• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Customs and Traditions

Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church

My family is mad we arn't getting married at a church. They insist they are religious (which I doubt), but my fiance and I are NOT. I don't know how to appease them without being contradictory to what we believe... any advice?

Notes: I am not going to give in to what they want, etc, just looking for ideas on passages or poems that might work religiously and not,you know?
Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
«1

Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church

  • Are they paying for your wedding and therefore feel they should get a say? If they are and you don't want to do your wedding the way they want to, I would just pay for it yourself. If they are not paying anyway, I would just explain to them that you are not religious and therefore do not want to get married in a church. At the end of the day, this is one of those times when saying "It's your wedding; do it the way you want" is applicable. I think it would be....odd? to say the least to have two people who don't attend church or align themselves with a religion get married in a church. This is something I'd stand my ground on.


    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Vacation
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Stand your ground.  If you aren't religious, you shouldn't get married in a church.  It will make your ceremony feel like a lie, and it's insulting to all the people that are religious.  

    Tell your parents that you are not religious and therefore won't be getting married in a church.  If their funds are contingent on the church, turn down the funds.
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]Are they paying for your wedding and therefore feel they should get a say? If they are and you don't want to do your wedding the way they want to, I would just pay for it yourself. If they are not paying anyway, I would just explain to them that you are not religious and therefore do not want to get married in a church. At the end of the day, this is one of those times when saying "It's your wedding; do it the way you want" is applicable. I think it would be....odd? to say the least to have two people who don't attend church or align themselves with a religion get married in a church. This is something I'd stand my ground on.
    Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

    They are paying for the wedding. Exactly how I feel. I would feel disrespectful if I got married in a church and didn't believe in it. Hopefully they will just  me okay with it. Any ideas of ways I could incorporate God to make them happy?
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]Stand your ground.  If you aren't religious, you shouldn't get married in a church.  It will make your ceremony feel like a lie, and it's insulting to all the people that are religious.   Tell your parents that you are not religious and therefore won't be getting married in a church.  If their funds are contingent on the church, turn down the funds.
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    That's how I feel. I feel like it would be SO disrespectful to get married in a church or have someone bless us,etc if we don't believe it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • See if a religious figure can marry you outside the church where you have your ceremony planned.
    Sept. 13 March Siggy Challenge: hair inspiration
    Image and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]See if a religious figure can marry you outside the church where you have your ceremony planned.
    Posted by Maybone[/QUOTE]

    Wouldn't that be a bit disrespectful,though? He/she will obviously ask us what religions we are with the meeting...
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • How far are you from the wedding?  Could it be their initial reaction to it not being a church wedding?  I am sure you and FH have clearly addressed your religious plans before marriage.

    As far as your ceremony, I firmly believe that this is not a time where you appease others.  Well, minus making guest stand for hours or drain their blood or participate in human sacrafice.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church : They are paying for the wedding. Exactly how I feel. I would feel disrespectful if I got married in a church and didn't believe in it. Hopefully they will just  me okay with it. Any ideas of ways I could incorporate God to make them happy?
    Posted by quirkygrl16[/QUOTE]

    Do you both believe in God? Do you want your ceremony (even if outside a church) to have religious aspects? What are your beliefs? You don't have to answer all those questions here, but think about them. If I didn't believe in God, I wouldn't bring God into my wedding ceremony, KWIM? I really don't think you should try to incorporate something you don't believe in into your wedding to appease your parents. Again, stand your ground on what you want. This may mean politely declining your parents' funds and paying for it yourself.


    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Vacation
  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited June 2012
    DH and I did not have a religious ceremony as we do not currently practice the faith in which we grew up.  This was not an issue for my parents, who helped us pay for the wedding, but was, initially, a problem for my ILs.  It was a long and emotional conversation to explain to them why we were choosing not to get married in church.  We focused a lot on "we" statements - and compromised that we would be blessed by their priest the next day and that we would do our pre-marital program in the church.

    In our civil service, we used the reading from Corinthians (the "love is patient, love is kind" verse) and we began our service with the poem by Robert Louis Stevenson called "A Wedding Prayer" because we liked their messages.  I think there are a lot of readings, poems, song verses that are spiritual without being overly or overtly religious. 

    If you haven't settled on a location for your ceremony, you could see if there are any nondenominational chapels or spaces in your area.  This might give your family the church feel but allow you to select your own officiant or use a justice of the peace, depending on how the space is managed.
    image
    Anniversary


  • I am religious, but my FI isn't. We decided not to get married in a church, which was a little difficult for my family to understand at first. We are getting marries outside. To incorporate some religious aspects, we are using Wedding Prayer by Robert Lois Stevenson. One of our readings is a secular poem, and the other is from Ecclesiastes. It is about love, but its mention of God is much more subdued. I can't remember thr exact verses, but if you Google Ecclesiastes wedding reading, you will find it. I think you could incorporate a few touches like this to make your family happy without being untrue to yourself.
  • Many churches will not allow you to get married if you do not believe in God anyways. I wasn't going to do a church wedding, not necessarily for your reasons, but in the end my parents were paying for everything and I did what ended up feeling best for them in the end. If you are very strongly rooted against it they should understand that. If you are not though you should at least understand where they are coming from. Perhaps there are chapels in your area that are not actual "churches" but are used for weddings.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • If you are doing readings, you could incorporate a passage from a religious text, or a prayer (like the Prayer of St. Francis). My husband and I are agnostic, but there were some readings with religious tones that we liked. We ended up going all-secular, though.

    Only do this if you are comfortable with it.
    my read shelf:
    Meredith's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    40/112

    Photobucket
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]How far are you from the wedding?  Could it be their initial reaction to it not being a church wedding?  I am sure you and FH have clearly addressed your religious plans before marriage. As far as your ceremony, I firmly believe that this is not a time where you appease others.  Well, minus making guest stand for hours or drain their blood or participate in human sacrafice.
    Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]

    We are not getting married until next october, so i'm hoping that's what it is. We have talked religion extensively (My fiance and I)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church : Do you both believe in God? Do you want your ceremony (even if outside a church) to have religious aspects? What are your beliefs? You don't have to answer all those questions here, but think about them. If I didn't believe in God, I wouldn't bring God into my wedding ceremony, KWIM? I really don't think you should try to incorporate something you don't believe in into your wedding to appease your parents. Again, stand your ground on what you want. This may mean politely declining your parents' funds and paying for it yourself.
    Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

    Thank you for the insight. It eased my mind a bit. :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]DH and I did not have a religious ceremony as we do not currently practice the faith in which we grew up.  This was not an issue for my parents, who helped us pay for the wedding, but was, initially, a problem for my ILs.  It was a long and emotional conversation to explain to them why we were choosing not to get married in church.  We focused a lot on "we" statements - and compromised that we would be blessed by their priest the next day and that we would do our pre-marital program in the church. In our civil service, we used the reading from Corinthians (the "love is patient, love is kind" verse) and we began our service with the poem by Robert Louis Stevenson called "A Wedding Prayer" because we liked their messages.  I think there are a lot of readings, poems, song verses that are spiritual without being overly or overtly religious.  If you haven't settled on a location for your ceremony, you could see if there are any nondenominational chapels or spaces in your area.  This might give your family the church feel but allow you to select your own officiant or use a justice of the peace, depending on how the space is managed.
    Posted by JaclyneD[/QUOTE]

    Thanks. I'm hoping maybe I can find a reading or two to relax them.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • In Response to Re:Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]I am religious, but my FI isn't. We decided not to get married in a church, which was a little difficult for my family to understand at first. We are getting marries outside. To incorporate some religious aspects, we are using Wedding Prayer by Robert Lois Stevenson. One of our readings is a secular poem, and the other is from Ecclesiastes. It is about love, but its mention of God is much more subdued. I can't remember thr exact verses, but if you Google Ecclesiastes wedding reading, you will find it. I think you could incorporate a few touches like this to make your family happy without being untrue to yourself.
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

    Thank you!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church : Exactly this.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    Thanks!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]Many churches will not allow you to get married if you do not believe in God anyways. I wasn't going to do a church wedding, not necessarily for your reasons, but in the end my parents were paying for everything and I did what ended up feeling best for them in the end. If you are very strongly rooted against it they should understand that. If you are not though you should at least understand where they are coming from. Perhaps there are chapels in your area that are not actual "churches" but are used for weddings.
    Posted by roseofdeborah[/QUOTE]

    That's what i told them. They wouldn't let us get married there anyways!! I'm hopinh over time they will get it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]If you are doing readings, you could incorporate a passage from a religious text, or a prayer (like the Prayer of St. Francis). My husband and I are agnostic, but there were some readings with religious tones that we liked. We ended up going all-secular, though. Only do this if you are comfortable with it.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    Thanks!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • Seriously? Posts like this annoy the crap out of me.

    If you're not mature enough to stand up to your parents about your personal beliefs, how the hell do you figure you're mature enough to be married?  If your parents want to see a wedding in a church they can renew their own vows. As an adult you're not required to bow down to their demands...you should know this.

    And even as an Atheist I'm offended that you would consider going along with a church ceremony when you're not religious. Your ceremony and your vows are not a damn show, they're serious. Grow up before walking down the damn aisle. FFS
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church : This to me is absolutely no better than getting married in a church to make them happy.  It is just as offensive, personally. If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to stand your ground and tell your parents you do not believe as they do.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Wow. I didn't mean to the extent of having prayer or anything, I was asking along the line of passages that may have a meaning both religiously and in general.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]Seriously? Posts like this annoy the crap out of me. If you're not mature enough to stand up to your parents about your personal beliefs, how the hell do you figure you're mature enough to be married?  If your parents want to see a wedding in a church they can renew their own vows. As an adult you're not required to bow down to their demands...you should know this. And even as an Atheist I'm offended that you would consider going along with a church ceremony when you're not religious. Your ceremony and your vows are not a damn show, they're serious. Grow up before walking down the damn aisle. FFS
    Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]

    There was no need for a comment like this. I AM mature enough to stand up for my own beliefs, and was never going to go along with a church ceremony. EVER. I'm well aware my vows are serious and not a 'damn show' as you say.   They never 'demanded' anything, but were a bit upset we were not having a church wedding. In the end they know it is MY CHOICE. I was just trying to find passages or poems or anything like that,that could maybe ease their minds, but would also allow us to have what WE want. The hostility is not needed, nor welcome on this post.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]Many churches will not allow you to get married if you do not believe in God anyways. I wasn't going to do a church wedding, not necessarily for your reasons, but in the end my parents were paying for everything and I did what ended up feeling best for them in the end. If you are very strongly rooted against it they should understand that. If you are not though you should at least understand where they are coming from. Perhaps there are chapels in your area that are not actual "churches" but are used for weddings.
    Posted by roseofdeborah[/QUOTE]
    I was going to suggest this as well. There's a chapel in my area that is owned by the city as a historical building and they rent it out. I went to a secular wedding there and it was beautiful.
    I have a similar situation, in that fi and I are both atheist, but his mom is decidedly not. She worries" about us, and hopes we come around, and since she's a delightful woman, I don't want to rub her face in our lack of belief. Luckily since we are marrying in Vegas we are doing the chapel thing, but are having secular vows. It makes her happy, we're happy, and it's all good.
    Photobucket photo 899306-2148.jpg
    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
  • I'm sure we're going to ruffle a few feathers being married outdoors, not in a church like various assorted family members would prefer, but it's about how you two visualize your day and what you are comfortable with :)  I'm a total different faith than anyone in my family, and well, his too, but I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable so I'm not going overboard with it. Being outdoors is plenty for me :)   A good officiant may be able to help you out with some stuff, I did some digging on Wedding Wire and found ours :)   We found one that tailors ceremonies to the couple, taking tons of things into consideration, and she can do everything from full on Holy Union ceremonies to Pagan hand-fastings to totally non-religious and anything inbetween.  Technically we're being married by an ordained minister, but we won't be doing anything we don't believe in. Regardless of the officiant's faith, she can do it all, which made her so much more appealing to us. I like the idea of some of the writings that are based in faith but aren't overpowering with it. Hopefully your family will come around and realize that you two being true to yourselves is more important than being forced to cave to their pressure on a location. If you have to put them in your shoes ('would you want to be married at X-Location because your family wanted you to but you had dreams of something else?') than do it. Your profile says you're getting married next year, at least you've got some time on your side to help them understand :)  I wish you lots of luck :) 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church : I was going to suggest this as well. There's a chapel in my area that is owned by the city as a historical building and they rent it out. I went to a secular wedding there and it was beautiful. I have a similar situation, in that fi and I are both atheist, but his mom is decidedly not. She worries" about us, and hopes we come around, and since she's a delightful woman, I don't want to rub her face in our lack of belief. Luckily since we are marrying in Vegas we are doing the chapel thing, but are having secular vows. It makes her happy, we're happy, and it's all good.
    Posted by coopsbaby[/QUOTE]

    My family 'worries' about us as well, as if we are these devil worshipping people or something (Though if that's what anyone worships, they can. I have no issues with it)  Yay for all happiness. I think when I talk to my officiant i'll bring it up,see if they have any ideas.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]I'm sure we're going to ruffle a few feathers being married outdoors, not in a church like various assorted family members would prefer, but it's about how you two visualize your day and what you are comfortable with :)  I'm a total different faith than anyone in my family, and well, his too, but I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable so I'm not going overboard with it. Being outdoors is plenty for me :)   A good officiant may be able to help you out with some stuff, I did some digging on Wedding Wire and found ours :)   We found one that tailors ceremonies to the couple, taking tons of things into consideration, and she can do everything from full on Holy Union ceremonies to Pagan hand-fastings to totally non-religious and anything inbetween.  Technically we're being married by an ordained minister, but we won't be doing anything we don't believe in. Regardless of the officiant's faith, she can do it all, which made her so much more appealing to us. I like the idea of some of the writings that are based in faith but aren't overpowering with it. Hopefully your family will come around and realize that you two being true to yourselves is more important than being forced to cave to their pressure on a location. If you have to put them in your shoes ('would you want to be married at X-Location because your family wanted you to but you had dreams of something else?') than do it. Your profile says you're getting married next year, at least you've got some time on your side to help them understand :)  I wish you lots of luck :) 
    Posted by pomundson0[/QUOTE]

    You are SO sweet. The officiant we are looking at is an Ordained Minister at well and like yours, does it all. I hope we can figure something out. Ahh! Your wedding is SO soon!! I hope everything works out perfectly for you!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • We took the original APACHE BLESSING (below) and re-structured the verses (see editted version below):

    ORIGINAL:
    Now you will feel no rain,
    for each of you will be shelter for the other.
    Now you will feel no cold,
    for each of you will be warmth to the other.
    Now there will be no loneliness,
    for each of you will be companion to the other.
    Now you are two persons,
    but there is only one life before you.
    May beauty surround you both in the
    journey ahead and through all the years,
    May happiness be your companion and
    your days together be good and long upon the earth.
    Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and
    remind yourselves often of what brought you together.
    Give the highest priority to the tenderness,
    gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves.
    When frustration, difficulties and fear assail your relationship,
    as they threaten all relationships at one time or another,
    remember to focus on what is right between you,
    not only the part which seems wrong.
    In this way, you can ride out the storms when
    clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives - remembering that
    even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there.
    And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your
    life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight.
    -----------
    Apache Blessing - ed
     
    EDITTED VERSION:

    Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and
    remind yourselves often of what brought you together.
    Give the highest priority to the tenderness,
    gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves.
    When frustration, difficulties and fear assail your relationship,
    as they threaten all relationships at one time or another,
    remember to focus on what is right between you,
    not only the part which seems wrong.
    In this way, you can ride out the storms when
    clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives - remembering that
    even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there.
    And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your
    life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight.
    May beauty surround you both in the
    journey ahead and through all the years,
    May happiness be your companion and
    your days together be good and long upon the earth.
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]We took the original APACHE BLESSING (below) and re-structured the verses (see editted version below): ORIGINAL: Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other. Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you. May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years, May happiness be your companion and your days together be good and long upon the earth. Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together. Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves. When frustration, difficulties and fear assail your relationship, as they threaten all relationships at one time or another, remember to focus on what is right between you, not only the part which seems wrong. In this way, you can ride out the storms when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives - remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there. And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight. ----------- Apache Blessing - ed   EDITTED VERSION: Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together. Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves. When frustration, difficulties and fear assail your relationship, as they threaten all relationships at one time or another, remember to focus on what is right between you, not only the part which seems wrong. In this way, you can ride out the storms when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives - remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there. And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight. May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years, May happiness be your companion and your days together be good and long upon the earth.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    Both versions are beautiful!! Thanks so much for the idea.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • In Response to Re: Family is upset we arn't getting married at a church:
    [QUOTE]Seriously? Posts like this annoy the crap out of me. If you're not mature enough to stand up to your parents about your personal beliefs, how the hell do you figure you're mature enough to be married?  If your parents want to see a wedding in a church they can renew their own vows. As an adult you're not required to bow down to their demands...you should know this. And even as an Atheist I'm offended that you would consider going along with a church ceremony when you're not religious. Your ceremony and your vows are not a damn show, they're serious. Grow up before walking down the damn aisle. FFS
    Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]

    Seriously?  Listen, I am a fellow Atheist and I would think that you would understand how difficult it can be to share the news that you're an atheist with your religious family. It is literally like coming out of the closet for a gay person whose family is opposed to their lifestyle.   Consider this: there have been openly gay politicians elected to national office.  How many openly atheistic politicians are there?  Um, none.  It's really hard to say you don't believe in God in a country where the population is overwhelmingly religious.  Many people's family's react with sadness and even anger to the news.   Frankly if I thought it would ruin my relationship with my family, I would not let a recitation of the Lords Prayer (or whatever) be the reason I am no longer on speaking terms with my family. 
    OP, I completely understand being nervous about how your family will handle the news.   And, heck, if you don't believe in God but "prayers" don't offend you, who cares if you want to incorporate a blessing into the wedding.   But I do agree not to bend on the getting married in a church thing.  That would be disrespectful to the church and its followers.   For our part, we let the judge who married us outside give a "blessing" for the marriage and I think she might have begun with "Let us pray" and mentioned God.  It didn't bother me. And if something like that wouldn't bother YOU then that's all that matters. 
  • That Apache blessing is lovely. There is one called 'Blessing of the Hands' that is nice, too. I am betting your officiant (who sounds very knowledgeablea about just this very thing) will have suggestions as well. Good luck!

    image
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards