don't want anyone left out!!

shanliann · April 2012

We are getting married in Septemeber. We will have a small ceremony and then larger dinner/reception.

We have a small wedding party just us and our best friends as maid of honor and best man.

My thing is, the Best Man just got married. I love his wife she is the sweetest ever!! My thing is, I don't want to leave her all alone during dinner. I guess it won't really matter if she is sitting alone during the ceremony because it will be quick and not a "social" thing but during dinner is what I am worried about.

She has met my FI's family(siblings) but it has probably been at least 5 years since they've seen each other.

We aren't doing assigned seating so I just worry she will end up at a table full of people she doesn't know and if that were me I'd be so uncomfortable!!

I'm sure someone else has encountered this and has an awesome solution!!!

AdeleDazeem · April 2012

Why yes... I have a few solutions.

1. No head table. You and your new husband sit at a table alone and let your wedding party sit with their dates.

2. Head table + dates.

NOLAbridealmost · April 2012

Just seat her with you and the rest of the WP. It's just one extra person. It's kind of crappy to be at a celebration of love and be separated from your own partner.

lyndausvi · April 2012

ditto PP.

Easy

crnflkgirl75 · April 2012

Two words: sweetheart table.

ceh789 · April 2012

Your BM and MoH should both be seated with their dates.

misssunshine17 · April 2012

You can also do a family 'head' table. I plan on having FI & I, our parents on each side of us and our siblings & SOs on the other side of our parents. As PPs, have said, definitely seat them together.

HockeyFan4 · April 2012

when you say you are having a smaller ceremony and larger reception, just who are you inviting to the ceremony?

This is really only acceptable if it is just you immediate family invited to the ceremony (parents, siblings, grandparents) and no one else.

shanliann · April 2012

my problem is, my maid of honor is single. and i don't want her feeling like the "odd man out" at a table of 2 couples.

Our ceremony is strickly imediate family and a couple "like family" friends. Only 80 people, which i know sounds like a lot, but i am youngest of 5 and fiance is youngest of 6 so 80 is quite small for us!

shanliann · April 2012

we can not do a family head table due to the size of the families and the fact that my mother has passed away and my father will not be in attendance.

NOLAbridealmost · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-anyone-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6db03567-a9d2-4768-949d-27c092882456Post:46c7a6eb-d43f-4531-b24f-bbf6787e4161">Re: don't want anyone left out!!</a>:
[QUOTE]my problem is, my maid of honor is single. and i don't want her feeling like the "odd man out" at a table of 2 couples. Our ceremony is strickly imediate family and a couple "like family" friends. Only 80 people, which i know sounds like a lot, but i am youngest of 5 and fiance is youngest of 6 so 80 is quite small for us!
Posted by shanliann[/QUOTE]

<div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">I can assure you that your BM will be fine at a table of 2 couples; much better than the wife would be seated apart from her spouse. <div>
</div><div>A sweet heart table could still work for you. </div><div>
</div><div>The 80 guests at the ceremony and a larger reception thing is not okay. When we say "family only" ceremonies are acceptable that means moms, dads, siblings, MAYBE grandparents. Period. Anything else is a tiered wedding which is straight up rude. </div></div></div>

HockeyFan4 · April 2012

ya, Nola is right. Even with large amount of siblings, there is no way you should be at 80 guests for the ceremony.

A reception is a thank you for guests witnessing your marriage. What you are saying by inviting non immediate family to the ceremony is that some guests are good enough to see you say your vows, while others are not. It is rude. Please rethink this.

shanliann · April 2012

by "non related family" i meant my mom's best friend and husband will be there. Also my moms cousin and her husband will be there. Then the Maid of Honor's Mom and the Best Man's Wife.This is only because my mom's best friend and my moms cousin are walking me down the isle, so they will obv be at the ceremony, and there signifcant others. I know 80 sounds like a lot, but since we are both the youngest, all our siblings are married with kids so that gets the numbers up real quick but i can assure you, the only people at the wedding will be people who grew up in the same house as us, and there spouse/kids.

AdeleDazeem · April 2012

How many people will be at your reception?

shanliann · April 2012

200-250

lyndausvi · April 2012

I'm one of 4 kids. When you add SO and nieces/nephews we total 17 people. I can see how numbers can grow quickly when both the bride and groom having a large family.

Since the reception is going to be 200-250 people I'm *okay* with what you are proposing. Although, I have to wonder why the other 120-170 people can't be invited?

My cousin had about 70 at her ceremony and about 250 at the reception. Both her and her DH grew up in the same small church. That is where they wanted to get married but it only held about 100 people. Everyone not invited to the ceremony completely understood them wanting to get married at the church and were not offended.

AdeleDazeem · April 2012

I'm really on the fence about this whole situation. I understand how siblings + spouses can add up quickly so I'm not trying to be harsh. I think we'll best sum up my feelings as: if your immediate families add up to such a high number, the idea of an intimate wedding has sailed. I would just invite everyone to both things and call it a day.

For what it's worth, my husband and I had a immediate family only destination wedding. But, we had 12 people total. We both wanted a super small ceremony. If our immediate families ballooned to 80 people, we would have given up because you simply can't get "intimate" with 80 people.

Whether you like it or not, you're going to ruffle some feathers with this plan. It's up to you if think it's worth it, but some people will not take kindly to your plan because it is, quite frankly, kinda rude. If it were me and faced with those numbers, I'd invite everyone to both parts.

EDIT: I'll also caution you away from the "it's our wedding,they love us, they'll understand" mentality. That kind of thinking hurts feelings, friendships and strains relations. As host, you need to do the right thing by the majority of your guests.

ggirl2001 · April 2012

Ditto PP's about the small ceremony/reception and the sweetheart table. With that many guests, it will be nice to have a small table with just the two of you. Does your MOH know other friends and such that will be at the wedding she can sit with? The WP does not need to be seated together. Seat them as you would other guests.

shanliann · April 2012

Our ceremony venue holds 180 tops. so yes we would have room to add more but not all, the problem is we want it "small" i know 80 is not small but we want our ceremony is be really about us and the people who have been there since day one, the people who have supported us through our good days and bad days and made us become the people we are. As much as we love everyone we are inviting some of them have only come into our lives recently or within the last couple of years.

Back to the head table, yes the maid of honor will know plenty of people and for sure have a spot to sit but i think i want her (and the best man) with us. i realize it is ok for the wedding party to not sit together but i think i want us to. i don't know maybe once i think over the head table of just the 2 of us some more the idea will grow on me.

I am hoping that Best man's wife will be able to attend my bachelerotte party and meet some of the people who will be at dinner, or get "reaquinted" with people shes previously met ad then that might solve the whole situation but i need to figure out another option incase she doesn't because they live over an hour away from us and i don't know if she would make the drive.

ugh. wedding stress!!

mkrupar · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-anyone-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6db03567-a9d2-4768-949d-27c092882456Post:74ac62c5-d0a8-4003-b113-d08bacf75b60">Re: don't want anyone left out!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Our ceremony venue holds 180 tops. so yes we would have room to add more but not all, the problem is we want it "small" i know 80 is not small <strong>but we want our ceremony is be really about us and the people who have been there since day one, the people who have supported us through our good days and bad days and made us become the people we are.</strong> As much as we love everyone we are inviting some of them have only come into our lives recently or within the last couple of years. Back to the head table, yes the maid of honor will know plenty of people and for sure have a spot to sit but i think i want her (and the best man) with us. i realize it is ok for the wedding party to not sit together but i think i want us to. i don't know maybe once i think over the head table of just the 2 of us some more the idea will grow on me. I am hoping that Best man's wife will be able to attend my bachelerotte party and meet some of the people who will be at dinner, or get "reaquinted" with people shes previously met ad then that might solve the whole situation but i need to figure out another option incase she doesn't because they live over an hour away from us and i don't know if she would make the drive. ugh. wedding stress!!
Posted by shanliann[/QUOTE]

Why not just cut the reception list at 80 people then. This is a total "have my cake and eat it too" moment. I'm with Joy. Once your immediate family gets up to those numbers "small and intimate" really goest out the window. We had right around 50 people for both, and that was not an "intimate" ceremony. 80 definitely wouldn't be.

But it doesn't sound like you're going to change your mind.

shanliann · April 2012

I'm guess I'm a little confused as to why I would need to? Why should 80 people we want to celebrate with be cut from the list if we want them there?

NOLAbridealmost · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-anyone-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6db03567-a9d2-4768-949d-27c092882456Post:b577ed61-8ca9-4ed4-9b8e-0c7683b0c164">Re: don't want anyone left out!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm guess I'm a little confused as to why I would need to? Why should 80 people we want to celebrate with be cut from the list if we want them there?
Posted by shanliann[/QUOTE]

<div>You're asking the wrong question. Please do celebrate with those people. And then ask yourself, "Why can't they be at the ceremony too?" </div><div>
</div><div>(Psst: there's no good reason why they can't)</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I find the title of this thread ironic. </div>

AdeleDazeem · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-anyone-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6db03567-a9d2-4768-949d-27c092882456Post:b577ed61-8ca9-4ed4-9b8e-0c7683b0c164">Re: don't want anyone left out!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm guess I'm a little confused as to why I would need to? Why should 80 people we want to celebrate with be cut from the list if we want them there?
Posted by shanliann[/QUOTE]

I gave you several reasons in my last post about why you should cut the extras and only have 80 people at your ceremony/reception or invite everyone to everything.

Like I said, what you're doing is rude. It's up to you if you want to run the risk of offending some of your guests. But rest assured, you will be offending some of them with your plans. There is no "It's my wedding, they'll understand" here.

Good luck.

BrittneyRN · April 2012

I went to a wedding in October where my FI was a groomsmen. It didn't have assigned seating, so you know where I sat? At a table completely by myself in a back corner, because all the other tables were full of people who knew each other. Sitting alone at a wedding reception is no fun. Thankfully, I have an awesome FI who came to eat dinner with me instead of staying at the head table. Just because this woman has met people 5 years ago, doesn't mean she'll sit with them at the reception. Please either let's SOs at the head table, or have a sweetheart table.

SKPM · April 2012

For the love of all things holy, whatever you end up doing with the guest list, PLEASE seat everyone with their significant other at the reception. Yes, even the best man and his wife.

mkrupar · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-anyone-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6db03567-a9d2-4768-949d-27c092882456Post:b577ed61-8ca9-4ed4-9b8e-0c7683b0c164">Re: don't want anyone left out!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm guess I'm a little confused as to why I would need to? Why should 80 people we want to celebrate with be cut from the list if we want them there?
Posted by shanliann[/QUOTE]

If you want them there why can't they be there for the ceremony and reception?

I don't care if you only have 10 people at your wedding and 200 people at your reception, but to have 80 people at the ceremony and then 200 people at the reception just seems wrong and rude to me. Please give us one good reason why you can't have all 200-250 people at the ceremony? You can find a bigger venue if yours only holds 180 people.

shanliann · April 2012

in this instance i would never say "its my wedding day i do things my way" or whatever the quote is. This is my wedding day, to celebrate a new chapter in our life, with all the people who have been apart of the previous chapters. Of course there are some things I will do my way but the only thing that is strickly about "us" that day is the actual marriage. All of our guests be it family or friends, near or far, will invest alot of time, money, etc to be part of "our" day so i have nothing but love and respect for each and every person in attendace and those who are not attending. So much of the reception isn't even about us. Honestly do you think I care what is served for dinner? No ill be too busy, overhwhelmed, etc to even eat! yet by the wedding day we will have had 3 tastings. I will probably eat these least amount of cake but do you know how many cake samples we tried!!

First, our ceremony site is booked and paid for, and seats 150 comfortably and 180 max.

Second, although I completely agree that 80 people is by no means "intimate" or small, it is very meaningful to us. We want to keep it as intimate and small as we can, because we feel like the ceremony is as much for us as it is for our familes. they have rasied us, helped us through all the good and all the bad, supported our relationship, and been there every single time no matter what. We want the ceremony to be sort of a "thank you" to them. sort of like, look how amazing things are for us, because of your love and support. Again I totally get where 80 is not small nor intimate but for us it is as small and imtime as we can do, without having no guests at all, there isn't anyone who can be cut from the list because it would be like, why is one sibling not invited?

once the reception call is filled with 300+ people, it will really make the ceremony seem small.

i don't see how anyone could be upset or hurt by not being invited to the ceremony if they are not immediate family. and most of the people who are bring invited to the recetpion know they are only coming to the reception and all i here is excitement.

back to the actual topic of the post, the pp who mentioned sitting by herself, is excatly what i will not let happen.

The best man and his wife actually recently got married and i was nervous and flipping out about how i would have to sit by myself because my fi was his best man. they ended up doing things really small and there reception dinner was actually more like a fancy dinner and they assigned seating but it was alll at one table so i was able to sit next to my fi and he was next to the groom.

I think my next step will be to talk to my maid of honor and see her feelings on having the wife at the head table. Personally I would be completely uncomfortable being "the" single girl at the table, esp at a head table where i would feel like im on display but everyones thoughts and feelings i guess are different.

NOLAbridealmost · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-anyone-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6db03567-a9d2-4768-949d-27c092882456Post:1694c4e0-194a-4642-a977-bf6aa55f00cf">Re: don't want anyone left out!!</a>:
[QUOTE]in this instance i would never say "its my wedding day i do things my way" or whatever the quote is. This is my wedding day, to celebrate a new chapter in our life, with all the people who have been apart of the previous chapters. Of course there are some things I will do my way but the only thing that is strickly about "us" that day is the actual marriage. All of our guests be it family or friends, near or far, will invest alot of time, money, etc to be part of "our" day so i have nothing but love and respect for each and every person in attendace and those who are not attending. So much of the reception isn't even about us. Honestly do you think I care what is served for dinner? No ill be too busy, overhwhelmed, etc to even eat! yet by the wedding day we will have had 3 tastings. I will probably eat these least amount of cake but do you know how many cake samples we tried!! First, our ceremony site is booked and paid for, and seats 150 comfortably and 180 max. Second, although I completely agree that 80 people is by no means "intimate" or small, it is very meaningful to us. We want to keep it as intimate and small as we can, because we feel like the ceremony is as much for us as it is for our familes. they have rasied us, helped us through all the good and all the bad, supported our relationship, and been there every single time no matter what. We want the ceremony to be sort of a "thank you" to them. sort of like, look how amazing things are for us, because of your love and support. Again I totally get where 80 is not small nor intimate but for us it is as small and imtime as we can do, without having no guests at all, there isn't anyone who can be cut from the list because it would be like, why is one sibling not invited? once the reception call is filled with 300+ people, it will really make the ceremony seem small. <strong>i don't see how anyone could be upset or hurt by not being invited to the ceremony if they are not immediate family. and most of the people who are bring invited to the recetpion know they are only coming to the reception and all i here is excitement. </strong>back to the actual topic of the post, the pp who mentioned sitting by herself, is excatly what i will not let happen. The best man and his wife actually recently got married and i was nervous and flipping out about how i would have to sit by myself because my fi was his best man. they ended up doing things really small and there reception dinner was actually more like a fancy dinner and they assigned seating but it was alll at one table so i was able to sit next to my fi and he was next to the groom. I think my next step will be to talk to my maid of honor and see her feelings on having the wife at the head table. Personally I would be completely uncomfortable being "the" single girl at the table, esp at a head table where i would feel like im on display but everyones thoughts and feelings i guess are different.
Posted by shanliann[/QUOTE]

<div>Glad you got the point. /sarcasm font.</div>

don't want anyone left out!!

Re: don't want anyone left out!!

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