MOH woes--

kmplant · June 2010

Last year I stood up as MOH at my best friend's wedding. I bent over backwards for her to throw a beautiful shower, not to mention planned the bachelorette party and did various odd-jobs for her throughout her planning process. I was there for her to listen, bounce ideas off of, and pick up the pieces when she wasn't able to. She was quite a bridezilla but I was happy to do it--that's what friends (and MOHs) are for anyways, right?

So now it's my turn. I'm getting married in 4 months and she isn't reciprocating. She's completely dropped the ball with the shower, expecting that other BMs and my mom will pick up the slack. She hasn't even asked about the wedding in months. Every time we speak the conversation revolves around her (and the baby she's about to have). A very close friend of mine and BM has decided to take it upon herself to clean up the mess from my MOH not getting on-target with the shower. She is a fantastic friend and has been a sounding board throughout the entire planning process. The dilemma is that the MOH and super BM aren't on the best terms--the MOH feels threatened by the BM as we've become very close through this process.

As it's obvious that my MOH is not interested in being involved or simply supporting our wedding, is it appropriate to swap their titles? I feel like no matter what I do someone will be hurt. Swap the MOH and BM and the MOH will be hurt, don't change anything and the BM will be hurt, as will I knowing that I have a MOH who is too preoccupied to even take a remote interest in my wedding after all I did for hers.

What do you think? Any advice would be helpful.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

You still have four months--many showers don't even reach the planning stage until you have less than three to go.

I know it's disappointing, but you can't hold other people to the same standard you held yourself. I can't tell from your OP if this is the case, but showers aren't cheap--couldn't it be that she can't afford to throw a lavish one? Or, now that she's married, know that it doesn't require months upon months of planning? It's not her job to throw you a shower. It's great that you went all the trouble to throw her one, but you did it out of the goodness of your heart, not because you had to. Same with her. She could not be doing it because she hasn't gotten around to it yet, or because she doesn't have money, or because she doesn't care. None of those are reasons to fire her as MOH.

It is absolutely NOT appropriate to swap titles. MOH is your closest friend, not wedding planner.

Not being interested in planning ≠ lack of support for the wedding or shower. It just means she doesn't want to plan parties. For most people, the shower and other pre-wedding events are a whole different animal from the wedding itself, and to project one onto the other makes no sense.

Be bummed then move on. It's all you can do without looking like a bridezilla to everyone. To change up the titles looks 1) petty and 2) like you only care about what people do for you, not the friendship itself. Everyone who doesn't know the "whole story" will think that 1 and 2 apply...and that will be absolutely everyone.

ETA: Until you've actually heard from the horse's mouth that she has no interest in planning anything and doesn't care about the wedding, take what the BM says with a grain of salt. BMs are not above making up statements by other BMs or the MOH in hopes of either "moving up" in the WP or causing drama. I've seen many situations on this board where that happened.

JoyTate1 · June 2010

Being a Bridesmaid is an honor, you do not need to switch titles. Get her a nice little hostess gift for throwing the shower and a sweet card. If she is upset that you don't "promote" her, then she isn't that great of a friend.

gottahavashorti · June 2010

[QUOTE]Last year I stood up as MOH at my best friend's wedding. I bent over backwards for her to throw a beautiful shower, not to mention planned the bachelorette party and did various odd-jobs for her throughout her planning process. I was there for her to listen, bounce ideas off of, and pick up the pieces when she wasn't able to. She was quite a bridezilla but I was happy to do it--that's what friends (and MOHs) are for anyways, right?
You made the decision to do these things. Wedding related favors are not tit for tat.

So now it's my turn. I'm getting married in 4 months and she isn't reciprocating. She's completely dropped the ball with the shower, expecting that other BMs and my mom will pick up the slack.
No one is obligated to plan a shower. You are not entitled to receive a shower. Every guest at the wedding has the option of hosting a shower or not hosting a shower for you.

She hasn't even asked about the wedding in months. Every time we speak the conversation revolves around her (and the baby she's about to have).
You're both going through major life events right now. It's not surprising that she's more interested in her pregnancy than your wedding - it's the thing that is relevent to her own life right now.

A very close friend of mine and BM has decided to take it upon herself to clean up the mess from my MOH not getting on-target with the shower. She is a fantastic friend and has been a sounding board throughout the entire planning process. The dilemma is that the MOH and super BM aren't on the best terms--the MOH feels threatened by the BM as we've become very close through this process. As it's obvious that my MOH is not interested in being involved or simply supporting our wedding, is it appropriate to swap their titles? I feel like no matter what I do someone will be hurt. Swap the MOH and BM and the MOH will be hurt, don't change anything and the BM will be hurt, as will I knowing that I have a MOH who is too preoccupied to even take a remote interest in my wedding after all I did for hers. What do you think? Any advice would be helpful.
Doing so would be a friendship ending move. There are no BM duties or MOH duties, let alone BM and MOH specific duties. You will look like a bridezilla if you demote someone, remove someone from your wedding party, or suggest that someone step down. I suggest that you reduce your expectations instead.
Posted by kmplant[/QUOTE]

trix1223 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d05688af-2960-4738-b790-4de26c8a7f56Post:81b91079-c7df-49fe-b0b9-32db3f71b921">MOH woes--</a>:
[QUOTE]Last year I stood up as MOH at my best friend's wedding. I bent over backwards for her to throw a beautiful shower, not to mention planned the bachelorette party and did various odd-jobs for her throughout her planning process. I was there for her to listen, bounce ideas off of, and pick up the pieces when she wasn't able to. She was quite a bridezilla but I was happy to do it--that's what friends (and MOHs) are for anyways, right? So now it's my turn. I'm getting married in 4 months and she isn't reciprocating. She's completely dropped the ball with the shower, expecting that other BMs and my mom will pick up the slack. She hasn't even asked about the wedding in months. Every time we speak the conversation revolves around her (and the baby she's about to have). A very close friend of mine and BM has decided to take it upon herself to clean up the mess from my MOH not getting on-target with the shower. She is a fantastic friend and has been a sounding board throughout the entire planning process. The dilemma is that the MOH and super BM aren't on the best terms--the MOH feels threatened by the BM as we've become very close through this process. As it's obvious that my MOH is not interested in being involved or simply supporting our wedding, is it appropriate to swap their titles? I feel like no matter what I do someone will be hurt. Swap the MOH and BM and the MOH will be hurt, don't change anything and the BM will be hurt, as will I knowing that I have a MOH who is too preoccupied to even take a remote interest in my wedding after all I did for hers. What do you think? Any advice would be helpful.
Posted by kmplant[/QUOTE]

There are several issues here:
#1: you did what you did as her MOH because your WANTED to, not because someone was forcing you. And that's just lovely of you. But you can't expect, nor can you force people to do what you do. Your involvement was your choice~her involvement (or lack thereof) will be her choice.

#2 She's pregnant. She's in a whole different place now than you are. Is it fair? Maybe not. But it is what it is. To use what may be a simplistic analogy: the high school senior whose friend is not in college isn't going to care AT ALL the Valentine's Day dance at her old HS.

#3: You don't "demote" someone from a position that's not a job to begin with.

#4: Suck it up. Be happy that you have someone willing to help. Don't ruin a friendship with your MOH by getting into a "Who's the better MOH?" contest.

#5: Enjoy your wedding.

kmplant · June 2010

While you're right that I shouldn't be switching things up at this point, I guess my biggest pitfall is that our friendship has plummeted through all of this. I don't feel supported by my MOH not because she's not interested in planning my wedding with me or throwing me parties, but because she isn't supporting me or my fiance. She doesn't care to talk about anything but herself and her husband and their baby-to-be which is hard for me. While I'm generally a better listener than talker, I appreciate when others show me they care by simply asking how things are going. She doesn't have the time to even muster the question anymore. It's sad for me because we've been great friends for 11 years, but since she got married last year, all that matters to her is herself. I struggle with this because I want to look to my left on my wedding day and see a group of women who support and love my fiance and me. I worry that my sour feelings about our friendship are going to leave a bitter taste in my mouth on my wedding day.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Having a baby is just as exciting as getting married and, in many ways, a bigger deal. So I'm not surprised at all that she's talking a lot about it. Plus, as someone who is already married, I do find my eyes glazing over when people start going on and on about the details of their weddings. It's like turning 21--you thought it was the biggest deal when it happened to you, but when other friends started turning 21 the whole let's-get-drunk-because-we-can scene seems a little less exciting.

Please don't confuse interest in the wedding details with support of the marriage. The two are not mutually exclusive and one does not indicate the other.

Now sometimes friendships do change. But you have to ask yourself: If I wasn't getting married, would this behaviour be bothering me nearly as much?

ETA: I had the world's worst MOH. My sister is bipolar and undiagnosed at the time--no meds, no control over her life. Her lack of interest in planning was the least of my worries. She cursed me out right before my shower, lied to the BMs while they tried to plan the bach party which meant they had months of headaches but didn't want to get involved, made a scene at the rehearsal, was rude to the officiant and our relatives at the RD, and got so wasted at the reception that she had to be carried out. She also caught on fire during the ceremony but that wasn't intentional (and it was her bouquet, not her, that actually caught fire). I don't look back and hold any of it against her. I don't look at my wedding photos and curse that she was there. None of it mattered in the end. None of it ruined the day or even impacted how perfect we thought it was. If I can get over that the day after the wedding, you can get over this.

JoyTate1 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d05688af-2960-4738-b790-4de26c8a7f56Post:dd3f026b-f731-4c9a-baf4-5432f5e2259d">Re: MOH woes--</a>:
[QUOTE]While you're right that I shouldn't be switching things up at this point, I guess my biggest pitfall is that our friendship has plummeted through all of this. I don't feel supported by my MOH not because she's not interested in planning my wedding with me or throwing me parties, but because she isn't supporting me or my fiance. She doesn't care to talk about anything but herself and her husband and their baby-to-be which is hard for me. While I'm generally a better listener than talker, I appreciate when others show me they care by simply asking how things are going. She doesn't have the time to even muster the question anymore. It's sad for me because we've been great friends for 11 years, but since she got married last year, all that matters to her is herself. I struggle with this because I want to look to my left on my wedding day and see a group of women who support and love my fiance and me. I worry that my sour feelings about our friendship are going to leave a bitter taste in my mouth on my wedding day.
Posted by kmplant[/QUOTE]

Have you thought about calling her and talking to her as a friend? Telling her how you feel? She not only just recently got married but now has a baby on the way, a lot has changed in her life. She may not even realize you are hurt.

kmplant · June 2010

I appreciate your input. You're all right--I'll have to just suck it up and be thankful for my fantastic BM at this point.

trix1223 · June 2010

You're confusing not wanting the throw a party or make wedding plans with not "supporting" you. They don't equate at all.

You're really being a tad melodramatic here. On your wedding day, you won't be looking to your left to see friends who "support" you. You'll be looking at your DH and marveling that you've actually pledged to spend the rest of your life with this man that you love.

I can PROMISE you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you won't be thinking "Sheesh, she didn't throw me a shower, or voice her opinion on favors."

You need to keep this in mind "NO ONE WILL BE AS EXCITED ABOUT YOUR WEDDING AS YOU ARE". And that's just fine. It doesn't mean they don't care about you or "support" your marriage. It just means that they also have a life that they're living.

And honestly, what "support" do you need? This is a joyous time in your life. There are times you'll need support. Both of my DD's have, in the last 5 months, been in, literally, life and death situations. They easily could have died. They need support. You're getting married. That's not a "support" needing time.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

You can also do something really nice for the BM to show your appreciation. I think that would be great. But making her MOH is a public humiliation of the current MOH and that just isn't warranted. Know what I mean?

banana468 · June 2010

I'm going to echo PPs.

You can do something really AWESOME for the BM who is being great. You can also talk to the pregnant MOH and say, "Hey, I feel like we've lost a big of our connection. Is anything going on?"

And maybe she's just a more selfish now - and that's unfortunate but you can't change it.

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