Need Advice... A little long sorry.

Dferrari17 · April 2010

So my fiance and I have been dating for two years and we got engaged at the end of March. I love him so very much and I always though I was a really understanding girlfriend. He's a very independent guy and he spends a lot of time with his friends. In general he'll generally spend 3-4 nights a week with his friends. This has never really bothered me and, although I hang out with them on occassion they like gaming and it's just not really my thing. I would rather just do my own thing and let him have his nights.

From time to time though he goes overboard and i'll go 5-6 days sometimes more withough really getting to spend time with him. This week was one of those times and Tuesday night I really just needed him to be there... he wasn't. I brought this up to him and he essentially said "if I'm going to have to ask permission for the rest of my life to do the things I want to do, then I don't want to marry you." Needless to say it hurt. A lot. He doesn't seem to understand why I'm upset and I just don't know what else to tell him.

Could this be his way of trying to break off the engagement? I can't help but think maybe he's regretting proposing to me. I don't know... I guess I'm just venting. I just know I can't go to my mom or anyone for this because if we do end up working things out they'll hold a grudge. Anything will help. I hope.

ALISON529 · April 2010

It's hard to give advice in this case because we don't know you or the dynamics with your fiance... but my gut reaction is that this is not really a "big" fight. If you're questioning your engagement over a relatively silly fight, maybe you're really questioning other things?

I think your concern is more than reasonable. Actually, I think it's a little strange that your fiance would want to go 5 days without seeing you. He has a choice of whether to play games or spend itme with you, and he is making a choice in how he spends his time. If that's just his personality, that he values "guy" time, then you should know that -- going into the marriage-- and you should also konw that his habits will not change after you're married. So--- if you're expecting him to spend more time with you when you're married, that's a recipe for disaster, IMHO.

So- i think you know the answer to this dillema. Do you want to marry this person, exactly as he is? He wants to marry you- but he's probably assuming that your lives will stay the same, and he will still be able to hang out w/ friends just as much.

PS. I also think the fact that you don't want to tell your mom or sister might show some insecurities you have about your FI. Are you trying to "cover" for his faults b/c you're afraid they don't approve? Just htinking that might mean those same things will bother you over time...

bethsmiles · April 2010

That was an immature response. I would say you need to sit down and have a discussion with him, I think you two might have some issues to work-out. Pre-marital counseling is always a good idea.

sgervais88 · April 2010

I agree with bethsmiles. Talk to your FI. We don't know him, you, or your relationship, so we can't offer much for advice. But if he is committed to you and wants to make it work with you, then you should be able to talk to him about any problems you both have. Ditto bethsmiles about the pre-marital counseling too.

luckyme502 · April 2010

I would not put up with that response. Does that mean that between now and the day you get married every time you do something he doesn't like, he is going to threaten to not marry you?

Dferrari17 · May 2010

Midgetth pretty much got it exactly. I really don't care that he hangs out with his friends or games. I do think at times hes goes overboard but really the main thing that hurt me was the comment about not wanting to marry me if "this was what it's going to be like." I never saw myself as the complaining girlfriend. I mean, he goes out 4, 5 nights a week and I never say a thing, but, you know, sometimes you just need him to be there. I talked to him and he said that I took his comment out of context... and he says that we're fine and he still wants to marry me he's just still acting distant. Last night he got up from bed to get a glass of water and never came back. I found him asleep with the door shut in the guest bedroom... I just thought it was kind of odd. For now I'm just going to play it by ear and give him a few days to cool down. I guess I'll see where it goes from here. Thanks for the words of advice girls. We are supposed to start couseling in a few months because the pastor doing out ceremony requires it so hopefully it will help. Crossing my fingers because, honestly, I really don't want to lose this one. He really is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm just hoping he still feels the same way.

Need Advice... A little long sorry.

Re: Need Advice... A little long sorry.

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