Wedding Etiquette Forum

Having a 2nd wedding

Okay I know we talk all the time that you only get one wedding day to the same man, regardless of what that wedding is.  If you choose a JOP wedding or a small ceremony with only a handful of people, so be it, and thats your wedding. 

But do you have different feelings toward a second wedding depending on the situation?  For example, would you think it was okay to do a second wedding if their JOP wedding was because of a military deployment, or an illness? 
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Re: Having a 2nd wedding

  • This will probably be unpopular, but I don't like second weddings. Period.
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  • Trust me, its not for me, and I feel the same way.  I was called closed-minded on the military brides board because I told a girl she only gets 1 wedding, and that people have JOP weddings for different reasons and I should be more understanding.  But I'm sorry, your wedding day is your wedding day, whether its 6 people in a courthouse or 500 people in a ballroom.
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  • I have no problem with second receptions if there's a reason - hardly surprising since we did a reception in the US after we were already married. I think it's weird to just want a private ceremony and then also want the big party, but if you've got immigration or military or illness issues and also want to celebrate after that, I don't mind.

    But call the damn thing a reception or a vow renewal or a blessing or whatever it actually is. If you refer to it as your wedding, then I have to assume you are stupid because you don't know the definition of the word "wedding."
  • It seems that a LOT of military brides have that sense of entitlement. 
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  • No. That's the point. People here HAVE been through military deployments and illnesses. Some have chosen to get married simply, some have had vow renewals, and some have pushed off the wedding.

    The only one I look on with a little more sympathy is immigration. INS tells you you have 90 days (or 120 days) to get married, basically when they say you do. So you can plan a wedding in 3 months or plan a JOP and a vow renewal a year later. Yes, I know you CAN plan a big wedding in 3 months, but it's not easy, or cheap, and it's hard to have your vision come together in that time for some people.
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  • There are a couple of times when I can see that you HAVE to do it.  Like, a girl I knew on the IN board who's FI had been denied some time of visa to the US for their wedding.  So they were going to get married in the Middle East so he could go in to the US for a wedding that was already planned and paid for.That was kind of a gotta do what you gotta do.

  • My opinion is slightly skewed. My Bro and SIL had the JOP/second wedding a month later deal and by the brother-sister law I feel that I'm obligated to love and support them even if I don't agree with their decisions.

    However, I usually find second wedding ceremonies kind of silly. Why not just have those closest to you (and usually the reason of the second ceremony) there in the first place, even if it's JOP?  I never understand why people have to run to the courthouse if they need a quicky wedding. Find a judge and get married in a park. I feel that would be much more aesthetically pleasing...

    I'm usually not bothered by second receptions as long as they are more like a celebratory party and don't go through the whole bouquet toss, etc shenanigans.
  • Oh, well, you were on the military brides board. I've heard things about them. I'VE HEARD THINGS.
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  • edited November 2010

    No...I wouldn't be okay with it, and I'd question the couple's stability. 

    You have a wedding because you want to get married.  Once you are married, you don't have any more weddings.  It seems so basic to me.  If you (not you, specifically) feel like your wedding wasn't "real" so you have to do it again, what does that say about your marriage?  You get married for the union, not for the party.  If the party is that important...good luck, I guess.  But please don't invite me to your party.  Reruns suck.

    ETA- I'm assuming when you say second wedding, you mean just that...dress, bridal party, vows.  If you just mean "party celebrating our marriage when he gets home without all the frills" then I honestly don't care.  I can see how that can happen under certain circumstances.   

  • I think have a few issues with it:

    1) You're implying that people who have a simple JOP wedding didn't have a REAL wedding, when yes, they're just as married as anyone who spent $100k and invited 450 guests. It's offensive to people who make different choices.

    2) It seems dishonest. In the military, you get a lot of benefits by being married - housing, insurance, etc. Rushing to get married so you can claim those benefits, but pushing off your "real" wedding for a year seems pointless. You're accepting all the benefits that go along with marriage. Same with health insurance. You aren't "really" married until you have your "church wedding" except when the insurance company calls and then you are definately and totally married. Okay then.
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  • I only think second weddings are appropriate if you're getting married to your second spouse.
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  • I agree with all of you.  Okay good I'm glad I'm not the only one. 

    Emily- thats what I was saying on that board.  Have a huge party and invite all of your friends, just don't call it a wedding.  Its not a wedding.

    Snippy- I would totally understand in that situation.  They wouldn't have a wedding if they didn't get married first.

    Salt- yes they do.  This isn't the first time I've had this argument on that board.  And many times I get the response "well I want my princess day so I'm doing it regardless." 

    This couple is doing a beach wedding with only 6 people so she can be on his orders when he moves.  Then they will do the 2nd wedding in the summer before they move.  Being on the orders only means she doesn't pay to move, and they are moving overseas.  So I understand getting married first, but you don't get a second wedding.  I don't understand why she doesn't just invite more people to the beach wedding.
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  • Yeah that makes zero sense.

    And PS your sig pic is positively lovely. :)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-2nd-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fe87fba-6382-4c57-abb1-09427d41bfd6Post:891ff91b-e1f3-4f39-b3e3-393fcdf2a538">Re: Having a 2nd wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah that makes zero sense. And PS your sig pic is positively lovely. :)
    Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

    Thanks!  This is probably my favorite pic from the day, and I don't even really know why. 
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  • I think it's pretty rare that you CAN NOT manage to have a wedding that suits you scheduled around a deployment.  It might be tough, but not impossible.  Unfortunately, too many people want to get married first, collect the extra BAH and tax-free income during a deployment, and use that to pay for their "wedding".  Which is crap, in my book.  It's either defrauding your family and friends, or the US government, depending on how you look at it.

    If you want to have a vow renewal after the fact, I think it's silly, but at least it's honest.  I think it should be sort of minimal, though, because you already had your WEDDING.  I just don't see how the vow renewal could ever feel like a real wedding to me.  It's not the real thing. 

    Overall, I think you make your choice, and you should live with it. 
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  • I don't mind for military reasons or health reasons.

      My ex and I actually did that we did JOP for deployment reasons then had our religous ceremony and reception when he was on leave from Iraq. My best friend was also in a similar situation and did JOP then religous ceremony and party at a later date. But I'm from a military culture.



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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-2nd-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fe87fba-6382-4c57-abb1-09427d41bfd6Post:d7bb1d2d-d50c-4ada-8a15-c6a8da00eda8">Re: Having a 2nd wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with all of you.  Okay good I'm glad I'm not the only one.  Emily- thats what I was saying on that board.  Have a huge party and invite all of your friends, just don't call it a wedding.  Its not a wedding. Snippy- I would totally understand in that situation.  They wouldn't have a wedding if they didn't get married first. Salt- yes they do.  This isn't the first time I've had this argument on that board.  And many times I get the response "well I want my princess day so I'm doing it regardless."  This couple is doing a beach wedding with only 6 people so she can be on his orders when he moves.  Then they will do the 2nd wedding in the summer before they move.  <strong>Being on the orders only means she doesn't pay to move, and they are moving overseas.  So I understand getting married first, but you don't get a second wedding.  I don't understand why she doesn't just invite more people to the beach wedding.</strong>
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

    Right, that's like, kind of how life is unfair? You know, adults make decisions and sometimes you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I get the feeling a lot of two-wedding girls are living in a fantasy land where they just get whatever they want, all the time, damn anyone else. She could either pay to move and have a big wedding in the summer or she could get married sooner and have the wedding she can afford now. And neither would make people give her the side-eye.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-2nd-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fe87fba-6382-4c57-abb1-09427d41bfd6Post:2b06018b-8ad1-4a64-9868-89032420d576">Re: Having a 2nd wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, well, you were on the military brides board. I've heard things about them. I'VE HEARD THINGS.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    Oh yes.  Its beyond frustrating over there sometimes.  Lots of lots of 18 year old brides demanding that they know what love is and that their marriage is going to last forever and ever.  But I can get some useful military information too when needed, and I can help out others too, so I still venture over there.  But sometimes its not worth it. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-2nd-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fe87fba-6382-4c57-abb1-09427d41bfd6Post:5fdab324-eebd-42bc-a2fa-0a3b86c02ec3">Re: Having a 2nd wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I only think second weddings are appropriate if you're getting married to your second spouse.
    Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

    Tee hee :)


    I know of a couple that JOP'd it months in advance of their planned "wedding" so she could have insurance for a doc visit. Well, it turns out they didn't cover what she needed anyways so it was pretty pointless. They didn't tell anyone and some of his family found out from the public records in the local newspaper. </fail />


    ETA: I had my first run in with the Knot Matrix. I posted this and ended up in DW.
  • Having done two receptions, I just don't get why you would want to do two full weddings. I LOVED our second reception because I loved seeing my family and friends, and we had yummy food and good music. But I wasn't nearly as excited about it as I was about my wedding. If you genuinely do not consider yourself married after JOPing and only do it for some legal reason, then I can see how the pretty princess day would mean a lot to you, but if you already feel married, pretty princess day probably isn't going to be everything you'd hoped for because you won't have the excitement of actually getting married. Might as well avoid the whole issue and just throw a party.
  • Oh, and I've gone round on the MB board.  I stopped going over there once they got a good mod, though.  I couldn't deal with the stupid anymore.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-2nd-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fe87fba-6382-4c57-abb1-09427d41bfd6Post:d0084c2e-c16b-4d79-8f79-fc22ca65c474">Re: Having a 2nd wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]No. That's the point. People here HAVE been through military deployments and illnesses. Some have chosen to get married simply, some have had vow renewals, and some have pushed off the wedding. <strong>The only one I look on with a little more sympathy is immigration. INS tells you you have 90 days (or 120 days) to get married, basically when they say you do. So you can plan a wedding in 3 months or plan a JOP and a vow renewal a year later. Yes, I know you CAN plan a big wedding in 3 months, but it's not easy, or cheap, and it's hard to have your vision come together in that time for some people.
    </strong>Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    Yes, this happened to a friend of mine and I had ZERO issues with it whatsoever.  It's not like they were lying at the celebration that they had a year later. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-2nd-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fe87fba-6382-4c57-abb1-09427d41bfd6Post:dc715f42-db3c-4962-810e-fc65c2f703b7">Re: Having a 2nd wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't mind for military reasons or health reasons.   My ex and I actually did that we did JOP for deployment reasons then had our religous ceremony and reception when he was on leave from Iraq. My best friend was also in a similar situation and did JOP then religous ceremony and party at a later date. But I'm from a military culture.
    Posted by tonyscutieest09[/QUOTE]

    I'm a military wife and had to plan our wedding around our PCS and deployment.  But its what we wanted to do so we weren't fooling anyone.  And I'm not trying to judge you so please don't take this the wrong way, but you said its your ex-H, which kind of isn't helping prove the point.  Granted, I don't know your entre situation.  Most people who get married just to be marrried for a depoyment get married for the wrong reasons, and often end up divorced. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-2nd-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fe87fba-6382-4c57-abb1-09427d41bfd6Post:84c2d850-eaea-4850-ac01-f31af71c1848">Re: Having a 2nd wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Having a 2nd wedding : Oh yes.  Its beyond frustrating over there sometimes.  Lots of lots of 18 year old brides demanding that they know what love is and that their marriage is going to last forever and ever.  But I can get some useful military information too when needed, and I can help out others too, so I still venture over there.  But sometimes its not worth it. 
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

    <div>I did an internship at the legal assistance office of JAG at the proving grounds near my house and I learned quite a bit there. First off, if FI and I don't work out I am going for a military guy. And I know how many years I need to be married to this new dude to get a good cut of his pay.</div><div>
    </div><div>That was a completely off the topic statement. I saw a LOOOOT of entitlement in that office though. All of it came from the wives or girlfriends though.</div><div>
    </div><div>*TOTAL STEREOTYPE TOTAL STEREOTYPE*</div>
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  • I don't mind "2nd weddings" in the following circumstances:
    - immigration
    - deployment
    - illness: a close friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer, and got married at the courthouse two weeks before major surgery. She had a wedding reception/celebration a year later, but no "2nd ceremony"

    That being said, I love weddings and celebrations, as long as I'm well fed and it's a dun party, I don't care if they technically got married earlier. I'm there for the celebration.

    I wouldn't do it myself though - I would be a bit embarrassed, and I think a lot of other people get annoyed by it.
  • All of my coworkers keep telling me to just run away and elope and then to come back and have the reception. I'm just like ummmm it doesn't work that way and having the reception when we get back kind of defeats the purpose of eloping (besides the obvious).
  • I'm like Birdie... Because my brother and SIL did it, I feel like I have to defend it.  That said, theirs is one of the only situations I've seen yet that I didn't side-eye, but it's kind of a long story.

    It was truly the only way their marriage would be legal in the U.S. and Egypt, valid in her religion, prevent him from being dishonorably discharged, and enable her to move here in a reasonable amount of time (which still took 18 months).
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-2nd-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fe87fba-6382-4c57-abb1-09427d41bfd6Post:04d05306-c65f-48f1-81ac-9b7fba8af8ae">Re: Having a 2nd wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Having a 2nd wedding : I did an internship at the legal assistance office of JAG at the proving grounds near my house and I learned quite a bit there. First off, if FI and I don't work out I am going for a military guy. And I know how many years I need to be married to this new dude to get a good cut of his pay. That was a completely off the topic statement. I saw a LOOOOT of entitlement in that office though. All of it came from the wives or girlfriends though. *TOTAL STEREOTYPE TOTAL STEREOTYPE*
    Posted by Rosie109[/QUOTE]

    I hate that stereotype because i'm far from it.  But I totally get it.  There are tons of those wives and I see them all the time.  It drives me insane.  I don't feel entitled to anything, and I fully understand that our lives are not really in our hands, they are i the hands of the military and what they choose to do. 

    Yeah I used to joke with H all the time about how I was sticking with him for 10 years and then taking him for half of his pension.  I heard they recently changed it to 15 years of marriage now.  I kinda think its BS that your ex can take half of your reitrement if she left you.  H has also heard of several people that have gotten out a few days shy of 20 years just to screw their ex-wives.  I think thats pretty funny, but stupid since you lose your pension too. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-2nd-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fe87fba-6382-4c57-abb1-09427d41bfd6Post:91e9cfb5-493f-412b-aa28-99708af3b94c">Re: Having a 2nd wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, and I've gone round on the MB board.  I stopped going over there once they got a good mod, though.  I couldn't deal with the stupid anymore.
    Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

    The mod is rarely around.  She may come in and read the posts, but I can't even remember the last time she ever posted.  There hasn't been anything bad though, just annoying. 
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