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Living together before...

starlite21lstarlite21l member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My FI and I live together.  We are having our first meeting with the priest this Sat. and we were warned by someone that we cannot live together before marriage.  I am aware that traditionally you are not supposed to live together but in these financial times it was the best decision for us.  Is this going to be a problem when talking to the priest?

I posted this on the catholic board as well... but this board is more active!
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Re: Living together before...

  • Galaxy8227Galaxy8227
    First Comment
    I think it depends on which priest you are dealing with.  Ours had no issue with it and didn't even bat an eye when we told him. 
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  • baystateapplebaystateapple member
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    We've met with not only my priest, but the priest who will be marrying us.  The subject of cohabitation never came up, and nobody has directly asked us.  It depends entirely on the priest.

    I think you're going to get more input on the Catholic board than this one.
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  • Calypso1977Calypso1977 member
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    i replied to yoru post on teh catholic board.
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  • sclamssclams member
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    I think it's definitely going to depend on the church/priest. I'm not catholic, but my church specifically says that if you are living together you have to be willing to separate or they will not marry you. So keep your fingers crossed, but be ready to move or find a back-up location if they're strict about it!
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  • xyriusxyrius
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    we had absolutely no problem, our priest was very open about it - even the fact that we have a daughter too

    he still insists that we get the pre-marital counselling thing - en cana courses i think they're called?  but i believe everyone has to go through that
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  • LP11509LP11509 member
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    We were in a similar situation.  We just kept our mouths shut and used David's campus mailbox address (he was still a student) for his and our apartment address for mine on the paperwork The church never questioned it.  But we also had a different priest officiating, and he knew/didn't care at all.  The reason we didn't tell the priest from the church we used was because of this: (copied/pasted from a church brochure:)

    "It makes sense to have a public Catholic wedding only if a couple is attempting to live in the calling of Christ.  Couples living together before marriage will be asked to separate.  Couples unable to separate will be asked to plan a very small scale wedding (100 guests, one attendant each for bride and groom, simple music, organ, piano, and cantor only, and No Mass.  All couples married at (church name) are expected to follow the guidelines of the Diocese of Fort Wayne-South Bend:  BEFORE YOU SAY "I DO," PASTORAL CONSIDERATIONS FOR CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE TODAY.  Also included in your packet of materials is the book GETTING MARRIED LIVING TOGETHER and the booklet LIVING TOGETHER.  These materials will help explain the Church's teaching on this issue.  The priest working with you appreciates your honesty and willingness to address this issue together.  He will be happy to talk about your concerns and questions."

    Luckily we did all of our pre cana stuff with our officiant (who is here in DC, but we got married in IN). So it worked out ok for us...but that doesn't mean that the same thing wouldn't come back to bite someone else in the ass.  
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  • squirrlysquirrly member
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    When I was engaged the first time, it would have been a Catholic wedding.  We were living together, and admitted as much the priest.  He didn't care for it, but was polite about it.  We had to take an additional section on the compatability test because of that, and it would have added an additional requirement to our pre-cana counseling; however, we split before doing any of it.

    So, all in all, I think it really depends on the priest/diocese.  Maybe talk to the priest & let him know that financially living separate is difficult and that you're considering moving in together & ask if it would be a problem.  That's obviously not entirely a truthful statement, but it would let you feel out the situation. 
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  • MattsPenguinMattsPenguin member
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    LP - that's interesting.  I know that Emily (my friend who got married at your church) lived with her husband before they were married.  I wonder how they did that.  It was definitely not a "simple" ceremony.
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  • PharmacyBridePharmacyBride
    First Comment
    It completely depends on your priest.  Ours is very liberal for the Catholic Church.

    I would be 100% honest with him.  All of the pre-wedding meetings with the priest and pre-cana have helped FI and I.  You only will get out what you put into it.
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  • quirky75quirky75 member
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    edited September 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_living-together-before?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3bc679-21be-47a1-aeda-e2b62a9434f5Post:a876de02-4347-48ad-9faa-83922ef15c94">Re: Living together before...</a>:
    [QUOTE]We were in a similar situation.  We just kept our mouths shut and used David's campus mailbox address (he was still a student) for his and our apartment address for mine on the paperwork The church never questioned it.  But we also had a different priest officiating, and he knew/didn't care at all. 
    Posted by LP11509[/QUOTE]

    We did the SAME thing except it was my campus address! At the time I technically stilled lived there but was starting to move out. We did that with the priest who did the paperwork and put our date in the book because I knew he may be a pain. One of my closest friends just became a priest and will be our officiant - he knows we live together and doesn't care.

    I'd say maybe try talking to other couples getting/who got married at your church or try to find out the rules ahead of time. If not, you'll just have to take a guess at what you think the priest would LIKE to hear. The safe route though is to give 2 different addresses.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    FWIW, we told the truth.

    Yes, we knew the Church's teachings but we also knew that we weren't going to lie about our situation either.

    A friend was married in the same church as DH and me and she was told to perhaps take on a more brotherly/sisterly relationship with her DH before they wre married.  Basically, if they were going to cohabitate then to abstain.
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  • LP11509LP11509 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_living-together-before?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3bc679-21be-47a1-aeda-e2b62a9434f5Post:1b7f9b3e-69ed-46cb-b3e2-b9ea8e71e029">Re: Living together before...</a>:
    [QUOTE]LP - that's interesting.  I know that Emily (my friend who got married at your church) lived with her husband before they were married.  I wonder how they did that.  It was definitely not a "simple" ceremony.
    Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I'm actually not sure how much they actually enforce it, but I wasn't about to find out and risk losing the church. We had a hell of a time finding a church that would marry us in the first place because 1) I'm not Catholic, and 2). We wanted to use H's priest from here to officiate.  Actually, Father Bill (who I'm pretty sure did Emily's wedding also) ended up co-officiating ours in the end.  But based on the strong language in the brochure, I am asumming that they enforce it if they know that people live together. But it could be an "all talk, no action" kind of thing?</div>
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  • MattsPenguinMattsPenguin member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_living-together-before?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3bc679-21be-47a1-aeda-e2b62a9434f5Post:286bc0bb-958c-4432-93ff-1147c861fdfc">Re: Living together before...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before... : I'm actually not sure how much they actually enforce it, but I wasn't about to find out and risk losing the church. We had a hell of a time finding a church that would marry us in the first place because 1) I'm not Catholic, and 2). We wanted to use H's priest from here to officiate.  Actually, Father Bill (who I'm pretty sure did Emily's wedding also) ended up co-officiating ours in the end.  But based on the strong language in the brochure, I am asumming that they enforce it if they know that people live together. But it could be an "all talk, no action" kind of thing?
    Posted by LP11509[/QUOTE]
     
    Or maybe, since they liked her family so much, they let it slide.  It was her home church, and they even had the choir singing at the mass.

    Weird.  Anyway, just interesting.  Hope you feel better!!
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  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
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    My cousin and her FI told the truth at the cath church their families attend, and were denied.  Then her mother told her to LIE at the next cath church.  (Yeah, LIE to the new priest at the new church.)

    Well, she did.  And she was married in that new church without a problem.

    I'm not advocating that you lie to the top level of church officials in your town, but I am saying that some cath churches do stick to their rules, and if you don't like those rules, you should marry somewhere else.
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