Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?

goetzr19 · September 2010

Oh, and as far as a reason TO seperate the SO's? I think it's incredibly rude that on a day about LOVE, if you have WP members that are single, that you would want to rub it in their faces by having the remainder of your WP sit with their SO's, and then they have no one to sit with. Now, THAT is rude.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_head-table-dates-dates-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:fc8387ba-b444-438d-b069-333367355a82Post:979d0703-9032-40bc-b5b3-676b0eb1efa1">Re: Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]Banana---I'm guessing you're the kind of girl who got rid of the garter toss, the bouquet toss, and just about everything else fun at your wedding? Just seems like it to me.
Posted by goetzr19[/QUOTE]
Yeah, the garter and bouquet toss are EXACTLY as fun as sitting on display like a zoo exhibit and choosing which of the two people seated next to you, who you probably don't know very well, you'd like to talk to. That's why so many single women dash for the bathroom when the bouquet toss is announced. Pretty apt comparison.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_head-table-dates-dates-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:fc8387ba-b444-438d-b069-333367355a82Post:068d4485-045f-4e4a-a2a2-fc60d11eff5a">Re: Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and as far as a reason TO seperate the SO's? I think it's incredibly rude that on a day about LOVE, if you have WP members that are single, that you would want to rub it in their faces by having the remainder of your WP sit with their SO's, and then they have no one to sit with. Now, THAT is rude.
Posted by goetzr19[/QUOTE]
You've never been acquainted with this concept called "logic," have you? Yes, attending a wedding as a single person can be difficult, as the single person no doubt realizes going in. Why not separate ALL of your guests from their spouses, then, since the single person can just as easily look out into the crowd and see all the happy couples together? Your reasoning is insane.

goetzr19 · September 2010

Aerin, you must be the Queen of Knowledge. Let me bow down to you. No wonder I've heard your name from girls who avoid boards you are on. Don't you have anything better to do with your time than to mock people and belittle them (11,000 posts in 2 years makes you look like you do little else with your time--just an FYI) I feel sorry for your neglected FI/DH.

banana468 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_head-table-dates-dates-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:fc8387ba-b444-438d-b069-333367355a82Post:979d0703-9032-40bc-b5b3-676b0eb1efa1">Re: Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]Banana---I'm guessing you're the kind of girl who got rid of the garter toss, the bouquet toss, and just about everything else fun at your wedding? Just seems like it to me.
Posted by goetzr19[/QUOTE]

Ahh yes. The bouquet, garter toss and head tables are the only things that make weddings fun. A great reception has nothing to do with taking the time to make sure your guests have fun in other ways such as, visiting with them, serving great food and beverages, making sure that you have fantastic music played that just begs people to get onto the dance floor and a guest list of people who enjoy one another's company. You're right. We didn't have a bouquet or garter toss and now over three years later, I didn't miss a thing. Based on the packed dance floor and empty plates, our guests didn't miss them either. That was a nice try though.

And as for this comment:

[QUOTE]Oh, and as far as a reason TO seperate the SO's? I think it's incredibly rude that on a day about LOVE, if you have WP members that are single, that you would want to rub it in their faces by having the remainder of your WP sit with their SO's, and then they have no one to sit with. Now, THAT is rude. [/QUOTE]

Tee hee. Seriously? I have to echo PP that your logic is completely flawed. IF your WP members are in relationships then they should be seated with their significant others. Period. There doesn't need to be a table of couples and a table of singles. More and more weddings I attend don't even have the WP all at one table. They're seated amongst mutual friends.

However with that logic then as PP said, you should make sure that none of your guests are seated with their SOs so as not to rub it in the faces of the single guests. Of course that would also mean that the bride and groom should not be seated next to one another either. Logic FAIL.

goetzr19 · September 2010

B-O-R-I-N-G response.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_head-table-dates-dates-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:fc8387ba-b444-438d-b069-333367355a82Post:0f58077a-6de2-4d07-aa10-a12f8fb81537">Re: Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]Aerin, you must be the Queen of Knowledge. Let me bow down to you. No wonder I've heard your name from girls who avoid boards you are on. Don't you have anything better to do with your time than to mock people and belittle them (11,000 posts in 2 years makes you look like you do little else with your time--just an FYI) I feel sorry for your neglected FI/DH.
Posted by goetzr19[/QUOTE]
When I first joined the Knot, I was in school and had a boring job, so I spent a lot of time here. Now I graduated to a different boring desk job, and I've made a lot of friends here. I either post while I'm at work, or while my husband is doing his own Internet stuff. We're in great shape, thanks. But kudos for becoming a walking cliche by pulling out the "I feel sorry for your DH" line when you don't like the response you got.

goetzr19 · September 2010

I'm sure your boss would love to know that he pays you to Knot. It's not that I didn't like your response, I just don't agree with you being a b*tch to people you don't agree with. I see it an awful lot with you, that's all.

banana468 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_head-table-dates-dates-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:fc8387ba-b444-438d-b069-333367355a82Post:8f22f53d-0b0b-423b-8a42-a751d80eab9c">Re: Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]B-O-R-I-N-G response.
Posted by goetzr19[/QUOTE]

Boring?

How can a response be boring? It's supported and IMO phrased rather welll. Could you please explain?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · September 2010

I you want a head table and you'll end up with 36 people if you include SOs, well, that's your own damn fault.

There are many options. Sweetheart table. Sitting with both sets of parents. Sitting with MOH and BM and their dates. Sitting with siblings. Including SOs in the head table. ALL of those options allow you to seat your WP with their SOs. The ONLY one that doesn't is a head table where you intentionally exclude their SOs and frankly, I don't know why you would want to do that to people. "Oh hey, you agreed to be in my wedding. So suck it up and do something neither you nor your husband want to do. It's ONLY and HOUR. Jeez, you shouldn't be complaining." Why do something like that to your close friends when you don't have to?

cmmosley81 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_head-table-dates-dates-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:fc8387ba-b444-438d-b069-333367355a82Post:d80ce3b6-2bd5-433b-ad76-9be5041a2b94">Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my BM asked if her husband was sitting at the head table with her and the rest of us. I honestly had no idea how to answer her. <strong>My first response was "no"</strong> but is that acceptable? Can I have a special table for wedding party SO's? I have 4 BM, and FI has 4 GM and then us. Would it look odd to have all of us as well as each of them have a date? M
Posted by drkswifey2b[/QUOTE]
I have to say that even if it is proper or not you have to do what you feel is right. If you want them up there then fine if you dont that is fine too. I know I am going to get it for saying this but dont let a whole bunch of women you dont know decide your wedding. I asked a question on here and now I regret it because what they think is right and what I feel is acceptable are different. YOU are getting married at YOUR wedding you do what you want and I promise you this if someone does say something about it then they were looking for something to comment on anyways.

banana468 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_head-table-dates-dates-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:fc8387ba-b444-438d-b069-333367355a82Post:ee648815-d712-43ef-b82a-7c43a4ca9cf8">Re: Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party? : I have to say that even if it is proper or not you have to do what you feel is right. If you want them up there then fine if you dont that is fine too. I know I am going to get it for saying this but dont let a whole bunch of women you dont know decide your wedding. I asked a question on here and now I regret it because what they think is right and what I feel is acceptable are different. YOU are getting married at YOUR wedding you do what you want and I promise you this if someone does say something about it then they were looking for something to comment on anyways.
Posted by cmmosley81[/QUOTE]

This makes sense if you don't read up on what is or isn't acceptable.

There is an etiquette of what is and isn't the proper way to do things. You can disagree with it but that does not mean that suddenly your opinion holds more water than established etiquette and therefore how you do things should not be questioned because it's your wedding.

Anytime you stray from what is considered proper, you have to understand that you are indeed opening the door for others to at least raise an eyebrow to your choices.

And yes, it may be your wedding and a function that you are hosting however you are hosting it FOR your guests and not yourselves. The comfort of your guests at the reception exceeds your desires as hosts. That does not mean that you should host beyond your means but it certainly does mean that you should be hosting with the desires of your guests in mind and not your own.

acnahm · September 2010

Wow, there are a lot of opinions here

I just wanted to add that we WERE going to do the same thing. Head table with only WP. I was so into the idea of having a head table. And then I thought about it a little more. We have a rather large WP (6bm, 6gm) and all but one gm and one bm are either married, engaged or in a serious long term relationship - and the bm is my young cousin so I couldn't imagine her being ok sitting away from her parents. Also, many of their SO do not know many others. I didn't want everyone to be at the head table because that would be a very long, large table and I didn't like that. In the end, we are doing a sweetheart table and everyone will sit with their SO and friends. I am very much looking forward to the 5 minutes (hopefully more!) alone with FI, and I feel like everyone will be much happier and have so much more fun this way. I put myself in the WP situation and decided that I would really want to sit with FI if one of us were in the WP, so that really helped the decision. I think everyone would feel differently if put in the situation, but most would want to sit with their SO.

emillee21 · September 2010

Every wedding i have been in its always been wedding party only at the head table and thats what i am doing at mine also. I have limited space so if people cant deal with it for an hour at the most then I dont know what to tell them. sorry......

lilianne22 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_head-table-dates-dates-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:fc8387ba-b444-438d-b069-333367355a82Post:d80ce3b6-2bd5-433b-ad76-9be5041a2b94">Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my BM asked if her husband was sitting at the head table with her and the rest of us. I honestly had no idea how to answer her. My first response was "no" but is that acceptable? Can I have a special table for wedding party SO's? I have 4 BM, and FI has 4 GM and then us. Would it look odd to have all of us as well as each of them have a date? M
Posted by drkswifey2b[/QUOTE]

It would not look odd to have your WP and their s/o's all at one table. If you want to have a head table with your WP then it is polite to have their s/o's sit with them. If you are afraid this will make your table too large, have a sweetheart table. Please don't split the WP from their s/o's. Not just because it's proper ettiquette to let them sit together but because it will make everyone more comfortable and happy.

finallytime37 · September 2010

I'm the date to the FI in the wedding party. He was the best man in a wedding last May and their wedding party was 21 people!! They still did a head table, but obviously didn't include dates. I was literally alone nearly the entire time. The ceremony, I sat alone. I had never met the bride or her family and was semi-close with the groom and some of the groomsmen, but none of the family. It was until the reception (where friends of FI and I attended - they were invited the night before the wedidng.) I was miserable. I understood that the couple wanted the head table, but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do that to anyone else.

In about a month, I am attending another wedding with FI, he's a groomsman and everyone that I know is in the wedding party. I don't anticipate being sat with FI. I'm probably just going to have to suck it up and be friendly, but very likely another not so fun wedding for me.

Please keep the feelings of the SO in mind. If he/she knows other people then it wouldn't be a big deal, but try to be sensitive.

JDM143 · September 2010

Head tables are pretty outdated -- as the bride & groom you are visiting tables and chatting with different people and other than the toasts aren't at your own table -- so get a sweetheart table so that everyone can sit with their date, you aren't going to be there anyways. If you were a bridesmaid and had a boyfriend who didn't know anyone would you want him sitting all by his lonesome? Other than the bride & groom the tables are their homebase -- I think it'd be nice if homebase were the same for the bridesmaid & their dates, & groomsmen etc...

emmagfunk03 · September 2010

We're having a head table. I don't like the sweetheart table. None of our bridal party is married or engaged, two out of the ten have boyfriends or girlfriends, and we are all part of the same social group so they'll be sat with people they know and have fun with.

I might reconsider if any of the SOs didn't know anyone, but that's not the case. I

I say do what you want.

sassy1782 · September 2010

I've been in 3 weddings in the last few years, 2 had sweetheart tables and one had a head table. I can honestly say I had a lot more fun at the 2 with sweetheart tables. I was able to have conversations with several people, enjoy the company of my SO, & not feel like people were watching me throughtout dinner and all of traditional dances, etc. The sweatheart table was flanked by a table for the BMs and their SOs & the groomsmen and their SO's. At the one with the head table, I was at the end of the table with one person to my left that I didn't know well and my BF was at the back of the room with a table full of people he didn't know. It felt extremely awkward. And since the bride & groom were only at the head table for a short time before circulating & traditions began, it didn't seem like the bridal party needed to be there.

While I've been writing this, I realized that I've also been to 4 weddings as a guest in the same period of time and can't remember what the bride and groom had at any of them. In other words your guests probably won't remember what your head table/sweetheart table looked like whether it be a super long head table or just the two of you. So I'd go with making your wedding party comfortable vs. having the "traditional" head table.

Xan921 · September 2010

We're doing a head table with just our WP. I've been in a couple weddings and really didn't mind sitting away from my SO. Honestly, as soon as we finished eating, we all left the head table and never returned for the rest of the night. I really don't think it makes much of a difference either way. Do what you want to do. It's really only seating and not that big of a deal. Regardless of where you sit people, everyone gets up and mingles, no one sits in their 'assigned' seat after dinner time.

nannewmur · September 2010

This topic has raised a lot of debate. I agree with one pp who stated the WP obligation is during ceremony. This is how I have had it explained through numerous wedding books, etc.

Just a thought-what about having the parents/grandparents/bride and groom sit at head table maybe?

christine825_us · September 2010

We sat with our parents at a smaller table (sort of a sweetheart table). It gave us time to spend with our parents who felt very honored and gave our WP the opportunity to spend some time with their SO's/spouses. I hated the idea of forcing their dates to be seated away from them - it is just rude - no matter how you spin it.

Honestly you and your nwe husband shouldn't be spending that much time sitting down anyway (you'll be mingling etc.) but your WP really don't have any responsibilities after the ceremony so why stick them at a table by themselves? I really don't get this.

rkmoore80 · September 2010

To those people saying that you shouldn't do a head table just because it's what you want to do...why not? Why can't you do what you want? Your wedding party signed up for this, they knew what they were getting into. I've never expected that I would sit with my date at weddings in which I was a bridesmaid (sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't). If you're in somebody's wedding party, presumably your a very good friend. So why don't you try BEING a good friend and sitting at the head table if that's what they want, without complaining about it or secretly juding them. It's their day, not yours, and it's one hour of your life. Dates can have a glass of champagne and make small talk. It's actually kind of fun.

And, on a tangent, what's with people "not wanting to be on display"? Really? It's your wedding day, the whole point is to put yourself on display. Think about it, have you ever been to a wedding where the bride and groom sat at a regular table or a secluded head table? How frustrated were you when you couldn't figure out where they were? People are there to see you, so wouldn't hiding yourself during dinner be as rude to your guests as not letting them sit with their dates? Oh I know what everyone's going to say..."not everyone is comfortable being the center of attention, I don't want people watching me eat, I looked at the couple all day, I don't care if I see them eating dinner." Fine, do whatever you want, and whatever you're comfortable with. But why do you jump all over the backs of people who like a head table and not the bride who wants a big white wedding but paradoxically doesn't want anyone looking at her?

The notion that separating a bridesmaid from her boyfriend is equivalent to separating the bride from the groom is ludicrous, and does not warrant further comment.

Sweetheart table girls, if you don't like a head table, fine. No one says you have to have it. Just quit being such huge B's to people who want a head table.

PS: I'm doing a sweetheart table

princess3576 · September 2010

Wow. I guess I never even thought this much about this issue. I did have a BM bring it up to me. So, I've been talking with my FI about having a sweetheart table. He's not too keen on the idea. Plus, we're not sure (with the set up of the reception venue) that we're even capable of having a sweetheart table. So, I'm kind of trying to avoid that decision until I absolutely have to choose. I like the idea of having my WP sit with their SO/family. I think it's nicer, more like going to a family event rather than some big party where you're forced to make small talk with the people seated next to you. I'm an outgoing person, but not everyone is. It's very important to me that my friends and family enjoy themselves and feel comfortable on our wedding day. I haven't been a bridezilla yet and I don't intend on being one. Everyone has to do their wedding the way they want, but I'm just the type of person who tries to put others first, even on my wedding day.

banana468 · September 2010

RK, to respond to your statements:

[QUOTE]To those people saying that you shouldn't do a head table just because it's what you want to do...why not? Why can't you do what you want? Your wedding party signed up for this, they knew what they were getting into.[/QUOTE]

1) The reception is for the guests. The hosts need and should be planning this with the guests' desires in mind and not their own. Sure they can do what they want, but their desires do not come first at an event for them.

2) Your WP signed up to be there in the CEREMONY. That's where their duty begins and ends. The reception is for the guests and therefore you are incorrect. They did not "sign up" for this" nor did they "know what they were getting into". They knew that they'd have to do things during the ceremony ONLY.

[QUOTE]If you're in somebody's wedding party, presumably your a very good friend. So why don't you try BEING a good friend and sitting at the head table if that's what they want, without complaining about it or secretly juding them. It's their day, not yours, and it's one hour of your life. [/QUOTE]

1) If you asked someone to be in your wedding then presumably YOU are wanting to be a good friend to HER or HIM. So why don't YOU try being a good friend and not doing something selfish at the event that's for the guests?

2) You can only say "It's the couple's day" If they choose to involve no one else. The moment they ask others to be in the wedding or to even attend it, it stops being just "their day" and it does become the day of all the people they request to be there. One does not get license to do something selfish in the name of it being his or her wedding.

[QUOTE]Think about it, have you ever been to a wedding where the bride and groom sat at a regular table or a secluded head table? [/QUOTE]

Sure. I've seen couples sit at sweetheart tables tucked off to the side. The bride and groom are on display by nature of being the bride and groom that day. There's no getting around that.

[QUOTE]How frustrated were you when you couldn't figure out where they were?[/QUOTE]

Let's see. Find woman in white dress - DONE. That took 4.5 seconds tops. And when I'm eating, I really don't care where the bride and groom are. I care that my food isn't awful.

[QUOTE]People are there to see you, so wouldn't hiding yourself during dinner be as rude to your guests as not letting them sit with their dates? [/QUOTE]

FALSE. People are there because you're HOSTING them and you're thanking them in the form of food and refreshment. I do agree that if you sit in a separate room from your guests then it's rude. If you're eating in the same room as your guests then no, it is not rude.

[QUOTE] But why do you jump all over the backs of people who like a head table and not the bride who wants a big white wedding but paradoxically doesn't want anyone looking at her?[/QUOTE]

I think there's a way to have balance. One does not need to be seated on a podium or in a place resembling Da Vinci's "Last Supper" in order to be a good hostess to her guests. She should be in the same room as them but it doesn't have to be in a way that all eyes have no choice but to look to her based on the seating arrangements.

[QUOTE]The notion that separating a bridesmaid from her boyfriend is equivalent to separating the bride from the groom is ludicrous, and does not warrant further comment.[/QUOTE]

It's equally as ludicrous to say, "Please come attend this reception, the event FOR you where you will be so honored as to be split from your long standing SO, maybe even your husband. I've decided that on this day celebrating ever-lasting love and togetherness that YOUR everlasting love and togetherness simply does not matter to me as a hostess. So sit up here with me and your SO 'can manage' while I do what I want without even though I know this is a rude thing to do."

If you want to be OK with splitting up SOs then split yourself from YOUR SO. If it's good for the goose then it's good for the gander.

[QUOTE]Just quit being such huge B's to people who want a head table.[/QUOTE]

I'd appreciate if you'd respond in ways that aren't insulting to me (which is against the rules of TK BTW. If you were posting on one of the boards where I mod I'd be warning you.)

FWIW, I don't think I'm being that way. I'm asking why anyone can justify splitting up their WP from their SOs and offering counterpoints to why the practice is completely inappropriate.

ketchikan3969 · September 2010

I have never been to a wedding where the SOs of the WP sat with the WP... and I have been in 8 weddings. I agree with PP that dinner is short and that's really the only time people will be in their seats. Personally, my FI and each have 7 attendents, so if we included their dates at our head table it would be out of control.

Go with your gut.

emillee21 · September 2010

FIrst of all I never said my wp's feelings weren't important and everyone in my wedding party is married and i was in all there weddings and my they all had head tables so they dont mind at all sitting at my head table.
If you need to drop out of a wedding party just because you cant sit with your spouse then thats sad, its one day actually its more like one hour you cant sit with him.

courtnstephen · September 2010

We decided to have a table just for the two of us (the B and G) and we are sitting the rest of the wedding party WITH their SOs at another table. We didn't want the dates to be uncomfortable, especially since they don't really know other people attending. Plus, we thought it would be fun for the WP to sit together at a round table so they could all interact rather than a long head table where really no one can chat. Who cares what is traditionally done...this is 2010...not 1950!!!

shonaghmac · September 2010

I agree with all of you who feel the head table is dated. I am 31 and have been to dozens of weddings in the past 15 years. I can only think of 3 with head tables. I was the SO separated from my date at all 3. Even when seated with friends, you still wish your date was sitting with you. It's common sense and courtesy to seat people with their husbands/wives or SOs. I have been in 7 weddings and was able to sit with my SO at all of them. Much better experience! For our wedding, we are sitting w our siblings and their dates (it works out that there are 10). The rest of the wedding party will sit at 2 tables, one on each side of us, WITH THEIR DATES!
You're stuck in the 80s if you still use a head table. It's extremely cheesy and tacky at this point, not to mention just plain rude!

Xan921 · September 2010

shonaghmac, I think it's extremely tacky and rude for you to pass such a judgement. Everyone likes different things, so if someone wants to have a head table, why is it an issue? I've been to 3 weddings this year alone and all 3 had head tables. I don't think it's dated; it's a matter of personal opinion and choice. No need to insult what someone wants.

Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?

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