Reception seating: culture clash

cpblanco · July 2012

I'm less than 2 weeks away from our wedding, and FI and I are trying to resolve a clash of cultures regarding the head table at the reception. FI is Spanish, I am American, and we are getting married in Spain. In Spain, the bride and groom typically sit with the bride's parents, the groom's parents, the priest, and the godparents - but at the very least the table includes bride, groom, and the 4 parents. Much less frequently the bride and groom sit alone.

And, well, I can't help but be American - the options for me were B&G and the bridal party (we nixxed this for a number of reasons), or B&G alone. Sitting with our parents to me is weird, really forces the blending of families aspect (which I know we are, but I feel like WE are blending the families, not our parents), and I don't particularly want to share my wedding dinner with my in-laws. Not to mention the 6 of us would be sitting in a semi-circle or at a rectangular table, and so two people are inevitably at the end, next to only one person, and I really dislike that. So the natural choice for me was the overlap of our cultures: we sit alone.

However, FI really doesn't like this option at all - he feels it'll really disappointment his parents and that it's wrong not to honor our parents (all of whom are helping pay) by including them at the head table. We've been trying to find a 'compromise' but it seems with this it's more a matter of conceding than of finding something in the middle (either parents are there or they're not). We're both trying to compromise, but we also both know that one option is one partner's least favorite of all possible scenarios.

Any thoughts/ideas as we continue this discussion??

Snippylynn · July 2012

Honestly, just do it. You willl spend so little time at the table anyway that it's not worth pissing people off or causing stress to fight this. I think you've chosen a battle that just doesn't need to be fought.

cpblanco · July 2012

I had thought about the time factor - before I realized that the dinner will be 3 hours. Not dinner + dancing = 3 hours. Dinner alone is 3 hours (which is totally normal in Spain), and dancing follows in a separate location. So while we will be moving around the guests' tables in between courses, we will also be eating a multi-course meal for 3 hours.

And doesn't our being away from the head table make things more awkward, and not less? We'd be leaving a half-empty table to create a table with my parents on one side, and his parents on the other.

Snippylynn · July 2012

Blanco, I lived in Italy for three years, and they do the same thing. As do the Brits and many other cultures in Europe. You are really just overthinking this, and perhaps trying to force something into a box that you recognize. This really isn't a big deal in the long run, and not worth the stress you are having over it. Your parents are all adults, and know how to deal with a situation such as this. If not? It's not up to you to teach either of the parents manners.

Mrs.B6302007 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-seating-culture-clash?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4be1429a-04ef-40f4-8986-ed0924c3f6b3Post:cd270f9b-48fa-4219-b362-e7ca6621b35d">Reception seating: culture clash</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm less than 2 weeks away from our wedding, and FI and I are trying to resolve a clash of cultures regarding the head table at the reception. FI is Spanish, I am American, and we are getting married in Spain. In Spain, the bride and groom typically sit with the bride's parents, the groom's parents, the priest, and the godparents - but at the very least the table includes bride, groom, and the 4 parents. Much less frequently the bride and groom sit alone. And, well, I can't help but be American - the options for me were B&G and the bridal party (we nixxed this for a number of reasons), or B&G alone. <strong>Sitting with our parents to me is weird, really forces the blending of families aspect (which I know we are, but I feel like WE are blending the families, not our parents), and I don't particularly want to share my wedding dinner with my in-laws.</strong> Not to mention the 6 of us would be sitting in a semi-circle or at a rectangular table, and so two people are inevitably at the end, next to only one person, and I really dislike that. So the natural choice for me was the overlap of our cultures: we sit alone. However, FI really doesn't like this option at all - he feels it'll really disappointment his parents and that it's wrong not to honor our parents (all of whom are helping pay) by including them at the head table. We've been trying to find a 'compromise' but it seems with this it's more a matter of conceding than of finding something in the middle (either parents are there or they're not). We're both trying to compromise, but we also both know that one option is one partner's least favorite of all possible scenarios. Any thoughts/ideas as we continue this discussion??
Posted by cpblanco[/QUOTE]

When in Rome. I also have to ask why you don't want to eat with your inlaws? I would also be very careful when speaking to your FI's family. If you use words like "weird" like you did here, you are going to insult them. Just because a cultural tradition is different from yours doesn't make it weird.

cpblanco · July 2012

Yeah, when in Rome, but the rest of the ceremony and reception is a mix of cultures, just like our marriage is. I don't think "when in Rome" is a good enough reason when half the couple and half of the guests are non-Spanish.

My FI has been the one doing the talking the one time this came up with his family, and I know better than to say culturally insensitive things like that to them (too bad this doesn't go for them saying things to me). What I meant is it's weird to me, i.e., I will feel weird, but apparently this only matters to me.

Snippylynn · July 2012

I think no one else is understanding why this ONE thing is such an enormous issue. I just don't get it.

Seriously. It's dinner. Move on already.

cpblanco · July 2012

It's not some enormous issue. (We're more worried about the wedding favors that are held up in Madrid where they've been categorized as inventory for resale...) We've just been collecting final RSVPs and have started working on the seating chart, and this is part of that. Thanks for your input.

Mrs.B6302007 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-seating-culture-clash?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4be1429a-04ef-40f4-8986-ed0924c3f6b3Post:a0d14239-f260-4b9b-8a5c-7d51c6bb3795">Re: Reception seating: culture clash</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, when in Rome, but the rest of the ceremony and reception is a mix of cultures, just like our marriage is. I don't think "when in Rome" is a good enough reason when half the couple and half of the guests are non-Spanish. My FI has been the one doing the talking the one time this came up with his family, and I know better than to say culturally insensitive things like that to them (too bad this doesn't go for them saying things to me). What I meant is it's weird to me, i.e., I will feel weird,<strong> but apparently this only matters to me.</strong>
Posted by cpblanco[/QUOTE]

Don't do that. Don't play the martyr.

Im 100% with Snippy on this. It's not a life-altering decision.

m tulli · July 2012

My thoughts are this. Your FI said it would be an insult to his parents. Do you really want to start of the marriage that way. There going to be your in laws so they wont be going away. I would just give on this to keep the peace.

Are there any other area's were you are not in agreement. If so maybe give him this one if he gives you the other.

Bottom line is I think you need to give this one to his family. Your not giving in to something that will be an insult in our culture but by him caving it would be in his.

Like you said it's really not a big deal in the grand planning.

kmmssg · July 2012

You are talking 3 hours here. You are also talking about possibly insulting your new husband's in laws. In my book that's all I need to know. You are making a huge mountain out of a molehill here because it isn't a mix of cultures, it is only his. It is only 3 hours and you will insult people if you don't. Let this go.

MoonlightSilver · July 2012

Would it be possible to do a King's Table? That way your inlaws and parents are sitting across from each other instead of around each other, which makes conversation a little easier?

Also, if you do a round table, you don't have to leave an opening on one side. Just fill up the whole table. This would also decrease the gap and people on the end problem.

We sat my parents, inlaws and our siblings all at the same table. They said it was a great idea, and they loved getting to chat together. If we hadn't sat with our bridal party, I would have sat with them.

jmp2004 · July 2012

Why the comment about not wanting share your wedding dinner with his parents? That really sounds like you just don't like them, and that this is your way of telling them so.

Why wouldn't the parents of the B&G want to sit together? It seems like a fantastic opportunity for them to get to know each other and each other's families, especially with them living on different continents.

MyUserName1 · July 2012

I don't understand why this of all things is the hill you want to die on. Why would you want to begin your marriage by publically insulting and snubbing his parents? (Which is what it will look like to the portion of the guest list who is Spanish)

Also, I'm extraordinarily American. Both of my parent's families have been in this country for at LEAST 200 years, some portions since the 1600s. H's family is Italian American and every family member attending our wedding was born here. I say this so you know that this wasn't a cultrual thing- We sat my parents and grandfather with his parents and grandmothers. Everyone LOVED it. Every single person at that table excluding his one grandmother who couldn't say anything nice if her life depended on it gushed about how great of an idea it was to sit them all together and how much they loved getting the chance to get to know one another. Our parents had only met once before the rehearsal dinner too, so it's not like they knew each other.

jessicabessica · July 2012

Can you sit at a round table with both sets of parents? As a way to compromise on traditions, could you sit with both sets of parents, plus your MOH/her SO and BM/his SO?

My BIL and SIL sat at a round table with both sets of parents and the priest at their (American) wedding. We sat with our siblings and their SOs at a round table at our American wedding. You sound like you want to insult his parents at your wedding by not sitting with them. I think you need to get over your issues with your in laws, and even if you can't, intentionally snubbing them on your wedding day is something I think will seriously hinder ever having a better relationship with them.

lyndausvi · July 2012

I wish understood the issue. i really do. I just don't get what the big deal with sitting for 3 hours with your in-laws

Soon2BeMrsTing · July 2012

OP, I'm as American as they come (thirteen generations in New England, on both sides) and I have non-American in-laws too. No, you cannot help but "be American," but you can choose to flex on the issues which mean a minor sacrifice or concession for yourself but which will go a long way toward laying a foundation of trust, favor and respect with your FI's family. They, after all, are about to become your family. I really don't understand why you're holding onto the seating issue so tightly, when it's clearly something that would please and bless your in-laws and your FI, too. Let this one go.

katehar01 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-seating-culture-clash?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4be1429a-04ef-40f4-8986-ed0924c3f6b3Post:6ac3fafa-d2fc-4501-8b55-71af787ee985">Re: Reception seating: culture clash</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you sit at a round table with both sets of parents? As a way to compromise on traditions, could you sit with both sets of parents, plus your MOH/her SO and BM/his SO?
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

I second this idea. That would be a good compromise that would incorporate American "traditions" and not insult his family.

pearlaqua · July 2012

I'm not getting where not sitting with FILs is "American".

If by "American" you mean playing the stereotype that Europeans have of Americans as "being selfish" or "ungrateful", then I don't think you can make that assertion that sitting with your FI's family is by nature weird or contrary to "American culture".

Also, many people (American or not) don't have the privilege of having their parents at the wedding with them to share in the day.

I did, I loved it. Some of my cousins, not so much and it was a sorrowful note on a joyous day to think of beloved parents not being alive to celebrate the marriage.

If you were trying to sound like a spolied brat princess, you've done it. Except in American we don't have royalty. Spain does, though.

Get over it.

cpblanco · July 2012

Nowhere did I ever say anyone was insulted. I wrote that FI said they'd be disappointed - the same way my parents were disappointed that we aren't having a religious ceremony, or that I was disappointed that we can't pick anything about the cake. Just not what was expected, not insulted. FMIL is also not Spanish, so we're all very familiar with making concessions and being sensitive to everyone else.

I'm not sure what I said to make everyone thing I'm living and dying by this decision. I had a question that my FI and I were having trouble deciding, we had different visions, and I asked for opinions here since I had received good feedback in the past. There's nothing to get over.

pearlaqua · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-seating-culture-clash?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4be1429a-04ef-40f4-8986-ed0924c3f6b3Post:61016994-6b6c-40b4-b29b-c4e86f52e5e5">Re: Reception seating: culture clash</a>:
[QUOTE]Nowhere did I ever say anyone was insulted. I wrote that FI said they'd be disappointed - the same way my parents were disappointed that we aren't having a religious ceremony, or that I was disappointed that we can't pick anything about the cake. Just not what was expected, not insulted. FMIL is also not Spanish, so we're all very familiar with making concessions and being sensitive to everyone else. I'm not sure what I said to make everyone thing I'm living and dying by this decision. I had a question that my FI and I were having trouble deciding, we had different visions, and I asked for opinions here since I had received good feedback in the past. There's nothing to get over.
Posted by cpblanco[/QUOTE]

See, when you couch something in your original post as this insurmountable culture clash, it adds a lot of drama.

The way your wrote it just now? That would've probably netted responses along the lines of "Oh, you have a preference and your FILs have a certain vision... no biggie, talk to everyone." Or something.

Seating arrangements are not the same as a religious ceremony or not religious ceremony (if religion is important to your parents), that would seem like something to need outsiders' help with dealing with.

You say that there isn't a huge cultural difference (1/2 of your FILs aren't Spanish), that it isn't the biggest concession/point of difference in your wedding planning, and yet your first post made it sound like it was THE BIGGEST DEAL to have to sit with your FILs. Like they were demanding you eat meat despite being a committed vegetarian, or were demanding a dollar dance because the culture expects it.

So you see given the low stakes of your original query made you seem snotty, entitled, and looking for validation to not have to share the spotlight with your FILs.

At least to some people.

jessicabessica · July 2012

You said in your OP, "I don't particularly want to share my wedding dinner with my in-laws." That's pretty insulting. If your future ILs aren't insulted yet, just keep interacting with them with your current attitude, I'm sure they'll get there.

DramaGeek · July 2012

Do a round table with you and your fi, his parents, your parents, and your BM/SO and MOH/SO. That's a blending of traditions.

MrsGandthebeag · July 2012

Do his parents live in Spain and you in the US? If so, you'll probably never see them, so I would do them the favor of sitting with them at dinner. Even if this isn't the case, I'd still sit with them.

Snippylynn · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-seating-culture-clash?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4be1429a-04ef-40f4-8986-ed0924c3f6b3Post:8005a2af-0973-4056-9f10-ec5b4f98ef22">Re: Reception seating: culture clash</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Reception seating: culture clash : See, when you couch something in your original post as this insurmountable culture clash, it adds a lot of drama. The way your wrote it just now? That would've probably netted responses along the lines of "Oh, you have a preference and your FILs have a certain vision... no biggie, talk to everyone." Or something. Seating arrangements are not the same as a religious ceremony or not religious ceremony (if religion is important to your parents), that would seem like something to need outsiders' help with dealing with. You say that there isn't a huge cultural difference (1/2 of your FILs aren't Spanish), that it isn't the biggest concession/point of difference in your wedding planning, and yet your first post made it sound like it was THE BIGGEST DEAL to have to sit with your FILs. Like they were demanding you eat meat despite being a committed vegetarian, or were demanding a dollar dance because the culture expects it. So you see given the low stakes of your original query made you seem snotty, entitled, and looking for validation to not have to share the spotlight with your FILs. At least to some people.
Posted by pearlaqua[/QUOTE]
All of this. Precisely.

JoanE2012 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-seating-culture-clash?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4be1429a-04ef-40f4-8986-ed0924c3f6b3Post:cd270f9b-48fa-4219-b362-e7ca6621b35d">Reception seating: culture clash</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm less than 2 weeks away from our wedding, and FI and I are trying to resolve a clash of cultures regarding the head table at the reception. FI is Spanish, I am American, and we are getting married in Spain. In Spain, the bride and groom typically sit with the bride's parents, the groom's parents, the priest, and the godparents - but at the very least the table includes bride, groom, and the 4 parents. Much less frequently the bride and groom sit alone. And, well, I can't help but be American - the options for me were B&G and the bridal party (we nixxed this for a number of reasons), or B&G alone. Sitting with our parents to me is weird, really forces the blending of families aspect (which I know we are, but I feel like WE are blending the families, not our parents), and<strong> I don't particularly want to share my wedding dinner with my in-laws.</strong> Not to mention the 6 of us would be sitting in a semi-circle or at a rectangular table, and so two people are inevitably at the end, next to only one person, and I really dislike that. So the natural choice for me was the overlap of our cultures: we sit alone. However, FI really doesn't like this option at all - he feels it'll really disappointment his parents and that it's wrong not to honor our parents <strong>(</strong>all of whom are helping pay<strong>)</strong> by including them at the head table. We've been trying to find a 'compromise' but it seems with this it's more a matter of conceding than of finding something in the middle (either parents are there or they're not). We're both trying to compromise, but we also both know that one option is one partner's least favorite of all possible scenarios. Any thoughts/ideas as we continue this discussion??
Posted by cpblanco[/QUOTE]

So they're good enough to accept money from but not to eat dinner with?

melb2013 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-seating-culture-clash?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4be1429a-04ef-40f4-8986-ed0924c3f6b3Post:cd270f9b-48fa-4219-b362-e7ca6621b35d">Reception seating: culture clash</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm less than 2 weeks away from our wedding, and FI and I are trying to resolve a clash of cultures regarding the head table at the reception. FI is Spanish, I am American, and we are getting married in Spain. In Spain, the bride and groom typically sit with the bride's parents, the groom's parents, the priest, and the godparents - but at the very least <strong>the table includes bride, groom, and the 4 parents.</strong> Much less frequently the bride and groom sit alone. And, well, I can't help but be American - the options for me were B&G and the bridal party (we nixxed this for a number of reasons), or B&G alone. Sitting with our parents to me is weird, really forces the blending of families aspect (which I know we are, but I feel like WE are blending the families, not our parents), and I don't particularly want to share my wedding dinner with my in-laws. Not to mention the 6 of us would be sitting in a semi-circle or at a rectangular table, and so two people are inevitably at the end, next to only one person, and I really dislike that. So the natural choice for me was the overlap of our cultures: we sit alone. However, FI really doesn't like this option at all - he feels it'll really disappointment his parents and that it's wrong not to honor our parents (all of whom are helping pay) by including them at the head table. We've been trying to find a 'compromise' but it seems with this it's more a matter of conceding than of finding something in the middle (either parents are there or they're not). We're both trying to compromise, but we also both know that one option is one partner's least favorite of all possible scenarios. Any thoughts/ideas as we continue this discussion??
Posted by cpblanco[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is what we're doing. Honestly, I personally don't get the sweetheart table thing. And that certainly isn't "American". It's just new. 30 years ago, I don't think anybody even knew what a sweetheart table was- people sat with their bridal party or parents. I didn't start attending weddings with a sweetheart table until 10 years ago... and the first few I attended like that, guests kept talking about how strange it was that the bride and groom wanted to sit alone.</div><div>
</div><div>Is it really that big of a deal where you sit? Nobody will be offended if you sit with both of your parents, but obviously some people will be offended if you don't. This isn't that big of a thing for you to give in on.</div><div>Edited: clarity

</div>

Maybone · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-seating-culture-clash?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4be1429a-04ef-40f4-8986-ed0924c3f6b3Post:1f403e9d-4faf-4b2c-be1c-2f57b03e94f3">Re: Reception seating: culture clash</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Do a round table with you and your fi, his parents, your parents, and your BM/SO and MOH/SO. That's a blending of traditions.</strong>
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

THIS! And don't put anymore thought into it.

cpblanco · July 2012

Oh God, everyone. It's not about me not liking them or wanting to take their money but not eat with them - I had this romantic idea of dinner together in what will be a chaotic, exciting day with little time alone.

MOH has no significant other and FI isn't choosing a BM. No go.

Snippylynn · July 2012

Dude. Your dinner won't be romantic. H and I had a sweetheart table, and we barely got to eat with people coming up to us, and us doing table visits.

Whatever your attitude now is NOT the attitude you made it appear in your first post. Clearly, you don't want to hear what anyone is saying so do whatever the eff you want. Jesus.

Mrs.B6302007 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-seating-culture-clash?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4be1429a-04ef-40f4-8986-ed0924c3f6b3Post:88d5f2d7-592e-4c74-8d72-06fd33ee7a22">Re: Reception seating: culture clash</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh God, everyone. It's not about me not liking them or wanting to take their money but not eat with them - I had this romantic idea of dinner together in what will be a chaotic, exciting day with little time alone. MOH has no significant other and FI isn't choosing a BM. No go.
Posted by cpblanco[/QUOTE]

Snippy's right. A sweetheart table will not guarantee romance. We had one and people came up and talked to us (small room so it was close to the buffet line) while we were trying to eat. We ate cold food because we didn't want to be rude and not talk to them. That's certainly not what I envisioned for the wedding day. But, we had a wonderful HM together and all the time alone we wanted so there were plenty of other romantic meals together.

All of that to say, it's really not as much "your day" (general you, not just OP) as you think it will be because you're hosting your guests. Just go with the flow and remember that you have lotsof alone time after the wedding.

Reception seating: culture clash

Re: Reception seating: culture clash

Choose Another Board

Search Boards