My mom doesn't want to go to rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. should i be upset?

vallgirl88 · August 2010

my mom doesn't seem interested at all about going to my rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. my parents have been divored for years and they are both with other people now. I'm not sure if it's because she'll be seeing my dad. My mom never offered to help pay for anything. I don't think she wants to go to our pictures either, Im feeling a little upset .....Would it be mean of me to think she should suck it up because it's my wedding day!

christinelyn0131 · August 2010

Well, yes and no. It's sucky that she isn't going to the rehearsal, especially if she's walking in the processional. It's also sucky that she can't get over her discomfort with her ex husband, and therefore will be missing parts of your very special time.

And no, it's not mean of you to think she should suck it up! However, you can't tell her to suck it up. I would tell her she's hurting your feelings and you want her there, but if she won't come then don't let it bother you too much. It's your wedding!!

MyNameIsNot · August 2010

There is no point in getting upset. Be disappointed, sure. But if you tell her to suck it up and deal with it, you are just going to start a fight.

It might be good to tell her that you are disappointed that she won't be there and wish she'd reconsider. Of course, it would be horribly out of line to mention that she's not paying for anything. No one owes you money for your wedding, and if you bring that into the conversation, it's going to look like you are really whining about not getting money rather than genuinely disappointed that she won't be there.

gottahavashorti · August 2010

It's okay to be disappointed, but try not to get upset about it. She'll be there the day of the wedding, right?

mkrupar · August 2010

Ditto MyName: I would just tell her how dissapointed you'll be if she isn't there. Once you do that the ball is in her court. Do not let it stress you out. If she is processing in and doesn't come to the rehearsal it won't be too big of a deal for someone to explain it to her the day of the wedding.

You might also consider changing your screen name to something that isn't your email address. It's too easy for people to figure out who you are. And don't make it your first and last name either. You'll see lots of girls make that suggestion to others on here.

vallgirl88 · August 2010

i dont know where to go to change it!

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

Wait, is she actively saying that she doesn't want to attend, or does she just not care? I can't tell from your post. A rehearsal and its dinner aren't terribly exciting, so if she's just not looking forward to it, that's hardly a crime. If she just doesn't want to attend, there's not a whole lot you can do. I'm sure she can figure out how to get down the aisle to her seat on the wedding day.

I'm also not sure what you mean by "go for your pictures." What would that entail? Pictures are usually right before or right after the ceremony, and shouldn't require any extra effort on the part of the participants.

trix1223 · August 2010

I think there's some back story here that is missing from all this., because this seems odd.

I agree with aerin: has she flat out said she's not going, are are you assuming because she's not enthusiastic enough for your taste?

If she has said that she's not going and/or doesn't want to be in pictures, has she said why?

Finally: she doesn't have to pay for anything. Please don't voice that part of your post anywhere but here.

Kristin789 · August 2010

She needs to go to the rehearsal.

The organist needs to know how long it will take her, and whoever is escorting her, to walk down the aisle - so that the organist can finish the pre-ceremony music exactly at the moment your mom gets seated.

Then the procession begins, with the bridesmaids, etc.

Then the organist needs to cue your mother on when to stand up, which is the cue for all the guests to stand up for the wedding march of the bride escorted by her father, or by herself or whatever you are doing.

Your mom needs to know where this organist will sit, what kind of cue the organist will be giving her, etc.

Your mom is a PART of this REHEARSAL, so she needs to be at the REHEARSAL.

And of course, everyone involved in the rehearsal attends the rehearsal dinner.

If your mom leaves after the rehearsal and does not attend the RD, that's one huge middle-finger-salute to the groom's parents. Not a classy move.

Viczaesar · August 2010

Kristin, that's a whole lot of assumptions right there. In fact, that doesn't sound like any wedding I've ever attended. I've never even seen an organist, period.

jmkes · August 2010

Well I hate to point out the obvious, but if you are posting this on a message board then I'm guessing you are a little bit upset already. Talk to your mom, ask her to do it for you and that it would mean a lot to you for her to be there for all aspects of your wedding. That's about all you can do. Whether she's paid for anything or not is beside the point.

I'm thinking there's more of a back story here. Is she that afraid to see your dad again? She doesn't have to interact with him if she doesn't want to.

trix1223 · August 2010

Kristin, I'm a church organist. I play more weddings than you'll attend in a lifetime.

I know how long it takes someone to get down our aisle. It's essentially the same amount of time whether it's Jessica's mother or Sally's mother.

And the music I suggest for seating of the moms, if the brides don't have a preference, (and usually they don't) is a piece that I can easily lengthen or shorten as needed.

As an organist, I have to tailor music at every single event I play: whether it's the prelude and/or offertory during morning worship, or music at a wedding or funeral service. And in a wedding, the music NEVER ends at exactly the moment the mom reaches her seat. It comes to a graceful close once she's there.

The bride's mother doesn't need to see me to know when to stand. In fact, in our church, the organist can't be seen from the congregation. MOB knows to stand after the last member of the WP is in, there's a very brief pause in the music, and the bride's music starts. I have never in my life "cued" a bride's mother.

And they're usually smart enough to know that the whole WP is in, and their daughter will be starting down the aisle so they can stand.

I know you love to talk about southern etiquette. But please leave the description about what an organist does to someone who actually.....you know....does the job.

lisalou402 · August 2010

let alone the fact that this wedding may be in a temple, or not in a house of worship at all...OR may not have an organist!!! odd post!

My mom doesn't want to go to rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. should i be upset?

Re: My mom doesn't want to go to rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. should i be upset?

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