Engagement Test, But No Ring?

shinxy · June 2010

So I'm not quite engaged yet. Dearest Boyfriend wants me to be able to do something for him before he considers us engaged. Basically I have to be able to watch a whole season of a show I hate on principle and enjoy it. I think it's a great idea actually, it's an exercise in acceptance really.

Anyway, he doesn't want to give me a ring (long story, waaaaay too long and complicated to post here). How do I signify to other people that I'm engaged (when it happens)? Do I buy my own ring? Is that a bit sad? Do I just buy a costume jewellery ring and wear that?

nda_roxybabe · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:8e971e45-0e72-4f68-acb8-0d38b26fbdc8">Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I'm not quite engaged yet. Dearest Boyfriend wants me to be able to do something for him before he considers us engaged. Basically I have to be able to watch a whole season of a show I hate on principle and enjoy it. I think it's a great idea actually, it's an exercise in acceptance really. Anyway, he doesn't want to give me a ring (long story, waaaaay too long and complicated to post here). How do I signify to other people that I'm engaged (when it happens)? Do I buy my own ring? Is that a bit sad? Do I just buy a costume jewellery ring and wear that?
Posted by shinxy[/QUOTE]
This all sounds very weird to me.
You have to watch a tv show you dislike in order for him to propose?
I don't think I'd like having to go through testing to marry the man I love

Also, you want a ring, but he won't give you one? Thats an issue in my book too.

future-mrs · June 2010

Ditto to what Roxy said.

I think I need more information? But it sounds like you and your FI need to talk about some things...

nda_roxybabe · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_elope-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0ad41ac2-bcbc-470a-8fd1-59931b33d0cePost:259650b9-aadb-430f-9bdd-fccb98e6c05d">Re: To elope or to wedding – that is the question!</a>:
[QUOTE]Soniatews, I know what you mean about the unsupportive friends. Dearest Boyfriend and I have been together since we were 15 and we've been through everything from a miscarriage to infidelities on his part (we've now come up with a solution to that so it's now a non-issue) to living six hours away for most of our relationship. All my friends have wanted us to break up since our second year of being together, and all of his friends are kinda sus people who are angry that I won't let him out to the strip clubs and prostitutes with them. Needless to say, we're having a small wedding.
Posted by shinxy[/QUOTE]

I find a few things here a bit alarming as well.

shinxy · June 2010

I didn't come here for a dissection of my relationship. I just want to know what to do about the ring.

jbrych2006 · June 2010

I don't think the ring means everything. My fiance and I have set a wedding date and I don't have a ring yet. All I wanted really was the commitment of setting the date. I will get a ring eventually, but there's no telling when. And I understand the whole TV show thing. If he is indeed serious about getting engaged, I really wouldn't worry about a ring right now.

shinxy · June 2010

THANKYOU jbrych. We have had a difficult relationship but have worked our asses off to get it back to how it was when things were good and he is indeed serious about being engaged, I have asked him about it again since we had the discussion and he's still all for it. I guess I'll just have to be patient

The TV show thing is important. If I can't watch something he enjoys without getting snarky, that just shows that practically we wouldn't work as a married couple. I need to be able to lighten up and enjoy what he does, I'm sure he'd do it for me. The show in question is very much something that I need to be able to accept to be able to accept who he is fully. Acceptance is a big deal for both of us; we met because we were two of the biggest nerds in the school (we graduated high school at 16) and making friends has always been hard for us so being accepted is important. He accepts me fully but if I'm being honest, there's still work I have to do with accepting him. Being able to laugh with him is important, and testing people is just what he does. It's a coping mechanism that he had to learn, and it's also part of his condition and I accept that.

marinabreeze · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:724fa251-3eff-4cab-9866-180a1f06c9b7">Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]The TV show thing is important. If I can't watch something he enjoys without getting snarky, that just shows that practically we wouldn't work as a married couple. I need to be able to lighten up and enjoy what he does, I'm sure he'd do it for me. The show in question is very much something that I need to be able to accept to be able to accept who he is fully.
Posted by shinxy[/QUOTE]

I wish you could hear yourself. You have to prove your devotion to your bf by watching a TV show?? TV shows get cancelled all the time, they come and go. Heck, one of my faves just got cancelled (Cold Case on CBS :-(). I don't have to watch the same shows (or listen to the same music my FI does) to prove my acceptance of who he is, and vice versa. That kind of stuff is trivial and at the end of the day, it's not what matters.

If you and your bf have gone through all the events and issues you say you have, then you don't need some lame "test" to prove that you accept him as is. For his part, it seems like he's getting his rocks off having you jump through hoops because you keep asking him about the engagement. He either knows he wants to marry you or he doesn't, there's no "test" needed for that. If he feels he needs to test people as a coping mechanism, it sounds like he has trust issues, in which case you really need to think long and hard whether it's a good idea to marry him anyway. He sounds like he needs therapy, not to have you enable him by completing petty little "tests."

ETA: About the ring...why isn't he giving you a ring? You said it was "long and complicated"...beyond him not being able to afford it at this time, I don't see what reason he would have to not give you <em>some</em> symbol of his commitment to marrying you. I'm wondering if there's something seriously wrong with your bf.

shinxy · June 2010

Who says I keep asking about the engagement? He's the one that brought it up and I've asked him about it once since then.

With the TV show, it's the principle of it.

And if he wants to test me, he's going to test me. People with BPD do that, because they're insecure and such. It's not something he can help. He is meant to be getting therapy but the military is being slack.

Something seriously wrong with my boyfriend? You mean metally ill? Yes, he is mentally ill. Both of us are. My diagnosis is more severe than his, I'm on disability for it. Is that the answer you were looking for?

marinabreeze · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:05dc8c73-3838-4495-879b-e1151769b608">Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]Who says I keep asking about the engagement? He's the one that brought it up and I've asked him about it once since then. With the TV show, it's the principle of it. And if he wants to test me, he's going to test me. People with BPD do that, because they're insecure and such. It's not something he can help. He is meant to be getting therapy but the military is being slack. Something seriously wrong with my boyfriend? You mean metally ill? Yes, he is mentally ill. Both of us are. My diagnosis is more severe than his, I'm on disability for it. Is that the answer you were looking for?
Posted by shinxy[/QUOTE]

I got the impression that you were the one asking from your response to jbrych. I apologize for the misunderstanding. However, if he's mentioned it, there doesn't seem to be a reason for you to bring it up again...if he really wants to propose, he'll ask.

Again, a TV show simply isn't a good indicator of things to come that will really test a relationship. I get that it's the principle behind it, but it's really flawed and isn't going to tell you about what will happen down the line when the going gets tough. It seems from some of the things you've mentioned in this post and elsewhere that you guys have been through more than enough together that it should be more than obvious to him that you accept him as he is. If he needs a TV show to "test" your acceptance of him, he'll never get it. If he is as insecure as you say he is, the TV show will be just the beginning, and he will be "testing" you again and again without ever having the satisfaction that you truly accept him. If he doesn't trust that you accept him, I can't see how that will make for a good marriage.

About my comment about something being wrong with your bf, I wasn't making the comment to be flippant or snarky ...I meant what I said. I don't think mental disorders are a joke...I've had to deal with depresion and social anxiety myself, and my FI suffers from a disorder that is often misdiagnosed as BPD. It's not an easy thing to deal with.

However, your bf's need to "test" you indicates mistrust, which is not conducive to a healthy marriage, mental illness or not. Knowing that he has a mental illness is one thing, but believing that his BPD cancels out or excuses red-flag behaviors is something else entirely. If you know that your bf is insecure (due to BPD or anything else), and he's not getting the treatment he needs for his illness, what makes you believe that marriage is a wise decision at this point?

If his military benefits haven't kicked in, what about community-sponsored or non-profit (church or secular-based) mental health resources in your community? For example, I have a friend who is bipolar who receives mental health resources for free from a public mental health center. Alternative resources are out there, but is he willing to seek them out for the sake of your relationship?

emarston1 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:6527402b-2380-495f-a72c-e7d622c74075">Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't come here for a dissection of my relationship. I just want to know what to do about the ring.
Posted by shinxy[/QUOTE]

I want to give you some advice about message boards (especially the larger, international boards such as this one) - you can't dictate the type of responses that you will receive. If you post about your boyfriend making you pass a TV-watching "test," you can bet some women will give you the side eye and let you know it.

My issue with the whole thing is that it sounds completely immature to force someone to watch a TV show to prove your love before you will marry each other. I would think you relationship together thus far would be the test as to whether you should get married, not some lame TV show. Marriage is a lot more difficult than watching a TV show you hate, so the idea that if you watch the show you will be marriage material is absolutely ridiculous to me.

Although I have to ask, what TV show is it?

jlmarks83 · June 2010

I'm curious about what show this is, too. You mentioned that by being able to watch and enjoy this show, you will be able to fully understand/accept him. I can't even imagine what show this could be.

As for the other things you've mentioned. My cousin has BPD and I know that she never "tested" her new H when they were getting engaged. She never put him through the ringer just to prove himself. The difficulties of their relationship and engagement proved that to her. His constant love and devotion to her and their relationship proved that to her. I agree with PPs that these past difficulties and hardships should have been the things that proved yourself to your BF...not some stupid show.

As for the ring thing? I've been in relationships before where marriage was talked about. In those relationships, the guy always said how they thought buying an engagement ring was stupid and they wouldn't want to waste their money, blah blah blah. You know what happened when they met the girls they actually married? They bought them rings without hesitation. My FI never hesitated either.

I know there are some instances where the guy can't afford it. My BFF is engaged to a med school student. He can't afford to get her a ring now...but he told her that he will get her one...even if they're already married when he gets it for her. Or there are instances where the girl just doesn't like rings. (There was a girl on here that got an engagement bracelet.) But if his reason for not getting you a ring is because he thinks it's dumb or a waste of money or whatever reason unrelated to finances or your dislike....that's a red flag in my book.

Allen+Smith · June 2010

If you feel strongly about having some kind of ring, wouldn't it be a nice test of HIM to have him buy you one? If you are to be tested by watching a season of some show (and I see your point on that being a good exercise in acceptance), then testing him to give you just a small symbol of your engagement is not a bad idea either. A bit of give and take, right? And it does NOT need to be a huge diamond or expensive thing. A simple, plain band would suffice. It will signify to others you are engaged, and show that he is at least willing to meet you in the middle on the ring issue.

snwilson0416 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:724fa251-3eff-4cab-9866-180a1f06c9b7">Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]The TV show thing is important. If I can't watch something he enjoys without getting snarky, that just shows that practically we wouldn't work as a married couple.
Posted by shinxy[/QUOTE]<div>
Um, what? Married people can't have different tastes and tease each other?</div>

emarston1 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:2cc4192d-7755-4f0b-a89d-065ce0e314b8">Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring? : Um, what? Married people can't have different tastes and tease each other?
Posted by snwilson0416[/QUOTE]

I guess my FI doesn't love me and we shouldn't get married because he can't sit through an episode of the Bachelor/Bachelorette without commenting how stupid it is.

We're DOOMED!

But seriously, what show is it?

AmandalovesAl · June 2010

My FI wanted me to quit smoking before he proposed. I tried for many reasons, none of which were so that he would propose....fast forward, we are engaged, i still smoke. You have to love someone for who they are and not for who you want them to be. Test of love are everyday things, and not actual tests. My FI is 12 years older than me and we certainly don't like all the same things, but what matters is that we respect each others opinions and honor them.

Sorry if this isn't the response you were hoping for but it is the one you got from me

megk8oz · June 2010

DH listens to, and loves, metal. I hate it, and won't listen to it. So he simply doesn't listen to it when I'm in the car with him. If he hears a song he thinks I'll actually like, then he asks me to listen to it, nicely. And since he asks, and not demands, I'll give it a fair chance.

I love romantic comedies. DH thinks most of them are lame and doesn't really enjoy them. So I simply watch them when he's not home. And if I happen to see one that I think would amuse him, I ask him if he'd care to watch it with me some time, nicely. And since I ask, and not demand, he'll give it a fair chance.

It's not rocket science. Unless he legitimately thinks you'd actually like this show if you only gave it a chance ... I fail to see how making you sit through the whole thing will make you stronger as a couple.

Then again, our whole "compromise" thing might just be evidence that my marriage is completely doomed.

AmandalovesAl · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:2b80bf02-e056-4523-beb2-f3a601d88c65">Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]Then again, our whole "compromise" thing might just be evidence that my marriage is completely doomed.
Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]

LOL That MUST be what it means!!! Good luck to you!

arthomas82 · June 2010

Sounds like this is going to be a lovely marriage.

LoveBugBaby · June 2010

"The TV show thing is important. If I can't watch something he enjoys without getting snarky, that just shows that practically we wouldn't work as a married couple.
Posted by shinxy"

OMG, you don't need to like the same TV show as him to prove you're meant to be together... that's the biggest joke I've ever heard. There are plenty of TV's shows FI watches that I don't care to watch, and vice versa... and I don't think that dooms our upcoming marriage one bit! You're allowed to have your own likes and dislikes aside from his. And if he can't respect the fact that you just don't care to watch the same thing as him, then you have some re-evaluating to do. If he's comparing your ability to remain married to your ability to watch his stupid TV show, then yes, you're absolutely doomed.

And about the ring... if your BF is really ready to propose and marry you, and you want a ring, then why can't he get you one?? You shouldn't have to go buy your own ring and stick it on your hand. For goodness sakes, if money is the issue, he can get a very reasonably priced ring right now, and then you both can save for an upgade whenever you're ready.

I'm sure there are lots of details we're all missing, but everything I've read so far about your relationship has just sent shooting red flags all over this thread! Good Luck to you girl!

BrenAndJo · June 2010

Ditto to emarston1...sometimes you don't get the answers you WANT to hear on these boards...that's just how it rolls. You can't put up something as controversial as your BF wanting to 'test' you before you get engaged and not expect some comments that may not be completely engouraging.

As for the RING which is what you asked about- I guess I dont understand..is he EVER going to buy you a ring or just not until this TV test is over? I mean I know quite a few people who don't wear engagement rings during the engagement and just go all out for the wedding ring (i.e. some spectacular enternity bands) or they like the simplicity of a plain gold/silver band. However, there should be a 'moment' where he seriously asks you/you discuss the enagement and you OFFICIALLY decide together that you are in fact, engaged. Then you can do all of the other things that come with engagement-call the friends and fam/post it on facebook/send out save the dates/have an enagement party...or whatever floats your boat. But, I'm sensing from the original post that you WANT a ring-is that right? If that is the fact, I would seriously talk to the BF and see if you can't come to an agreement- if you are 'compromising' to watch this elusive TV show, than he should do the same and agree to get you some sort of jewlery/ring, even if it's not traditional so that you feel you have what you want too.

And PS- If this TV thing is important to ya, than great-but I really hope you are listening when ppl here have said that a.) you shouldn't need to test your relationship to know if it works and b.) MOST couples have something, like TV or other activties that the other can't stand. That's just normal, everyday life!

GreenPepperBurger · June 2010

How about going into a different room when his show is on? BF and I agree on many things, but also disagree on things - music tastes, television, whatever. If I made my BF watch a whole season of "Glee" with me to prove that he's serious about marrying me...well, it just seems silly.

Also, if a ring is that important to you, make it known to him. You shouldn't have to give up something you want. And you should never buy your own engagement ring. What about something else? A bracelet or a necklace, or something?

AmandalovesAl · June 2010

OP has left the building. lol guess she didn't like anyone's suggestions.

megk8oz · June 2010

I just really want to know why she has to watch a tv show-to make him happy-even though she doesn't want to, but he doesn't have to buy her a ring-that would make her happy-because he doesn't want to?

Did I miss the day of Successful Relationship School where we all got told it's totally healthy if only one party makes all the compromises? If so, I am so done flipping a coin with DH over who cleans the toilet, that is all on him now.

AmandalovesAl · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:c1522e5a-9744-4f1f-9128-23cb23f4d73b">Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just really want to know why she has to watch a tv show-to make him happy-even though she doesn't want to, but he doesn't have to buy her a ring-that would make her happy-because he doesn't want to? Did I miss the day of Successful Relationship School where we all got told it's totally healthy if only one party makes all the compromises? If so, I am so done flipping a coin with DH over who cleans the toilet, that is all on him now.
Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]

I am going to make my FI watch every episode of Say Yes to the Dress, and if he doesn't, the wedding is OFF!!!

Sing2phins · June 2010

Is no one else getting a Diner vibe? Maybe I'm too old for this board, but in that movie, one of the guys makes his girlfriend learn all about the then-Baltimore Colts (his favorite football team) and gives her a test she has to pass before he will propose to her.

This is ludicrous. How old are you and FI? This is really not something mature people put each other through before committing to marry each other.

frenchy730 · June 2010

I don't really understand the whole watching the tv show thing, but everyone's relationship is different I guess.

Regarding the ring, a friend of mine got engaged a while ago. They didn't want to spend money on an engagement ring, but she didn't want to go empty-fingered either. She got a really beautiful tattoo on her ring finger. Not sure if this is your sort of thing, but I thought it was really cool. And this is coming from someone who is not usually a fan of tattoos.

NuggetBrain · June 2010

I'll one up you - my husband sat and watched Good Hair with me, my mom and my grandma. And didn't say a word. Until after they left, at which point I was subjected to a 30 minute rant about weaves, the cost of weaves, the ethics of stealing hair from Indian women for weaves, and how glad he was I didn't have a weave now that he knew what they actually entailed.

That's love right there.

Stackeye210 · June 2010

Is he addicted to pornos? Is that the TV show he wants you to watch?

There's plenty of stuff T watches that I don't, and vice versa. He makes fun of me every time I watch something Twilight or Harry Potter. oh well. I don't need to like everything he likes. We enjoy having things we can still enjoy on our own.

As far as the ring......Why is he not buying you one? Also, some people choose not to have rings at all. You need to work that out with your man.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · June 2010

I'm sorry, but the TV show thing is super weird to me. You DON'T have to both like ALL of the same things. Fi likes watching certain shows and sports events which I could do with out. So? I just don't watch them with him. I go clean the house, or read a book, or play around on the internet. I'll watch my chick shows when he's doing something else. When we watch TV together, we pick something we both like to watch. It isn't that hard. You know what? He also likes kayaking. And mountain climbing. He does those on his own. I like running. I do that on my own. We both like kickball, hiking and yoga, so we do those together. Not a big deal. If you try to be attached at the hip, that's a recipe for disaster.

As for the ring, just tell people you're still working on it/designing it. Many people don't have an engagement ring. However, if it's something you really want, see where he stands on the issue. Does he not have a lot of money for one? Does he prefer to spend it on something else? Can you both put money towards it? If it's important to you, it needs to be important to him.

MattsPenguin · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:4eacfdf1-63cb-429d-a436-8426208c9112">Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]Is no one else getting a Diner vibe? Maybe I'm too old for this board, but in that movie, one of the guys makes his girlfriend learn all about the then-Baltimore Colts (his favorite football team) and gives her a test she has to pass before he will propose to her. This is ludicrous. How old are you and FI? This is really not something mature people put each other through before committing to marry each other.
Posted by Sing2phins[/QUOTE]

Oh yeah. I thought it was like the night before the wedding or something. Thank goodness she pased! :)

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