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FMIL and Reception

kmw190kmw190
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in Moms and Maids
Hello! My fiance and I are having a mid-afternoon wedding. Our reception will be around 3:30ish, so it's not at the right time of day for a big meal. So we decided on doing finger-food type foods. Well, my FMIL does not think it's good enough, and thinks it's unfair to our out-of-town guests. My out-of-town friends have said that they don't care what they eat, they're just looking forward to coming and having fun! Anyway, my FMIL plans to cook a big meal to invite all her out-of-town guests to after the reception. This really irritates me, because I'm going through all the work to plan a fun celebration, and she's pretty much saying I'm not doing a good enough of a job planning my own wedding, and that she's just gonna hafta make up for it after the fact. My FMIL and I have had many other wedding-related problems before this, but I can't take it anymore!

How do I handle this situation?
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Re: FMIL and Reception

  • ElisabethJoanneElisabethJoanne member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    What I would do is have your future husband say, "We think it's great that your arranging to spend more time with your family and friends from out of town during our wedding weekend, but kmw and I are leaving for our honeymoon right after the reception, so we won't be able to participate."

    OTOH, I think it's fair that your FMIL specially host "her" oot guests some time that weekend, especially if she doesn't see them often. She doesn't see these people often, why not spend as much time as possible with them while they're in town? OTOH, she shouldn't cut into your planning or reception time. If it's just "her" people at this afterparty your family's people shouldn't know about it. I don't know how to make that happen, though. I know what you can't do: Put her info in your invitations. Put it on your website. Invite anyone to it yourselves. Make this HER party for HER family.

    Ideally, this could be morphed into a day-after brunch or something.

    It's just to me it's perfectly normal for a matriarch to whisper to her family as you change out of your dress and into your traveling clothes, "Please come to the house for dinner after we've seen them off." or "We've made arrangements for supper at a restaurant a few blocks away." When my family is in town, we spend as much time together as possible. It'd be unthinkable to not at least give visiting relatives an idea for where to get dinner, and usually we'd make them dinner. Indeed, one of my worries with my end-of-weekend wedding is my mom will spend all weekend hosting my cousins and won't be able to help me, as well as filling the house with visitors who really stress me out.
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  • kmw190kmw190
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa5d5d59-1e7c-4916-b6ae-4a3b8b69baacPost:21208be5-2321-49cf-aa1a-3f5866ca7a65">Re: FMIL and Reception</a>:
    [QUOTE]What I would do is have your future husband say, "We think it's great that your arranging to spend more time with your family and friends from out of town during our wedding weekend, but kmw and I are leaving for our honeymoon right after the reception, so we won't be able to participate." OTOH, I think it's fair that your FMIL specially host "her" oot guests some time that weekend, especially if she doesn't see them often. She doesn't see these people often, why not spend as much time as possible with them while they're in town? OTOH, she shouldn't cut into your planning or reception time. If it's just "her" people at this afterparty your family's people shouldn't know about it. I don't know how to make that happen, though. I know what you can't do: Put her info in your invitations. Put it on your website. Invite anyone to it yourselves. Make this HER party for HER family. Ideally, this could be morphed into a day-after brunch or something. It's just to me it's perfectly normal for a matriarch to whisper to her family as you change out of your dress and into your traveling clothes, "Please come to the house for dinner after we've seen them off." or "We've made arrangements for supper at a restaurant a few blocks away." When my family is in town, we spend as much time together as possible. It'd be unthinkable to not at least give visiting relatives an idea for where to get dinner, and usually we'd make them dinner. Indeed, one of my worries with my end-of-weekend wedding is my mom will spend all weekend hosting my cousins and won't be able to help me, as well as filling the house with visitors who really stress me out.
    Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

    <div>I don't have a problem with her throwing her own party, but she's doing it because what I'm doing isn't good enough for her. She can throw her own party all she wants, I would just prefer it be on another day if she's doing it to "make up for my shortcomings". For me, it's her motive and intentions behind it.</div>
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If these people are coming in to town for your wedding, having them over to spend time together on Saturday night makes the most sense.  They will all most likely leave Sunday.

    To be perfectly honest, as a MOB I'd do the same thing.  I'd take that time on Saturday night to visit with these people and share a meal. 

    I understand that this is being done in a passive aggressive manner and that would get to a lot of people.  I think you need to just let it go.  You have no control over what she plans on doing so don't make it a hill to die on.
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  • ElisabethJoanneElisabethJoanne member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So it's not the dinner, it's the reasons she expressed. Well, it's OK to vent about the reasons. But that's just between you, her, and us. To everyone else, what she's doing (as opposed to what she's saying) seems reasonable. I suggest you remind yourself she's probably stressed just like you and can't express things in the best way. Then don't worry about how she expresses herself in her stress. Just push through the stress to arrange for everyone to have as nice a day as possible.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I agree with ElisabethJoanne. As long as your FMIL isn't interfering with your plans on your wedding day, it's okay for her to host her family at an after party. If her family has traveled a few hours to be at your 3:00 wedding and 3:30 reception, they are probably going to be hungry enough to eat a full meal. So unless she feeds them, they might head off to eat elsewhere.

    Has she come right out and told you that your food isn't good enough for her family? If she did, then she was being rude. But you can't force her to change her party to a different day.
                       
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    How long is your reception expected to last?  are you thinking everyone will clear out by 7 or are you having a bar and dancing where people will hang out longer?

    I'm guessing, if she's having people for dinner, then you're planning on making your exit pretty early.  In this case I agree with PPs that you'll just have to suck it up and smile.  I might have FI mention to his mom that it would be inappropriate to make any big scene about how half the group is IMMEDIATELY going to a second party; as that will make your family feel slighted.  Her meal needs to be a seperate event and should not be mentioned or announced at your reception.  She should also avoid calling it an "after party" or anything with wedding-related tones. 

    If you're thinking this will go until later in the evening then make sure your finger foods include some heavier apps that could constitute a full meal.  in this situation I'd say your FMIL's idea to have everyone over after is out of line, as it would interfere with your reception and people would have to leave early to attend her event.  Sit down with her and work out a realistic timeline of the day so she understands that the two events conflict.

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  • Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would agree with what you have been told.  What she does after Elvis has left the building is not your business  Find something else to control, smile sweetly and let it go!
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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  • EmilyEastondotcomEmilyEastondotcom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Take the high road! YOU show her how to act by being gracious about her idea! And don't act like you're taking it as criticism. "What a wonderful idea! I'm so glad you'll get to spend mote time with your family." Don't act like it's a criticism of your menu. Be gracious -- and maybe it'll rub off on her.
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  • ElisabethJoanneElisabethJoanne member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Kate, I love your photos. Yay for blue bridesmaids dresses!
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  • MrshannahboydenMrshannahboyden
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Its perfectly fine for her to have a little get together for her OOT guests, just tell or ask her to not do it on the day of your wedding. If she wants to continue to have it on your wedding day, then she's being quite rude of not only you, but your FI.
    Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot! Wedding Countdown Ticker http://hannahandalec.weebly.com/ My Planning Bio-Updated 9/18
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