Newborn baby at wedding???

btietjen · September 2010

I made it clear from the beginning of my planning that I did NOT want children at my wedding. My fiance's sister was supposed to be a BM but got pregnant and is due in the next few days/weeks. The wedding is in 25 days and she wants to bring the baby. I don't know how to tell her she can't or if it's even ok to tell her that. I have other guest with new babies and they don't intend on bringing theirs. Thoughts...

shellydiane820 · September 2010

That baby is too new to be left without its mother. I think you should just let it slide.

AlmondWhittle · September 2010

You could tell her to put it back where it came from.

strlzfan11 · September 2010

I know some will disagree with me but nursing infants are always the exception to the no-kids rule. There's a huge difference IMO between infants and children. A baby that age will be sleeping probably 80% of the time he/she is there. You probably won't even hear a peep out of him/her. If you tell your FSIL that she can't bring the baby there's a good chance she won't come and if I were in her situation I'd be pretty pissed if my FSIL told me I couldn't bring my newborn to my own brother's wedding. Let me make that decision for myself.

tidetravel · September 2010

It's generally recommended that a newborn/breastfeeding infant is the exception to the no kids rule

Many breastfeeding mothers cannot leave their children with a sitter, as would be the case with older children. Suggesting that she can "just pump" and leave the baby at home is an ignorant suggestion on the part of the person making it, for several reasons. 1) many women can't pump, period. 2) unless you have an overactive supply, one cannot pump enough in a pumping session to cover one feeding. 3) if a mother is actively breastfeeding, she would need to either nurse or pump when the baby is supposed to be feeding. It's much less PC for mom to hook her boobs up to a pump in the middle of a reception than it is to nurse a baby.

There are usually two reasons that people site for not inviting babies, and they both tend to be non-issues.
1) the baby will disrupt the ceremony. In many cases, it's older children that are more at risk of disrupting a ceremony. Sure, babies cry, but they also sleep 80% of the day. If a baby does start to cry, many parents have the sense to remove them from the situation.
2) other guests will be offended if they see the baby there, but had to make other arrangements for their own kids. Guests that have children of their own should understand why a breastfeeding infant would be an exception.

Sure, you can hold fast to the "no kids" rule, but new mothers may not be able to attend. On top of that, you risk causing MAJOR drama with your future family in law. Is that the way that you want to start off your marriage?

banana468 · September 2010

Let her bring the baby. When we're talking about the under a month age, you need to expect that by saying no to the baby you're saying no to the mom. And this isn't just a random kid here. It's your FI's sister. Chill out.

btietjen · September 2010

There's a lot more dramz to the whole situation which makes me want to say no way to the baby. But the whole food supply thing is a definite issue. I just feel like if it was my baby I wouldn't bring it or I wouldn't go. It's flu season, loud music, cigar smoking, and all around not a baby sort of place.

tidetravel · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborn-baby-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be915a51-0530-4120-b281-f0238539db25Post:a85537e9-6908-45c1-87b7-5ff2e3375fd9">Newborn baby at wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]I made it clear from the beginning of my planning that I did NOT want children at my wedding. My fiance's sister was supposed to be a BM but got pregnant and is due in the next few days/weeks. The wedding is in 25 days and she wants to bring the baby. I don't know how to tell her she can't or if it's even ok to tell her that. I have other guest with new babies and they don't intend on bringing theirs. Thoughts...
Posted by btietjen[/QUOTE]
To be fair, if I was your FSIL, I wouldn't bring my newborn baby to the wedding, not out of concern for your feelings, but for the baby's health. A <1 month old infant + lots of people = a high risk of exposure to germs.

bel138 · September 2010

I don't agree with the "newborn/breastfeeding exception." If a couple wants a truly child free event, they can reasonably ask that, knowing that people will decline if they can't bring their babies.

HOWEVER, is that really how you want to start your marriage and become part of this family? As the woman who said her SIL can't attend because she can't leave her newborn? That would go over like a lead balloon.

tidetravel · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborn-baby-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be915a51-0530-4120-b281-f0238539db25Post:04bfd862-64bd-4c5e-ac3e-195bf0fae133">Re: Newborn baby at wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]There's a lot more dramz to the whole situation which makes me want to say no way to the baby. But the whole food supply thing is a definite issue. I just feel like if it was my baby I wouldn't bring it or I wouldn't go. It's flu season, loud music, cigar smoking, and all around not a baby sort of place.
Posted by btietjen[/QUOTE]

Your concerns are quite valid, however, saying "no way" to the baby because of "dramz" between you and FSIL is childish. Perhaps you may want to point out your concerns to the soon-to-be mama, and let her make her own decision on how to raise her child.

banana468 · September 2010

Yeah, at the under one month age, I dont know what I'd do. But at that age, if my brother's FI told me that my baby wasn't welcome there, I'd give my brother a big hug before I told him that I'm sorry I was going to miss his wedding.

strlzfan11 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborn-baby-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be915a51-0530-4120-b281-f0238539db25Post:04bfd862-64bd-4c5e-ac3e-195bf0fae133">Re: Newborn baby at wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]There's a lot more dramz to the whole situation which makes me want to say no way to the baby. But the whole food supply thing is a definite issue. I just feel like if it was my baby I wouldn't bring it or I wouldn't go. It's flu season, loud music, cigar smoking, and all around not a baby sort of place.
Posted by btietjen[/QUOTE]

That is the parents' choice to make, not yours. If your brother & his wife are willing to take the risk of exposing their newborn to potential germs that is their choice.

As for family situations, there is always drama involved. The best way to keep the peace is to be the bigger person and not say anything to her about bringing or not bringing the baby. When exactly is her due date? Your original post said few days/weeks which is very broad. Babies come when they're ready. If your SILs due date is not for another 2-3 weeks there's a chance that the baby won't even be here by the time the wedding gets here. Your SIL may just decide on her own to bring the baby to the ceremony and then head home, skipping the reception altogether.

tidetravel · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborn-baby-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be915a51-0530-4120-b281-f0238539db25Post:730a217c-1469-476a-af04-3878cd315609">Re: Newborn baby at wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, at the under one month age, I dont know what I'd do. But at that age, <strong>if my brother's FI told me that my baby wasn't welcome there, I'd give my brother a big hug before I told him that I'm sorry I was going to miss his wedding</strong>.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I'd give him a big hug and tell him I was sorry he was getting married to such a bitch. :P

SarahPLiz · September 2010

I'm going to add that babies that age are often still in a new baby coma, so to speak. eat, sleep, poop, repeat. I think you should leave it up to the mother whether she wants to stay home, or attend with the baby. In the grand scheme of things, I don't think this is a battle you need to wage.

Birdie1483 · September 2010

The nerve of that baby to be born so close to your wedding. Pffttt...

tidetravel · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newborn-baby-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be915a51-0530-4120-b281-f0238539db25Post:22d8da7c-ba80-42b6-bfa3-94e9a14041a5">Re: Newborn baby at wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Newborn baby at wedding??? : He agrees... so I'm not really the bitch. Neither of us have said anything because it is such a delicate situation; and we obviously don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It's just all around a bad situation.
Posted by btietjen[/QUOTE]

It was a joke. Hence, the :P <---- face.

That being said, I would be the bigger person and allow her (and your other friends with infants) to bring the babies if they need/want to. Perhaps your venue can arrange for a quiet, comfortable place for her and other mommys to take the infants to nurse, out of the way of the main reception area. It's really best for you if you take the high road on this one.

andy71781 · September 2010

Meh I think you should let her bring the baby. I had a 1 month old baby at my wedding who came over from France. He spent most of the time in his carseat sleeping or hanging out with his daddy (a groomsman).

strlzfan11 · September 2010

I'm going to take a moment and play the other side of the coin here. Last month when I was visiting my parents my mom & I were discussing something wedding-related and I mentioned a post here from a few months ago about a bride expecting her MOH to ditch her infant (I think the baby was going to be maybe 3 months old at the wedding) for the day so she could be her beck and call girl for the day because that's what she did at every other wedding she'd been in. My mom piped in with quite an opinion. My mom's sister got married when my older sister had just turned 2 and I was 7 months old. My mom was MOH. My mom & dad wanted to leave us with dad's parents for the two days so that she wouldn't have to worry about us, etc., but (according to my mom that is) my aunt & grandma INSISTED that mom & dad bring us. My parents actually ended up bringing my dad's teenage sister along to help take care of us while mom was doing MOH things. As far as I know we weren't a nuisance to the guests (my uncle likes to tell the story of me being passed up and down the head table at the reception whenever he introduces me to people), but I would say that my mom felt like we were a bit of a hindrance (she was also 23 at the time so take with a grain of salt).

My point is.... let the parents make the decision about what's best for them and theiir child.

Bec20 · September 2010

Kyle's went to his aunt's wedding when he was a month old. Like your FSIL, his mom was in the wedding party. There's pictures of him being passed between his parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents and he is asleep in every single one of them.

If you're asking a mother who is less than a month post partum to leave her baby at home, you're setting up the risk that she won't come. If she is breastfeeding, you are basically making her back out.

sucrets4 · September 2010

I'm late, but I'd also like to add to Tide's thorough post that many people don't introduce a bottle until 2 months if they plan on exclusively bfing.

And fwiw, my baby was quieter than the 1 and 2 year olds that were at DH's cousin's wedding a few weeks ago.

JennJ98 · September 2010

I would let the situation be and only if she asks or brings it up, tell it's ultimately her decision. If she choses to come and run into the potential "risks" it's up to her. If she choses not to come tell her you'll miss her and the baby and you'll have a drink in their honor!

Having a newborn or not having a newborn at your wedding will probably not make a huge inpact either way.

AngieD82 · September 2010

Do you think she'll even be up to being your BM after giving birth? maybe run that idea by her and let her decide what she wants to do. In the meantime, enjoy your day!

banana468 · September 2010

BFing until a baby is one or older isn't odd. In the US, it's not common but if you were to travel to advanced European nations, they'd think moms in the US stop BFing way too soon.

My goal is to use the office to pump for Chiquitabanana when I go back to work and do so for the year I'm allowed. Then I'll probably have a morning/evening nursing routine only.

kebmtm071605 · September 2010

She absolutely cannot be expected to leave a baby that new at home. If you tell her the baby is not welcome, fully expect for her and her husband to stay home with the baby and skip your wedding. And prepare for the major family fallout that will follow.

I'm usually fine with people having adult-only weddings, but when it is a brand new baby, and it is immediate family, you need to be more flexible.

I will have a 6-week-old baby at the time of one of my best friend's wedding. She knew upfront that baby would need to come with me or I would not be able to attend. She's actually thrilled that she will be able to meet the baby, and she would never want me to miss her wedding in order to preserve a no-kids wedding. FWIW, the only other children who will be present will be those in the wedding party. My 2 older kids will be left at home with their grandparents.

Mrs.B6302007 · September 2010

Kate - you're pregnant again? Congrats!

jcamm11 · September 2010

Is the issue really the baby's welfare or the fact everyone will be paying attention to the newborn instead of you?

Mofongo · September 2010

One of my BF, who was as you said, 'supposed to be a BM' also got pregnant during my engagement and gave birth 3 weeks before my wedding. Both mom and baby came to the wedding and all was well. I would let the parents make the decision as pp's have stated.

Newborn baby at wedding???

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