships are private, like the razor bumps on your bikini line; they're not the sort of thing you go seeking help for unless something is really wrong.

    I just want to close by saying that if you think your wedding day is the most important or happiest day of your life, you are really selling your marriage short.  Would you really want to know that you're never going to have a better day than one time in your twenties?

    I just think it's sad- the love your cousin is showing for you (again, this is plain as day to an unbiased observer hearing only your side of the story) is so huge and meaningful and beautiful and so much bigger than standing up for you on your wedding day could ever be, and it's sad that you're so caught up in a perceived slight that you can't see it.  I really wish you the best at figuring things out.
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:478325a6-67a3-4f42-9908-b8809c937a1d">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I can't accept that no one ever says anything bad about their guys to their family/friends.</strong> So when things are bad and someone asks you just lie to them and say everything is fabulous? I don't lie to people because I would want to be there for them if something was bothering them.
    Posted by thatkimgirl88[/QUOTE]
    But that's what we're telling you happens in healthy relationships.  If you were to go through individual or couples therapy, any competent therapist would tell you that doing such a thing (bringing your friends in on your private issues when they're very much biased to your side) should be off-limits and isn't fighting fair.  You don't have to lie if someone asks you what's going on, but you also don't have to go into specifics.  ("Oh, we're having some issues at the moment, but it's silly stuff, we're working it out.")<div>
    </div><div>When I have a problem with DH, the only person I talk to about it is him.  No one else hears about it until after we've sorted it out, if at all.  Period.</div><div>
    </div><div>The thing you really have to keep in mind is that most of the women who've responded to you are already married.  We can tell you that, no really, your wedding is not the most important day of your life.  We can tell you what makes a stable relationship and what causes problems.  We can tell you when your actions with regards to a six-hour party will have long-term consequences that you're not thinking about right now.  We can give you a perspective that you're sorely lacking right now.  You'd do well to listen.</div>
    This is a neglected planning bio.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:478325a6-67a3-4f42-9908-b8809c937a1d">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I can't accept that no one ever says anything bad about their guys to their family/friends</strong>. So when things are bad and someone asks you just lie to them and say everything is fabulous? I don't lie to people because I would want to be there for them if something was bothering them.
    Posted by thatkimgirl88[/QUOTE]

    There is a huge difference between grumbling about tripping over running shoes or how he does the dishes and things that cause actual fights between us.  And no, I do not ever talk about the huge things (even with an extremely close knit group of online friends) unless it is in the past and I'm letting them know they are not alone in having to deal with a certain situation.

    OP, as PPs pointed out, you have a group of strangers, most of us married, who are only hearing your side and we are all seeing this the same way.  I think it is time that you put on those big girl panties and take responsibility for what you have done that poisoned the way your cousin sees your FI.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Your cousin did the right thing by declining. She obviously loves you and wants what's best for you without compromising her own morals. She said she'll always be there for you, and that's great. You need to trust that. Just because she won't be standing at the alter doesn't mean she doesn't support you, just that she doesn't agree with your decision. As adults, people do things that we don't necessarily agree with. We don't love them any less, we respect that they need to live their own lives and make their own choices. I'm sure after a few days you will realize that she's not in the wrong and you overreacted by taking away her honor as godparent. (And don't get me started on the fact that the most important day of your life will be your wedding day when you have a child. Pretty sure his birth day was more life changing.) 

    My best friend doesn't approve of my relationship either. She likely won't stand up at our wedding. I respect that is her choice, she respects that it's my choice to be with my SO. And yes, this is because at the beginning of our relationship she was who I ran to when things got bad and that will always be how she thinks of him. Since then, I've figured out who I can rant and rave to and who I can't. And I'm sure you have too. She will always be my best friend and she will always be the person I turn to when I need someone to let off some steam with. That said, she's not someone I bring my specific issues to or serious problems to. She's the one I whine that SO chews with his mouth open, not the person I go to when we argue over finances. And that's ok.

    I know you'll do what right when you breathe and think about it. It's hard, and I know you are hurt, but this is one of those situations where you need to work on your friendship without anger and snap decisions. It'll get better.

    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • aragx6aragx6 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    If you and your cousin are extremely close and she's the most put together woman you know, you might consider the idea that she could be right. I know nothing about your situation, so I obviously can't say for sure, but if you trust her opinion and believe she has your best interests at heart, perhaps you should really sit down and listen to what she has to say. It can be easy to get wedding blinders on.
    Lizzie
  • In my experience, it is the girl's closest friends that have the biggest problem with a bad boyfriend.  Acquaintances and semi-close friends tend to blow it off, but your BFF will have a VERY strong reaction to a boyfriend with issues.  So if this girl is as close as you say, I'd take her feelings into a stronger account than the other girls.  My very closest friends have had boyfriends that were borderline abusive, and I could never, ever stand up at their wedding.  However, other, less close friends could probably overlook some things because they weren't as affected (hurt?) by the boyfriends actions.  Does this make sense?
  • I have read all that everyone said, and I totally agree.. I know that this is hurting you a lot, which is understandable. I think you are dealing with a LOT of issues and morphing them into ONE..

    1. I know you want that special person to be there beside you on that "special day".. which shouldn't be the MOST IMPORTANT DAY.. because I would say my kids birthday would be my MOST IMPORTANT.. yes your wedding day is SPECIAL..  Mine is going to be special.. but I mean special in the aspect of being a very special day to show the love we have for each other that we get to share with the ones we love. BUT... that day is just one day in comparison to the rest of our lives we plan to spend together. The love continues to grow from that day and gets sooo sooo much better every day. Because of that special day and sharing it with your loved ones.. I do feel you will miss your cousin being there, and even if she doesn't believe it will last....the love and devotion between you and ur future hubby day in and day out will show her that it is meant to last.

    2. I definitely think that you saying she is no longer the GODMOTHER...that is something totally different.. If you have felt that she hasn't been a good godmother, then maybe you shouldve addressed this to her in the past 10 months.. Holding in all you have been feeling and then just because of this one decision she makes(being honest and truthful to you) you decide you're gonna go below the belt and just SHUT HER OUT COMPLETELY... That is wrong ... you say you don't want her having negativity around your son when she doesn't believe in your union... HE IS 10months..come on now... REALLY... you need to step back and really think about what you are doing.. and the reason why you selected her as GODMOTHER in the first place.

    3. Your 20's are definitely the learning years.. there are things that you won't see that others are able to see.. Love clouds your judgement.. I don't think that counseling is a bad idea.. It can only make things better.. if it makes things worse,, then the problems maybe bigger than you want to face..

    Sorry so long.... But wanted to be clear on some things.. I hope you can step back and really think about this..
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I apreciate all of the input and I don't write it off. I just feel like she is being disrespectful and crossing lines. When my FI and I were having problems (which was basically we were fighting a LOT about stupid things and generally not getting along) she wasn't the person I wanted to go to but when she gets me on the phone she just keeps asking me questions. She asks about our relationship, how often hes working, what we fight about, and just stuff that isn't her business but I love her and don't know how to say "no." My mom died when I was ten and my father just passed away last August and ever since then she's been acting extremely parental and thinks that she can tell me what to do. So when she says to me I need to go to counseling, I need to wait 6 months, I need to kick him out, we need to break up for awhile or she needs to see where the relationship is going.... that to me is crossing lines. When she doesn't visit and puts strains on our relationship and her relationship with my son that makes me wonder even more.

    So yes, maybe I shouldn't have vented to her. Maybe I shouldn't have been feeding her information. I never thought it would come to this and that she would judge my impending marriage based on the answers to her questions. I expected her to trust me that I knew what I was doing and to love my man because I love him (which is how things work with my mom's side of the family).

    Okay, you got me, the night my son was born was pretty important. What I really meant was my wedding will be one of the most important days of my life. It's a rite of passage. I just want everyone I love there at my side. I feel like if I have to have her at my wedding and she's not in the party I'll just feel hurt everytime I look at her. My son's birth was far from the plan and it still haunts me so I know if things don't go well at the wedding it'll haunt me too.
  • nursing2unursing2u member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited July 2012
    I think that it is great that you have her there to fill in when something so sad happened to your parents.. Now if you put her in that authority position in your life, then she is going to act that way. You have to realize that she loves you and she is going to say what she feels she needs to say to you, whether good or bad.. I think you should respect her for that. Of course being your is going to make you feel like you know everything and we all should just accept you know what you're doing.. That isnt always the case, so I think it's good that you have someone in your life that will look out for you.

    You want everyone that loves and cares for you standing up beside you...I am sure that all the people you invite to the wedding are people that you love and care for you, and you can't have them all stand up beside you.. Her being there is a way of being there for you, she couldve said she wasnt coming to the wedding at all.. That is totally different.. I think if you step back and realize that there are sooo many other things and plans you will have to get to stress over regarding the wedding you will realize this will too past and you can get past this...

    Don't lose someone soo important in your life over this...
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I think you're not getting the validation you want, so you're trying to spin the story to look like she is the bad guy the more you keep telling it.

  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    I agree with Gurrlballa. In your first post, your cousin was the "most put together person you know" and now you are slamming her for over stepping boundaries, being pushy and forcing information out of you?

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:60286240-46c3-41ff-a521-5c712f426e94">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with Gurrlballa. In your first post, your cousin was the "most put together person you know" and now you are slamming her for over stepping boundaries, being pushy and forcing information out of you?
    Posted by KatWAG[/QUOTE]

    <div>By put together I meant spiritually and financially stable. She's an independant woman and emotionally stable (as much as one can be being human.) But she's also very feminist, controlling and not the marriage type. No man is ever good enough for the people closest to her.</div>
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