Moms and Maids

MOB DRAMA! Help me please!

I have decided to get ready at my fiancees grandparents house, for space reason, my mother smokes in her house,alot, and i dont want to smell like that all day(because she will be smoking that day, and a hell of a lot more, and she is the kind of person that thinks that if it bugs me i should go outside while shes smoking not her),and for the simple fact that they have a gorgeous house, it will make for very nice pictures. and my mother is extremely upset now (this isnt the frst time she's gotten angry about something that we see as minor, and the last few times she stopped talking to us for a while....) she has, a huge house but no free space, the bathroom there is nowheres near enough room for my dress,or me (i will be 7 months pregnant by then)if i have to go to the bathroom or get ready in the bathroom, and frankly, nothing in the house matches and just wont look as nice in pictures. what im asking is, am i right to be angry that shes so upset and angry.  it seems anything that we don't do her way,or she looses control over, she gets angry.what would you ladys do to deal with this situation? we've told her shes allowed to get ready with us there, and i dont see how its any different then getting ready in a bridal suite. she tells me its my familys time not his familys time, but  they are all more then welcome to come there and get ready with us, but she doesnt want to she wont be "comfortable". can't wait for this all tojust be over and shes the number one reason, because of events like this.
help please, advice anything!

Re: MOB DRAMA! Help me please!

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    As a former smoker, I can tell you that smokers are immune to that smell. Your mom has no clue that she, her house and her car stink. (sorry to be so blunt) So from your mom's viewpoint, you are making a big fuss about nothing.

    You have the right to not be exposed to smoke. But don't respond angrily. Just tell her you don't want your dress to smell like smoke. And really, it is not good for you to be breathing second hand smoke. Don't feel guilty about this. Your mom could agree not to smoke in your presence if it was that important to her to honor her family tradition. Don't bring the looks of her house into this matter. That's unnecessarily hurtful.

    Stick to your guns, now, because it will be good practice for outlawing smoke around your baby.
                       
  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Everything Mariepoppy said, except I've never smoked.  My mom did.  I had chain smoking grandparents up the street.  All of them thought I was pulling off an Oscar worthy acting job when I'd practically cough up a lung whenever I was around that damn smoke.

    Stick to your guns on this but keep it centered on the smoke, not the looks of your mom's house.  I'd also start laying the groundwork now that she isn't coming near your child with a cigarette in her mouth.

    If your dress is at your mom's now, I'd take it to be cleaned and then store it at your FI's grandparents' house.  I remember that houses with heavy smokers smell like smoke all the time.  I'd smell it on me walking out even though no one smoked around me.  There's a reason realtors hate having to try to sell smokers houses.  New owners usually have to replace all of the drywall and carpeting.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-drama-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:526a42a9-8c99-468b-8fd4-7d632c949cdePost:5275b09a-3694-4aae-99d7-12d48cf2f9b2">MOB DRAMA! Help me please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have decided to get ready at my fiancees grandparents house, for space reason, my mother smokes in her house,alot, and i dont want to smell like that all day(because she will be smoking that day, and a hell of a lot more, and she is the kind of person that thinks that if it bugs me i should go outside while shes smoking not her),and for the simple fact that they have a gorgeous house, it will make for very nice pictures. and my mother is extremely upset now (this isnt the frst time she's gotten angry about something that we see as minor, and the last few times she stopped talking to us for a while....) she has, a huge house but no free space, the bathroom there is nowheres near enough room for my dress,or me (i will be 7 months pregnant by then)if i have to go to the bathroom or get ready in the bathroom, and frankly, nothing in the house matches and just wont look as nice in pictures. what im asking is, am i right to be angry that shes so upset and angry.  it seems anything that we don't do her way,or she looses control over, she gets angry.what would you ladys do to deal with this situation? we've told her shes allowed to get ready with us there, and i dont see how its any different then getting ready in a bridal suite. she tells me its my familys time not his familys time, but  they are all more then welcome to come there and get ready with us, but she doesnt want to she wont be "comfortable". can't wait for this all tojust be over and shes the number one reason, because of events like this. help please, advice anything!
    Posted by burd_k[/QUOTE]

    I feel for you in the smoking department. I hate smoke, I have asthma and it sucks so bad when you enter a place that smells like it. My grandmother smokes and there are occasions where I just sit outside or on the porch area just so I can get fresh air (also my clothes always smell like smoke when I return home).

    So I say stick your guns about getting dress at your FI's grandparents, but like the ladies suggested don't mention that it doesn't "look" good for photos say its about the smoke and size (which is a valid reason). She can throw all the fits she wants just, if she pulls the " I'm not coming " bit, just say "you will be missed".
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-drama-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:526a42a9-8c99-468b-8fd4-7d632c949cdePost:e475695f-8c41-459d-bfa7-9a3fcaf7eb5b">Re: MOB DRAMA! Help me please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to MOB DRAMA! Help me please! : I feel for you in the smoking department. I hate smoke, I have asthma and it sucks so bad when you enter a place that smells like it. My grandmother smokes and there are occasions where I just sit outside or on the porch area just so I can get fresh air (also my clothes always smell like smoke when I return home). <strong>So I say stick your guns</strong> about getting dress at your FI's grandparents, but like the ladies suggested don't mention that it doesn't "look" good for photos say its <strong>about the smoke and size (which is a valid reason).</strong> She can throw all the fits she wants just, if she pulls the " I'm not coming " bit, just say "you will be missed".
    Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

    This.  You do not need to be around smoke at 7 months pregnant (well, not at all, but I digress).  GL
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-drama-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:526a42a9-8c99-468b-8fd4-7d632c949cdePost:de792d72-b63e-417c-bf37-46ad1f52bf2c">Re: MOB DRAMA! Help me please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]As a former smoker, I can tell you that smokers are immune to that smell. Your mom has no clue that she, her house and her car stink. (sorry to be so blunt) So from your mom's viewpoint, you are making a big fuss about nothing. You have the right to not be exposed to smoke. But don't respond angrily. Just tell her you don't want your dress to smell like smoke. And really, it is not good for you to be breathing second hand smoke. Don't feel guilty about this. Your mom could agree not to smoke in your presence if it was that important to her to honor her family tradition. Don't bring the looks of her house into this matter. That's unnecessarily hurtful. Stick to your guns, now, because it will be good practice for outlawing smoke around your baby.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    Exactly this, as well as the fact that you will be 7 months pregnant and it is toxic to the baby.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    >>i dont see how its any different then getting ready in a bridal suite. she tells me its my familys time not his familys time

    I think THIS PART is the real problem.

    It's traditional for the MOB to participate in the bride's getting dressed and ready for the wedding.

    If you can't do that at the MOB's house, then you need to do that at a bridal suite at the hotel, or in a room at the ceremony venue.
     
    There is no way that your mother thinks it's NO DIFFERENT getting ready at your FI's grandparents' house.  That's HIS SIDE.  The bride gets ready in a place that's ON THE BRIDE'S SIDE or in a neutral location.  I absolutely would not be comfortable getting ready for my wedding, having a special bonding moment with my mom, while being in my FI's parents' house or grandparents' house - and even if YOU ARE, your mother ISN'T.

    And the idea that you've mentioned several times that your mother's house is a smelly wreck while the FI's grandparents' house is really nice and will look oh so much better in the pictures probably isn't lost on your mother either... 
  • edited December 2011

    I actually think Kristin has a point.  I can see how you mom feels like she is "losing" this "precious part of the wedding."  Considering how adamant my mom was about going dress shopping with me.... she could see it as a Mother/Daughter activity.

    However, you have every right not to get ready in a smoke free space (always not just that day) and a place you are comfortable it. 

    I would de-emphasize to photogenic qualities, this isn't really that important and will only hurt feelings. 

    I would stand my ground as well, unless you or a BM already have a hotel suit booked that would be big enough.  this could be a compromise, but you are within your rights to go with your plan of the grandparents.

  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-drama-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:526a42a9-8c99-468b-8fd4-7d632c949cdePost:52bfb254-cb92-473b-960f-b0c5822bdbf4">Re: MOB DRAMA! Help me please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I actually think Kristin has a point.  I can see how you mom feels like she is "losing" this "precious part of the wedding."  Considering how adamant my mom was about going dress shopping with me.... she could see it as a Mother/Daughter activity. However, you have every right not to get ready in a smoke free space (always not just that day) and a place you are comfortable it.  I would de-emphasize to photogenic qualities, this isn't really that important and will only hurt feelings.  I would stand my ground as well, unless you or a BM already have a hotel suit booked that would be big enough.  this could be a compromise, but you are within your rights to go with your plan of the grandparents.
    Posted by DNAtime[/QUOTE]

    I would suggest that you find (or rent) a non smoking place to get ready WITH your mom, not your FILS.  Most hotels are very firm about their non smoking rules.

    Your comment about your mothers house having nothing matching kind of pissed me off but you are very much within your right about the second hand smoke!
  • squeakyducksqueakyduck member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-drama-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:526a42a9-8c99-468b-8fd4-7d632c949cdePost:5275b09a-3694-4aae-99d7-12d48cf2f9b2">MOB DRAMA! Help me please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have decided to get ready at my fiancees grandparents house, for space reason, my mother smokes in her house,alot, and i dont want to smell like that all day<strong>(because she will be smoking that day, and a hell of a lot more, and she is the kind of person that thinks that if it bugs me i should go outside while shes smoking not her)</strong>,and for the simple fact that they have a gorgeous house, it will make for very nice pictures. and my mother is extremely upset now (this isnt the frst time she's gotten angry about something that we see as minor, and the last few times she stopped talking to us for a while....) she has, a huge house but no free space, the bathroom there is nowheres near enough room for my dress,or me (i will be 7 months pregnant by then)if i have to go to the bathroom or get ready in the bathroom, and frankly, nothing in the house matches and just wont look as nice in pictures. what im asking is, am i right to be angry that shes so upset and angry.  it seems anything that we don't do her way,or she looses control over, she gets angry.what would you ladys do to deal with this situation? we've told her shes allowed to get ready with us there, and i dont see how its any different then getting ready in a bridal suite. she tells me its my familys time not his familys time, but  they are all more then welcome to come there and get ready with us, but she doesnt want to she wont be "comfortable". can't wait for this all tojust be over and shes the number one reason, because of events like this. help please, advice anything!
    Posted by burd_k[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ugh. I can't stand going to a smoker's house. The ones I know harp on about their right to smoke. I can respect that, but not when it's infringing on my right to breathe. Plus, in your case, it's bad for the baby too. </div><div>
    </div><div>Can you get ready at your ceremony location? That would make everyone happy. </div>
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  • Sing2phinsSing2phins member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-drama-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:526a42a9-8c99-468b-8fd4-7d632c949cdePost:cd7327d8-0750-4a57-9d5c-b2f4a6cf7391">Re: MOB DRAMA! Help me please!</a>:
    [QUOTE] />>i dont see how its any different then getting ready in a bridal suite. she tells me its my familys time not his familys time

     I think THIS PART is the real problem. It's traditional for the MOB to participate in the bride's getting dressed and ready for the wedding. If you can't do that at the MOB's house, then you need to do that at a bridal suite at the hotel, or in a room at the ceremony venue.   There is no way that your mother thinks it's NO DIFFERENT getting ready at your FI's grandparents' house.  That's HIS SIDE.  The bride gets ready in a place that's ON THE BRIDE'S SIDE or in a neutral location. 
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]
    I'm sorry, are they at war?  Jesus.  Tone it down, lady.  It's a wedding, not the Hatfield-McCoy reunion.
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  • burd_kburd_k member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thank you ladys for the advice, we actually can't afford a bridal suite or any type of hotel room to get ready in and we havent seen the ceremony site yet(and we are getting married the end of feb),my mom's only job(that we really really wanted her to do,) was to find a ceremony site and she waited until nov to look,and now we are waiting for an appointment to see it(it is booked, just shes the only one who has seen it,i trust her choice in church), so i dont know if it has the space and the only people who do have the space to accomodate myself ,my bridesmaids, flower girl, and my mother to get ready with me, is his grandparents.
    i never thought about random people showing up while trying to get ready! i may just knock on random peoples houses to get ready in so no one knows where we are! just joking.

    and we actually have a 2 year old already that my mom will hold and smoke with, needless to say we dont actually go to my mothers too often.

    and i know it was a little harsh, but ive just always tried to be open with my mom,and it just kind of came out and it wasnt that their house looks better, i never said to my mother the house doesnt match or that i dont like it or anything like that,i just added to her that the grandparents house will make for nice pictures and left it there.the main focus of our conversation was on that i dont want to smell like smoke.(and neither do my bridesmaids) which i tell her all the time that it bothers me. and the space issue.

    i didnt store my dress at her house for that reason, it was stored at my in-laws(which probably also bugged her), and now is stored at the seamstress' house.
    we've been planning this wedding for probably 1.5 years now and she has been on and off again about wanting to have anything to do with the wedding, or with us for that matter,depending on whether we are doing the things she wants with the wedding vs what we want, or can afford, so i guess what matters is what we can afford, and the grandparents house is about it.

    and i really do love my mother dearly, and i wish she could just bury her discomfort and get ready with us,or help find another solution other then her house, or the grandparents, so everyone can be happy.although, i know the same thing could be said about my decision, but i really can't get over the smoke, i could deal with the no space, and other things, but not the smoke.
    thank you again ladies, its good to get opinions from both sides!
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-drama-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:526a42a9-8c99-468b-8fd4-7d632c949cdePost:6103f3fd-a5c4-43e7-acb2-18f16c0fae42">Re: MOB DRAMA! Help me please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOB DRAMA! Help me please! : I'm sorry, are they at war?  Jesus.  Tone it down, lady.  It's a wedding, not the Hatfield-McCoy reunion.
    Posted by Sing2phins[/QUOTE]
    lol.
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  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm glad that you found the advice helpful.  I agree with PP's about the smoking (and I would refuse her access to my child if she was going to be smoking around her like that.  My mom's a chain smoker.  She's inflicted her smoking on me all my life and every time I come home from visiting everything I have smells like smoke.  There's no way I'm going to let her do that to my kids.)

    Friendly suggestion:  hit the enter key twice every now and then.  I was only able to skim your last post because it's a giant wall of text and hard on the eyes.  Paragraphs and white space help.
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  • edited December 2011
    My mother smokes too, and I am also planning on getting ready at her house.  It honestly never occurred to me that my dress may smell like smoke until I read this post!  I hate that I smell like smoke all the time, and my mother is very sensitive about it.  I can't even wave my hand in front of my face if the smoke is drifting my way without a sharp look and comment!  My suggestion is store your dress some where else so it won't pick up the smoke smell, ask your mother politely not to smoke in front of you while you are in your dress, and speak to your photographer about staging appropriate areas for photos.  That is what I am going to do!  I will probably keep a bottle of body spray in my bag to spritch my hair with on the way to the church as well. 
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Just FYI, it only takes a couple of hours before you start to smell like smoke if the house itself is smokey. The person doesn't have to smoke in front of you if the entire house is filled with the smoke particles already. My grandmother doesn't smoke in front of the family in her house usually but the entire house still smells like smoke, hence the smoke can still get on your clothes. I don't blame anyone who doesn't want to get ready in a house of smoke,  even if it hurts their parent's feelings. It might be their right to smoke in their house but it doesn't mean that others have to take it specially if they are trying to look and yes, smell beautiful for their wedding.

    Sorry for the semi-rant but this issue really gets to me.
  • edited December 2011
    Why is it that when it comes to weddings, people try to put in their input and get mad? It is not their day! Pe.ple really trip when it comes to weddings. They are jealous, try to be controlling,
  • courtney1188courtney1188 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-drama-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:526a42a9-8c99-468b-8fd4-7d632c949cdePost:4edeabde-4d64-4024-a8ac-acb594fc7aa3">Re: MOB DRAMA! Help me please!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why is it that when it comes to weddings, people try to put in their input and get mad? It is not their day! Pe.ple really trip when it comes to weddings. They are jealous, try to be controlling,
    Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

    Just ignore joiner. 'OMG it's ur day they are just jealous' is her standard advice regardless of what the situation is.

    I would not cave and get ready at your mother's house - the smoke is not good for you or your unborn child. If a hotel room is not an option, what about another relative on your mother's side, like an aunt or grandmother or something? You could also call the ceremony site and ask if they have any space for the bride to get ready. Most have something like this on site.
  • edited December 2011
    I doubt this is very helpful, but if I were in this situation. I'd tell my mom that even though it is her right to smoke in her own house, It's my right to get ready for my wedding where ever I choose to. I would definitely agree that you should stand you're ground. You wouldn't want to smell like smoke the rest of the day, and you really shouldn't be breathing that air in while you are preggers. with that said, I wish you the best of luck, and I hope your mom does come around.

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  • edited December 2011
    Cigarette smoke is so gross.  My father is a 2-pack-a-day smoker and whenever I visit him (he lives out of state, so I'm usually there for a few days), I come back stinking like smoke.  I have to wash everything I brought with me immediately after getting home so the smell doesn't stink up my bedroom.  And Poppy is absolutely right - smokers, especially heavy smokers, do not realize how bad they smell.  I used to smoke only a few cigarettes a day while driving with the windows down, and my SO at the time told me, after I quit, that I always smelled.  

    I agree that you shouldn't make it about the way her house looks.  The space issue I get, because I wouldn't be able to get ready at my mom's house, either for the same reason.  But the smoke is the #1 reason here.  You'll smell, your BMs will smell, and the second hand smoke can be so bad for unborn babies.  And, not to be rude, but the fact that she smokes while holding your 2 year old is incredibly disrespectful.  If my mother, father, grandmother, aunt, uncle, whatever did that, they wouldn't be allowed to hold my child.  Period.  That needs to be nipped in the bud NOW before your next child is born.

    Out of curiosity, are any of your BMs or anyone that would be attending the getting ready part asthmatic or extremely sensitive to things like smoke?  If so, that could also be added to the list of reasons.  

    Best of luck, this is definitely a sticky situation and it's a real shame that your mother is being so unreasonable.  
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