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Moms and Maids

FMIL Monster in law

So, I am having some serious issues starting to surface with my FMIL. She has always been nice to to my face but in a fakey way. well she sends a text to FH saying "i feel like i dont have a son anymore, amanda and her family are taking you away from us and you will come around when you are ready" just to clear the air, I am a full time student and work 30 hrs a wk, and he works 60 hrs a week. i don't think she realizes this, and fact is we hardly have time to hang out together, let alone see anyone else. 

anyway, its not the first stab she has taken at me, he told her he had quit drinking and her reply was, "thats great, but you should do it for yourself, not for amanda" and her daughter is a BM, and she tried to pick an argument with me, accusing me of ordering all the dresses without telling them, fyi, only one of the four ordered theirs and the wedding is in june, you have time, and I DON'T ORDER THE DRESSES! 

I honestly never thought i would have this problem with her. if anything she should be thanking me, since he has been with me he has completely turned his life around, we are responsible, drive nice cars, own our own home and are constantly working to get more. As far as i'm concerned she didn't want anything to do with him, he was a bad boy with a lot of problems and she kicked him out with nowhere to go on christmas, and of course now that he is successful and responsible she wants him around. How does that work?

At any rate, I am stuck because this really upset me and is still driving me crazy, and because its his mom he can't see what I and other people see and refuses to do anything about it. my aunt went through the same thing when she married her husband, and he wouldn't stand up for their relationship, now 20 yrs later she is still ostracized by his family and refuses to go to any social event with his family so he goes alone with the kids. Omg i don't want that to be us!  What am I supposed to do?

Re: FMIL Monster in law

  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You really can't do anything.  Unless she starts personally attacking you and trying to sabotage your wedding she really isn't all that bad.  H hasn't even lived in teh same city as his mom, let alone live with his mom since high school.  They don't have close relationship at all, yet she carreid on at the RD about how she was losing her baby and was too upset to talk to anyone.  She literally would shake her head to answer people when they talked to her.  Was I pissed and annoyed at her?  Yes.  Did I force H to say anyting to her?  Not at all.  And he was also annoyed and pissed at her, but thats his mom and thats who she is, so he didn't say anything. 

    I understand that you work a lot, but have you made any efforts to get closer with her?  Or get to know her outside of just being engaged to her son?  Maybe you could call her and talk to her about the wedding a bit, or just something else in general.  Offer to take her to lunch. 
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  • ekilzer1ekilzer1 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    <div>Ok, first of all YOU don't say anything to her... this is something your FH should talk to her about.... second of all.... Take a step back- think about how your Dad feels about giving away you... his Mom is going through the same feelings as your Dad... </div><div>
    </div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-monster-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c711153-c2ce-4856-89c2-550d178a4496Post:84d6dae0-24f9-4fac-85bc-7059a748d036">FMIL Monster in law</a>:<div>[QUOTE] if anything she should be thanking me, since he has been with me he has completely turned his life around, 
    Posted by heino018[/QUOTE]

    </div><div>This attitude might have something to do with it too.... If he turned his life around, <strong>good for him</strong>, but you cannot take credit for it. Maybe you were the inspiration for him turning his life around, but he is the one who made the effort to make those changes. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-monster-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c711153-c2ce-4856-89c2-550d178a4496Post:84d6dae0-24f9-4fac-85bc-7059a748d036">FMIL Monster in law</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, I am having some serious issues starting to surface with my FMIL. She has always been nice to to my face but in a fakey way. well <strong>she sends a text to FH saying "i feel like i dont have a son anymore, amanda and her family are taking you away from us and you will come around when you are ready"</strong> just to clear the air, I am a full time student and work 30 hrs a wk, and he works 60 hrs a week. i don't think she realizes this, and fact is we hardly have time to hang out together, let alone see anyone else.  anyway, <strong>its not the first stab she has taken at me, he told her he had quit drinking and her reply was, "thats great, but you should do it for yourself, not for amanda"</strong> and her daughter is a BM, and she tried to pick an argument with me, accusing me of ordering all the dresses without telling them, fyi, only one of the four ordered theirs and the wedding is in june, you have time, and I DON'T ORDER THE DRESSES!  I honestly never thought i would have this problem with her. if anything she should be thanking me, since he has been with me he has completely turned his life around, we are responsible, drive nice cars, own our own home and are constantly working to get more. As far as i'm concerned she didn't want anything to do with him, he was a bad boy with a lot of problems and she kicked him out with nowhere to go on christmas, and of course now that he is successful and responsible she wants him around. How does that work? At any rate, I am stuck because this really upset me and is still driving me crazy, and<strong><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#FF0000"> because its his mom he can't see what I and other people see and refuses to do anything about it.</font></strong> my aunt went through the same thing when she married her husband, and he wouldn't stand up for their relationship, now 20 yrs later she is still ostracized by his family and refuses to go to any social event with his family so he goes alone with the kids. Omg i don't want that to be us!  What am I supposed to do?
    Posted by heino018[/QUOTE]

    <div>The texts she sends and the lack of him doing anything about it makes me worried for you. You need to sit down and have a mature and open talk that what she is saying about you is making you uncomfortable and that if he does not want to stand up for you then maybe a pre-marriage counselor is needed. You do not direct any negative comments to his mom directly because I can guarantee you will be opening a can a worms so do everything you can to keep the negative comments she is making to your FI to deal with. </div>
  • jerseydeviljerseydevil member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-monster-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c711153-c2ce-4856-89c2-550d178a4496Post:567e2889-4c2d-45f5-a07b-f19a7c716575">Re: FMIL Monster in law</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, first of all YOU don't say anything to her... this is something your FH should talk to her about.... second of all.... Take a step back- think about how your Dad feels about giving away you... his Mom is going through the same feelings as your Dad...  In Response to FMIL Monster in law : This attitude might have something to do with it too.... If he turned his life around, good for him , but you cannot take credit for it. Maybe you were the inspiration for him turning his life around, but he is the one who made the effort to make those changes. 
    Posted by ekilzer1[/QUOTE]

    AGREE!! Let him deal with her and stay out of the drama - that's what I would do.

  • edited December 2011
    I wish I had words of wisdom as I went through a similar situation with my xH.  Quick example - his mother and grandmother threatened to quit eating if he got married.  Seriously.  So, all I can offer is good wishes - listen to the ladies here - they have good advice.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I think a lot of us can understand what it's like to have a difficult in-law.  That being said, this is more an issue between you and your FI.

    Your FI should be sticking up for you and telling your FMIL that she's crossing a line.  He should be willing to say "Mom, look how much of a wreck I used to be.  I have a new direction in my life and I'd like it if you would support my decisions."  These are things he needs to stand up for himself and say, because yes, otherwise it comes across as you controlling him and no mom in the world is cool with that.  He needs to tell her when to stop saying what she's saying and he needs to be able to express to her that he has chosen this life.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    ditto marissa_claire. Rather than showing you the e-mail that was never meant for your eyes, he should be telling his mom how hard he is working to keep his life on track and how supportive you are. If he had done that, you would not be dealing with your own resentment, right now and his mom might be feeling more respectful of your relationship.

    Don't criticize his mom for throwing him out when he was drinking. That might have been his first wake up call. He's a lucky guy that his mom had the guts to do it and he found you to support his good decisions. But ultimately, he is the one who deserves the credit and responsibility for his own sobriety.

    Don't let his mom's comments get to you. The two of you have created a nice life together. Enjoy it. And congratulations.
                       
  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think your issue is with your FI, not with your FMIL.  Why is he showing you these texts?  He should be standing up for you to his mom without showing you these things and upsetting you.  Fact is - if he's not standing up for you now, that's not going to get better after you get married.  You need to have a talk with your FI.
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  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Ditto PPs on this being a you and FI issue, not FMIL issue. Are the things she's saying hurtful to you? Yes. Should you even know she's saying these things? No. Your FI should deal with his mother about these things without even involving you. If he gets a text or an email from her that has something negative about you in it, he should immediately respond in defense of you, not run to you saying "Look what my mom wrote about you."

    FWIW I think you and he need to get into some couseling before you tie the knot. If he can't stand up to her now, he won't when you're married.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-monster-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c711153-c2ce-4856-89c2-550d178a4496Post:9f92ecf3-09be-48c7-a4e8-14bd4a34faa3">Re: FMIL Monster in law</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think your issue is with your FI, not with your FMIL.  Why is he showing you these texts?  He should be standing up for you to his mom without showing you these things and upsetting you. <strong> Fact is - if he's not standing up for you now, that's not going to get better after you get married</strong>.  You need to have a talk with your FI.
    Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]

    This was what I had to deal with for many years.  Wish I'd had the wise women of TK to help me then!

    Definitely talk to your FI and counseling could be very helpful in working on the communication.
    Anniversary
  • IAmLymeladyIAmLymelady member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-monster-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c711153-c2ce-4856-89c2-550d178a4496Post:8fb4a50c-3ffb-4b60-bcc0-c50f33c67ef4">Re: FMIL Monster in law</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to FMIL Monster in law : The texts she sends and the lack of him doing anything about it makes me worried for you. You need to sit down and have a mature and open talk that what she is saying about you is making you uncomfortable and that if he does not want to stand up for you then maybe a pre-marriage counselor is needed. You do not direct any negative comments to his mom directly because I can guarantee you will be opening a can a worms so do everything you can to keep the negative comments she is making to your FI to deal with. 
    Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

    This.  Do exactly this.
  • edited December 2011

    This is his mother...he needs to deal with her.  That is a deal breaker for me.  I do not want to spend the rest of my life thinking about avoiding people, worrying about getting along with people.  He stands with you, or you will spend "til death do us part" as the outlaw.

    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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