Maid of Honor quit

Re: Maid of Honor quit

• OBX2011 member

  

  December 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-quit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e0b8139-b5f1-4cfd-b0ce-3f07f64fe5daPost:2b1e077d-b131-4e76-80c0-5e47c6301068">Maid of Honor quit</a>:
  [QUOTE]Due to budgeting and just the desire for a smaller, intimate wedding, my fiance and I chose to only have a maid of honor and best man.  <strong>This is one of the times I regretted that decision since my maid of honor quit.</strong>  I had some issues reaching her for about a week (call, text, email)  Then she sent me an EMAIL to say I needed to find someone closer and that she was dropping out. She said I pretty much had things under control anyways. <strong>I thought that would be a GOOD thing that I didn't need her to be at my beck and call.</strong> She lives about 3 hours away but I had a trip planned to go down there the weekend she quit to work on invitations and dress shop for her. What's worse is that I had included all 3 of her kids in the wedding (flower girl, ring bearer and scripture reading) She didn't specify but I guess the kids are out too.  I am sad.  And frustrated.  <strong>Is it bad that I am questioning inviting her to the wedding at all now?
  </strong>Posted by cwill6212[/QUOTE]
  
  1)  Why do you regret it?  Because she can't afford it?  Hmmmmm, I think something is missing from this post
  
  2)  You are not the Queen of England so no one and I mean absolutely no one, is to be at your beck & call. 
  
  3)  I cannot answer this one until I know why she dropped out?  There has to be more to this story.

   

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• Cynthia1207 member

  

  December 2011

  There has to be a reason why she quit.  Did you try to dig a little deeper?

  

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• froggatt.clare

  

  December 2011

  Um, yeah, OP come back because I'm sure there is more to this story.  Did you ask her why she was quitting?
  
  Were you reaching out to her only as a bridesmaid, about wedding-related things, or was frienship involved?  Is she usually good at responding to messages?
  
  More details please!
  

  

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• cwill6212 member

  

  December 2011

  All the email said was that she felt I needed someone closer.  She is a single mom with 3 kids who works full time and goes to school -- so I TOTALLY get that she has a full plate.  That's why I asked her, in the beginning, if it was too much to ask of her. I think she felt bad that she couldn't always take my calls or that my visits kept getting postponed by football games and cheerleading practices. In a way I think it was a considerate thing that she thought I needed someone who could give more attention?  I tried to look at it that way---but it still hurt my feelings.  I wouldn't have chosen her if I didn't feel like she was the right person.
  
  As for the beck and call commentary-I did not mean that in a "Queen of England" way. I just meant that I am anything but the "Bridezilla" type and I wasn't asking her to come up for every single decision or event.  I just needed her to pick up things that she could manage (like invitations), maybe throw a shower and then have my back on the actual day.  In my mind, I thought I was being understanding about her busy schedule and other priorities.

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• RaptorSLH member

  

  December 2011

  Even helping you with invitations and throwing showers are optional.  If she can't give you those, or can't afford dresses for the while family, etc, but can still be there, would you still want her to be your MOH?  (Hopefully, the answer is yes, and she matters more than all the trappings.)

  
  

  You two need to find a little time to talk and get to the bottom of this.  I agree, there's gotta be something more here than distance alone.

  

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• OBX2011 member

  

  December 2011 edited December 2011

  To answer your original question, as upset as you are and that is understandable, I would still invite her to the wedding.  If you don't, that could potentially cause a lot more hurt on her end and be a possible friendship ending move.
  
  "In a way I think it was a considerate thing that she thought I needed someone who could give more attention?  I tried to look at it that way---but it still hurt my feelings.  I wouldn't have chosen her if I didn't feel like she was the right person"
  
  But it appears that SHE doesn't feel that she is the "right" person for you and that she is trying to be civil in declining the offer.  I really do understand that your feelings are hurt and mine would be too, but be the better person and still invite her to the wedding.  I think you will feel better about this in the end.
  
  FTR, I almost lost a BM 2 weeks before my wedding and she baited me by asking me over and over again "do you not want me in your wedding?" as if she wanted me to be the one to kick her out so she didn't have to be the one that bailed on me.  As upset as I was, I knew it wouldn't be the same without her there.  I would have looked around on my wedding night and realized that one of my closest friends wasn't there and frankly, that made me sad.  I never wanted her out to begin with and told her she was being silly and everything worked itself out.  My point is that I would hate for you to regret this decision later down the road.
  
  I really do hope this works out for you and I still say to invite her

   

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• cwill6212 member

  

  December 2011

  Retread-1st, I LOVE the tag line. Steel Magnolias is still one of my all-time faves. 2nd, my fiance has already been a HUGE help. Alot of men have that "Just tell me where to be" mentality-but he has been very involved. I am SO lucky! Last, I really do want my former MOH at the wedding.  If she feels like she can't commit to the MOH role, I guess I have to understand that.  Thank you for your kind comments.

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• kennazebrowsky

  

  December 2011

  I was a single mom with 2 kids until I met FI and let me tell you it is very hard with multiple kids to do anything. Especially of she doesnt have the ex daddy around to help. I would try to talk to her, help pay for the dress and for the kids wedding atire. Dont expect her to handle anything besides being there for you. I can see why you are upset- Im sure she is too. Just gotta talk it out and meet some where in the middle

  

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• cwill6212 member

  

  December 2011

  @kenna-I have trouble thinking it was a money thing.  I had already offered to help pay for her dress and the kids attire, as well as her hotel accommodations when she came up for the wedding. I honestly think it was more of a "time" thing. She does have a lot going on and perhaps it was running her down going at full speed all the time. Perhaps she needed to use what little "down time" she gets for herself and not focused on me or my wedding. She still said she wanted to be there to share in our day---so hopefully she will be.

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• kennazebrowsky

  

  December 2011

  good luck! I hope she does and I am sure she wants to. A lot of people have issues asking for help when they are juggling things. Either way dont be offended and make sure you dont hold it against her if she cant come.

  

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• staceycaine member

  

  December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-quit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e0b8139-b5f1-4cfd-b0ce-3f07f64fe5daPost:2b1e077d-b131-4e76-80c0-5e47c6301068">Maid of Honor quit</a>:
  [QUOTE]Due to budgeting and just the desire for a smaller, intimate wedding, my fiance and I chose to only have a maid of honor and best man.  This is one of the times I regretted that decision since my maid of honor quit.  I had some issues reaching her for about a week (call, text, email)  Then she sent me an EMAIL to say I needed to find someone closer and that she was dropping out. She said I pretty much had things under control anyways. I thought that would be a GOOD thing that I didn't need her to be at my beck and call. She lives about 3 hours away but I had a trip planned to go down there the weekend she quit to work on invitations and dress shop for her. What's worse is that I had included all 3 of her kids in the wedding (flower girl, ring bearer and scripture reading) She didn't specify but I guess the kids are out too.  I am sad.  And frustrated. <strong> Is it bad that I am questioning inviting her to the wedding at all now?
  </strong>Posted by cwill6212[/QUOTE]
  
  
  Yes. It's very bad. Very bad and kind of retaliatory. Is she your friend or not? If so, then of course you invite her. I don't understand.

  
  

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• mbcdefg member

  

  January 2012 edited January 2012

  I just needed her to pick up things that she could manage (like invitations), maybe throw a shower and then have my back on the actual day. 
  
  You don't "need" her to do either of those things. It's presumptious and greedy to expect someone to throw a party for you, and why the hell should SHE be taking care of YOUR invitations? It's not her wedding.
  
  Get your FI to do the invites if you don't have the time, or hire a planner to help you. And accept whatever shower you may or may not get. You're not entitled to one.
  
  If someone told me, "All I need you to do is throw me a party and do my invitations," I'd be dropping out of her wedding for sure.

  

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• cwill6212 member

  

  January 2012

  @ mbc-I did not tell my MOH to do anything. She VOLUNTEERED to do the invitations.  She enjoys scrapbooking and creative things like that so I didn't mind her lending her expertise for my invitations. And she was the one asking questions about whether I preferred my shower to be in her city or mine. I told her I was more than happy to have them where she lived, since she knew it best. If she could not manage these things, all she had to do was tell me. I am not greedy or presumptious. I am a little taken that you left such a catty message for another person on here. Hopefully people aren't as harsh toward your postings...
  
  @ stacey-I was upset. I was hurt, more than anything. I do want her there. Even if she can't commit to being in the wedding, it's important that she is still there to share in the festivities.

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• cwill6212 member

  

  January 2012

  @ stacey-I was hurt. I was upset. But yes, I definitely want her there. Even if she cannot commit to being in the wedding, she still should be there to share in our special day.
  
  @ mbc-I fully expect to get good and bad feedback by posting on these forums.  But for you to say that I am greedy and presumptious... well, perhaps you should find a mirror on that presuming thing. I am neither of those things. My MOH actually loves to scrapbook and create things so she VOLUNTEERED to do my invitations. And it was my MOH who began asking me questions about where I wanted to have a shower and how many would be invited. If at any time she could not handle those things or needed me to take them back, I would have. Regardless of what you gathered or presumed from my post, I am not a Bridezilla or walking around like some entitled snob. I was simply a bride who was hurt when the person she chose to be her MOH decided she couldn't be. The next time you post for feedback, I hope others aren't as cruel as you were here.

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