Baby Shower Etiquette Question

Smallstar · April 2012

I've lurked the E board off and on since my wedding and now have a question in regard to my upcoming baby shower. I was going to ask this on TB but since there are no real etiquette gurus over there I thought I'd come over here since you ladies tend to give great advice. My family is throwing me a baby shower in a few weeks (invitations have been sent out already) and I have a situation that I'm not quite sure how to handle, etiquette-wise.

My baby will be born with a minor (and very treatable) birth defect that will make certain clothing options difficult while he's going through treatment. While I've come to terms with his diagnosis personally, I haven't really shared it publicly. I have told my closest family and friends but there will be others at my shower (extended family, etc.) who I wouldn't necessarily call to share this information with un-prompted.

The hostesses have offered to notify guests as they RSVP that certain clothing choices will not work while he's going through his treatment, which will last for several years. Is this appropriate or should I just ask them to refrain from mentioning it, and deal with returning items after the fact if I'm not able to use them? I'm usually not one to return gifts, but in this situation I know I'll most likely need to, and I hate to see people spend their time and hard-earned money buying items that I already know we won't be able to use. I've registered for items that will work with his condition, but I know that when it comes to baby clothes, it's difficult to pass up a cute outfit in the store! Thoughts?

CN: Baby shower coming up in a few weeks. Baby has a condition that will make certain clothing choices unwearable. Is it ok for hostesses to pass this along to guests as they RSVP or is that bordering on dictating gifts?

ceh789 · April 2012

I wouldn't have her say anything just because it will make people curious and you may get questions you're not interested in answering but I don't see anything wrong with her mentioning it to them verbally if you want her to.

HockeyFan4 · April 2012

I feel like with a new baby you aren't going to have a bunch of extra time to return things. I also know some places have pretty lame return policies without the reciept.

I am not sure how, but I would spread the word somehow that specific items would not need to be purchased.

Best of luck!

specialk84 · April 2012

I would not have the hostess mention anything, unless you want to spend the entire shower being quizzed by the guests. Personally, I'd rather exchange the gifts than have to explain everything.

Plus, what if one person didn't get the point and brought a bunch of stuff you couldn't use. That guest would feel like an ass if everyone said, "WTF did you bring that? Her baby can't wear it. Don't you know about the birth defect?"

I hope everything goes well. Congratulations on your baby!

libby2483 · April 2012

I don't think it would be rude to pass on this information, but like PP said, it might cause unwanted questions and such at the shower. Since it seems like this isn't something you have shared with a lot of people yet, unless you are prepared and willing to address questions that would inevitably come up, you might want to refrain from sharing this info. Congratulations on your pregnancy and best of luck with all treatments.

redheadfsu · April 2012

I think either way you handle it would be fine. It is up to you whether you want to share & answer questions.

Honestly, I think it would be easier to exchange the gifts. If you are not close enough to tell them, I think it is completely understandable. You could always explain later, if necessary.

Smallstar · April 2012

It hadn't really occured to me that this might bring up a bunch of questions, or even worse, a bunch of "pity" looks so I'll probably have them not mention anything and will exchange or donate anything that we can't use. Thanks for all of the well wishes and the great advice!

ceh789 · April 2012

Would you mind sharing what the diagnosis is so I can google it? You've made me curious. I understand if you don't care to say.

mtbentley · April 2012

Congratulations!

You could try to avoid registering for clothing, I know people will still want to get cute baby clothes but maybe more will try to stick to what you need..... Also, I'm not sure if this is proper ettiquette, but if people ask what you need your hosts may be able to mention that you have been so excited that you have been stocking up on lots of baby clothes, this may deter some people from getting you clothes on the assumption that you already have them

Smallstar · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_baby-shower-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a7b8509-8dc9-4ee9-aa9e-90eb9c0f87ccPost:0c773b48-1900-4403-b06e-f817edc5b06a">Re: Baby Shower Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Would you mind sharing what the diagnosis is so I can google it? You've made me curious. I understand if you don't care to say.
Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh it's fine! He was diagnosed via ultrasound with a unilateral clubfoot, so his right foot is turned inward toward his other leg, but we won't know the severity until he's born. To treat it, he'll be in a series of casts that will adjust his foot gradually back to the proper position, and will then have to wear a brace for ~23 hours a day to make sure it remains in the proper position. It's kind of like wearing braces on your teeth and then having to wear a retainer afterward. </div><div>
</div><div>The casting starts within a week or two of birth and he'll be in the braces until he's around 4 years old, although the time he needs to spend in the brace will gradually decrease until eventually it will only be at night while he's sleeping. He's a perfectly healthy little boy otherwise! It just limits certain styles of pants, shoes, socks, and those cute footie pajamas. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /></div>

ceh789 · April 2012

My sister was born with that!

We still put her first pair of braced shoes on the Christmas tree as a decoration - it's strange, I know

ETA: I'm so glad it's something treatable and the treatments aren't invasive. My sister has perfectly normal feet today and totally learned to walk and everything with really minor difficulty. She had no idea she was "defective".

Smallstar · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_baby-shower-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a7b8509-8dc9-4ee9-aa9e-90eb9c0f87ccPost:db90dc58-85a9-40c8-b4c7-33f19c988594">Re: Baby Shower Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister was born with that! We still put her first pair of braced shoes on the Christmas tree as a decoration - it's strange, I know :) ETA: I'm so glad it's something treatable and the treatments aren't invasive. My sister has perfectly normal feet today and totally learned to walk and everything with really minor difficulty. She had no idea she was "defective".
Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]

<div>I love the Christmas tree idea! And I've heard from other parents who are on the other side of the treatment phase that I'll meet so many people who either had clubfoot or who had children who did, and it really helps to hear about others who are doing well. Thanks for sharing! </div>

Grits8812 · April 2012

You have a ton of great advice here, so I have nothing more to really add except congrats on the baby and I'm so glad to hear that his condition is easily treatable!

Avion22 · April 2012

Clubfoot is very common (almost everyone has somebody in their family who has been treated, or knows someone whose child has been treated), and it seems like you're comfortable talking about it.

I think it's fine for your hostess to let people know that the baby will be undergoing treatment for clubfood and request people stay away from pants, shoes, socks, and long-legged pjs. I think most people give onesies at showers anyway:-)

Or, if you just want to take your chances, and return any items that won't work, that's fine too. Like I said, I don't think I've seen many people give pants at baby showers -- socks sometimes, or pjs, but these should be easy to return or donate. Most people will probably buy stuff on your registry anyway:-)

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