"Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??

MelissaJasonWedding13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:a23d7332-8c93-4da3-97cf-204ac6fcac34">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]I also have never understood the even wedding party thing. Even the people I know who legitimately have OCD don't insist on having an equal number of men and women with them every time they go out or pose for a picture. It's one of those wedding ideas that I had in my head before we started planning, and then quickly realized was ridiculous. Nearest and dearest are more important than equal numbers. If you wouldn't do it for a regular party, why do it for a wedding, ya know?
Posted by kwitherington[/QUOTE]

<div>It's a personality thing . . . I just don't care for it. I'm happy for people that want that for their own party! Just not my thing, I guess . . . </div>

Peledreamsofrain · January 2013

So..... I've never understood the title of PA. Are you bridesmaids not going to get ready with you? Your female family members? Because EVERYONE pitches in to help get the bride ready (I found out this is wether or not the bride necessarily wants it). Why not just let your friend be in the room with you? Why does she need a lame title that basically translates to:

"I am not good enough to be a BM, but I am useful enough to do free work"

I had a long time friend that got ready with the bridal party, but wasn't in it. I wanted her there, but she had told me that she didn't want to be a BM, so viola, she just gets to be there. It made her happy, it made me happy, and no one got confused without weird made-up titles.

MelissaJasonWedding13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:c57113c1-8b2d-42a8-a091-0f133002a168">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad?? : Yep, but do you plan all your parties / nights out that way? I guess I just will never understand the difference between a regular celebration, with your best friends and family around you, and a wedding. Seems like you want the important ones there, and that doesn't always work for even numbers and genders. NBD - do whatever you want. I just don't understand, much like it seems you don't understand my perspective.
Posted by kwitherington[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh, no, I understand! I'm happy for the people that don't have the same *tick* as I do. I choose my profession because of the attention to visual detail and this just happens to be one of the many ways it comes out in my personal life. I've just always been the person with her penciles lined up on her desk and magazines have to be just so on the coffee table . . . I'm obsessive like that . . . </div>

MelissaJasonWedding13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:01ec5cce-8fe9-4d4e-b7e9-5e5489814888">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]So..... I've never understood the title of PA. Are you bridesmaids not going to get ready with you? Your female family members? Because EVERYONE pitches in to help get the bride ready (I found out this is wether or not the bride necessarily wants it). Why not just let your friend be in the room with you? Why does she need a lame title that basically translates to: "I am not good enough to be a BM, but I am useful enough to do free work" I had a long time friend that got ready with the bridal party, but wasn't in it. I wanted her there, but she had told me that she didn't want to be a BM, so viola, she just gets to be there. It made her happy, it made me happy, and no one got confused without weird made-up titles.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

<div>That's basically what the title represents for me as well. So, while the BM's and mothers are getting ready, the PA will be there to help me if I need it. I've seen other PA tasks as, the girls that are standing with you the moment before you walk down the aisle. They've got the bobby pins and lip stick, they are helping out between the guys and girls (since I can't be running around) in the morning, cake cutting, ect. I guess most people here see it as offensive to be asked to be a PA. But, I enjoyed it when I was one, other friends on mine for other weddings have, and the girls I asked were excited also . . . It's hard to explain, but they just love to be active and are wonderful with running things!</div>

lauralaur · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:adb6c934-0b4f-4954-81e5-38c63436ef48">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad?? : Oh, no, I understand! I'm happy for the people that don't have the same *tick* as I do. I choose my profession because of the attention to visual detail and this just happens to be one of the many ways it comes out in my personal life. I've just always been the person with her penciles lined up on her desk and magazines have to be just so on the coffee table . . . I'm obsessive like that . . .
Posted by MelissaJasonWedding13[/QUOTE]

But lining your pencils up a certain way doesn't hurt anyone. And, I'm sure your clients appreciate your attention to detail, but think about it, you're "designing" your wedding party. The problem is that these are people, thinking and feeling people, not objects that can be rearranged and manipulated.

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding once where there were four of us and five groomsmen and I can honestly say that had another bridesmaid been added for the sake of even numbers it would have devalued the honor I felt in being a bridesmaid. Both sides got to include all they really wanted there with them. And when we look at her pictures, we see genuinely happy people, not objects to be organized.

I guess I just feel as though if your primary concern is the symmetry of the wedding party, you're maybe losing sight of what the day is really about.

LDubHawksFan · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:affda589-bd93-42b2-af5a-b52bb0db6b8b">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad?? : Absolutely. I'm an architect. Order and symetry are in my blood. I've been to uneven weddings and I feel so . . . off.
Posted by MelissaJasonWedding13[/QUOTE]

I get that, and I personally didn't care, but my H picked 3 and so did I, so we were supposed to be even, but guess what, my BM who was due a full month before the wedding didn't give birth until much closer and backed out a week before. I didn't care one bit. What would you do if something happens and someone couldn't make it?

MyNameIsNot · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:adb6c934-0b4f-4954-81e5-38c63436ef48">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad?? : Oh, no, I understand! I'm happy for the people that don't have the same *tick* as I do. I choose my profession because of the attention to visual detail and this just happens to be one of the many ways it comes out in my personal life. I've just always been the person with her penciles lined up on her desk and magazines have to be just so on the coffee table . . . I'm obsessive like that . . .
Posted by MelissaJasonWedding13[/QUOTE]

<div>If you were invited out to dinner with a group of friends where there would be 11 people, would you refuse to go because there would be an unequal number of people on the sides of the table? Would you drag along a random extra person just to even out the sides? Of course not! That would be ridiculous. Doing it at a wedding is no less ridiculous. </div><div>
</div><div>People are not pencils. Not even at your wedding. Treating them like objects is causing you unnecessary problems. Come to terms with the fact that these people are not things, and all your problems will be solved.</div>

libby2483 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:96e9edb9-7c3e-4086-9202-31c95a34cad9">"Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I've been doing research on the title "Honorary Bridesmaid", but I'm not convinced. Basically, everything I've read is that it's a made-up, cop-out, pitty title, and that you're better off making them a Bridesmaid or leaving them as a guest. Here's my dilemma; I have 5 girls standing up with me (2 sisters, 2 college room mates, 1 high school BF). We were at 4, but then I couldn't make the cut and my fiance had to add a groomsman. My fiance also has 2 sister. I love them both, and I'm thrilled to have them as my sisters-in-law. I can't favor one, so they need to have the same title. A few weeks ago I made the decision I would have them be Personal Attendants with my other 2 close friends I had already decided on. His sisters have both shown a lot of interest in being involved! One sister actually does flower arrangements so she'll also be our florist! The other sister graduated from the same college program with me, so we're also close friends as well as a sister-in-law. The more I think about, the more I want them to have a larger role in the wedding. I even considered asking my 2 college room mates if they would mind taking an "Honorary" title so that my new sisters-in-law could stand up for the wedding (I have a feeling they would be completely understanding) but I feel crumby about asking them to 'step down'. So, I thought I could up-grade the sisters from PA's to Honorary Bridesmaids. They would be involved, just the same as a bridesmaid, they are coming to try on wedding dresses with me, they'd wear the colors, be escorted in during the procession, only they would have a seat in the front instead of standing. <strong>Does that really sound so terrible?! </strong>Oh, and we can't just add them as BM's because we think 7 on each side is way too many (14 people!), and because of my OCD I can't have uneven sides during the ceremony. (Constructive advice would be really appreciated as opposed to rude language and assumptions about my character and intention...)
Posted by MelissaJasonWedding13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>In short, yes, that sounds terrible.

</div>

TT Bride 13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:1bc3fbdb-ada1-41a0-ad8f-c4d39be95215">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad?? : If you were invited out to dinner with a group of friends where there would be 11 people, would you refuse to go because there would be an unequal number of people on the sides of the table? Would you drag along a random extra person just to even out the sides? Of course not! That would be ridiculous. Doing it at a wedding is no less ridiculous. People are not pencils. Not even at your wedding. Treating them like objects is causing you unnecessary problems. Come to terms with the fact that these people are not things, and all your problems will be solved.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

But it is her wedding. Everyone has an idea of how her wedding should be. If she doesn't want uneven sides, that is her choice. Maybe that is her idea of her perfect wedding.

lls31 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:59c67cb4-952d-442f-8a25-ccce26916501">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad?? : I didn't think her opinion was rude, I thought her choice of words was rude. I appreciate the input. I don't see these titles as <strong>conceded</strong> or rude, I'm honored when a friend asks me to participate in any manner. However, if most people see these titles as me on some kind of power trip then I'll have to rethink my strategy since my goal is only to include my closest friends and family during our wedding.
Posted by MelissaJasonWedding13[/QUOTE]

I think you mean "conceited?" But regardless, I said condescending. As in demeaning.

If someone asked me to be their honorary bridesmaid or personal assistant, I would feel really crappy. Am I not good enough to be a bridesmaid?

amalama · January 2013

Why don't you have your fiance's sisters on his side and then you can have your other two personal assistants on your side? If I am reading all this correctly that would put you both at 7.

lls31 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:3c720274-eeef-4345-ae27-bd843ba05898">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]Why don't you have your fiance's sisters on his side and then you can have your other two personal assistants on your side? If I am reading all this correctly that would put you both at 7.
Posted by amalama[/QUOTE]

This is a good idea, but I would call them bridesmaids rather than personal assistants. Your FI could call his sisters groomswomen I suppose?

LDubHawksFan · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:3c720274-eeef-4345-ae27-bd843ba05898">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]Why don't you have your fiance's sisters on his side and then you can have your other two personal assistants on your side? If I am reading all this correctly that would put you both at 7.
Posted by amalama[/QUOTE]

This is a great idea! To another person's point about maybe it being her idea of a "perfect wedding", for me, my perfect wedding was marrying my love, but also having my nearest and dearest standing up with me.....if it was uneven it would still be perfect.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:3c720274-eeef-4345-ae27-bd843ba05898">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]Why don't you have your fiance's sisters on his side and then you can have your other two personal assistants on your side? If I am reading all this correctly that would put you both at 7.
Posted by amalama[/QUOTE]

I was going to suggest that but then no where in her post did she mention that her FI cared whether or not they were included and it really should be up to him if he wants them standing on his side.

I honestly don't know what to tell you OP. You are putting numbers and symmetry at a higher importance then people. Let me ask you something. If you didn't have this feeling about evenness would you have all 7 girls up there no questions asked? If your answer is yes then you have your answer as to what to do. I mean if you really want these two FSIL to be BMs but the only thing preventing you from including them are the numbers then that is crazy. Do you understand how bad that sounds that you would rather have even numbers then including these two women in your wedding even though you really want to. So instead of including them the way you want you are trying to think of some random title to give them. The reason why this is stressing you and making you crazy and you are having issues coming up with the appropriate title is because you aren't doing what you really want because of a really ridiculous reason.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:f11689bd-2a32-4b51-9596-a02d23677ad1">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad?? : I don't know. It is fine for other people's weddings I would just feel like mine is mismatched or unorganized or something. I know it doesn't really make sense but it would really just bug me.
Posted by TT Bride 13[/QUOTE]

So does that mean that if you have 5 best friends from kindergarten that you would leave one out of the wedding party if your FI only had 4 friends he wanted to include? You would be ok with that?

beardownbchs · January 2013

As someone who actually has OCD, I think uneven sides would very good exposure therapy for you. The more you feed a disorder or obsession, the worse it gets. The first time I let my turn signal blink for a number that wasn't a multiple of 10, I was certain I would die. Years later, I don't even count anymore.

PPs have had very good points. You are literally telling people that pretty pictures mean more to you than they do. Think of it outside the box. What is more important to you, honoring the people you love or having an even number of people standing for your ceremony (which is a very small fraction of the typical wedding day).

And if symmetry is so important, what will these 4 extra women be doing while the actual wedding party is taking their pictures? Will they get to be in these pictures? Where will they stand? Because, god forbid, those picture would be uneven!! Where will they sit for dinner? They couldn't possible sit with the rest of the "real" wedding party!!

You have four reasonable options, in my opinion:

1. Have uneven sides. Get over it.

2. Have uneven sides and have the entire wedding party (except maybe the MOH & best man) sit in the first row during the ceremony.

3. As a PP suggested, have your two friends on your side and your sister-in-laws on FI's side (do genital differences scare you as much as number differences?).

4. Continue what you are doing and look like a giant ass.

But please, don't come here for advise if you're going to dismiss every response and get all pissy.

MyNameIsNot · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:ef99f498-e8b2-4ea4-83dd-9693543d2ffb">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad?? : But it is her wedding. Everyone has an idea of how her wedding should be. If she doesn't want uneven sides, that is her choice. Maybe that is her idea of her perfect wedding.
Posted by TT Bride 13[/QUOTE]

<div>The fact that it is your wedding is not license to treat your friends like objects. </div>

Simply Fated · January 2013

beardownbchs ... I love your post! I do not have OCD, but I know people who do and they would agree with you, as do I. OP... You SAID in a previous post in this thread that it's a personal preference. Like a color or your favorite pasta sauce? Every good therapist on the face of the planet will tell you to ignore your "ticks" and try the opposite of them. Why would WE tell you to indulge them? You ask if it's really that bad... meaning you know it's at least a little bad. A little bad is still bad. It's bad.

MelissaJasonWedding13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:4e32e88f-2bc6-44ab-aeab-9396d099458a">Re:quot;Honorary Bridesmaidquot; Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]beardownbchs ... I love your post! I do not have OCD, but I know people who do and they would agree with you, as do I.

OP... You SAID in a previous post in this thread that it's a personal preference. Like a color or your favorite pasta sauce?

Every good therapist on the face of the planet will tell you to ignore your "ticks" and try the opposite of them. Why would WE tell you to indulge them?

You ask if it's really that bad... meaning you know it's at least a little bad. A little bad is still bad. It's bad.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

Haha, thanks for the understanding! I'm really not trying to convince anyone that an even bridal party is the end all, be all. Just what I want! I'll talk to my FSINs and see how they feel. If this thread has taught me anything it's that everyone has an opinion, and that's all it is. Thanks for the input!!

MelissaJasonWedding13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:1bc3fbdb-ada1-41a0-ad8f-c4d39be95215">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad?? : If you were invited out to dinner with a group of friends where there would be 11 people, would you refuse to go because there would be an unequal number of people on the sides of the table? Would you drag along a random extra person just to even out the sides? Of course not! That would be ridiculous. Doing it at a wedding is no less ridiculous. People are not pencils. Not even at your wedding. Treating them like objects is causing you unnecessary problems. Come to terms with the fact that these people are not things, and all your problems will be solved.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

Nope! Because that is a dinner, this is a ceremony and I want it symmetrical. Thanks for all of your interest though :)

MelissaJasonWedding13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:ef99f498-e8b2-4ea4-83dd-9693543d2ffb">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad?? : But it is her wedding. Everyone has an idea of how her wedding should be. If she doesn't want uneven sides, that is her choice. Maybe that is her idea of her perfect wedding.
Posted by TT Bride 13[/QUOTE]

Just wanted to let you, I really appreciated this comment! I'm not putting down anyone else's preferences, just pointing out this is one of mine. Thank you, hun!!

MelissaJasonWedding13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:90c60219-1ed0-4f8d-ae04-23fbac7f2c1f">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad?? : I think you mean "conceited?" But regardless, I said condescending. As in demeaning. If someone asked me to be their honorary bridesmaid or personal assistant, I would feel really crappy. Am I not good enough to be a bridesmaid?
Posted by lls31[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the clarification! And if you read my reason, you'd know it's not that my FSILs aren't good enough. But thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I've decided to just ask the FSILs since there opinion is the only one that really makes a difference. Have a great night!

MelissaJasonWedding13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:04135a89-7839-4699-9dbe-2bd409ac9db6">Re:</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re::

If his sisters are truly the type of women who would want to help you out in this capacity, they will likely offer or you can ask them to help you out. I think when you put a title in what she's doing, then it starts to sound odd or borderline demeaning. And, there may be a cousin who pitches in at the last minute ... will she get a title?

If the sisters feel comfortable with a reading, then that would be a logical choice if you don't want uneven sides.

Also, keep in mind that your FSILs may want to spend time leading up to the wedding to mingle with their family. If I wasnt a bridesmaid for my brother's wedding, I know Id be catching up with my out of town relatives and family friends.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

Some good points. I guess I wanted to title them so the have special recognition in the programs and such. Ive decided to have a conversation with them and see how they feel about it. Maybe I'll just have them come in as part of the procession but listed as SOTG. However I know they will be with all the girls getting ready in the morning!! Thanks for the suggestion!

MelissaJasonWedding13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:3d5a54ee-6f3b-4d92-af6a-4489a2f3baa2">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's my dilemma; I have 5 girls standing up with me (2 sisters, 2 college room mates, 1 high school BF). We were at 4, but then I couldn't make the cut and my fiance had to add a groomsman. He didn't "have" to do this. Uneven sides are fine. You are making numbers more important than people. When you look at your wedding album in twenty years, you should look into each person's face, and remember how special it was to have them beside you that day. You shouldn't count heads to see how many folks are in the photo, and calculate bride vs groom ratios. Please tell your friends THIS is why you can't make them bridesmaids. They are important to you, but not as important to you as even numbers. Their hurt feelings are less important than the twitchy feeling you might get from seeing six instead of seven. I'm sure that will make them feel all better again. My fiance also has 2 sister. I love them both, and I'm thrilled to have them as my sisters-in-law. I can't favor one, so they need to have the same title. A few weeks ago I made the decision I would have them be Personal Attendants with my other 2 close friends I had already decided on. PA IS a crappy job. Imagine that your friend calls you on a normal day. "You're so special to me," she says. "I want to show you how much you mean to me, so come over to tomorrow and help me dress, do my makeup, fetch things for me, answer the phone, and run errands." Would you feel honored? I doubt it. This shouldn't change for your friends just because it's your wedding day, either. YOU felt honored the time you were a PA because you had been convinced that being somebody's free servant was some sort of privilege for you. That's how this crap gets started; some entitled princess convinces her friends that it's an honor to wait on her entitled prissy little butt. His sisters have both shown a lot of interest in being involved! One sister actually does flower arrangements so she'll also be our florist! That wasn't an honor for her. It was a convenience for you. She's doing a lot of WORK for nothing....unless you are paying her. The other sister graduated from the same college program with me, so we're also close friends as well as a sister-in-law. The more I think about, the more I want them to have a larger role in the wedding. I even considered asking my 2 college room mates if they would mind taking an "Honorary" title so that my new sisters-in-law could stand up for the wedding (I have a feeling they would be completely understanding) but I feel crumby about asking them to 'step down'. Crummy, not crumby. Honorary is a meaningless word. It's used to convince the person that they're getting something when they aren't.....like the Emperor's invisible suit of clothes. So, I thought I could up-grade the sisters from PA's to Honorary Bridesmaids. They would be involved, just the same as a bridesmaid, they are coming to try on wedding dresses with me, they'd wear the colors, be escorted in during the procession, only they would have a seat in the front instead of standing. They wouldn't be getting anything but a silly, meaningless title and extra expense (the colored dress). Does that really sound so terrible?! Oh, and we can't just add them as BM's because we think 7 on each side is way too many (14 people!), and because of my OCD I can't have uneven sides during the ceremony. You should get therapy and medication if you truly have OCD, and not take it out on your friends and family. (Constructive advice would be really appreciated as opposed to rude language and assumptions about my character and intention...) I hope the PM you sent that person wasn't rude or abusive. Be aware that you are NOT "safe" from this board's moderator because you chose to send something abusive via PM instead of post it on the boards, should the recipient choose to complain to Banana.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Wow! So much time and energy! I appreciate all of the interest and concern you've shared with me! I've decided to just discuss this with my FSILs and let them decided. Thank you!

MelissaJasonWedding13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:3c720274-eeef-4345-ae27-bd843ba05898">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]Why don't you have your fiance's sisters on his side and then you can have your other two personal assistants on your side? If I am reading all this correctly that would put you both at 7.
Posted by amalama[/QUOTE]

Oh my gosh, we didn't even think of that! Definitely something to consider! I'll be sure to discuss with the family this weekend. Thank you so much!!!

MelissaJasonWedding13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:cb64b1d8-fd76-46d2-84ca-c1dd758dcf50">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]As someone who actually has OCD, I think uneven sides would very good exposure therapy for you. The more you feed a disorder or obsession, the worse it gets. The first time I let my turn signal blink for a number that wasn't a multiple of 10, I was certain I would die. Years later, I don't even count anymore. PPs have had very good points. You are literally telling people that pretty pictures mean more to you than they do. Think of it outside the box. What is more important to you, honoring the people you love or having an even number of people standing for your ceremony (which is a very small fraction of the typical wedding day). And if symmetry is so important, what will these 4 extra women be doing while the actual wedding party is taking their pictures? Will they get to be in these pictures? Where will they stand? Because, god forbid, those picture would be uneven!! Where will they sit for dinner? They couldn't possible sit with the rest of the "real" wedding party!! You have four reasonable options, in my opinion: 1. Have uneven sides. Get over it. 2. Have uneven sides and have the entire wedding party (except maybe the MOH & best man) sit in the first row during the ceremony. 3. As a PP suggested, have your two friends on your side and your sister-in-laws on FI's side (do genital differences scare you as much as number differences?). 4. Continue what you are doing and look like a giant ass. But please, don't come here for advise if you're going to dismiss every response and get all pissy.
Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the input! I wasn't asking about making things symmetrical because I don't need advice on the matter. I was just asking a about a title for the FSILs . After all of the comments I've decided to just discuss it with my FSILs. Thanks for taking the time to share.

MelissaJasonWedding13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:07b379ef-f85e-4f3f-aa48-06307260aefb">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad?? : The fact that it is your wedding is not license to treat your friends like objects.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

Haha! Wow! Here I am, trying to find ways to make my loved ones special and included on our wedding day, and it comes off as objectifying! I've decided to leave these discussions to my family and friends. But thanks for stopping and attempting to help!

MelissaJasonWedding13 · January 2013

Well, I'm surprised to see such strong reactions to this title! I've decided that I'm close enough to my future sisters in law to express my feelings to them and ask them how they would be most comfortable being involved. I'm still thrilled to plan my wedding and get these girls as the package deal

I really think now a days there are no rules and people should have every opportunity to have the wedding YOU want. Like I said, I'm shocked at how much time and energy some people put into these comments. And I want to say THANK YOU to those that were honestly here to lend a helpful hand to a fellow bride. If I've learned anything from all of these posts, it's that everyone has an opinion, and I'm lucky enough to know which ones are sincere and important to me. I've got Barbra singing in my head.... Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade! Lol http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=G_g3kkGH8Mo&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DG_g3kkGH8Mo I hope you ALL have or had the beautiful day you dreamt of with all of your closest loved ones surrounding you! Congrats and good luck to you!

MyNameIsNot · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_honorary-bridesmaid-is-it-really-that-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ead6e2a0-f2c4-4d50-9d93-f5ebc76e0d83Post:90e6dcab-0f55-480b-9a81-b2731d76494c">Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Honorary Bridesmaid" Is it really THAT bad?? : Haha! Wow! Here I am, trying to find ways to make my loved ones special and included on our wedding day, and it comes off as objectifying! I've decided to leave these discussions to my family and friends. But thanks for stopping and attempting to help!
Posted by MelissaJasonWedding13[/QUOTE]

<div>Including them as bridesmaids would not be objectifying them. Excluding them or putting them in crap jobs because there aren't guys to "balance them out" is objectifying them.</div><div>
</div><div>But great job ignoring the obvious. You might as well stick your head in the sand and pretend that this is an acceptable way to treat people you pretend to care about. </div>

Simply Fated · January 2013

"Nope! Because that is a dinner, this is a ceremony and I want it symmetrical. Thanks for all of your interest though :" So, this whole thing has nothing to do with OCD and everything to do do with you wanting the sides to be even for aesthetic reasons, right? If you want to give them special titles in the program, consider listing them as Sisters and Sister in Laws or whatever relationship they are. As an only child, to be listed as a sisterinlaw, would make me feel WAY more important than "personal attendant." Invite them to get ready WITH you as friends and sisters, not as attendants. This way, you're inviting them to hang out as equals, and not as them being "the help." You can ask them how they feel, but there is a good chance they could "yes" you, then roll their eyes at you behind your back. All except one person in this thread is trying to tell you this, please consider that, too. I'm not trying to sound snotty, I really just want you to be able to start your marriage out on the right foot with these people and NOT create an issue where they think they're "unpaid help" which is, essentially what they would be.

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