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just engaged this weekend!!! and already troubles

future mrsCDCfuture mrsCDC member
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in Just Engaged and Proposals

my FH proposed in the perfect setting...sunset on our vacation this past weekend I had no idea and was completely surprised...until the 6 hr drive home when he told me he'd rather just go to a beach or vegas to get married without any family. I feel the exact opposite I want a traditional-like wedding on the smaller side with family and close friends. This situation has caused a daily struggle the past few days and he keeps saying he doesnt care what we do and how its all about me and my big day,  then when i start talking about picking a date and figuring out where he gets sour and shuts down. If things continue I feel I'll just give in to the intimate destination wedding with no family...but that's not the wedding I've always dreamed of.
HELP! any suggestions or input? I'm so stressed already and we're less than a week into our engagement.

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Re: just engaged this weekend!!! and already troubles

  • GreenPepperBurgerGreenPepperBurger
    First Comment
    First of all, congratulations on getting engaged. However, I feel that maybe you two should have had this talk prior to the proposal. You guys are clearly not on the same page.

    Your FI seems like he'll give in to your wedding wishes, but he's not happy about it. Try to figure out why he's so adverse to a "traditional" wedding. Is it money? Have a talk about your finances and what you guys can reasonably spend on a wedding. There's no reason why you can't have a perfectly beautiful wedding on a budget. Brides do it all the time.

    If he's really set on a DW, why not try to make it into a vacay for your closest friends and family? DWs can be awesome. But before you drive yourself crazy, I would suggest just relaxing and enjoy your engagement before you get into the thick of wedding planning.

    HTH.
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  • future-mrsfuture-mrs member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Agree with PP but you're going to have to compromise with FI...your first marriage/relationship priority should be communication and compromise.  Talk to him about it.

    Congrats and welcome to the board!
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  • AmandalovesAlAmandalovesAl member
    First Comment
    Agree with pps.  My FI gets overwhelmed with stuff, and mostly is fine with what i want, but it is about the two of you.  Find out what his dream is and why, then tell him your dream and why.  I'm sure you will be abe to find a happy medium.
    imageimageVacation Till our honeymoon!!!
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  • future mrsCDCfuture mrsCDC member
    First Comment
    thank you everyone. yeah we had discussed wedding briefly and he's very sarcastic so i thought his "lets just go to vegas" comments were jokes. I think he's worried because his whole family is going to be coming in from out of town (from MI and FL to OH) and he doesnt want all of them to feel obligated to come. and he also is worried about money (were going to pay for mainly everything my parents are going to help out). He'd rather it be brief and painless. As he says he wants to marry me and be with me forever he doesnt care how it happens...but then he still gets a little attitude type thing or really distant the few times the past few days ive tried to talk about how big we actually want it and when. I think I'm going to sit him down tonight and ask him to just tell me how he really feels about all this. Maybe he's just overwhelmed....as am I!!
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  • arthomas82arthomas82 member
    First Comment
    Brief and painless is NOT overrated IMO
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  • stellabbella129stellabbella129
    First Comment
    Maybe it would be a good idea to just enjoy being engaged for a few months. I think a lot of us get so excited about being engaged hat we jump right into the wedding planning. Your FI might need some time and then he could be perfectly amenable to having a more traditional wedding!

    H and I ended up doing a JOP and even though I SOMETIMES wish I had done something bigger, for the most part I love that our wedding was stress-free and that it was exactly what he wanted. To hear him talk to other people about how much he loved his wedding and how every second of it reminded him of us and how much he loves me and to hear him brag that I wasn't crazy about the wedding and everything and how we never had one wedding-related fight or breakdown.. I don't know... I wouldn't trade that for the world. I'm so glad it was perfect for him! I loved it too, but I know I would have also loved a bigger wedding. We saved money though, it was kind of awesome.
    Good luck and congrats!
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  • ashkohlashkohl member
    First Comment
    My FI and I went through the same thing. We got engaged last November and we just started wedding planning about 2 months ago. I think proposing was a big enough step in its self for my FI, that he didn't want to get right into wedding planning. I let the wedding talk go for a few months, then brought it up again when I thought he was ready. Now we've got mostly everything planned! My advice to you would be to not mention anything wedding related for a bit, and let the thought of a wedding sink in.  When you think he's ready to talk wedding, then start with something small, like picking the wedding date. Then go from there depending on the vibe he gives you.

    I do agree though...talk about why a traditional wedding is important to you, and why a destination wedding is important to him. Then maybe from there you can find a compromise.

    Hope that helps!
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  • nickchicknickchick member
    First Comment
    I'm in a similar boat. Engaged a week and 3 days. :) he wants to do a vegas wedding primarily because he thinks it would be cheaper. I have a very large family, but i don't expect a huge expensive wedding. Just something simple. At this point we don't have any for sure plans other that we are waiting at least a year to save (mostly for a house and whatever the wedding ends up costing). 
    I would think it's important to find out what his reasons are for wanting a DW. And to explain to him why you want a more traditional wedding and hopefully come to a happy medium.
    But i agree with the above PP, maybe it's better to just enjoy being engaged for a little while and let it sink in. 
    This is a very exciting time! Enjoy it! ;)
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  • future mrsCDCfuture mrsCDC member
    First Comment
    yes i've met his family quite a few times...and we just went to his one cousins wedding this past weekend and everyone from out of town showed up...and my FH knows that his family really makes a great effort to come together when something important is happening. I talked to him a little bit last night and he said he just doesnt understand why everyone does all the traditional stuff and he'd like to do something not everyone does if we do do it at home...so i've been looking up non traditional and unconventional weddings. the only ideas i have are cutting stuff out like the father daughter dance and we arent religious so the ceremony will end up being short anyway. I think I'm going to just kick back and enjoy the engagement for awhile then try to revisit it.
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  • momofteacher7momofteacher7 member
    First Comment
    My niece and nephew also wanted the wedding to be simple -  so are going to Vegas but going to a chapel that has a live video feed.  That might work for you!!

    And they have planned a reception a month later to make the families happy....you could have "wedding dinners" when you visit the familes.  And show the video of the ceremony at each dinner.

    Create a wedding registry at a store that is in all those states so family and friends can buy you gifts but have them shipped directly to you.


    Good Luck!!
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  • agrenhamagrenham member
    First Comment
    Let him know that there are many ways to make the day special and cheap. It will be a lot of work if you want a traditional wedding without spending the money (because you will have to do everything yourself rather that hiring someone to do it)

    My FI is kind of the same way though. He doesn't really want to talk wedding that much and whenever I bring it up, he changes the subject. But when he does talk, he is very opinionated. There needs to be compromise. 

    Have a Vegas themed wedding at home! 
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  • fairy_divafairy_diva
    First Comment
    Explain to him how much it means for you to have your close family & friends with you on your wedding day. My fI could have cared less where or how we did it.  He's not into the planning and has had only a couple of requests for the wedding.  You can have a small simple wedding with very close family and have maby a 25-50 person guest list. DIY as much as you can, scour the wedding classified & eBay for deals.
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  • future mrsCDCfuture mrsCDC member
    First Comment

    thank you everyone. I've tried to not bring it up for awhile but our moms keep asking if we've set a date haha. So I told him yesterday how much money I'll be puting away every week, and he kind of got mad because he told me 2 problems he has with this he doesnt understand spending all this money (even if it's a low budget of 6000) on one day. and he doesnt want his family to be involved because he really doesnt talk to the majority of them and they'll all be coming out of town and he feels very stressed having to entertain all of them...I told him I'm sure his family doesnt expect us to entertain them on our wedding weekend. were planning on inviting out of town guest to a brunch on sunday morning and depending on if we do a rehearsal dinner to that dinner on friday to. so they'll have plans every single day they're here.... I also offered for the wedding to be in MI where most of his family lives it's a 6 hr drive and I'm willing to have it there because I know my family will come no matter what. So my suggestions I gave him yesterday were having a destination wedding but my family being invited (there's only 12 people I would absolutely want there) or having it here and he let me worry about everything or having it in MI. So hopefully one of those will be ok for him. I just can't not have my family there.

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  • emjohn1019emjohn1019 member
    First Comment
    I truly do not  want to be a negative voice here, because your engagement is a wonderful thing. But, I do want to say that it sounds like you and he are not on the same page. You should not be planning anything until you can see each other's viewpoint - and with more than mere tolerance.  Money matters and family life are crucial in relationships and if you can't agree on them now, you'll have huge problems later on. You should not have to give up your dream wedding - even if it means heavily budgeting and a lot of DIY projects. Nor should he give up his idea of Vegas if that's what he really wants. Personally, my fiance and I talked about what we wanted for a wedding long beforehand. Now that real planning has started, there are no surprises.

    I guess I'm just saying - get on the same page. Up close, it may seem that this is all about a wedding, but it isn't: it's about how you two will spend your money as a married couple and how involved your family will be. I encourage you to really communicate with each other about these subjects - without talking about a wedding. If you can communicate through that, there's not reason why you can't find a compromise between traditional wedding and Vegas.

    Congrats and best of luck!
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  • lam11lam11
    First Comment
    First off congrats on you're engagement.....

    What I'm about to say is all speaking from experience.

    My FI proposed on a Saturday night...I started planning as soon as I could..that Sunday... (before the engagement we had NEVER had a fight) That following Thursday we had a HUGE fight about the wedding... I let things cool off and started planning on my own...
    His words were " That day is YOUR day..you do what you want, just tell me When,Where and What time & I'll show up"  That really hurt me because although I knew he wanted to marry me (or he wouldn't have asked) it made me question things... After some soul searching I saw things in a new light...

    When we got engaged that was all I cared about..I didnt care about keeping our relationship as strong...doing things together like we normally did or just having a normal conversation... everything had to be about the wedding...I became Bridezilla basically. We couldn't sit down & watch TV without me talking about the wedding...not saying you are doing this...but kinda take a  step back and see how much you talk about it...because like some of the other knotties have said...it kinda seems like you're both not on the same page...

    After awhile..my FI started talkin about the wedding...and planning and everything... 63 days now til our wedding & I think he is more excited than I am...he talks about it CONSTANTLY to his friends and everything ... so things will get better I promise..

    Congrats tho
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