Anti-Social Father of the Groom

taurasuzanne · December 2010

My fiance's father has decided that he doesn't need to go to any wedding events he doesn't want to go to. My sisters planned a cool potluck wedding shower for the both of us, inviting both our families and friends for a nice evening. He told me that he wasn't coming because he feels uncomfortable around people, and asked (kind of confrontational) "You're not offended are you?" Then he told my fiance's only sister that she didn't have to go to our shower if she didn't want to either - and she ended up staying at home. Now he's trying to ditch out of our LOW-KEY pre-nuptial pizza party, will probably skip the reception, and would skip our ceremony if he could. My fiance says he doesn't care, but I know it hurts him that his dad doesn't care enough to come. And this guy supports our engagement & marriage 100%!!
I'm of two minds of how to take this, I want to MAKE him come because it's not like he has some disorder, he just doesn't want to do it. Ha, if everyone could just skip out on everything they don't feel like doing - "Sorry, I don't really feel like changing your diapers today." we wouldn't have much. But I also know our wedding will be amazing no matter what, and that I shouldn't worry about what one man does because everyone else is so excited. It might be better make less fuss and to let the wet blanket watch movies at home alone! But it still makes me so mad, grrr!
Any words of advice or comfort?

LDYGTR13 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anti-social-father-of-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e167cc2f-f6cd-49a4-9189-1004420c67daPost:ce08cbcc-ac39-4b05-bffc-3674e499bfd7">Anti-Social Father of the Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's father has decided that he doesn't need to go to any wedding events he doesn't want to go to. My sisters planned a cool potluck wedding shower for the both of us, inviting both our families and friends for a nice evening. He told me that he wasn't coming because he feels uncomfortable around people, and asked (kind of confrontational) "You're not offended are you?" Then he told my fiance's only sister that she didn't have to go to our shower if she didn't want to either - and she ended up staying at home. Now he's trying to ditch out of our LOW-KEY pre-nuptial pizza party, will probably skip the reception, and would skip our ceremony if he could. My fiance says he doesn't care, but I know it hurts him that his dad doesn't care enough to come. And this guy supports our engagement & marriage 100%!! I'm of two minds of how to take this, I want to MAKE him come because it's not like he has some disorder, he just doesn't want to do it. Ha, if everyone could just skip out on everything they don't feel like doing - "Sorry, I don't really feel like changing your diapers today." we wouldn't have much. But I also know our wedding will be amazing no matter what, and that I shouldn't worry about what one man does because everyone else is so excited. It might be better make less fuss and to let the wet blanket watch movies at home alone! But it still makes me so mad, grrr! Any words of advice or comfort?
Posted by taurasuzanne[/QUOTE]

H's dad is anti social too - we got him liquered up at the wedding lol.

We also didn't make him come to anything he didn't want to (sorta helped that he lives a few hours away though). He skipped out early at the rehearsal dinner, didn't do anything with the rest of the GM pre-wedding and basically just kept to himself.

Let him be him - if he wants to be a bum and not come, that's his perrogative. It's not the end of the world. If nothing else, get him his own bottle at the wedding and maybe he'll open up a bit - my FIL did lol.

kikibaby · December 2010

Well, you can't make him come. Some people just really don't like crowds or big events- my H is one of them. He'd ditch out on just about every social event if I didn't drag him to them.

The important thing is that you know he supports the marriage, so don't take it personally.

Calypso1977 · December 2010

i'm sorry, but how many freakin' events do you have to have just because you are geting married? i mean, a pre-nutpial pizza party? what is that?

the dad probably is uncomfortable in social situations and he probably thinks all these AW events are a bit much.

ohwhynot · December 2010

Huh. There seems to be one of these guys in just about every family I know - the guy who never comes to anything and the extended family barely knows he really exists.

In my H's family, it's his youngest sister's husband. Until H's grandnephew's funeral last month, I'd never met the man. He just refuses to go to things and is completely out of his comfort zone when he leaves his own home. He really had to force himself to go to his own grandson's funeral and he opted to stay home for some of the events associated with the funeral. Some people were judging him for that, I know, but his closest family members (i.e., H's sister and their daughter) were not.

It may seem to you that he doesn't have any kind of disorder, or that he just doesn't want to or doesn't care enough. But it's pretty extreme to want to opt out of your own son's wedding reception, imo. I don't think that, lacking some sort of disorder to mental health issue, he'd simply not come because he doesn't feel like it that day.

Try not to take it personally. If your fi knows his dad loves him and supports your marriage, try to let that be good enough for you.

doctabroccoli · December 2010

I took the "pre-nuptual pizza party" as the RD, but maybe I'm wrong.

crfische · December 2010

You invite him to things you want him to come to.

He will come to what he is comfortable coming to.

You thank him when he does come.

Beachy730 · December 2010

My dad would never want to go to a bridal shower either, co-ed or not. (I'm skipping right over the pot-luck part). He's not anti-social by any means, but he hates excessive family gatherings, and usually eats and then heads home, using the dog needing to go out as an excuse.

Pre-wedding parties and events aren't mandatory for anyone to attend, so don't take it personal. I didn't meet my FIL until the night before the wedding. He chose not to come into town for the RD 2 nights before the wedding, which is fine. My MIL left the RD and reception right after dinner, and she doesn't have any excuses for why she did. My H doesn't care, so why should I?

Your FI said it doesn't bother him, so he's probably used to it and doesn't care. Yes I know men sometimes don't like to admit when they are hurt or upset, but I'm assuming that your FI really doesn't care on this, so you shouldn't either.

MissOwl · December 2010

My SO's family is full of anti-socials like that. Be sure you find a quiet moment to tell him personally how much it means to you that he's coming/being a part of the ceremony. It may be truthfully very hard for him to muster the courage to be in a social situation. Perhaps if he knows how much you appreciate his efforts, he'll surprise you.

The Mel and Todd Show · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anti-social-father-of-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e167cc2f-f6cd-49a4-9189-1004420c67daPost:c940e6b1-7361-4f42-ac58-bebdee483cfb">Re: Anti-Social Father of the Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]I took the "pre-nuptual pizza party" as the RD, but maybe I'm wrong.
Posted by doctabroccoli[/QUOTE]

I really hope you're right. I was sitting here laughing uncontrollably at this, most notably at it's designation of being "low key." How does one determine the formality of a pre-nuptial pizza party? Number of toppings? Two toppings= morning dress, anything more than 5= black tie?

I don't have anything constructive to say that hasn't been said already. Say thank you when he shows up, don't worry about it when he doesn't.

taurasuzanne · December 2010

ok, we invented our "pre-nup pizza party", it is in lieu of a rehearsal dinner, and we're hosting it at our house. we have a lot of family & friends who will fly in for the wedding, and want to take the pressure to entertain off my mother, and see people before the bustle of the wedding day.
if there are 12 or more toppings on each pizza, bow ties will be supplied.

The Mel and Todd Show · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anti-social-father-of-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e167cc2f-f6cd-49a4-9189-1004420c67daPost:17a98352-51f5-4c68-b8aa-a2704c1d22f0">Re: Anti-Social Father of the Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]ok, we invented our "pre-nup pizza party", it is in lieu of a rehearsal dinner, and we're hosting it at our house. we have a lot of family & friends who will fly in for the wedding, and want to take the pressure to entertain off my mother, and see people before the bustle of the wedding day. <strong>if there are 12 or more toppings on each pizza, bow ties will be supplied.
</strong>Posted by taurasuzanne[/QUOTE]

I like you.

marinabreeze · December 2010

It might be social anxiety.

My FI is that guy. He gets really uncomfortable at public events, especially those that involve socializing. He gets nervous meeting new people, which is part of the reason why him meeting my family and friends has been a gradual process. He has started to become more comfortable with my immediate family (particularly my mom and brother), and my church small group, which I think are big steps for him.

I also have social anxiety, but not as extreme as FI's. When I was a kid/teen, I avoided social events and I had few friends. My parents didn't understand it, just thought I was shy and I should just make myself talk to people (my mom still thinks this). They got me my own phone line as a preteen to encourage me to talk to people (I was afraid of talking to people on the phone too). I learned to manage it a few years ago using a combination of a social anxiety support group, therapy, and immersion. Nowadays, I don't avoid social events all that often, but I have to really push myself to not appear creepy and silent, and I sometimes do leave early if I don't know a lot of people there.

For your FFIL, maybe that's his deal (even though he hasn't told you this...he may not even know he has it). As long as he supports the marriage, his avoiding of social events isn't the world's hugest deal. My FFIL is kind of like this, and given that both myself and FI struggle with social situations, neither of us are really worried about it.

If you do want to see him at events more often, maybe you and FI can gently encourage him to come to one of the events, saying that he's important to you guys and you really would like him there. Maybe his favorite alcoholic drink can help to loosen him up and make him feel more comfortable (although use with caution, especially if he has issues with alcohol). Also, is he married to FMIL (or someone else), or does he have a good friend or hangout buddy that he likes to spend time with? Maybe including that person will draw him out as well. But don't pressure him too much, and try to be understanding that being social just may not be something he's comfortable with, and that's okay.

taurasuzanne · December 2010

Not to get too personal, but maybe he does have a disorder. Kind of dropped out of life early on, doesn't have any friends, never went to any of his son's sporting or music events when he was a kid. He's great at dinners & things at his own house, but anything else is defiinitely out of his comfort zone & he doesn't participate. I know I just need to take a deep breath and move on, I could focus instead on my grandma not coming:)

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