Attire & Accessories Forum

Not wearing my engagement ring? (and a mini-vent)

I asked my fiancée for a small, inexpensive ring (I even said gemstone instead of diamond to cut back on price).  I rarely wear any jewellery, and when I do it's small, delicate pieces. 

He thought he was being generous when he bought me a 3 1/2 carat sapphire with two 1/2 carat diamond baguette.  He spend more than five times what I had told him would suffice.  I know it's his money and the thought that counts and the ring is symbolism for our commitment. It just kills me that we could have had a week in Europe for a piece of jewellery.  It's too big bringht and gaudy for my taste, and it's HEAVY.  I  find myself taking it off whenever I can just because of the discomfort.  I would never tell him any of this.  He spent months custom designing it and I couldn't hurt him like that.

My solution is to tolerate wearing it for a year (six more months now) and then just wear a small plain wedding band once we get married.  We're about to start shopping for bands, and I'm so nervous.  I really am not looking forward to having the conversation  of what band would go with my ring, and that leading me to telling him I'm not going to be wearing the ring.

I would love some gentle phrasing/white lies to help avoid hurting his feelings. 

Re: Not wearing my engagement ring? (and a mini-vent)

  • Do you have pictures of the ring?

    3.5 carats is pretty huge, but I bet it's still gorgeous.

    If it's really so heavy it's causing you discomfort, that might be worth mentioning to him.  That's not about simply having different tastes.  That's more of a legitimate issue that isn't a personal affront.  You should be able to enjoy wearing your ring.
  • It does sound like a big ring.  What's the longest time you've worn it without taking it off?  I ask this because my ring was uncomfortable at first but I wore it for a few months straight without taking it off and I didn't notice it was even on after a while.

    If it still bothers you when it comes time to pick out bands just say that you want your wedding band to be simple so it doesn't upstage your e-ring.

    Hey, you could have worse problems than your ring being too big! 
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  • edited December 2011
    A marriage is not going to work if you can not be honest with him.  You should sit him down and tell him how you feel, I think that is your best option.  He would probabbly be very hurt if you kept it a secret, and then especially hurt if you did not wear the ring and he has no clue why.  Be honest with him, and come up with a solution together.  Don't keep something in order to spare feelings, that is just asking for trouble.



  • Please excuse my rough winter-reddened hands.  IIt is a very pretty ring, it's just a bit much for my usual taste in jewellery.  I can see wearing it for special occasions once in awhile after we're married, but I want a small band for day-to-day wear.

    jagore- when I wear it for even a few hours it starts itching/bothering me.  There's no rash or redness, so I think it's the weight causing irritation, not the metal.  I've never even worn it over night. 
  • meltanne- He would be devastated if I said I wanted to return the ring, and I do appreciate the thought and effort that went into it.  I think the same way I would rather he lied and said he loved my wedding dress if he hated it, some things are better unsaid.  Especially if no real good can come of it. I really don't care much about the enegagement ring, and would be perfectly content with just a wedding band.

    edielaura- to be honest, I don't like it and probably wouldn't want to wear it even if it wasn't uncomfortable.  We got engaged May 8th, so telling him I don't want to wear it at this point would be super awkward (which is probably my fault as well).  He's SO proud of the ring.  He literally mentions how great it is on at least a weekly basis.  I would feel like a total puppy-kicker telling him I want something else.
  • I have mentioned before that it's very heavy and not very comfortable to wear once, when I had it off for an entire Sunday we spent lounging around the house.  That was June. He still makes comments about how "I don't even like the ring because it's too big".  I think maybe my half-hearted attempt at talking about it scared me away from mentioning it again.

    BTW I've had it off for an hour (I'm at work until 10) and its STILL itchy as heck!  I don't think I have any metal allergies (but again, I rarely wear jewellery) and there's no visual signs of irritation.  It is a little loose, maybe I'll see if taking it in to get resized helps?

    Also I like the idea of saying I'm afraid of losing it.  Maybe that and the idea of keeping it for special occasions will be a passable excuse.
  • edited December 2011
    Find pictures of a ring similar to yours combined with a band that you think you would love to wear solo.  Use those to go shopping with to describe what you want.  It'll also show your FI that your taste in wedding bands isn't odd or unusual. 

    I have a friend who switches from her engagement right/wedding band combo to just her wedding band on a daily basis, depending on her mood or the occasion.  Her ring and band look beatiful together and apart.  Find a picture of something that you like that would work seperately.  You don't need to get a band that is custom fit around your engagement ring.

    I think a band with small diamonds around the top half, or even something with a small design, would be beautiful with your ring.  

    EDIT:
    For example, a wedding ring like below would be beautiful solo AND as part of the engagment ring.  You just need to find pictures like below of a style you like to show your FI and a jeweler.

    Two Drifters Off To See The World...
  • matcha that is a great idea!  I XP'ed this on another board and I'm also going to get tested for a nickle allergy.
  • Definitely get tested for an allergy.  I am allergic, but it takes a while before the blisters and flaky skin to happen.

    Honestly, I would have a very hard time not telling H if I didn't like my ring...but I also would have expected him to pick something that suited my tastes, especially since you guys talked about it, you know?  Personally, I think it's totally different from a wedding dress - the ring was a gift he bought for you, not an item of clothing you purchased for yourself.

    Anyway, since you don't think you can tell him you don't care for it, I like Matcha's idea of looking for inspiration online of rings you like that will work well with your current ring or separately.
  • jennylove810jennylove810 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    For what it's worth, I know several women who have, shall we say, "statement" wedding sets and they elect to wear them only for special occasions.  It's perfectly acceptable to wear a plain band for everyday life, and wear your bigger set for nights out.

    Edit: Potential metal allergy aside, you'll get used to the weight.  My wedding set is extremely heavy, platinum, and when I first got engaged (then married) I thought my finger was going to fall off.  But like any other muscle in your body, your finger will buff up.
  • I just wanted to say thank you to everyone.  I feel less stressed than I have in MONTHS over this thing.

    I'm going to get tested and get the ring resized and platinum plated if it turns out I am allergic.  Funny side note on that- I never knew why these adorable anthropology earrings caused my ears to scab if I wore them for more than a few hours.  *Lightbulb*

    I think matcha's idea is fantastic, I'll start looking for ideas now!  BTW- this is the wedding band I've been lusting over, do you think it would work with my ring?

    http://www.michaelcfina.com/engagement-wedding-rings/wedding-bands/ogi-wedding-bands-ltd-platinum-200mm-wedding-band-072A4-PA.html
  • I agree with PPs, I still think it might be an allergy if you are having itching.  You could also be trapping soap or other irritants around the ring if you wear it when you wash your hands, or don't dry under it.  My ring was only 0.75 in size too big, and it was uncomfortable - it felt so much better after it was the correct size.  I wore it too big for 3 months thinking I would get used to it, but it never felt comfortable until after.

    But if you don't like it, maybe let him "help" you pick out your wedding band (IE, lead him to something you really like) to lessen the chance that he might be offended if you wear your e-ring only on special occasions.
    photo trex2_zps7ab4e9b0.jpg
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  • Its hard to picture those two band together in my head. I would recommend going to a jeweler and trying on a few different different types to see what you think goes well with your current band.  That way you can tell if you like stones on the side or all the way across.

    From what I can tell,it looks like the diamonds on your dream band would fall right where the side nuggets are located. That either would look super awesome or slightly strange- I can't really tell. :-)
    Two Drifters Off To See The World...
  • So you two talked about what you were looking for in an engagement ring, he knew the style you liked, what size you wanted, etc, yet completely ignored your wishes and bought something that he could brag about?  I'm sorry, but I'd be saying something.  It's sweet that he put a lot of effort into creating a ring that he's proud of, but it's your ring, not his.  It'd be a shame for him to have spent so much effort (and money) on it for you to only bring it out on special occassions (and only because you'd feel guilty never wearing it again).

    Could you say something like "Honey, I love how much effort you put into this ring and that means so much to me, but after wearing it these past few months, I've come to realize that it's not something I'm comfortable wearing everyday.  This ring is just really heavy and I'd love to have something a little smaller so I can wear it without worrying about it."
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  • im going to be a cold hard B* about this. haha im sorrrryyyy!  but i am absolutely shocked that you feel you cannot tell the person you're going to marry the TRUTH. it has already caused you anxiety and irritation (yes, get tested for an allergy!), and for what?  becuase you're too afraid to tell him how you feel?  his feelings shouldn't be hurt, and if they are, you can apologize.  he loves you and will do anything to make you happy. you shouldn't need to compromise or hide things from him!

    have you asked him why he bought such a large piece?  perhaps he thought you asked for something small because you didn't want to seem greedy or high maintenance....and maybe he thought he was being extra-special...?

    you can sugar coat it all you want, but the heart of the issue is that the ring is pretty, but not something you can handle wearing everyday it sounds like you feel bad that you can't have that symbol on your hand 24/7 and would rather own something smaller and more comfortable that you CAN wear 24/7.  you are right -- taking it off so often increases the chance that it is lost, damaged, or stolen. and thats NOT okay.

    If he's set on you owning those stones (cuz face it, they're large and gorgeous!), then perhaps you can have them re-set into a necklace or other item that you would be more comfortable wearing.  That way he still has bragging rights to the shiny things he picked out for you!  Either return/sell it or make it into another piece of jewelry.  and then go pick out something smaller and more 'you'.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_not-wearing-engagement-ring-mini-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:45dbd988-ef0c-4ef0-8415-82ad126d401cPost:9dd51c44-6398-4afa-9b13-ec9af96581c9">Re: Not wearing my engagement ring? (and a mini-vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]im going to be a cold hard B* about this. haha im sorrrryyyy!  but i am absolutely shocked that you feel you cannot tell the person you're going to marry the TRUTH. it has already caused you anxiety and irritation (yes, get tested for an allergy!), and for what?  becuase you're too afraid to tell him how you feel?  his feelings shouldn't be hurt, and if they are, you can apologize.  he loves you and will do anything to make you happy. you shouldn't need to compromise or hide things from him! have you asked him why he bought such a large piece? <strong> perhaps he thought you asked for something small because you didn't want to seem greedy or high maintenance....and maybe he thought he was being extra-special...?</strong> you can sugar coat it all you want, but the heart of the issue is that the ring is pretty, but not something you can handle wearing everyday it sounds like you feel bad that you can't have that symbol on your hand 24/7 and would rather own something smaller and more comfortable that you CAN wear 24/7.  you are right -- taking it off so often increases the chance that it is lost, damaged, or stolen. and thats NOT okay. If he's set on you owning those stones (cuz face it, they're large and gorgeous!), then perhaps you can have them re-set into a necklace or other item that you would be more comfortable wearing.  That way he still has bragging rights to the shiny things he picked out for you!  Either return/sell it or make it into another piece of jewelry.  and then go pick out something smaller and more 'you'.
    Posted by gymbugmj2k[/QUOTE]
    I don't agree with all of this, but definitely with the bolded. I purposely asked for something small because I knew my FI's financial situation was poor, but he went above & beyond my expectations. He actually got me something that I wasn't too crazy about at first, but I adore now. He was so sad thinking that I wasn't going to like it. BEFORE he proposed, he already made an appointment for us to go back to the jeweler after his intended proposal date for me to exchange it. He just 'knew' I wouldn't like it. Even though it wouldn't be my 1st choice, I LOVE it now. It is a perfect representation of him & I. I couldn't bear to change it & crush him.<div>
    </div><div>I agree with PP in getting tested for an allergy. That will likely explain everything. I think wearing the ring as a necklace, for now, could be a happy medium (unless it starts itching your neck). </div><div>
    </div><div>I totally understand your apprehension on telling your FI. Men are very proud of their ring choices and it can be crushing to hear that you don't like it. I've read quite a few posts on TK where that convo didn't go too well. It has to be done very gently and kindly. Blaming it on a skin allergy is definitely the best route. </div><div>
    </div><div>I highly doubt your FI got you this ring just to 'show off'. It seems more like he really wants to give you something that you would never get yourself, but maybe doesn't understand that it doesn't please you. This far in the game, it would be hard to tell him you don't like it. Try to get allergy tested & then make sure you get a wedding band you are comfortable with. Good luck! </div>
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