Rescinding the title of flower girl?

nbkq6bf · September 2010

I didn't really know how else to title this post and couldn't find anything else like it on any of the boards! Anyway, I'm getting married 11-11-11 and have discovered that this whole wedding planning thing is a little more than I can handle. I moved from FL to NC two years ago and none of my bridesmaids live near me nor can they travel here often to help plan or anything. I'm an only child so no sisters to help. No close friends where I live now that have gotten married in the last few years so no one really local to help. My mother is terminally ill and in an assisted living facility so she can't help. Then, to top it off, I'm on a super tight budget and can't afford a wedding planner. When I got engaged about a month ago, I figured since I had over a year, that would be plenty of time to put it all together. Oh, let me also mention that I've only been to ONE wedding in my adult life (and was a guest, never been in one) and it was a hot mess...so I can't even plan from my own experiences. I don't have a lot of married friends $:\$

Anyway, so when we got engaged, we of course told family and his sister, who lives in MO, got so very excited about the possibility of her 7 year old daughter being the flower girl. I was absolutely fine with this and said of course. I hadn't planned on making a lot of bridal party decisions so early but his sister insisted that her daughter would be sosososo excited because she's always wanted to be a flower girl and that we should call her personally to extend the invitation. I had no problem with this but didn't know she wanted it done like...that night. I know she meant well and was just excited. So whatever, I was still not grasping how hard this was all going to be so I took one for the team and we called her. When we asked her, I could hear her jumping up and down and really was super excited. Since then I got a letter from her thanking me for letting her be my flower girl and welcoming me to the family. It was all very sweet.

So now I'm honestly rethinking the whole thing. Not the flower girl thing, but the whole wedding thing. I'm so overwhelmed and discouraged that I'd rather just go somewhere with him and have it just be the two of us. There's no way to just have something small with just immediate family because his is big (mine is almost non-existent) and immediate family alone turns into a huge thing.

I'm already in tears just typing this. Had we not already invited her, I would have already called it off and would be planning our cruise wedding or something similar...and cheaper. I know it would break her heart and ultimately I'll look like a jerk but I feel like I can't have an entire wedding just to appease his sister and niece, yanno? I already asked my 3 bridesmaids but I know they won't be super upset or anything. Not having a maid of honor, not close enough to anyone, just 3 bridesmaids.

Then I start thinking about a bachelorette party, bridal shower, etc. and how I won't have any of that. I won't have the gaggle of gals with me to try on my wedding dress or to help me put favors together. It all depresses me. I can't do this all by myself.

Of course, to top it off, I've already reserved my venue, photographer, and caterer so I have $1k worth of deposits sunk into this already.

I don't know what to do. The next 13-14 months are supposed to be the happiest and most exciting months of my life, aren't they? I'm absolutely dreading all of it and just know it will cause more stress than it'll be worth. I'm already feeling the stress of it all make me sick, as I have MS and can't be under a crazy amount of stress...which I already am.

Ok, this has turned into a great big woe is me post and I don't even know what I'm asking for anymore. Is there a way to gently let the flower girl down without breaking her heart and looking like a jerk or am I really stuck now? But really, I can't walk away from $1k so I guess I'm stuck in more ways than one anyway

Sorry so long,
Emily in Winston-Salem, NC

suz62984 · September 2010

Girl I hate to tell you this but planning a wedding is not going to be the "happiest" time of your life. The happiest time will be the honeymoon after, the married life, the first baby, etc. Wedding planning is not a happy time. Often you feel alone and stressed even when people are helping. Everyone has to fight the urge at some point to say "screw this, i'm eloping." This feeling will pass!

You already have deposits down. You already asked her. I would just keep going. The best things in life take planning and determination. You don't just get wonderful things without having to work a little for them.

That being said, you don't have to have a ton of girls around you when buying dresses. In fact, it helps not to have a ton of people with you. Seldom do brides ever have friends go dress shopping with them...and when they do it usually ends in disaster. Showers and other parties can be thrown by anyone...even his family. Don't worry about the parties. yes, they are nice but not everyone gets them...even with huge families and in town BMs. National chains like David's Bridal and email are your friends. All my girls were out of town so I had them go at their leisure and try on dresses from and assortment of links I sent them. They all choose the same dress. I gave them a buy before date and all have their dresses. I didn't even have to worry about it.

You're not alone!!! Your FI needs to be helping you. It is, after all, his wedding too! If he doesn't help, won't help, or doesn't care then you have bigger problems than what you wrote and should think twice about getting married. Kicking out the flower girl will strain your relationship with all of his family. I would personally just keep planning and go with the flow. If you get stressed, need help, or need to vent that is what we are here for. This board is now your new best friend!!!

vsgal · September 2010

Checking in to make sure you are still breathing. Very good.

One other thing to remember. People will be coming at you from every direction telling you that you have to do certain things. If ever in doubt, come to the boards. Ask questions. There are things that you have to do to follow proper etiquette and ensure guest comfort. You do not have to do everything.

Don't expect everyone to agree with you on the boards. Sometimes no one will. We are not always the glittery, sparkly, every-one-of-your-ideas-are-spectacular kind of crowd. We will, however, give you the correct etiquette and sound, unbiased advice. Like breathing.

Read the stickies at the top of every board before you ask your question. Most of the time, you will find your answer there. The stickies are the first couple of posts on each board that have a thumbtack next to them. They are a good place to start.

Good luck. Keep breathing. Have a glass of wine every now and then. Shots of whiskey work as well. Ask questions. Be open to any answers you get. You will be fine.

nbkq6bf · September 2010

Thanks, everyone! I think I may have typed in circles a little and my post took a completely different direction than intended. I didn't mean to ask if I can just not have a wedding party, or any part of the wedding party, but still have a wedding with guests. It was more about...if I decide to just elope and not have anyone at all there, I'd break the flower girl's heart because there wasn't going to be a wedding. I would never continue with the wedding and uninvite any part of the WP but I think I gave that impression. I guess nothing worth having comes easy, right? It isn't that I feel like I won't enjoy my wedding without parties and such beforehand, I just want to feel like I'm enjoying my engagement and the wedding planning process, I guess. I don't have anyone here at all to share this with. FI is great and has been a really good sport about tagging along with me to meet with vendors and such. But, if I start asking his advice on decorations and set up and colors and yada yada, he's very function before fashion and regardless of what his opinion is, he will go with the least expensive option every time without even openly considering other stuff. I guess it isn't the same for guys, that's why I feel like I wish I had the kind of support than a lot of other brides do when putting this together. I don't feel confident in anything I've chosen or decided on and don't have anyone like-minded to tell me if it's great or if it sucks.

*sigh* I guess it is what it is, right? I feel like I can't turn back now so I have to keep pushing through. I have to find the motivation to pick it back up again because I lost in somewhere along the way...

emilyinchile · September 2010

This is NOT quite the crisis you're making it out to be. If you calm down and make a rational decision that you and your FI want to elope because that's what you both dream of, that's one thing. You'll have to figure out a way to do something special with your flower girl - dinner and a sleepover? manicures? - but I don't think that the worry that you'd be hurting a 7 year old's feelings is a reason to go through with an entire wedding that you don't want at all.

That said, your entire first paragraph is full of things that just don't matter, to be blunt, and I don't think you should be making the decision to elope based on all that. I live in Chile, thousands of miles away from my friends and BMs. None of them helped me plan (and as PPs have said, even if they're local, that's not part of the job description). My mom passed away, and I had no sisters or wedding planner. Yet somehow, as an adult and with the help of my FI, I managed to plan a wedding without letting it totally stress me out. It's a decision that you make: are you going to let a party ruin the entire period of your engagement and turn you into a bridezilla, or are you going to enjoy being engaged and the fun of planning a wedding and avoid the stress for the most part? I chose the latter, and hopefully you can too.

suz62984 · September 2010

nbkq6bf - Colors, flowers, dresses, etc is what the boards are here for. I pretty much settled in here and post tons of random, non wedding related stuff on here sometimes. If you need an opinion on a dress put the link down. If you need an opinion on colors write us, if you need opinions on flowers post pictures or ask us about it. You want to know what you "have" to do etiquette wise, just ask. You need to know about invitations, ask. This feeling will pass I promise. You'll be surprised how much venting and asking questions on this board can help.

My Fi was kind of like yours. He would give opinions if I asked but he wasn't overly joyed to be planning a big party; it isn't his niche. Just remember that you are never alone in this even if you don't have friends in town by your side. Just curious, what part of NC are you from? My brother lives in NC and FI is from NC.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

vsgal, you crack me up.

The only people who really care about weddings are other brides, which is why the boards are awesome. It's best to find a board whose vibe you like, get to know the posters there, and use them as your sounding board. I consider WP to be my home board (as do a lot of the regs here), so I posted a few questions here in the course of planning, wedding-party-related or not, because I trust the opinions here. If this board isn't quite to your liking, you can try your local board, your club board, the Budget Weddings board, or any of the others. It's great for vetting decisions on the little things.

Make this your mantra: It's just a party. Print it out in big giant letters and hang it over your mirror if necessary. Your guests will only notice if the food is good, if the booze is good, and if they're treated well. Everything else is for you and your FI, so if you don't care, skip it. Don't care what the girls' dresses look like? Give them some basic guidelines and let them pick their own. Don't want to hassle with flowers? Give your florist your budget and any preferences you have, and let her go nuts. Or cut out flowers altogether. And so on.

DH and I were very much on the "It's just a party" train, and he was very good about keeping me on track if I started going a little nuts. And that mindset led to a very relaxed, laid-back, and totally fun wedding day, which sadly doesn't happen for a lot of couples. But seriously, there's a whole industry out there dedicated to making you think it's much more complicated and stressful and BIG than it needs to be, so just ignore them. Pretend you're just planning a big birthday party, and go from there.

Rescinding the title of flower girl?

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