prewedding parties, what to do!

lifelovelaugh · September 2010

My fiance and I will be paying for our entire wedding. We will have 4-6 attendants (still thinking it over). We live in Texas and are having our wedding here. His parents live in Washington and mine in California. His dad is the only person in his family that has met me and my mother and brother are the only people that have met my fiance. I was hoping to have an engagment party but I didn't know how to go about getting that taken care of. No one would come out to Texas if we threw one, which we can't really afford to anyways. But it would be offensive to have one in either of the other states and ask for one whole side of the wedding to travel to attend. I have a lot of difficulty asking about financial stuff. I feel like it would be rude to ask his parents and mine to throw seperate engagement parties. Or if anyone even wanted to throw one at all. No one has offered to throw one. How should I bring it up? or should I just drop it and wait until the rehursal dinner to meet everyone? (really don't want to wait, im afraid I'll be overwhelmed) We extended our engagment so we would have more time to pay for our wedding and it's not that I am looking for a hand out but I like tradition. We are going to be paying for everything else (except my FMIL will be helping with the honeymoon.

noodle_oo · September 2010

Doesn't matter if you are paying for your whole wedding yourself. If no one offers to throw you an e-party, you don't get one. Asking for one is incredibly rude.

As others have mentioned, make a separate trip to meet each of your families. The families can meet each other at the rehearsal dinner. Yes, it might be a little stressful for you, but it will be fine. Lots of people do it that way and it isn't that big a deal.

Manwaithiel · September 2010

Just don't throw a party. Host a family get together and be done with it.

jthom001 · September 2010

i have to disagree w/ pp - i think if no-one offers to throw a party FOR you and you want one then do it yourself! i feel like a lot the traditions and etiquette rules are out-dated. throw a celebration, invite the family that should meet and if they come - great and if they don't - they'll meet at the wedding. as far as cost for the party, it doesn't have to be a formal affair (that's what the wedding is for)... backyard bbq or pot-luck. instead of gifts ask people to bring a dish or beer. i realize this might not work for everyone but it's an option to consider.

noodle_oo · September 2010

Throw a party, that is fine. Just don't call it an engagement party. That implies gifts, which is rude to host yourself. Besides which though, I think the OP's problem is that to get the family together requires quite a bit of travel. I think it would be very tough to arrange a pre-wedding family meeting party in which lots of people have to travel. It is much easier for them to just travel to each family individually and then have the respective families meet at the RD since they already traveled for the wedding.

Then again, maybe everyone is willing to travel. You just gotta feel the situation out. Say OP goes to WA and then the other family drives up from CA there to meet as well. In this case, OP could host the party in WA (but she was asking if she should ask the WA family to host that party, which again is rude unless they offer to do it themselves).

marinabreeze · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_prewedding-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8398d3a0-f3a9-4025-9ab4-fe917590984bPost:819925d4-a49d-41df-9bc3-02da72ab8c09">Re: prewedding parties, what to do!</a>:
[QUOTE]i have to disagree w/ pp - i think if no-one offers to throw a party FOR you and you want one then do it yourself! i feel like a lot the traditions and etiquette rules are out-dated. throw a celebration, invite the family that should meet and if they come - great and if they don't - they'll meet at the wedding. as far as cost for the party, it doesn't have to be a formal affair (that's what the wedding is for)... backyard bbq or pot-luck. instead of gifts ask people to bring a dish or beer. i realize this might not work for everyone but it's an option to consider.
Posted by jthom001[/QUOTE]

It's not just an "outdated ettiquette" thing, though. Throwing a party in one's own honor is AWish.

To the OP, considering that the families live in different states, it may be really difficult to get them all together in one place. You and FI may decide to take short trips prior to the wedding to meet other FILs and relatives, but as far as having them meet each other prior to the event, it might be difficult. I'm kind of facing similar prospects in terms of my family and FI's family meeting each other. FI's family is in Cincinnati and mine are in MI, which isn't far except that my mom and FI's dad and grandmother do not have the best circumstances to do much in the way of travel.

Probably your best bet is the RD the day before the wedding. Some people will invite not only the WP and officiant, but OOT guests and/or close family members (like parents). Maybe that could be an option for you.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · September 2010

My parents live in NY, Fi's parents live in MA, and we live in CA. While we've visited each other's families, our parents have yet to meet. FI's parents were going to travel and meet my parents once, but it fell through.

They will be meeting the night before the RD - they just want to go out to dinner together. It's fine. Your families don't have to be best friends, they just have to meet. (I guess - I mean, it would be NICE for them to meet.)

Celles · September 2010

I live in Arizona, my parents live in California, FI lives in Calgary and FI's parents live in Calgary six months out of the year and Arizona six months out of the year. FI has traveled to CA to meet my family and I met his parents while they were wintering in AZ. Our parents have yet to meet each other, and probably won't until the RD. No big deal (although FMIL might disagree!).

The long distance factor means we aren't having an engagement party. This is also no big deal. I'm already asking both families and almost all of our friends to cross state lines and/or international borders for the wedding; I'm not about to ask them to travel for an engagement party!

prewedding parties, what to do!

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