Is your fiance's parents helping out with the wedding financially?

MRose83 · November 2009

After realizing that putting together a wedding is so expensive, I was just wondering how many of you have your fiance's parents helping out with the wedding finances? Did they offer? Or was it something that had to be brought up and mentioned, and then asked for?

akulaji · November 2009

My fiance's parents offered to help pay for the caterer. We didn't have to bring it up. We were lucky though. We assumed we'd be paying for everything, but the parents on both sides offered to contribute.

sunkiss3dk · November 2009

Well first I have to say that my parents are not helping with the wedding financially at all. So we were planning on us paying for it by ourselves when we became engaged. Then his parents said that they would pay for their half of the family and family friends that were invited as well as the rehearsal dinner costs. This was a huge relief and blessing to us. FI said that they did this for both his brothers when they were married but still it means a lot to me esp. since my parents are not contributing.

jenandcris · November 2009

Nope. FI's family is not as fortunate... and my family is also struggling.. So we're paying for the wedding ourselves.

LaLee628 · November 2009

My DH's parents couldn't afford to help out. We were blessed my dad gave us a lot more than we ever expected we'd get to put towards the wedding.

banana468 · November 2009

My in laws made the offer to help. DH and I were really unfortunate in that when we announced our engagement, both sets of parents were very gracious with their contributions.

We never asked for any of it though. I think somehow that might have made what they did a little less special.

Whippet8 · November 2009

FI's parents are not contributing a dime, while my parents are pretty much paying for the whole thing. They never offered, and we would never ask them. Although they are more than able to help, they have 9 kids, 5 of which are already married, and what goes for one, goes for all. except one of FI's sisters, who did not live with her DH before their wedding...but anyways...

so pretty much, we'd be totally surprised if they decided to offer to pay for anything at this point.

Vikki2pay · November 2009

DH's parents didn't offer any help and we never asked. My parents paid for a big portion, and again we never asked they offered. And we paid the rest.

sloanacz · November 2009

I think we're on the same boat also. We assumed we would be paying for the whole thing ourselves also. My father and step-father have offered and have contributed and the FI's parents have offered to help but haven't yet. Very lucky to have all the help. We wouldn't have asked ethier. I hate asking for stuff. haha

christikao · November 2009

We never asked FI's parents to pay but they offered to give us money to pay for the DJ and photographer which we are very thankful for since I was really stressed about the finances since my parents are paying for half and I didn't want to deplete all our savings for the other half. Also they are paying for the rehearsal dinner which is tradition.

romyjm8 · November 2009

Fi's parents have offered to help us out. We had been planning to pay for most of it ourselves, but its looking like we will be paying 1/3, my parents will do 1/3, and his parents will do the final 3rd. We are really lucky to have such supportive families.

jennylove810 · November 2009

FI's wealthy parents are not helping at all, and honestly, I'm a little bitter about it. NOT because I think they should- no one is expected to pay for my wedding but FI & I. It's our event, and it's our bill! However, they've already submitted a nice fat list of distant relatives and 4th cousins twice removed who "must" be invited (they're all about appearances and very pushy about it). My father has generously offered to pay for our hall and caterer, and the only thing FI's family offers is the names and addresses of everyone they've ever known, and insist they receive invites. Ha! Come summertime, this is going to be a lovely fight.

alinaandjared · November 2009

I really feel you on this and as for the PP, Jenny that is a crappy but oh so common occurence. Unless your parents are willing to pay without any hard feelings towards you or your future inlaws. If YOU and your FI are paying for the wedding, you need to put your foot down and say, we can afford to pay for 100 guests and let both parents invite 50, regardless of who has the smaller and who has the bigger families (unless everyone can act as a grownup and agree to another ratio).
If your parents are footing the bill (which it sounds like they aren't) it should be them setting some limits and communicating with the inlaws without it falling on your shoulders, thats just my 5 cents.

As for the original poster-- we had what perhaps is a unique situation, I am not really sure as none of my super close friends (bridesmaids or groomsman) are married at this point so I have not really compared notes. My parents invited my MIL, FIL, and BIL to visit our hometown and check out the 2 contenders for our wedding reception. My parents paid for dinner at the location where we ended up having our reception but both contenders were owned by the same company and had identical catering. Prior to viewing these locations, having already explained that one costs more than the other, my PARENTS, as they were the ones really hosting, addressed the expenses candidly, discussed that they insisted on a band rather than a DJ (and we were happy with that)

anyhow, long story short, my mother, who is known to be pushy and overbearing at times, very appropriately posed the question of what, if anything, the inlaws wanted to contribute to. My mother explained that she had many ways to keep costs down, her various business connections, etc, and my inlaws gratiously contributed what amounted to about 15% of the wedding costs. DH and I paid a large chunk and my parents paid the most. It worked out for us but I understand that for most, this seems like requesting money, and maybe it was, but there were no hard feelings. Sometimes thinking about it I get sad that my parents ended up paying so much,but I feel that my parents were always in control of the wedding finances and it worked out well that way. For what its worth, my ILs are in a much better financial situation than my parents, with a paid off mortgage, ifuture nheritances, etc.

It is what it is. PLan to spend what you have, unless you are either offered money or could somehow, gently, pose the question my mother posed.

akulaji · November 2009

Jenny, I think you're going to have to address the expanding listing of distant relatives with FI parents. I know of many weddings where the bride and groom had a set amount of money they could spend and chose to invite those people that they were close with and had a relationship with. I think it's completely acceptable to say to FI parents that you have a set number of people you can invite and these additional people are beyond your means. You are choosing to invite those people that are close to you first before inviting distant relatives that are barely even acquaintences. I would then tell them that if they truly would like to invite those people as guests they are welcome to contribute to pay for their attendance.

IMO I think this is completely acceptable. You're not ruling out these people attending, but you're making it clear that you can't afford it personally and if they want them there, they can make it happen by paying for them. My mom offered to pay for some of her friends to attend our wedding because she knew we were trying to stay within a budget. I thought it was very thoughtful of her and it in many ways defused the feeling of her pushing a list of people on us we don't know well.

LucyD1029 · November 2009

DH's parents paid for the RD and for that we were grateful. My parents and I paid for everything else.

jennylove810 · November 2009

Alina and Akulaji- excellent advice that will come in handy when it comes time to buckle down and really sort out the guest list. Thank you very much!

And sorry to be a post-jacker

CTGirl30 · November 2009

FI's parents are not in a position to contribute financially to the wedding. We would not ask them to, either, knowing their situation. We're both in our 30's and working and planned to shoulder the bulk o fthe cost of this ourselves - while my parents have graciously contributed some, we are otherwise paying for the majority of it on our own.

SuMmErKuTiE · November 2009

FI and I were planning on paying the whole thing ourselves, but once we were officially engaged both sets of parents offered to contribute. I have since yelled at my mom because my dad was laid off last spring and is working part time just to have something for now and they're struggling. But they just keep insisting on giving us what they can. FI's parents who are more than comfortable financially have helped us out a great deal and we have been very blessed. I would say we're paying half and FI's parents are paying most of the other half with help from my parents as well. We haven't even begun discussing the rehearsal dinner. I honestly would much rather do a backyard rehearsal and then have a BBQ for everyone.

Jenny: I agree with pp's if FIL's aren't going to help out financially with the wedding then they have no business handing you guys a huge list of people you may have never even met just so they can make themselves look good. You guys will need to sit down and explain your budget with them and how you can only invite a certain amount of people and they should let you know who on that list is most important. GL!

JBDamonM · November 2009

My lovely mother in law INSISTED on paying for flowers and the Rehearsal dinner. She came to the flower appointment - put her two cents in, added to the order, but when it came to final payment time (which had to be in cash/check) she was no where to be found.....
After this DH got stern with her about the r.dinner and told her over and over if she couldn't pay - we needed to know so we could scale back accordingly. She insisted it wasn't a big deal. She kyboshed my idea (since she was paying) went out and ordered invitations (that clearly said hosted by Mr and MRs (dh's last name) and got some hydrangea bush that I found hideous..... Then - when the bill came, she was once again - no where to be found and cried to my brother in law that she couldn't afford it. So - we got stuck with this bill to....

My mom helped a little - but we paid for about 90% of all it (including these two large, u nexpected expenses) ourselves...

I"m VERY bitter about the rehearsal dinner - even 4+ months later. Mostly b/c I wouldn't have cared if we had a BBQ at someone's house.... Instead she led us to plan some elaborate dinner that SHE wanted....I did not even get a second to enjoy it, as I spent the entire time running around, transporting gifts etc.

Jenny - learn from my mistakes and bite these things in the as* now!

rel830 · November 2009

Jenny: I agree with pp - you would be perfectly within reason to tell FI's parents that you are happy to invite people close to them, but there is a limit to how many people you will invite and if they wish to invite more than a reasonable number (a number set by you and your family - those paying for the wedding), they will have to cover those costs. (I'm not a huge fan of letting people buy their way out of respecting your wishes - inviting anyone they want because they'll pay for it - but sometimes that avoids a lot more drama.)

As to the original question: My advice is that if they don't offer and you would like them to contribute, you will need to ask and get it out of the way as early as possible. You need a budget before you begin planning. (Also: I wouldn't ask them to contribute, as it's not anything you can expect, but you could phrase it as you're getting ready to plan and you're wondering if they had planned to contribute so you will know what kind of budget you'll be working with.)

In my case, FI's mother paid for part of our wedding (about a third), and my parents paid for the rest (they gave us a budget, we figured we'd pay for whatever ran over, and we ended up under budget).

It was a bit messy - my family and FI's family have very different concepts of money, who should pay and how much a wedding should cost. My parents offered to give us a set amount, and wondered if FI's parents were planning to contribute. (My stepsister had just gotten married to a longtime bf whose parents were very close to my parents, and they had all agreed amongst themselves to split the costs 2/3 to 1/3.) FI's mother felt my parents were not spending enough - which is laughable to me - and that the bride's parents should pay for everything, though she was also planning to contribute money anyway. But she made a bit of a stink about how weird it was for my parents to consider asking whether the groom's parents would give money.

So my advice is to tread lightly, but be direct. If you are going to ask if they will contribute, be clear that you are simply wondering so that you can make your plans accordingly, not expecting them to pay (if that is the case).

HTH!

Ginabeck · November 2009

FI and I are paying for most of it ourselves. My parents are helping with DJ & Videographer and his Mom is paying for Flowers and the RD. Everyone is struggling these days! We didn't ask his Mom, she just offered.

dpantaleoni · November 2009

DH's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon, which we were very grateful for. My parents gave us much more than we expected, which covered about 70% of the wedding expenses. We paid for the rest. DH's dad is very traditional with regard to who pays for weddings...he pays the rehearsal dinner and the bride's family is supposed to pay for everything else. My father wasn't happy about it because he felt as though we have come far from the traditional male/female, bride/groom roles and it should have been more of an even split. I think my dad was more upset because he hated giving us money towards the wedding. He ws more than happy to give us a very substantial amount towards a house, but the idea of blowing all that money in one day didn't sit well with him. Everything worked out in the end though!

Blueyezz0530 · November 2009

FI parents helped us out a bit more, but my rents helped us out too

tplusk · November 2009

Parent are doing about 1/3, FI's parents another 1/3 (this pretty much covers the must-have's and we cover our 1/3 which are any extras or things we "want" to have vs. "need" to have.

malissa033 · November 2009

both of our parents contributed along with us.

IL's paid for their total guests meals and the RD (tradition), my parents paid for all their guests meals, ceremony/chruch fee and my bridal shower (tradition) and my parents also helped with 1/2 of the total cost for the dj, florist & limo.

DH and I paid for photographer, invitations, favors, menu cards, STD's, centerpieces, aisle runner, unity candle, card box.. and then the other 1/2 of the dj, florist & limo.

MaryKatie3 · November 2009

Both of our parents paid for it.

DH's parents paid for DJ, photographer, flowers, invites and Rehearsal Dinner

Mine paid for the rest (venue, dress, food, favors, centerpieces, etc.)

jhkh09 · December 2009

My in-laws paid for a very elegant RD, my parents gave us a set amount of $ which covered 95% of the cost of the location & dinner and my mom paid for my dress/hair/makeup, and FI and I paid for the DJ, photog, rings, honeymoon, centerpieces, invites, etc.

However, FI's parents wrote us a check as a wedding gift meant for the honeymoon. It was too much by half, so we mentally spent (it was all bought & paid for by then) the rest of the check on some of our contributions to the wedding.

In our situation, my in laws didn't really offer to pay for much, and we didn't ask. They're traditional, my parents are pretty traditional, and my in laws only had about 15% of the guests at the wedding (small family, living far away). There weren't hard feelings because my parents wanted to host. I also think that with FI and I being responsible for a big chunk of the expenses, it made us very responsible with how and what we picked out.

Is your fiance's parents helping out with the wedding financially?

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