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Possibly flameful rambling

6fsn6fsn member
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in Wedding Woes
There is a woman on my birth board that lost her 13 yo son last year.  She's having a little girl and is using the son's name as the girl's middle name.  It seems rather odd to me.  I get that she's trying to honor the son, but it seems like a burden on the little girl.  It's an obvious boy name and I'm just thinking of a lifetime of explaining how she got it.  Not that it would happen daily, but it's going to happen.

Maybe it's just my not understanding the grief.  Maybe it's something I see in DH when MIL talks about the boy she lost before DH.  I hope I never undertand.
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Re: Possibly flameful rambling

  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
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    I totally agree with "I hope I never understand."

    MIL wanted us to name DD after DH's twin who died at birth, and neither of us were too crazy about the idea.  I understand that some people have this impulse, but I agree with it not being for me, and not wanting to stick a kid with that baggage.

    OTOH, DD ended up sort of named for DH's grandmother (her nickname is very similar to Grandmother's given name) and that didn't bother us, so I may not be a reliable source here.  It just felt different without the whole "tragedy" angle--the grandmother lived a long life and died a peaceful death, so there wasn't the tragedy baggage that you get when a child dies.
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  • **O-Face****O-Face** member
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    Meh. It's how some people honor others.  I think its definitely a little creepy, but I think the intent is good.

    SIL (youngest one) has a middle name that is close to a family friend that died during the years proceeding her death.  Of course it was Justin, so they had to change it to Justine.

    Also, our good friend passed away in 2005 and Nephew's middle name is his name.  If we have more than one boy, it will be the same with us.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    There's a woman on my local that I worry about.  She lost her preemie son when he was less than a week old and got pregnant rather quickly after his death.  She seems to be intent on making her son aware of his 'big' brother and speaks often like he's still around.  I think she's in counseling and things are getting better.  She's also launched a foundation of sorts in her deceased son's name, which I think has helped to ground her and gives her an outlet to do something with her grief.  But I do wonder how much she's going to make her living son live in her dead sons shadow.  I'm hoping by the time he understands things (he's not even 2), that it's not as present in her/their lives.
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  • tawillerstawillers member
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    I agree that people grieve in ways that I don't understand.  I also feel bad for that baby.

    DH's best friend committed suicide when they were 15/16.  Her parents got pregnant and named the new baby the deceased daughter's name.  It made him extremely uncomfortable and he couldn't be around the family after that.

    Maybe it's hypocritcal, but passing on a grandparent or parent's name doesn't bother me.  Siblings, now that's something else.

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  • pegasuskatpegasuskat member
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    I think a sibling is to close to use the name.  As for the women who lost the preemie, my DD lost our first GD when she was 5 days old, then she quickly got pregnant again.  I was worried for awhile but she has gotten a lot better with how she handles her grief with time.  But if she had considered naming 2nd GD the same name I would have done everything to discourage that seems like just trying to replace, not honor.  Now if someone else in our family decided to use the name I would think it was fine.  And she has always made my living GD aware of her older sister, and we have pictures around, but nobody pushes it on her or anything.
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  • entropicbeautyentropicbeauty member
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    Has anyone seen the movie "Godsend"?

    This thread sort of reminds me of that...
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    I've been thinking everything you ladies are saying. Siblings just seem too close.  I don't know how MIL was when DH was growing up, but I hear a lot about the boy she lost.  He was a preemie and only lived a few days.  I know more about the pregnancy and birth than I know about my own.  I've heard the story numerous times.  I DO NOT think the child should be forgotten, it just seems like a lot.

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  • DG1DG1 member
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    Grandparent names are totally different than deceased children names, for the reason Heffa stated - it's not *tragic* when an 80yo dies. Even if they happen to die in a car accident or something, I think that's far less tragic than losing a child.

    Dex's middle name is my grandmother's maiden name, and I totally wouldn't have it any other way, for a lot of reasons.

    I know 2 families who've had to deal with this, both with stillbirths or babies who lived less than a day. Both talk about the dead babies or have photos of the baby around the house or visit the cemetery regularly with the other children. My first response was to think it's a tough burden for the living children, but they all seem to be growing up unscarred, so maybe not. 

    Like you, I hope I never find out.

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  • WzzWzz member
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    as long as the mom is adjusting as well as she could be expected to, i have no problem with this. a name is just a name, but it's how she's handling her loss that is the tough one.
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  • stantokmstantokm member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_possibly-flameful-rambling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:20bc4fca-a23c-4255-be46-b80ff80ca11cPost:8078bb82-6a31-4b17-a8c5-648f2b4145ae">Re: Possibly flameful rambling</a>:
    [QUOTE]Grandparent names are totally different than deceased children names, for the reason Heffa stated - it's not *tragic* when an 80yo dies. Even if they happen to die in a car accident or something, I think that's far less tragic than losing a child. Dex's middle name is my grandmother's maiden name, and I totally wouldn't have it any other way, for a lot of reasons. I know 2 families who've had to deal with this, both with stillbirths or babies who lived less than a day.<strong> Both talk about the dead babies or have photos of the baby around the house or visit the cemetery regularly with the other children.</strong> My first response was to think it's a tough burden for the living children, but they all seem to be growing up unscarred, so maybe not.  Like you, I hope I never find out.
    Posted by DG1[/QUOTE]

    Actually, I like this.  Seems a little morbid, but think of the living kids.  It shows them that if something ever happened to them, their parents and siblings would never forget about them.  With so many teenagers who suffer from depression and thoughts of suicide, knowing from a very early age that their parents will always miss them if they die could help curb that.
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_possibly-flameful-rambling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:20bc4fca-a23c-4255-be46-b80ff80ca11cPost:8f403b3d-b81c-44e2-89f2-153ccc06f9aa">Re: Possibly flameful rambling</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Possibly flameful rambling : Actually, I like this.  Seems a little morbid, but think of the living kids.  It shows them that if something ever happened to them, their parents and siblings would never forget about them. <strong> With so many teenagers who suffer from depression and thoughts of suicide, knowing from a very early age that their parents will always miss them if they die could help curb that.</strong>
    Posted by stantokm[/QUOTE]

    <div>or it could have the complete opposite effect - "they treat me like crap now, too focused on dead sibling - but as soon as I'm dead, they'll totally love me more."</div>
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  • DG1DG1 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_possibly-flameful-rambling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:20bc4fca-a23c-4255-be46-b80ff80ca11cPost:6f343207-c302-44b6-b35e-1ad1c752066d">Re: Possibly flameful rambling</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Possibly flameful rambling : or it could have the complete opposite effect - "they treat me like crap now, too focused on dead sibling - but as soon as I'm dead, they'll totally love me more."
    Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

    <div>Agreed. I think the first family was a little more on this side - still in mourning and couldn't give the living child all of the attention he needed. Not neglect, just giving disproportionate attention to a child who isn't there. </div><div>
    </div><div>And a suicidal teenager's thinking is so screwed up anyway, I'm not sure that anything like that could break through it. One would hope, though.</div>

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  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
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    I think that when a child passes early, the parents may/may not (IDK, i don't want to know) have expectations of what that child would have been like/done/acted/grown up to be, and to place those expextations on another child may be too much for them to bear.

    Naming a child after a deceased adult is different- that person has a legacy of sorts, where a deceased child has too mcuh room for possibilities.

    Personally I think it's wrong to use the first name of a deceased child, maybe the same middle name (especially if it's a family name), or use the same initials (Duggars anyone?) would be less burdensome
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