Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI

Re: Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI

• vicki0508 member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  It's fine to not like your FSIL.  However, I would avoid expressing your dislike to FI since apparently he doesn't appreciate that.  After all, this girl is family, so talking poorly about his family is offensive.
  
  Not to downplay your concerns, but this kind of seems like a nonissue.  If talking about FSIL upsets FI, stop talking about her.

  Planning Bio
  

  Report0 Reply
• KellyBrian2013

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_getting-along-w-fsil-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:98fce236-3a9c-4822-9d9c-a1c2d7afb074Post:c53c37d0-762e-40c2-9128-75b39165c755">Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI</a>:
  [QUOTE]So my FI and I have been dating for 6.5 years and are getting married next June.  My FI's brother met and married his now wife in 1 year, for most of that year they didn't live together.  It was really fast!  They literally planned their wedding in 2 months!  They got married last October.  My FI immediately accepted her as part of the family.  And I really want to like her, but she annoys the crap out of me.  I feel like she's very insincere, she laughs startlingly loud.  She's into yoga and she emailed me this (IMO) inappropriate youtube video about how to have better sex using yoga.  I feel like I don't know her very well and so I think it's weird and presumptuous of her to send me stuff like that.  But the minute I bring up her name my FI automatically assumes I'm critisizing and takes her side.  He hadn't even read her email.  In this case I suppose I was critisizing, but it's like he doesn't even hear me before he gets upset that I'm saying anything negative about her.  I know it's important to him that I try to get along with her and I don't even think she knows that I don't like her, we don't argue or anything.  I just try not to be around her.  We live across the country from each other so it's not like we see each other all the time.  But I'm not outward with my annoyance when I'm around her; I'm not rude obviously.  I really do want to get past it and stop being annoyed by her.  It's silly.  I've never felt this way about anyone, I generally get along with everyone.  It's just one of those things that when we talk about it we always end up arguing and maybe it's naive of me, but I'd like us to not have unresolved issues before we get married.  <strong>Should we do a session of counciling before we get married?  Is it serious enough for that?</strong>  I feel weird even suggesting that over something seemingly trivial like this... anyone else do couples counciling and have a positive experience?  I feel like I can manage the FSIL situation<strong>, but it really bothers me how my FI reacts</strong>.  Your advice please, sorry this is so long!  And I guess it's not really a moms and maids issue, but there's no "family" topic so I hope it's OK that I posted here! 
  Posted by jenn&chad[/QUOTE]
  
  Odds are that if you have to ask, it's "serious enough" for a counseling session. There is apparently an issue with communication between you and your FI, which is something that is critical to the success of any relationship.
  
  This expands beyong a FSIL issue - what if this sort of reaction happens when dealing with children, pets, spending-decisions, etc.? Tackle it now before you get married.

  Report0 Reply
• jerseydevil member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  What is it about FI's reaction that bothers you? How does it make you feel?
  
  Think about the answers to those questions, seems like there is an underlying issue here.
  
  Anyone else you dislike and FI defends like that?
  

  Report0 Reply
• jenn&chad member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_getting-along-w-fsil-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:98fce236-3a9c-4822-9d9c-a1c2d7afb074Post:532db88e-1076-4595-a98a-246ebdcc6268">Re: Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI</a>:
  [QUOTE]What is it about FI's reaction that bothers you? How does it make you feel? Think about the answers to those questions, seems like there is an underlying issue here. Anyone else you dislike and FI defends like that?
  Posted by jerseydevil[/QUOTE]
  
  Actually in the beginning of our relationship he had a "friend" who he used to be a little more than friends with and I told him I thought she was trying to get back together, he defended her and finally she hit on him when we were all hanging out together and he realized I was right.  Now that I'm thinking about it this situation actually happened twice in the beginning of our realtionship... the second time it was a girl we both knew, but not well :( 
  
  It just bothers me that he's against me the minute I say her name, he doesn't listen to what I have to say.  It's frustrating.  I don't bring her up because I don't want to start an argument, except recently when she sent both of us this email.  He hadn't even read the email, but when I asked if he got it, he got defensive... before I even said anything.  I think I will bring up the counciling thing...

  

  Report0 Reply
• jenn&chad member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_getting-along-w-fsil-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:98fce236-3a9c-4822-9d9c-a1c2d7afb074Post:9ae0db7b-8fc8-4b64-8f7a-4e84d179ae30">Re: Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI : Odds are that if you have to ask, it's "serious enough" for a counseling session. There is apparently an issue with communication between you and your FI, which is something that is critical to the success of any relationship. This expands beyong a FSIL issue - what if this sort of reaction happens when dealing with children, pets, spending-decisions, etc.? Tackle it now before you get married.
  Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]
  
  This is what I was thinking and just needed to know I wasn't overreacting.  Thanks :)

  

  Report0 Reply
• jerseydevil member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_getting-along-w-fsil-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:98fce236-3a9c-4822-9d9c-a1c2d7afb074Post:ff190493-e8bd-4559-81d3-3a279ee4685b">Re: Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI : Actually in the beginning of our relationship he had a "friend" who he used to be a little more than friends with and I told him I thought she was trying to get back together, he defended her and finally she hit on him when we were all hanging out together and he realized I was right.  Now that I'm thinking about it this situation actually happened twice in the beginning of our realtionship... the second time it was a girl we both knew, but not well :(  It just bothers me that he's against me the minute I say her name, he doesn't listen to what I have to say.  It's frustrating.  I don't bring her up because I don't want to start an argument, except recently when she sent both of us this email.  He hadn't even read the email, but when I asked if he got it, he got defensive... before I even said anything.  I think I will bring up the counciling thing...
  Posted by jenn&chad[/QUOTE]
  
  Sounds like you have some trust issues to sort out. Didn't realize the yoga sex video was to both of you - that would make me upset, too! Definitely crossed a boundary, IMO. Though I'm sure others will disagree.
  
  My ex was very much like that, so I know exactly where you are coming from here and how you must feel. I hope you and him  can sort things out!

  Report0 Reply
• jenn&chad member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_getting-along-w-fsil-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:98fce236-3a9c-4822-9d9c-a1c2d7afb074Post:4027c1de-5d9f-40dd-94e3-21e99d90e495">Re: Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI : Sounds like you have some trust issues to sort out. Didn't realize the yoga sex video was to both of you - that would make me upset, too! Definitely crossed a boundary, IMO. Though I'm sure others will disagree. My ex was very much like that, so I know exactly where you are coming from here and how you must feel. I hope you and him  can sort things out!
  Posted by jerseydevil[/QUOTE]
  
  I completely trust him.  I know that if some girl hits on him, he'll politely inform her that he's not interested.  We've both had people hit on us and that's how we respond.  I just wish that when I tell him things, he listened before fiercely defending the other person.  I don't expect him to always agree with me, just to listen to me.  I know we'll sort it out, we've moved across the country together, we've dealt with death of loved ones, we can work this out! :)
  
  And to be fair the video was a sexologist talking about her yoga sex classes, not people actually having sex.  I still thought it was inappropriate and presumptuous of her to assume we need help in that department! 

  

  Report0 Reply
• eviltwin13 member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  Why does he feel the need to automatically defend the other person? Does he realize that this is a pattern? It may be that he thinks you're overly critical or suspicious, and is trying to counteract that by pointing out all the ways you could be incorrect. Or he may just have an intense dislike for conflict. Or something else - but counseling would help you figure that out.

  

  Report0 Reply
• FutureJilliannD member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  My opinion is that you seem to be overreacting when it comes to her. Yes I would think it was weird, but more in a haha look at this crazy thing FSIL sent way. I'm guessing he probably thinks that you overreact to the things she does as well. I mean, if someone complained to me that one of my friends laughed too loud I would think they were being a little petty.
  
  As far as the girl hitting on him thing, guys often don't notice that. I wouldn't think that he was trying to keep something from you or whatever.

  -This is not legal advice-

  Report0 Reply
• jenn&chad member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_getting-along-w-fsil-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:98fce236-3a9c-4822-9d9c-a1c2d7afb074Post:40f055b8-dbee-4fa4-98c1-2f2fc19259f7">Re: Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI</a>:
  [QUOTE]My opinion is that you seem to be overreacting when it comes to her. Yes I would think it was weird, but more in a haha look at this crazy thing FSIL sent way. I'm guessing he probably thinks that you overreact to the things she does as well. I mean, if someone complained to me that one of my friends laughed too loud I would think they were being a little petty. As far as the girl hitting on him thing, guys often don't notice that. I wouldn't think that he was trying to keep something from you or whatever.
  Posted by FutureJilliannD[/QUOTE]
  
  Her loud laugh is not as obnoxious as her general insincerity.  The reason I was upset at the email is that I found it insulting that she obviously thinks we need help in the sex department!  Maybe she didn't mean it that way when she sent it...  ok it doesn't help that last year we shared a hotel room with FSIL and FBIL (they insisted because they wanted to save money) and they kept me up all night loudly having sex.  And they KNEW I was awake!  I got up several times, turned on the TV etc.  FI can sleep through anything, I couldn't wake him up.  It was the most frustrating, awkward thing ever.  And so rude.  Like come on, you people are over 30, not 16!  Maybe as a result of this sex is a sensitive topic with me and them. 
  
  I didn't think he was trying to keep anything from me at all.  I completely trust him.  I agree that that was the case and he just didn't notice they were interested in him. 

  

  Report0 Reply
• blahblah85

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_getting-along-w-fsil-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:98fce236-3a9c-4822-9d9c-a1c2d7afb074Post:a19a35cf-71d4-4eca-a448-1e49c281078f">Re: Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI : Her loud laugh is not as obnoxious as her general insincerity.  The reason I was upset at the email is that I found it insulting that she obviously thinks we need help in the sex department!  Maybe she didn't mean it that way when she sent it...  <strong>ok it doesn't help that last year we shared a hotel room with FSIL and FBIL (they insisted because they wanted to save money) and they kept me up all night loudly having sex.</strong>  And they KNEW I was awake!  I got up several times, turned on the TV etc.  FI can sleep through anything, I couldn't wake him up.  It was the most frustrating, awkward thing ever.  And so rude.  Like come on, you people are over 30, not 16!  Maybe as a result of this sex is a sensitive topic with me and them.  I didn't think he was trying to keep anything from me at all.  I completely trust him.  I agree that that was the case and he just didn't notice they were interested in him. 
  Posted by jenn&chad[/QUOTE]
  
  How trashy.  Does FI know this, and is still defending her?

  

  Report0 Reply
• jenn&chad member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_getting-along-w-fsil-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:98fce236-3a9c-4822-9d9c-a1c2d7afb074Post:5e09c3eb-6b4e-489b-b41d-163340e3c126">Re: Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting Along w/ FSIL... and FI : How trashy.  Does FI know this, and is still defending her?
  Posted by blahblah85[/QUOTE]
  
  He knows, he was surprised because being inconsiderate is very unusual for his brother.  FI said it was probably because they were in their excited, can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other early phase in the relationship.  I think if their noise kept HIM awake he would have been a lot more bothered about it. 
  
  He defends her because he thinks I didn't give her a fair chance and don't have any reason to dislike her.  Maybe he's right and I should give her another chance.  Either way it's the fact that he doesn't listen to me in those situations that makes me think maybe a session of couples councilling before the wedding might help.  Or maybe we just need to talk about it.  Maybe we can agree that he'll try to hear me out before responding and I'll try to give FSIL another chance and try not to be negative when she emails or calls...
  
  Just posting here has really helped me get some perspective on this... thanks guys! :)

  

  Report0 Reply
• bstent member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  Everyone doesn't have to like everyone, some people just rub us the wrong way for no major reason, and you don't have to be best friends with her. Unfortunately, she is family and you do have to get along with her (although it sounds like you already know that and that you make an effort to be nice). Be grateful that she doesn't live nearby!

  What I see as the biggest issue is that you don't feel like FI is "on your side" in this situation. Am I getting that right? It is important that the two of you are a united front and have each other's backs. This is somewhat of a trivial situation but may be an indicator of a larger issue, especially if there is a bit of a pattern. Counselling will either not change anything or it will improve things, I don't think it can hurt, so why not give it a try? You might both learn something about the way you communicate and how you can improve it. If you (or he) don't want to do counselling you can try to talk it out on your own. When you're dealing with a conflict try to use "I" language instead of "you" language (ex. when ____ happens, I feel like ____), which takes the blaming out of the statement and helps to prevent the other person feeling attacked and putting up walls. Avoid saying "always" "never", any absolutes. And ask open-ended questions so he can't just say "yes" or "no", like you could ask, "What goes through your mind when I bring up FSIL's name?" to try to understand why he reacts the way he does

  Report0 Reply
• PinkGold&Roses

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  OP, my FI and I our doing pre-marital counseling with his pastor and it is really really good.  I honestly don't know why people don't want to do it because it forces you to talk a lot about issues like In-laws, finances, intimacy, communication, etc, that you might not necessarily discuss on your own.  I really like it..its like going to counseling, our pastor is not judgmental and is really cool.  So you may want to consider something like that so that you can talk about in-laws with someone else offering insight, etc.

  Report0 Reply
• jenn&chad member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Thanks so much bstent and PinkGold!!  I think we will be doing some pre-wedding counciling because you're right, it can only help us.  And good communication is so important.  bstent: thanks for the helpful pointers, it makes sense to approach talking about a sensitive issue that way. 

  

  Report0 Reply