Wedding Woes

Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please

My maid of honor is in the theatre field so she is always busy on nights and weekends, therefor it is nearly impossible to get her to a fitting or appointment. I went with 3 other girls from a size 0-14 and tried on dresses. We picked one we thought would be flattering on all sizes, flowy, empire waisted and long... after 4 girls ordered.. my maid of honor saw the dress and said it doesn't look good on "fat girls" like her and if I insisted on setting her up for humiliation she would not wear that dress. What do I do? Do I give her her way and let her pick her own dress and be differnet from the other 5 or do I take her offer to let her step aside and not be in the wedding? We have been friends for `18 years but definitely drifted in the past. I was her maid of honor and received a paper with a picture of the bridesmaids dress chosen and bought it, no questions asked/. $182 later and 3 years later she STILL doesn't know I hate that dress. Did I mention she went on facebook and complained that she was going to have to pay a fair amount of money to look like a whale for a bridesmaids dress? What do i do?~!!??!
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Re: Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:27bbb3ff-f3eb-45fd-8499-10ca4dc9cfe2">Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]My maid of honor is in the theatre field so she is always busy on nights and weekends, therefor it is nearly impossible to get her to a fitting or appointment. I went with 3 other girls from a size 0-14 and tried on dresses. We picked one we thought would be flattering on all sizes, flowy, empire waisted and long... after 4 girls ordered.. my maid of honor saw the dress and said it doesn't look good on "fat girls" like her and if I insisted on setting her up for humiliation she would not wear that dress. What do I do? Do I give her her way and let her pick her own dress and be differnet from the other 5 or do I take her offer to let her step aside and not be in the wedding? We have been friends for `18 years but definitely drifted in the past. I was her maid of honor and received a paper with a picture of the bridesmaids dress chosen and bought it, no questions asked/. $182 later and 3 years later she STILL doesn't know I hate that dress. Did I mention she went on facebook and complained that she was going to have to pay a fair amount of money to look like a whale for a bridesmaids dress? What do i do?~!!??!
    Posted by JewelsLCJS[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I wish people would stop trying to justify their decisions for us and just say, "Here's my situation, I want validation for this decision, yes/no".</div><div>
    </div><div>It sounds like you want to tell her that it's alright for her to step aside if she doesn't want to wear the chosen dress.  Then do it, tell her you'll look forward to seeing her as a guest.  Maybe since she's in theatre, she might enjoy doing a reading or a song so that you can still enjoy her involvement.  </div><div>
    </div><div>All of that is okay.  It doesn't need justification.  You picked a dress, she doesn't want to wear it and would rather not be in the wedding if she has to. Sounds like she decided what she is going to do, you know what you want to do, do it and move along.  FWIW, I can't imagine telling a bride that I didn't like her dress choice, but that's me.</div><div>
    </div><div>Just don't have a MOH now ("upgrading" one of the other girls will seem petty).

    </div>
  • I also don't understand picking out one style of dress for different body types. They usually don't flatter everyone, and one girl looks stuffed in some strapless number.

    Not a friend move, for sure.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:9c5651c2-b7d1-4fe9-999a-793080dd716f">Re: Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please : I wish people would stop trying to justify their decisions for us and just say, "Here's my situation, I want validation for this decision, yes/no". It sounds like you want to tell her that it's alright for her to step aside if she doesn't want to wear the chosen dress.  Then do it, tell her you'll look forward to seeing her as a guest.  Maybe since she's in theatre, she might enjoy doing a reading or a song so that you can still enjoy her involvement.   All of that is okay.  It doesn't need justification.  <strong>You picked a dress, she doesn't want to wear it and would rather not be in the wedding if she has to. Sounds like she decided what she is going to do, you know what you want to do, do it and move along.</strong>  FWIW, I can't imagine telling a bride that I didn't like her dress choice, but that's me. Just don't have a MOH now ("upgrading" one of the other girls will seem petty).
    Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]


    This is NOT okay- Unless you are ready to end your friendship you CANNOT kick her out- not only is it rude, it's petty. You should have showed her the dress before your other girls ordered it.
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  • She's not kicking her out.  OP stated that this woman has said if the bride wants that dress for her wedding party, she'd rather not be in the wedding.

    I don't get this.  At some point, the wedding is suppose to actually be about the bride and groom and their wants, not all the damn wedding party and guests.  Sure, be nice and don't inconvenience them, but 4 OTHER WOMEN were fine with this dress.  If it was so important to this woman to have dress choice, she should've made time.
  • In response - I know not everyone looks good in teh same dress - there is frankly no way for that to happen - I did my best to come up with a dress... My MOH told me "I will wear WHATEVER YOU WANT - just tell me what to wear and I'll wear it" She also said that to my mother and the other bridesmaids. I sent out MASS emails to ALL 6 girls saying "these 4 dresses are the ones I am looking at" - I set 3 different appointments, she could not attend any of them. Unfortunately due to a death in my fiance's family it got pushed back even further to the point we HAVE to order THIS WEEK - 

    For the record - she never even tried on this dress.... she said she knows her body and knows it will accentuate what she doens't want accentuated - and that I'm obviously setting her up to be the joke of the wedding.... 

    5 other girls from a 00 to a 16 bought the dress with no problem. 
  • It really isn't about the dress... if she would have come to me and said "this really doesn't look that good on me, maybe we could do a shawl or you and I could go look together" but she didn't. Insted she posted to ALL of Facebook that I was going to make her look like a whale and pay for it  - then when I told her I would rather talk about this privately she posted AGAIN on facebook saying that I was trying to make her a joke. I think THAT is my problem. NOT that she feels like the dress is bad, but the way she is bullying me for it.

    In other news- she is also going through a divorce and has yelled at me and told me I was doind everything in my wedding wrong from day one.. saying she was just trying to keep me from making the same mistakes she did.
  • In Response to Re:Maid of Honor Troubles Advice Please:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor Troubles Advice Please:In Response to Maid of Honor Troubles Advice Please : I wish people would stop trying to justify their decisions for us and just say, "Here's my situation, I want validation for this decision, yes/no". It sounds like you want to tell her that it's alright for her to step aside if she doesn't want to wear the chosen dress. nbsp;Then do it, tell her you'll look forward to seeing her as a guest. nbsp;Maybe since she's in theatre, she might enjoy doing a reading or a song so that you can still enjoy her involvement. nbsp; All of that is okay. nbsp;It doesn't need justification. nbsp;You picked a dress, she doesn't want to wear it and would rather not be in the wedding if she has to. Sounds like she decided what she is going to do, you know what you want to do, do it and move along. nbsp;FWIW, I can't imagine telling a bride that I didn't like her dress choice, but that's me. Just don't have a MOH now "upgrading" one of the other girls will seem petty.Posted by VarunaTTThis is NOT okay Unless you are ready to end your friendship you CANNOT kick her out not only is it rude, it's petty. You should have showed her the dress before your other girls ordered it. Posted by brittany634[/QUOTE]

    Omg reading comprehension is your friend. No one said kick her out. Maybe stop kissing ss for five minutes and READ a post before commenting on it.
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  • I want to see the dress
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  • em,I looked at her bio to see if she had it marked. I wanted to see it too.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:814a3fc8-3d4b-462d-b2d4-524366637187">Re:Maid of Honor Troubles Advice Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Maid of Honor Troubles Advice Please: Omg reading comprehension is your friend. No one said kick her out. Maybe stop kissing ss for five minutes and READ a post before commenting on it.
    Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

    Aren't We rude, actually I was responding to someone elses post saying it was OK to do this, maybe you should learn to read?
    image
  • here it is, don't know why it is sideways - looks fine on computer 
  • come on now -- it doesn't matter if you guys like the dress, either.  moh doesn't like the dress and that's that.

    however, her unwillingness to work with the bride by offering other solutions like "can i get a different dress is same fabric and color" or the bride's unwillingness to entertain other solutions that makes me think that these two idiots are not cut out to be friends with each other.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:9ae77441-8919-4b1a-9e6a-e4cb2d0dd246">Re: Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]come on now -- it doesn't matter if you guys like the dress, either.  moh doesn't like the dress and that's that. however, her unwillingness to work with the bride by offering other solutions like "can i get a different dress is same fabric and color" or the bride's unwillingness to entertain other solutions that makes me think that these two idiots are not cut out to be friends with each other.
    Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

    haha.
    image
  • edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:9ae77441-8919-4b1a-9e6a-e4cb2d0dd246">Re: Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]come on now -- it doesn't matter if you guys like the dress, either.  moh doesn't like the dress and that's that. however, her unwillingness to work with the bride by offering other solutions like "can i get a different dress is same fabric and color" or the bride's unwillingness to entertain other solutions that makes me think that these two idiots are not cut out to be friends with each other.
    Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

    <div>Wow. Really? I have never posted on here before and honestly now I wonder why I did. Calling people idiots? I was asking what I thought were fellow brides that have had similar situations for advice... not to be berated?</div>
  • I just wanted to see if it had feathers or something really glaringly egregious, HMo.

    I don't see why bride should have to work with BM.  This board parrots all the time that a BM job is only to show up and wear the dress.  Well this woman doesn't even want to wear the dress, so show up as a guest.  Especially since it sounds to me like woman issued an ultimatum out of the gate.  If all OP says is true, it sounds like BM is an AW and would rather whine on FB than work with anyone.
  • Also...glaringly egregious.  Hm...I think I just repeated myself.

    yep, I did.
  • sorry. 

    anyhoo -- you said it's not about the dress.  it's about the FACEBOOK BULLYING.  please talk to her and tell her what you wrote here.  do not tell her that 4 other girls + the internets like the dress (because -- remember? -- it's not about the dress).

    or if she really is your bestie 4eva, you two can go out for frosty cold chocolate milkshakes and talk about your feelings and then braid each other's hair and offer each other adult options to resolve your issues about the dress and the facebook bullying.
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  • edited October 2012
    I think you're problem is going to be solved by the end of the week. She isn't going to order the dress, and you aren't going to order it for her, so problem solved.
    image
  • In Response to Re:Maid of Honor Troubles Advice Please:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Maid of Honor Troubles Advice Please:In Response to Re:Maid of Honor Troubles Advice Please: Omg reading comprehension is your friend. No one said kick her out. Maybe stop kissing ss for five minutes and READ a post before commenting on it.Posted by allychaseAren't We rude, actually I was responding to someone elses post saying it was OK to do this, maybe you should learn to read? Posted by brittany634[/QUOTE]

    The only time to "kick out a bridesmaid" is when they refuse to buy a dress. Thats what this BM is doing. You tell them when to get it and if they don't buy it at that point they aren't in the bridal party. If they want to be a reader, like PP suggested, that's fine, no financial commitment to a dress.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:0212a976-ebeb-4b04-a23c-b8235024ccae">Re: Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]sorry.  anyhoo -- you said it's not about the dress.  it's about the FACEBOOK BULLYING.  please talk to her and tell her what you wrote here.  do not tell her that 4 other girls + the internets like the dress (because -- remember? -- it's not about the dress). or if she really is your bestie 4eva, you two can go out for frosty cold chocolate milkshakes and talk about your feelings and then braid each other's hair and offer each other adult options to resolve your issues about the dress and the facebook bullying.
    Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

    <div>I did telll her the facebook bullying instead of coming and talking to me, we are 30, was upsetting. And her response was she can post whatever she wants on facebook, it's how she feels.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:c0374012-fe6d-4280-8a5f-438c6c33dadc">Re: Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just wanted to see if it had feathers or something really glaringly egregious, HMo. I don't see why bride should have to work with BM.  This board parrots all the time that a BM job is only to show up and wear the dress.  Well this woman doesn't even want to wear the dress, so show up as a guest.  Especially since it sounds to me like woman issued an ultimatum out of the gate.  If all OP says is true, it sounds like BM is an AW and would rather whine on FB than work with anyone.
    Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

    <div>Sorry I don't understand all the anagrams. HMO? Honestly - is the dress that terrible? I tried to keep it pretty tame.</div>
  • [QUOTE}The only time to "kick out a bridesmaid" is when they refuse to buy a dress. Thats what this BM is doing. You tell them when to get it and if they don't buy it at that point they aren't in the bridal party. If they want to be a reader, like PP suggested, that's fine, no financial commitment to a dress.
    Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

    i hope theknot shop sells this on a shirt.
    image
  • I mean the point too is she never even tried it on!!! I don't see how it could be that bad! 
  • jewel -- it does not matter what we think of the dress.  you like and the other people wearing it like it, so that's that.

    no offense, but your friend doesn't sound 30.  she kind of sounds like she sucks.

    fyi -- HMO = me.
    image
  • HMO is HMonkey's handle, I just didn't type the whole thing.  I was responding to her.

    It's not tangerine, hot pink or terribly short.  I was hoping for something that Raven wouldn't be caught dead in, then we could mock you.  

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:e63992bd-80a1-4fee-9df3-5d812613707e">Re: Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]HMO is HMonkey's handle, I just didn't type the whole thing.  I was responding to her. It's not tangerine, hot pink or terribly short.  I was hoping for something that Raven wouldn't be caught dead in, then we could mock you.  
    Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

    <div>LOL - that's the only color they had in store - the dress will actually be royal blue.  </div><div>
    </div><div>It's also hard because none of my other friend's are big fans of hers and my parents aren't either. She is often times a bully. but she has been there for me throughout the years.... </div><div>
    </div><div>I know it may be silly.. but I have always liked things coordinated and matching... and isn't this the one day I can be a brat about it? I just am shocked that she flat out refused.</div><div>
    </div><div>but am I the bridezilla if I say well then step down?</div>
  • you can certainly give her that option.

    would you be willing to let her pick out her own dress in the same fabric and color? if she can't do that in time, tell her that she is welcome to step down.
    image
  • She's probably going to spin it as you being a brat and bridezilla, yes.  So, just handle it. 

    What I would do is tell her you're sorry she doesn't like the dress, but you'd like everyone to be matching.  Would she like a shawl to make her feel more comfortable (I'm assuming the neckline is the issue).  What other changes would she suggest?  You'll need to know by X date b/c that is the deadline for ordering any accessories and the other girls who have already ordered will need to know.

    If she has no other suggestions, ask her what she would like to do and sit and wait.  That deadline will pass and she'll drop out.  Being polite and passive agressive will keep most of the damage off of you at least.  Then invite her to the wedding as a guest or offer reading/song if you still want her involvement.  Don't offer guest book attendant or any crappy job like that.

    Also, don't call it being a brat or bridezilla.  It's your wedding, this is what you want.  You've offered other suggestions and options and I'm sorry that we weren't able to make it work.
  • You are not a bridezilla actually.  Your friend is just acting a fool. 

    "I can post whatever I want on fb!".  Really?

    Because I'm pretty sure I've had more mature conversations with my nieces and nephews...who are 12 and 15.
    image
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