Wedding mom troubles (long)

pinklebabe · March 2010

Hey all!

I have been engaged a little over a year now and am getting married in Decemeber. I am 20 now, but will be 21 when I get married, my fiance will be 22. We have been together 4 and a half years and have never broken up. (Could be good or bad

).

My mother has never liked my fiance since I began to date him. It's not that she dislikes him as a person, he has never hurt me and been nothing but respectful and nice to her. He is driven and always works hard and is really smart and funny, with plans to become a lutheran pastor. (He previously was going to be an engineer and was very successful at it, but now finds he wants to go on a different path -- /> mother still wasn't happy when he was going to make a lot of money) Anway, She just thinks he "trapped" me into dating him for whatever reasons. She says he pursued me with a vengance. I honestly think she just didn't like how serious we have always been. He was my bestfriend before we got together, so we have always been very compatible and maybe she knew it would be long lasting.

Anyway, my mother got married young (18) and completely regrets it although she has been married for 28 years to my dad. I think she feels she missed out on life, but I don't think she has, just lived a different life. I feel I can still do what I want, but just experience it with my fiance and do things a little differently than I might of if I were single. I would never leave him, even if we weren't getting married, so it really wouldn't matter if we were married or not, I still base my decisions on our relationship.

It's been hard being engaged when you feel like your forcing your mom to come along and that she hates your fiance. I am at the point that it's hard to have a relationship with her. I know she thinks I am dumb and naieve, but she raised me, I have learned a lot of great qualities from her and I wish she could trust my decision. I get her concerns and did for a very long time, but my wedding is in 8 months and I don't even feel like she wants to go. (She's even said before she didn't want to go). It's been a year and I want her to be happy now. My feelings have been really hurt, I thought we had a better relationship than this and am ready for her to be happy because I am happy, but she won't. I have no idea what to do! It's making my wedding day become a complacent event, making it even hard for me to be excited and talk about it. I wish she could just be happy and not dislike him just because she thinks he stole me away in so many words.

I have no idea what to do, but I am torn up inside. Anyway been though this and made it out to the other side?

nefariousmango · March 2010

Have you talked to your mom about why she is not excited for the wedding? You have a lot of speculations, but it sounds like you may not have actually had a conversation with her about WHY she thinks your FI is not right for you or this is not the right time to be married. Try to keep her on topic- so if she says "he pursued you too agressively at first" then try to bring it back to how he is NOW- how he treats you, how he plans to support you (you support yourselves, really), and how he is there for you when you need him.

I'm honestly getting some red flags from this post, though. I think you may need to really open up to your mom about your FI and be willing to listen to what she has to say in return before you move forward with your wedding.

ncm1026 · March 2010

I have been through something very similar to this. My parents like my fiance, but when we got engaged they thought we were too young (I was 21 and he was 22) so they were not supportive at all. In fact, when I would mention something about a wedding, they would say, "you have plenty of time to get married, we'll talk about it in a couple of years." ...What?!
I finally just had to sit them down and MAKE them listen to exactly what I had to say, and told them how i felt and what I wanted. That was hard for me, because we never really had an open relationship like that. But, after they understood that I was really happy, they finally came around, and now they are very supportive. My mom and I are actually a lot closer now, too.
All I can say is that you have to be really open. I realized that if I am adult enough to get married, I should be adult enough to have a mature, open relationship with my parents.

MyNameIsNot · March 2010

Most people I know that got married young regretted it, regardless of whether or not the marriage survived. Your mom knows what all these other women know, that rushing into marriage is not smart, and there is no reason to do it now.

Your mom knows you and she only wants the best for you. Since you are so young, why not put it off a few years. If this guy is the right one, he'll still be there when you're older and wiser, and you'll be so much more prepared to make such a long term commitment. Your mom is just trying to help you avoid making the life mistakes she did, and waking up one day in 10 years feeling like you threw your youth away.

[Deleted User] · April 2010

I do agree that is a little young to get married. Your Mom just wants what is best for you. What is the rush? Why don't you considering waiting a few years? If he is the one, then everything will be fine. That way you can still be engaged and enjoy your fun and freedom.

Your life does change when you get married, let's face it, it is a big life committment. I would just take a step back and do some thinking/praying/soul searching before you go further. And just bc you haven't breaken up doesn't mean your marriage is going to work. There are so many more factors that come into play in a marriage than that and you have to be ready for them. And/or you can always talk to your pastor or a counselor about what you are going through.

Wedding mom troubles (long)

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