A little help, fellow brides??

BarbaraG13 · April 2012

Okay, here's what I'm stressing about right now...

          We're paying for our own wedding. (It's not a first wedding for either of us, and neither of us have had the wedding we really wanted with our firsts.)

            We both have children from our previous marriages, and his family is out of state, while mine is here. Since his family wasn't at his wedding before (it was a quick JOP deal at the courthouse) he wants to fly them in from home for the big day. I am fine with all this, and we have a year to plan and pay for the airfare, accomodations, etc.

             My parents, however, are insisting that it's stupid to plan a pay for a big wedding when both of us have already been married, and that we should just save the money and go to the JOP or Vegas. (?!?!?!?!) I'm kind of saddened (and a bit shocked) that my own family would have this reaction - especially when they don't have to do anything but show up! It's not like it's a huge affair anyway. About a hundred people, outdoor venue for the ceremony, pretty Victorian house for the small reception with music, appetizers, salads, and desserts.

            And, my mom keeps telling me "he doesn't really care about the wedding, anyway. He's only doing it because he thinks it's what you want."  She's also said it's ridiculous of me to buy a wedding dress or want to have the kids in certain colors, or to have bridesmaids or anything...??? She also keeps saying we should just go get married and get it done and over with so that she can stop thinking of me as his "live in whore".... seriously! If this woman wasn't my mother, I wouldn't associate with her!

I got worried that this wasn't something he was doing to make him happy too, so I talked to him about it, and he assures me he wants his family here too and to have the wedding we've talked about.

Anyway - I guess my question to you ladies is, how would you deal with this if it were your mother?

Mrs.B6302007 · April 2012

Tell her it's your money, your wedding, your business.

adamar15 · April 2012

Your mother needs to shut her fucking mouth. I would immediately leave the next time she calls you a "live in whore." Stop talking about wedding plans with your mother so she can't criticize anything else.

MyUserName1 · April 2012

Yeah, cut your mom out of your wedding planning entirely. Send her an invitation and leave it at that.

She's clearly got issues.

ashbleyj · April 2012

Clearly your mother doesn't understand the importance of the event to you or your FI. I would take the advice of the other ladies and give her only information she needs to know. Negative people do nothing but bring you down, even if they are your family members. Keep your chin up and think about how wonderfully happy you will be on the very special day you've planned with your FI. Share your stress and anxiety about the event with a close GF or your MOH and forget about trying to include someone who doesn't value your wishes. Good luck to you both!

ahhhitsshannyn · April 2012

I think your mom is being an asshole. I say don't talk to her about weddings, and if it were me, I would limit how much I would talk to her at all.

BarbaraG13 · April 2012

OH, girls! Thank you for your quick responses!
You all made me feel better already. It's so nice to have brides on my side!

I'm going to go with the "need to know basis" idea in regards to my mom. Great idea, girls!

I'm so lucky that my FI lets it all roll off his back. He says, "I'm marrying you - not your mother. Don't worry. It's our day, not hers."

Thanks, my fellow "Knotties" - hugs & best wishes to all of you!

DelBride2012 · April 2012

While I do think your mom is being a HUGE jerk and unsupportive and awful, there was a time when a big wedding for a second marriage was considered in poor taste, so I can sort of understand the pressure to get you to scale it down. Not that you should, but I can see how there could be a generational gap at play.

BarbaraG13 · April 2012

Yeah, I guess I can see that too... but the remarks and insults are just too much. ugh!

Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-little-help-fellow-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1eb8ad2-f4b8-4d3d-8b90-75eaa3956c4dPost:97c7aaa0-f5b3-4884-aaca-8524c1cd9300">Re: A little help, fellow brides??</a>:
[QUOTE]While I do think your mom is being a HUGE jerk and unsupportive and awful, there was a time when a big wedding for a second marriage was considered in poor taste, so I can sort of understand the pressure to get you to scale it down. Not that you should, but I can see how there could be a generational gap at play.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]

divinemsbee · April 2012

While I think your mom has many many issues from what you've said, I've gotten several "why don't you just go ahead and get married" comments from family and friends. And this is my first marriage and wedding. I know it's disheartening to hear that the people you so want to celebrate with you don't really care one way or the other, or would prefer you just get it over with. I think it's just how some people think. It's not right, but just keep her out of it.

DelBride2012 · April 2012

While I in no way want to excuse her behavior, it might help to see it from her perspective (if I'm guessing what that is correctly). Any maybe next time she comments just say, "this is how people do things these days, including us" or something else pat.

Kristin789 · April 2012

If you get married in town, your mom will be obligated to invite those women who have been whispering behind her back about her daughter, and how the daughter was already married once, and now she's having a 100-person big wedding with bridesmaids and kids and everything.

If you get married JOP or Vegas, she doesn't have to deal with the women at all, except correct them, starting the week after the wedding, by saying, "Oh no they are NOT doing that. They got MARRIED. They are MARRIED now."

I think you need to love your mother MORE. A wedding is a huge statement by the family to the community, and your mother knows that everyone knows your situation right now.

bonge · April 2012

Next time she says something just say "i'm sorry you feel that way mother, yes this is both of ours 2nd wedding but our 1st to EACH OTHER, therefore it is important to us & i would appreciate it if you kept your negativity to yourself" then i would walk away.

Melissa.hylton · April 2012

It sounds like your mother is the one with the problem with marriage. So since you have been married before means you are punished and cant have a wedding you want. Who cares if your FI does or does not want what your mother assumes. I stopped telling my family all my wedding details just for this reason. I dont need tim bob mary sue sara and becky telling me what to do with my own money. I will spend it the way i want and they dont need to worry about it. Get a big dress, have bridesmaids, and tell your mom to piss off! Btw I have a child from a previous relationship and my FI have a 1 yr old together. My children will be apart of it. My son is actually the one giving me away.

mkrupar · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-little-help-fellow-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1eb8ad2-f4b8-4d3d-8b90-75eaa3956c4dPost:8645489e-e12a-4c9a-899b-a8dd709b772c">Re: A little help, fellow brides??</a>:
[QUOTE]If you get married in town, your mom will be obligated to invite those women who have been whispering behind her back about her daughter, and how the daughter was already married once, and now she's having a 100-person big wedding with bridesmaids and kids and everything. If you get married JOP or Vegas, she doesn't have to deal with the women at all, except correct them, starting the week after the wedding, by saying, "Oh no they are NOT doing that. They got MARRIED. They are MARRIED now." I think you need to love your mother MORE. A wedding is a huge statement by the family to the community, and your mother knows that everyone knows your situation right now.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Oh Kristin. You had some great posts last week, and now we're back to this.

Her mother ISN'T obligated to invite anyone.

Her mother ISN'T paying for anything.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT HER MOTHER.

Why should she love a woman MORE who calls her a "live in whore"?

I guarantee you, in this day and age, no one gives a fluck about second weddings and their size. It's just not frowned upon if someone doesn't just JOP and has a party with friends and loved ones. Her mother should support her regardless of how SHE things it makes HER look. Again, it's NOT ABOUT HER MOTHER.

OP, I did do a little side eye however at you saying a 100 person wedding is small. It isn't. That's a large wedding. While not 300 people, it's also not 25 or 50 people. That I would consider a small affair. 100 people though? Large.

Oh and check out the Second Weddings board. I'm sure there's ladies over there that have been in your shoes and would be a great help to you.

krizzo17 · April 2012

OP, it sounds like you have a beautiful wedding planned. Enjoy it

A little help, fellow brides??

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