Dear new landlady,
I like you, and I'm in love with the apartment & the neighborhood, and I appreciate that you're letting me rent the apartment without having seen my application because you have "a good feeling" about me. (As you should, dammit!) However, could we please get our shite together about said application? I faxed it to you, I called to follow up & you said you'd never gotten it, I told you I'd just email you a PDF, you called me today saying you still hadn't gotten the fax. Say what?
I'm sending you my deposit today, and I can't wait to live in your apartment, but let's do better with our listening comprehension, yes?
Sincerely,
your new tenant
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Dear SO,
Pretty please get your last paper done today? It would be super awesome if you could get rid of that incomplete, especially because you'll have a 4.0 once you do. And most especially because I'd like to enjoy some of this long weekend with you without that hanging over your head. And most-est especially-est because THE SEMESTER ENDED THREE WEEKS AGO.
Love,
your sweetie
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Dear best friend from high school,
When, after not getting on Facebook for at least six months, you got on the other night just to change your name to your married name & send me a lengthy message bitching me out for us falling out of touch, I probably should have guessed that my reply the next night would not actually be read or answered anytime soon. However, you wanna do this via Facebook messages, we'll do this via Facebook messages.
Also, if you decide to unfriend me for pointing out the truth -- that no one could blame me for being frustrated that you would call me out on Twitter for not telling you I was coming into town (even if I hadn't told ANY specific friends I was coming into town), then ignore my texts and/or break any plans we did manage to make when (even if I could barely find time to sleep on a given visit) I texted to say, "You're right, I'm sorry, this is a busy weekend, but let's find some time" -- then it's probably for the best.
Either way, I feel like crap, so if that was your real objective, congratulations!
Sincerely,
high school's over
P.S. Now that you've been married for five months, you maaaaay want to update your About Me section that was written after your divorce was finalized three years ago.
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Dear redneck school board from hell,
Tonight is the last meeting of yours I will ever cover, and I'm so happy I may drink a whole bottle of wine when I get home.
Sincerely,
it's cute that you think I'm your friend
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Dear NEY-ers,
Pursuant to the above letter, don't be surprised to see a poorly typed late-night KUI from me in about 12 hours.
xoxoxo,
melizabethp
"Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here."