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Challenging mom who doesn't care what I think

Pumpkin1530Pumpkin1530 member
First Comment First Anniversary
in Moms and Maids

Background on me & my fiancee -- We both have good, stable jobs and are good, stable people and are over the age of 26.  We are planning on contributing toward our wedding and both sets of parents will as well.

We got engaged and if we'd like my mom to contribute anything monetarily to the wedding, she has insisted that it is in our hometown, instead of where we live now (Chicago).  The two places are an hour & a half away.  She has also insisted on inviting 160 guests of her own although I have expressed a sincere desire for 150-175 person wedding.  To be fair, getting married in Chicago is significantly more expensive than most of the surrounding areas but with everyone contributing a little, we could do it.

My challenges are the following
-if I take money from my mom, each decision I make will be an argument with her if it's not the decision she would make
-if I take money from my mom, my wedding will have at least 225 people and will not be in the city I'd like
-if I don't take money from my mom, my fiancee & I will spend more than originally planned and potentially not be able to afford the wedding we'd like to have
-if I don't take money from my mom & do the wedding in the town I'd like, with a guest list I'd like, she won't want to be involved in any part of it

I'd like my mom to be involved but is it worth sacrificing a year's worth of sanity and what I want to make her happy? 

Thanks for listening cyberspace.

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Re: Challenging mom who doesn't care what I think

  • GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Very simple rule:  Money = Strings.

    I would decline her offer and then just ask her to do things with you as they come up.  My mom is out of town and I made sure that she and I were the only ones who went shopping for my dres.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
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  • dancingthrulifedancingthrulife member
    First Comment
    I'm with PP. This sounds like it will be MUCH easier on your sanity if mom stays out of the picture as far as major planning decisions.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    First Comment
    Yeah, sorry, but if she's fronting a good portion of the money, she definitely gets a say. If you really would prefer to have that money, maybe sit down and talk to her. Can you negotiate "ok, we'll do it at your place but can we cut down the guest list a bit?" or "how about, if you pay less, and we do it in Chicago?"

    if that's not going to work though, and it's really going to ruin your wedding, just pay yourself.
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  • Pumpkin1530Pumpkin1530 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_challenging-mom-who-doesnt-care-what-i-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:38bbe3d4-8601-485d-8af0-d9dae3439f73Post:29e7e7f8-1257-4f4a-9092-51b4252f011f">Re: Challenging mom who doesn't care what I think</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, sorry, but if she's fronting a good portion of the money, she definitely gets a say. If you really would prefer to have that money, maybe sit down and talk to her. Can you negotiate "ok, we'll do it at your place but can we cut down the guest list a bit?" or "how about, if you pay less, and we do it in Chicago?" if that's not going to work though, and it's really going to ruin your wedding, just pay yourself.
    Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]


    She's fronting 1/3 of the cost of the entire wedding with my fiancee and I sharing in 1/3 and his parents sharing 1/3.  His parents aren't asking for much of anything at all.  And we've tried negotiating "cut the guest list but do it at her place", "us pay more and do it in Chicago" and even "we'll keep your guest list & Chicago".  Nothing's worked.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited September 2012
    If they contribute, your parents and his should have a say in the planning of your wedding - if they want a say. Some parents are willing to make a cash gift to the couple and give them carte blanche. But it doesn't sound like your mom is in that category. If it's important to you and fi to have a 150 guest wedding, in Chicago, then you should pay for it and plan it yourselves.



                       
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_challenging-mom-who-doesnt-care-what-i-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:38bbe3d4-8601-485d-8af0-d9dae3439f73Post:b4387c00-b36e-4f13-8e2b-80622790fd1b">Re: Challenging mom who doesn't care what I think</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Challenging mom who doesn't care what I think : She's fronting 1/3 of the cost of the entire wedding with my fiancee and I sharing in 1/3 and his parents sharing 1/3.  His parents aren't asking for much of anything at all.  And we've tried negotiating "cut the guest list but do it at her place", "us pay more and do it in Chicago" and even "we'll keep your guest list & Chicago".  Nothing's worked.
    Posted by Pumpkin1530[/QUOTE]
     
    If each couple is paying 1/3, each should get 1/3 of the guest list. Your mom is already being unreasonable. Turn down her money and plan the wedding you want. Once mom sees you are going to do things your way, she may come around.

    edit - grammar
                       
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_challenging-mom-who-doesnt-care-what-i-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:38bbe3d4-8601-485d-8af0-d9dae3439f73Post:3e51ed8d-ca6e-445e-ba92-768d4bfd66f0">Challenging mom who doesn't care what I think</a>:
    [QUOTE]Background on me & my fiancee -- We both have good, stable jobs and are good, stable people and are over the age of 26.  We are planning on contributing toward our wedding and both sets of parents will as well. We got engaged and<strong> if we'd like my mom to contribute anything monetarily to the wedding</strong>, she has insisted that it is in our hometown, instead of where we live now (Chicago).  The two places are an hour & a half away.  She has also insisted on inviting 160 guests of her own although I have expressed a sincere desire for 150-175 person wedding.  To be fair, getting married in Chicago is significantly more expensive than most of the surrounding areas but with everyone contributing a little, we could do it. My challenges are the following -if I take money from my mom, each decision I make will be an argument with her if it's not the decision she would make -if I take money from my mom, my wedding will have at least 225 people and will not be in the city I'd like -if I don't take money from my mom, my fiancee & I will spend more than originally planned and potentially not be able to afford the wedding we'd like to have -if I don't take money from my mom & do the wedding in the town I'd like, with a guest list I'd like, she won't want to be involved in any part of it I'd like my mom to be involved but is it worth sacrificing a year's worth of sanity and what I want to make her happy?  Thanks for listening cyberspace.
    Posted by Pumpkin1530[/QUOTE]

    Many people around here will tell you that you should never ask for money for you wedding.  There are many couples who pay for the wedding they can afford without their parents money.  You say you are both stable with good jobs.  Why don't you decline your mother's money and push back the wedding an extra 6 months so that you can afford the wedding you want with the guest list you want.
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I'm a MOB and I think you should turn down her money.  She is only footing 1/3 of the bill and wants to call all the shots with no compromise.  Is having her involved REALLY worth the hassle.

    From the other side of the coin, if I was a MOG, putting in 1/3 of the wedding money, I would become rather resentful that MOB is calling all the shots with the couple laying down and doing what MOB wants.  That isn't right towards your FIL's and it isn't right for you guys either.

    Refuse her money and let  your FIL's know you are going to do this and why.  If I were your FMIL I would still offer the money I already promised, but I can see where his parents "may" reconsider their contribution if you are refusing your parents money.

    Is your mom a bully like this all the time?  Is she used to getting her own way and people just lay down and let her do it?

    Having the wedding you want vs dealing with this woman who is demanding way more than she is entitled to isn't worth it in my mind.  I think you will have a much more peaceful wedding with the locations and elements important to you and FI if you refuse her money.  That also means you TELL her how many guests she can invite since you aren't taking her money.

    Good luck with this.  I think you will be miserable all through your wedding planning and the wedding itself if you don't get her out of this.
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  • renegade gauchorenegade gaucho member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    It sounds like you need to tell her thanks, but no thanks.  If you let her control everything because of money, not only will you not have the wedding you want, but you'll be setting a precedent for the future.  You'll basically be telling her that it's okay for her to meddle in your life decisions, and that's not something you want to encourage, especially as a married couple.
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  • theelusive1theelusive1
    First Comment
    edited September 2012
    It appears your mother has already TOLD you if she pays she is inviting who SHE wants. That is your first clue this money comes with strings. We told our daughter our budget for her wedding. That is the money she gets to do with it as she sees fit.  We have no say as in the guest list or the type of food. She asks for info and I give the info I have found, not my opinions. My stance on everything is it is not my wedding. When I am asked by family members who she is inviting or who to invite I say it is not my wedding. Same thing with info I give none it is not my wedding. Our money did not come with strings. Getting money from your mother clearly comes with strings so I would think really long and hard if it is worth it. Do you want a wedding that large? Do you want it in your mothers place?  It is up to you and your FH. 
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  • FluffyGumDrop2FluffyGumDrop2 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Your future in-laws are also contributing a third of the money; what if they hear about all the people your mom wants to invite and they want to invite an equal number? What if they offer to give you a rehearsal dinner and your mom tries to bully the guest list? It seems at some point you're going to have to tell you mom "no" so why not say "no, thank you" now and save yourself some stress. 

    Is the extra money worth the extra headaches that it sounds like will come with your moms money?


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