April 2013 Weddings

Etiquette-less FI: vent (LONG)

I didn't wanna write this on the popular boards because I really just don't want to share personal problems with those judgemental women. I was hoping maybe someone here had a similar problem and could help with some insight.

So, my FI's parents threw him a graduation party for his master's degree last month and I've been telling him he needs to write thank you cards for the gifts he received. I even wrote down who gave him what, went out and bought the cards myself, sat down and handed him the cards and when he had no clue what to write I offered him ideas on how to word it. I need to like, hold his hand because he doesn't really care if thank you cards are sent out or not and I just don't understand.

That night I tried helping him ended up turning into an argument that I'm telling him what to write (hello, he asked me?!?!) and that he will just take care of it at work the next day without me harassing him. So I sat them by his wallet and keys so he'd take them and finish them the next morning. Well, that was about 3 weeks ago and the cards are still sitting there, half finished. So.. I just brought it up again, and also brought up the fact that it was really rude how he didn't ask one of his groomsmen and they found out they were a groomsman by seeing themselves on our wedding website.

Now, he told me he had called his friend and his friend said yes.. so I went ahead and posted the link to our site for our family and friends. This was over a month ago. This whole time I'm thinking our entire bridal party knew who they were and everything was straight. But yesterday we were all at a softball tournament and his one friend was joking around how he saw his face on the site but FI had never asked him. FI played it off, and honestly I don't think his friend cared, because they're guys. But what's with him saying he did it?

I know he hates calling his friends, like, he HATES talking on the phone. But I had suggested to do it that way because every time he saw his groomsmen they were always with other friends who he didn't mean to ask,  and that would have been rude. 

So basically, I'm just sick of him not grasping the rules of etiquette and that it was a little embarrassing that I had made this site and included his friend and his friend had no knowledge of being a groomsman. Like what if he were to say no? I just don't get how all this time it hasn't even crossed his mind like, oh crap, I should ask so-and-so soon. Especially since he's seen him numerous times since then! 

Does anyone else have a FI that doesn't understand general manners or rules of etiquette and is just... downright lazy and ignorant when it comes to these situations?? I don't know how to handle it without pissing him off. It's funny because he is a businessman, his bosses all love him, he knows how to BS with people, have a strong handshake, earn people's respect.. all that. But when it comes to the most obvious things he's clueless. I'm so frustrated!
 
Anyone who's read this far.... THANK YOU. 
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Re: Etiquette-less FI: vent (LONG)

  • Goodness!  That is a tough one...my FI isn't too up on the ettiquette situation either but he typically asks me when he doesn't know what to do or I have to speak up while we're planning stuff out and his ideas don't really go with the ettiquette flow.

    Are y'all planning on doing pre-marital counseling?  If you do it sooner rather than later, maybe that will help you figure out an effective way to communicate your concerns without pissing him off?  

    FI and I had a "constructive conversation" last week.  He called me during work to tell me that he didn't like the way I had spoken to him the night before, while he was trying to get our new iPhones at the Apple store.  I didn't realize that I sounded snippy but I was trying to be very loud and clear about the phone I wanted because there was a ton of background noise from the store.  Apparently he thought I was being rude and then we go into how we only talk on the phone about wedding stuff because he doesn't call until about 15 min before he wants to go to bed so I have a limited time to catch him up on the details.  Anyways, we went on and on for about 45 min and he decided to make more of an effort to call more frequently and to talk longer so we can just talk about our days, etc.  By him not calling me back, I was getting frustrated and didn't feel connected to him at all.  Things have improved a LOT and I think it's because we just laid it all on the table and made a conscious decision to make it better.


    Maybe your FI has some underlying concerns about other wedding/job/family/friend stuff going on?  Can you two have a date night where you don't do anything WR and catch up on each other?  Maybe that will help bring the ettiquette concerns up to the surface?

    Good luck!!!
  • Your FI sounds an awful lot like mine.  However, I know why mine is this way - he left home at 17 and even before that, his parents weren't winning any parenting awards.  He honestly had nobody to teach him these things or show him how things are done in the adult world.  He has come along way and I've helped him with a lot, but sometimes he's still an oaf.  I'm OK with that. I love him for more than his writing skills, and I'm sure his family/friends do as well.

    In the grand scheme of things, do these thank you notes REALLY matter that much to you?  Just like with kids, sometimes you have to pick your battles with men.  Writing thank you notes isn't a hill I'd be willing to die on, ya know?  Yes, it's the proper thing to do, but my guess is that he hasn't been doing them (or at least doing them in a timely manner) for his entire life - way before you came along.  People have accepted that about him, and probably expect it of him.  If he wants to ruin HIS reputation by not writing them, that's on him, not you. 

    Let's face it - writing thank you cards blows, especially if you have a ton of them to write.  Can you maybe suggest that he do 3 a night until they're all done?  Maybe it will be less daunting and "boring."  He could probably whip 3 out during a commercial break of his favorite TV show. 

    As for his friend, he was wrong.  He was wrong not to ask him, and even more wrong to lie to you.  I find, however, that if I nag FI over every little thing, he's going to lie to me to get me off his back.  I think if you picked your battles more closely and learned to let the little things go, he wouldn't feel attacked and feel the need to lie in order to keep from getting the 3rd degree.  Or at least that's what I discovered with my own FI.

    I wish you luck.  FI and I have been together for 9 years and there are still things he does that drive me nuts.  It's always a work in progress, but it's getting better.  It's all in the way you approach him about things.  Nagging, I can promise you, will never work.
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  • Neither me nor FI are really up on the etiquette, and definitely not to extent of most people within the Etiquette board. Partly it's how we were raised and some of it, we just don't care.

    FI never sent his graduation thank you cards - I reminded him, his mom sent us all the addresses, and he already had the cards...I didn't push very hard. They WILL be done for the wedding, because I will probably write them and he signs his name...or at least we'll do them at the same time, splitting between our families.

    FI also hasn't chosen his groomsmen, altho he's very involved in wedding planning overall. One guy knows he's in the party, there's another friend who is an obvious choice but doesn't know anything yet, and there's a 3rd unknown. FI hasn't figured out who his best man will be. He wants our sides to match, so he wants to have 3 people. I gave him a deadline of the holidays - people MUST know pretty well in advance if they are in the WP! Beyond that, I try not to be too naggy...at least with that :-P

    I agree that you've got to pick your battles. Have you explained why it means so much to you? Not saying you're wrong - just maybe he doesn't get why it needs to be done. Try the suggestion of a few at a time, or the hardest ones first, but if he doesn't do anything with them...just leave it. It's not worth a huge fight.
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  • My fiance has yet to tell TWO of his groomsmen that they are, indeed, groomsmen. MEN.
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  • Re the Thank You Cards -

    In our house there are tasks that are my job, tasks that are his job, and tasks that whoever gets to them does them.

    I write all the thank you cards. Most of the time I sign his name to them, too. I weed eat the yard because I love a perfect edge on the walkway and DH doesn't give a crap.

    It works for us - there's somethings I care if they get done and how they get done, so I do them. Same for him. Then there's things that just have to be done, and we both do them equally. It's easier than nagging and fighting with him to get him to do something my way.
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  • Oh my gosh thank you all. Just the advice I needed. I'm on mobile so I forget who said what but I see now it is easier to pick my battles. And I would have written his thank you cards myself WEEKS ago but my handwriting is so obviously girly everyone would side eye those cards hard ha. We are doing premarital counseling so ill be sure to bring it up and look at better ways to handle those type of situations when they come up. I admit I nag a little too much but in some situations it helped him, like nagging him to go to the dermatologist to get a mole checked out that turned out to be pre cancerous. He's a man, he's stubborn, but no ones perfect. He's a great man but everyone has that one quirk lol. Again thank you all for your help :
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  • Why does it matter that you wrote them? Y'all live together and are engaged.

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  • In Response to Re:Etiquetteless FI: vent LONG:[QUOTE]Why does it matter that you wrote them? Y'all live together and are engaged. Posted by StefffiC[/QUOTE]

    Well it wasn't like it was our shower or anything, it was a party in which only he received gifts so it wouldn't make sense for the gift givers to receive a thank you card written by his fianc lol
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  • Could you do a thank you card that can print in the computer? Then you do a form letter, have a space to insert name, gift, how it's being used/appreciated, and a spot for fi to sign. You print them all out, he does the hand fill ins, you print out the envelopes the same way, and it gets done.

    I understand how your fi feels. My parents didn't really enforce the thank you card thing with me, but it's something I want to do with my kids, but it has to be simple for people who hate them. As soon as we start getting wedding/shower gifts, I will be doing each card as each gift comes in so I don't have to worry about it.

    The not asking the groomsmen thing is not ok, nor is the lying. Sometimes us procrastinators lie about stupid stuff because we don't want our loved ones to be upset with us for not doing the things we know we should do. And it usually doesn't end well. Guys can be a little wierd about asking their friends to be groomsmen, but it should be done, not assumed. Especially since you put it up on the website (which I don't think I would have done because I would want people looking at the website to focus on us...). Sounds like either during the pre-marital counceling or seperately you and fi need to talk about the importance of ettiquette to you. Have a logical reason a guy can understand ready. Not something like "well, it's what you're supposed to do," or "what will people think of you if you don't?" These are girl reasons, perfectly logical to us, but won't make sense to most guys. Something like, "good manners let other people know that yo value them, and their time," is much more likely to resonate. And explain that you'll be more upset if he lies to you than you will if he tells you he still hasn't done something. Is he a procrastinator in general? Sounds like he might be, and if that's the case, talk about setting deadlines and their importance. He may be tired of meeting deadlines at work, and not want to deal with them at home. HTHs, Good Luck.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_etiquette-less-fi-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:e98b93bb-7ca5-4cdd-b612-45e177b62e99Post:a908e578-0c48-4e97-8183-cc1651d35afc">Re:Etiquetteless FI: vent LONG</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Etiquetteless FI: vent LONG: Well it wasn't like it was our shower or anything, it was a party in which only he received gifts so it wouldn't make sense for the gift givers to receive a thank you card written by his fianc lol
    Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

    I have written thank you cards for every gift he's received since we moved in together. I don't use mine monogramed with my current last initial, but I do use my nice monogramed "Thank You" ones and sign his name.

    Your call, but this wasn't something I was willing to fight over. ;) I am willing to fight over how the bottom sheet is put on the bed!
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  • OK, explain the sheet thing, please.  LOL  Ours only fit one way and if you do it another way, you'll either run out of sheet or run out of mattress. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_etiquette-less-fi-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:e98b93bb-7ca5-4cdd-b612-45e177b62e99Post:abc7944e-2d0f-4202-972f-22050e8253d5">Re: Etiquette-less FI: vent (LONG)</a>:
    [QUOTE]OK, explain the sheet thing, please.  LOL  Ours only fit one way and if you do it another way, you'll either run out of sheet or run out of mattress. 
    Posted by ChiGirl2013[/QUOTE]

    The tag goes in the lower corner, the sides and bottom must be tucked under the mattress and MOST of all there must be NO wrinkles. I can't handle wrinkles.

    And, you put on the hard to reach corners first. You place them all the way on the bed, not so that several inches of sheet is sticking up. If you do it that way the sheet will attack me when I thrash around in the night.
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  • I would not write the thank you's for him. HE was the one who the gifts were given to, regardless of living together or not. You aren't his mother and you shouldn't have to 'clean up' after him.

    As for general etiquette, my FI and I have had a few battles over what is right and wrong. But honestly, I didn't know a lot of things were considered rude until I came here. But most guys just don't get it.

    What does his mother say about getting the thank you's done? I just ask because if he was never taught growing up that they are important, then he most likely will never do them. I have a friend who never sent out baby shower thank you's because she had the baby sooner than expected and she "didn't have time". And no one on her side said anything so they never got done, but the father's side sure complained and she complained that they were talking about her lol.
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  • Sounds like a boy to me.  My FI doesn't care about Thank You Cards.  Neither do I, but I WANT to care about them... So, in this case, I'd just send them myself, or not at all.  I don't think people remember NOT getting a card.  So, it's only you who feels weird about it. 

    My FI still hasn't asked his friends.  He's a PITA.  But, what can I do?  He's not lying about it.  I don't think your guy is lying about it really.  He's just "yeah yeah"-ing you.  That's what they do.  
    Don't stress too much about the ettiquette.  You could do everything by the book, and someone will pull out a newer, shinier book.  If these things are important to you, sadly you might have to accept that they're not important to him.  I know that's what I have to do.  I'm coming back as a boy in my next life. 

    Good luck!  Try not to get into fights about these silly things..... that is advice to myself as well.
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  • Thanks for all the responses.. His family is super etiquette-oriented, I'm just assuming he's a guy and being a guy period exempts you from being as anal about details as a woman lol

    I don't think he's necessarily lying either, I agree it's more of a "yeah yeah" kind of thing, which is still not ok, cause he needed to ask, I'm just glad it's finally straighted out and his friend is clued in now. Slowly but surely we'll get these thank you cards taken care of lol
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  • ugh, boys. just write them yourself...he SHOULD do it, but he obviously wont. 
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