Should there be gifts if your already married???

brookec2380 · September 2010

To give you a little back ground, my hubby and I have been married 9 years. We were married at a young age. We never really had much of a wedding, to the JP we went. We have decided that we are going to renew our vows next year, for our 10 year anniversary. We want to have the wedding party that we have always dreamed of. My question is.....since we are in fact already married; it is rude to have people give gifts? I have had a few people ask if we will register for the party. My response has been "of course not we are already married!" Then they respond with "why not...you’re throwing a wedding?" My idea is to maybe have a money box at the wedding to help my hubby and I have the honeymoon we never had. It will be totally optional! Should I mention it in the invitation? Or should I just let it be??? Help!

baystateapple · September 2010

You should never mention gifts anywhere on an invitation. If you are having a reception, a card box is not rude, but please don't call it a money box.

laurenclaire1386 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-there-gifts-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01344e0-5ea2-4165-9b81-77dc08b07d0fPost:4c88e2fa-55eb-454e-99b6-c39fa67d94e7">Should there be gifts if your already married???</a>:
[QUOTE]To give you a little back ground, my hubby and I have been married 9 years. We were married at a young age. We never really had much of a wedding, to the JP we went. We have decided that we are going to renew our vows next year, for our 10 year anniversary. We want to have the wedding party that we have always dreamed of. My question is.....since we are in fact already married; it is rude to have people give gifts? I have had a few people ask if we will register for the party. My response has been "of course not we are already married!" Then they respond with "why not...you’re throwing a wedding?" My idea is to maybe have a money box at the wedding to help my hubby and I have the honeymoon we never had. <strong>It will be totally optional!</strong> Should I mention it in the invitation? Or should I just let it be??? Help!
Posted by brookec2380[/QUOTE]
Gifts are always optional. Unless you're holding your guests at gunpoint til they pay for your vacation. Don't mention anything on the invitation. Have your vow renewal, throw a nice party, and be done with it. If you want to take a vacation, pay for it yourselves.

mgietler76 · September 2010

You already had a wedding what you are planning is a vow renewal. IMO a WP is out of place for such an event. DO NOT put a money box at the reception to pay for a vacation (which is all a honeymoon really is) that is beyond tacky. I also don't think it's appropriate to register for gifts. You had your wedding and I'm sorry that it wasn't what you always dreamed but you don't get to re-do everything to a tee (10yrs later much less) just becuase you want to.

tpender13 · September 2010

I wouldn't even put out a card box. Plan the "wedding" but don't expect gifts.

cengle · September 2010

I would not register. If people want to give gifts, that's fine, but don't mention anything about gifts on the invitation.
And yeah, I won't lie, as a guest I would think a wedding party was weird.

ohwhynot · September 2010

I wouldn't register anywhere. If people want to bring gifts to your anniversary party, they will do so, but they don't need any "hints" from you, whether it's from a registry or by some mention of a cash box.

I am not sure what you mean by "have people give gifts" - if people do choose to bring a gift, of course you'd accept that graciously. I wouldn't have a table set up for gifts at an anniversary party, personally, but then again I can't quite figure out what you're planning. How formal or fancy is this anniversary party you are planning? How "wedding-like" is it going to be?

laurenclaire1386 · September 2010

At this stage in the game, I'm almost wishing we'd just done the JOP thing. I don't get the desire for wedding reenactments. I really, really don't.

opalsky007 · September 2010

Don't register. Don't put out a card box. Don't make any mention of gifts at all. You should never mention gifts regardless of whether you're planning a wedding or a vow renewal.

People will likely give you gifts, and it's fine to put those toward a honeymoon if you like. But you should not ask for cash, in any way, shape or form.

mgietler76 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-there-gifts-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01344e0-5ea2-4165-9b81-77dc08b07d0fPost:688a642f-d8f8-4782-a59c-8fe9bc43aae1">Re: Should there be gifts if your already married???</a>:
[QUOTE]At this stage in the game, I'm almost wishing we'd just done the JOP thing. I don't get the desire for wedding reenactments. I really, really don't.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

I'm with you! I wanted to just show up in a dress, but all in all I got this thing planned in a month. I only have small details to finish and than I can sit back and wait for March.

danieliza1127 · September 2010

I wouldn't register or put out a card box. If people want to give you gifts, and some will, they can just decide on their own whether to pick something out for you or give you cash. Definitely don't put anything in your invitations regarding gifts, not even to say that you don't want gifts.

If someone asks if you're registered, just say what you've been saying.

LuluP82 · September 2010

I can tell you what we did (we got legally married for a myriad of reasons a few months ago and are having a previously planned religious ceremony and reception in November). Since it's not a legal wedding, we figured people might be offended/annoyed if they thought there was the expectation of gifts. BUT, we had a lot of people asking our parents where we were registered/what they thought we'd like

We set up a small registry of traditional registry items. It's not on our website or anything. I'm obviously not having showers or anything, either. We figure this way, if people ASK our parents, it's because they want to get us a present we'd like, and there is no harm done. But we didn't want to give the impression that it was expected or anything. We have received several gifts already from the registry. Our guests clearly don't see a problem with it. In our case, we thought that not having a registry was actually causing a lot of confusion/irritation among guests.

And you can't have a money box or ask for cash. That is much, much worse than having a registry! (we have received some cards and checks in the mail already; if people want to give you cash, they will. But don't tell them you're having a honeymoon fund. that's ridiculous).

ETA-- I thought by wedding party she meant the reception. Not an actual wedding party. Maybe I'm wrong though.

baystateapple · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-there-gifts-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01344e0-5ea2-4165-9b81-77dc08b07d0fPost:688a642f-d8f8-4782-a59c-8fe9bc43aae1">Re: Should there be gifts if your already married???</a>:
[QUOTE]At this stage in the game, I'm almost wishing we'd just done the JOP thing. I don't get the desire for wedding reenactments. I really, really don't.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

I hear you! I'm starting to enjoy it now (with six weeks to go), but for the longest time, I kept thinking "this is way too much stress, why the hell didn't we JOP it?"

I can't imagine wanting to have a re-do, and go through all the planning again, for a vow renewal.

mgietler76 · September 2010

LuLu - I re-read and think you might be right about the wedding party thing, in that case please ignore my previous comment about the WP.

hcbrowne · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-there-gifts-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01344e0-5ea2-4165-9b81-77dc08b07d0fPost:9aba2f93-86a9-4a62-85bd-be0fae0fa2e8">Re: Should there be gifts if your already married???</a>:
[QUOTE]You already had a wedding what you are planning is a vow renewal. IMO a WP is out of place for such an event. DO NOT put a money box at the reception to pay for a vacation (which is all a honeymoon really is) that is beyond tacky. I also don't think it's appropriate to register for gifts. You had your wedding and I'm sorry that it wasn't what you always dreamed but you don't get to re-do everything to a tee (10yrs later much less) just becuase you want to.
Posted by mgietler76[/QUOTE]

I think its a little weird to tell someone you "can't" do something. You can do these things but there may be consequences, there may not be. It may or may not be appropriate for the crowd you are hosting. She CAN do it though, if she would like. There is no law on the books that says: thou shalt not re-do wedding!

brookec2380 · September 2010

Thank you for the input! I have been getting alot of mixed ideas on what to do and what not, from friends and family. If they wanna give they can, I will graciously except. But your right, not going to mention a thing.
No wedding attendents!!! Just me and my man and our two kids standing up there. Its really a vow-renewal and a anniversary party. And trust me, going to the JP leaves you a little empty in the end. You always wish your friends and loved ones were there to wish you the best. It is a headache to plan everything, but the memories are so worth it.:)

mgietler76 · September 2010

I figured you meant no WP after I re-read lol Having your children up there sounds really sweet. I'm sorry if my post came off snarky, it's just that I really hate money boxes and anything related to having others pay for your HM

hcbrowne - Of course she can do whatever she wants, what I meant was that you don't get to re-do everything as if it were a first time wedding, because she is already married.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · September 2010

It's not really a "wedding." It's a vow renewal/anniversary party and people don't register for those, so I'd really correct people when they tell you you're throwing a "wedding."

Congrats on 9 years! It sounds great, but call a spade a spade. For anniversaries I think people usually give things like bottles of wine? So I wouldn't expect much.

Mrs.B6302007 · September 2010

how old were y'all when you were married 9 years ago b/c neither one of you look a day over 25?!

brookec2380 · September 2010

Thanks for the Congrats msmarymac, and MrsB your right on the young part. We were 19 years old. So we have beat most odds. I joined th The Knot recently b/c they really don't have a "vow-renewal", website with all the cool info like this one. The ceremony will be more traditional, but I want to get my kids to help. Maybe the pouring of the unity sand or something. Then we will have a great party after. I would love any feed back you can give. All of my friends are just now getting married, and some are not even ready to think about these things. So thank you for you help!

polichik · September 2010

It sounds like you're going about this a respectful, reasonable way and are fully acknowledging that it's a vow renewal. Good for you! That's rare to see on here. Good luck, and have a great time!

marissa_claire · September 2010

I personally tend to frown on this kind of thing - I have a cousin on her third marriage in ten years and she's registered every time, so it just kind of seems taboo. Similar to registering for baby no. 2, which a lot of people also don't like.

I think it's fine if people want to give you presents, but I don't know that you should expect that many. It stinks, but I just doubt people will be treating it as a traditional wedding.

quotequeen · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-there-gifts-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01344e0-5ea2-4165-9b81-77dc08b07d0fPost:28dfe07f-2a4f-403c-b278-99a2ad706fee">Re: Should there be gifts if your already married???</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally tend to frown on this kind of thing - I have a cousin on her third marriage in ten years and she's registered every time, so it just kind of seems taboo. Similar to registering for baby no. 2, which a lot of people also don't like. I think it's fine if people want to give you presents, but I don't know that you should expect that many. <strong>It stinks, but I just doubt people will be treating it as a traditional wedding.</strong>
Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]

I'm curious why you think that stinks? Why would you ever expect people to treat a 10 year anniversary/vow renewal the same way they treat an actual wedding?

Should there be gifts if your already married???

Re: Should there be gifts if your already married???

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