Bridesmaid's Date Situation

cherbein · November 2010

I have a close friend who is essentially like a sister. For the past year and a half she has been dating a married man. He keeps telling her he's going to file for divorce, then it doesn't happen. I love my friend dearly, but do not approve of her relationship.

She's one of my bridesmaids and I've reached the point where I needed the counts for the reception hall. When I talked to her on the phone she asked me if I would be comfortable with her bringing her "boyfriend". I gave the honest answer that if he was still married, I'd prefer if she not bring him. She was pretty upset and wasn't able to talk after that. I told her that I always love her even if I don't always agree with the decisions she makes. She said she felt the same way and that since it's my wedding its my choice.

Even though I feel I made the right decision, I also feel horrible because she's one of my best friends and I hate making her upset.

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-date-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:69aeb5c8-b7bc-42ae-ad8c-a3c846df4bf7Post:29ecb642-6aec-4e58-9747-b5512fbb303c">Bridesmaid's Date Situation</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a close friend who is essentially like a sister. For the past year and a half she has been dating a married man. He keeps telling her he's going to file for divorce, then it doesn't happen. I love my friend dearly, but do not approve of her relationship. She's one of my bridesmaids and I've reached the point where I needed the counts for the reception hall. When I talked to her on the phone she asked me if I would be comfortable with her bringing her "boyfriend". I gave the honest answer that if he was still married, I'd prefer if she not bring him. She was pretty upset and wasn't able to talk after that. I told her that I always love her even if I don't always agree with the decisions she makes. She said she felt the same way and that since it's my wedding its my choice. Even though I feel I made the right decision, I also feel horrible because she's one of my best friends and I hate making her upset.
Posted by cherbein[/QUOTE]

<p>Regardless of how you feel about the situation, this is a good friend asking to bring the man she loves, who has been in her life for a year and a half. I would reconsider and tell her she can bring him. </p>

mica178 · November 2010

I'd probably tell her she can invite him. Chances are, if he still hasn't filed for divorce, he won't show up to a public event with her, so all your worry will be moot.

andy71781 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-date-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69aeb5c8-b7bc-42ae-ad8c-a3c846df4bf7Post:5658f044-96a4-4ee4-809b-a5a7052f63cb">Re: Bridesmaid's Date Situation</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Bridesmaid's Date Situation : Regardless of how you feel about the situation, this is a good friend asking to bring the man she loves, who has been in her life for a year and a half. I would reconsider and tell her she can bring him.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
I agree with this. Your wedding is not the time to make a statement about what you want your friend to do with her love life.

shoegal715 · November 2010

I would feel uncomfortable with it too, but I would also let her bring him.

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-date-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:69aeb5c8-b7bc-42ae-ad8c-a3c846df4bf7Post:b75d4c44-fae3-4919-b84b-90b4d771bef7">Re: Bridesmaid's Date Situation</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually kinda disagree. Your personal judgement of this situation aside, this isn't one of those "OMG, I don't like her date AT ALL, he is soooo lame." situations that people ask about all the time. This is a still-married (not separated or pending divorce) man. The typical answer is that if an individual is in a committed relationship, their date needs to be invited. This man is still committed to his wife, legally at least, and thus is NOT committed to the bridesmaid. He doesn't have to come. I would hold the same true if this bridesmaid had two or more boyfriends.... she obviously can't be that committed to one if there are still more on the side. The only problem I have with this is that the bridal party usually gets a +1 anyways, and if you do that, you can't really dictate whom the date is.
Posted by cbvcru67[/QUOTE]

Allowing him to come is out of respect for the BM, not their relationship.

GeauxTigers17 · November 2010

If you want to fall back on traditional etiquette, try this:

Husbands and wives are social units. Period. Etiquette is not concerned with motivations, and it's not your concern how "committed" you personally deem him to be.

Since they are a social unit and it's never appropriate to leave one of them off an invitation, you can't invite the husband without inviting the wife. And if you have to invite the wife....well that's going to get awkward.

Ok, in all seriousness -

I have no idea what to tell you. I'd have an issue with this too, but I agree with PPs that if you don't make a huge issue out of it, he's probably not going to come anyway. I find it hard to believe that a man who has a girlfriend on the side, and refuses to leave his wife, is going to risk showing up at a social occasion with her. He's going to solve this problem for you.

cbvcru67 · November 2010

I understand what you mean, DNB. And to be fair, I agree with what others have said about his likely not attending. So it probably is easier all around to just let her invite him and have the chips fall where they may. I just was pointing out that he can't be part of a second social unit/committed relationship/whatever you want to call it, while still engaged in the first relationship. So almost as a loop-hole, I don't think it's a requirement to have him. But, yes, it is probably a kinder thing to let her decide on her own, and more than likely better for the friendship.

Summer2011Bride · November 2010

Awkward, yes, definitely, and I agree with not approving of this whole relationship.

BUT, I would probably let her bring him. Chances are, he wouldn't feel comfortable going to a public event with his mistress essentially (I understand they've been serious for awhile but he IS still married!) If he wants to come, let him. Perhaps this will spur him to even file for divorce. Although it is your day, generally it's "proper etiquette": to let people bring whichever date they would like, whether we approve or not. I'd probably give in on this one and hope for the best.

squirrly · November 2010

I kind of feel like condoning adultery at your wedding is a little odd, so I understand your discomfort with inviting him. Personally, I would not invite him by name. Instead, I would invite her with an "and guest", and let what happens, happen. Refusing to use his name would be my "protest" against the relationship, while still not denying her a date. Depending on how your next conversation with her goes, I might express my concern with how other people will react to her guest being a married man, but I wouldn't tell her "no".

Nebb · November 2010

I do think its pretty brazen of your friend to think she should/could bring her married boyfriend to your wedding. I wouldnt invite him either. I just think its incredibly selfish to date a married man, regardless of the state of their marriage, its just enabling a person to intentionally hurt someone else. I think your friend needs a wakeup call and maybe this will be it.

NatandIsaac · November 2010

It could very well be a breach of etiquette, but I draw the line at adultery. I would not invite him.

NatandIsaac · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-date-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69aeb5c8-b7bc-42ae-ad8c-a3c846df4bf7Post:d4bc0537-dd1f-4042-a7db-442397878d74">Re: Bridesmaid's Date Situation</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that married BF would have to have cajones of steel to show up to a wedding with his mistress. I agree with Squirrly, give her an "and guests" and see how the cards fall. I would be mighty disapproving of a friend who chose to engage in adultery, as well, FWIW. If he does show up, you will see him for five minutes. <strong>If you're feeling especially catty, ask how his wife is doing.</strong>
Posted by katelynbrian[/QUOTE]

<div>LOL. Two thumbs up.</div>

jeanna85 · November 2010

Is he separated from his wife or are they still living together? I mean if this is full-on adultery I'm sure he would decline and rather not be seen in public. I also know people who haven't divorced yet because of random reasons but both spouses are dating other people and its ok.

eastunder1 · November 2010

I'm speechless at how many people are so blase about a committed married man** being a date of someone else to a wedding. Does no one have lines anymore? No. No, you can not bring your married boyfriend to my wedding and act like your relationship is ok. FFS. Cheating husbands and the women who are disrespectful enough to love them do not get the same courtesies of etiquette that everyone else does. Sorry. I know she's your friend and you want to make her happy, but just...No.

(**Im assuming this is the case, not just a "we've been separated for months/years but have never bothered to file" thing. If its the latter, that changes things.)

chrissyjake · November 2010

A wedding is a celebration of love and commitment and I think he would be a hypocrite for actually coming.....

But....I also would invite him if my friendship was important.

bethsmiles · November 2010

I have a huge problem with women who date married men (or vice versa) I honestly don't know if I could continue a friendship with someone who was so selfish. While I think that your BM should be allowed a date and usually I would say that you don't get to dictate who that date is, she brought up the opportunity for you to deny her the option of bringing him. I think she knows that she shouldn't be dating him or especially bringing him to an event celebrating the vows that she is helping him break.

In this case I would say that you already told her she shouldn't bring him so you should stop worrying about it. Nobody is perfect on etiquette so IMO should just let this one go and stop stressing about it.

banana468 · November 2010

I'm going to echo PPs that say you absolutely do not have to invite her with the BF at all. Unless they're married and separated, he's actively involved in an affair and cheating on his wife. As PPs said, I'd have issues with my friendship if my friend invited me to be a party to that situation in general. What she's doing is dishonest and she shouldn't expect others to go along with this.

I'd honestly have a long talk with her, "You know I love you and you're my BM but I have to say that if I knew this is what you were doing back when I got engaged, I don't know that I would have asked you to stand up in the wedding."

rjtutter · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-date-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:69aeb5c8-b7bc-42ae-ad8c-a3c846df4bf7Post:eaf9ad96-4b62-4172-bbd4-cb1dcffcff28">Re: Bridesmaid's Date Situation</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm speechless at how many people are so blase about a committed married man** being a date of someone else to a wedding. Does no one have lines anymore? No. No, you can not bring your married boyfriend to my wedding and act like your relationship is ok. FFS. Cheating husbands and the women who are disrespectful enough to love them do not get the same courtesies of etiquette that everyone else does. Sorry. I know she's your friend and you want to make her happy, but just...No. (**<strong>Im assuming this is the case, not just a "we've been separated for months/years but have never bothered to file" thing. If its the latter, that changes things</strong>.)
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE]

Just a question for all of you... does the fact that two people are separated (but not divorced) change what is acceptable in your mind?

For me, as long as the people are in the process of actively seeking a divorce, I think that's acceptable. There's a situation in my family, though, where they've been "dating" for over 5 years, and the guy still hasn't filed for divorce, and quite frankly has no intentions to do so any time soon. It definitely makes people question if he's even serious about this new relationship.

I guess I don't understand the "never bothered to file". If you're serious about ending your marriage, and being with someone else. File.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2010

I don't think you should be forced to condone adultery at your wedding, even if they are "together." This is one of those situations where the "social unit" rule should not apply. Similarly, if my friend were dating a convicted felon and I was very uncomfortable with his past (say he was a rapist), I might take issue with her bringing him. Or if someone were dating your ex boyfriend who verbally abused you, I don't think you would *have* to let her bring him. Make sense?

zantster · November 2010

Hmmm...it seems like PPs are pretty much eitehr strongly for or strongly against. I am surprised that your friend wouldn't feel sheepish herself about watching sacred vows and the celebration of those vows between you and your FI while sitting next to her married beau. One silver lining may be that experiencing your day with you may give her second thoughts about continuing her liaison.

I am personally strongly against that type of relationship. But I also was brought up to believe judge not that ye be not judged. So not to be holier than thou but I would leave the judgments and prohibitions alone and simply invite her and a "guest." In that way you have made your feelings known but not directly forbidden her from bringing him nor will you have actually invited him. Let her deal with any eventual repercussions from continuing to have a romantic relationship with him and just be a good friend with a listening ear. It's not like you have to go on double dates with them or be in their combined presence beyond the wedding date right?

zantster · November 2010

Oops! I meant to spell out the word "either."

tenofcups4me · November 2010

I've got the same question as others. Is he "married" as in having a secret affair or "married" as in separated, the marriage is over, but they haven't officially filed for divorce for whatever their own personal reasons are?

Case A: Don't invite him. You're entirely within your rights to say you're not comfortable having her bring a married man as a date to your wedding.

Case B: Of course he should be invited. There are all sorts of financial and other reasons that divorces can drag out.

AlmostMrsStrong · November 2010

The whole time I was reading this, I kept thinking about the married beau actually attending, and then his wife showing up at your wedding and there being a HUGE scene. Unlikely, sure, but I know I wouldn't want to risk it.

cherbein · November 2010

Thanks to everyone for your input. The date in question is decidely married, still living with his wife, and has not filed for divorce or legally separated. There is no agreement in place that he has an "open marriage" or anything like that where his wife would condone his seeing someone else. He's been telling my friend since the get go that he's planning to leave his wife, but has been making excuses for why he hasn't done so.

I invited her with an "and guest" and she then asked me if I would be comfortable with her bringing the married man. I didn't flat out say "no" but answered honestly that as he is still a married man I would prefer she not bring him. I just couldn't lie and say I was okay with it because I am not on many levels.

lyndausvi · November 2010

We invited my MIL's BF of almost 20 years who is married to our wedding. He has attended other family weddings. He could not make it but sent a very generous gift.

Honestly I think the relationship is weird, but to my DH and his family it's, dare I say 'normal'. I'm told his wife is old school Catholic and refuses to get a divorce. I'm not sure how much the wife knows or doesn't know, it's just all weird to me.

(my MIL married 2 a*holes. This guy has been nothing but nice and generous to my MIL and her kids. I kind of get why they like him. He is the only man who has not screwed her over their mom.)

zantster · November 2010

I invited her with an "and guest" and she then asked me if I would be comfortable with her bringing the married man. I didn't flat out say "no" but answered honestly that as he is still a married man I would prefer she not bring him. I just couldn't lie and say I was okay with it because I am not on many levels.

Well, since she asked you point blank then you are definitely within your rights to say that you are extremely uncomfortable with his presence and would very much prefer that she choose a different guest if she wants to bring one. I would even throw in a little guilt by saying that you hope that as your BM she will respect your wishes. Again, if you did it this way you would be expressing your honest feelings as clearly as you possibly can without directly imposing your values on her by specifically forbidding his presence.

At the end of the day I think you should leave the decision up to her as an adult woman about which "guest" she brings and hope, pray or whatever that she has the common sense to make the right decision as your friend. Try to be understanding about the fact that common sense isn't that common. Good luck!

Judith233 · November 2010

All I can say is good luck. And I agree with the PP about potential drama going down at the wedding. You don't know the wife (I'm assuming), so if she finds out what's going on the week before your wedding she might show up and make a scene. When people feel hurt and betrayed, you never know what they might do.

SeptemberFall2011 · November 2010

I HAVE A DIFFERENT STANCE!!!

I am wondering what type of marriage this is. If this is what others assume do the and guest bit but if this is a marriage that is open. I don't see the problem. The married couple have agreed to date others to keep their marriage spicy. (Weird I know but moving on.) In the end, the sister-bridesmaid is going to be hurt if she continues to hope for him to file for divorce. I have known guys to be in open marriages and say they aren't happy or will file for divorce just to keep a stable girl on the side.

Leave it up to sister-bridesmaid to decide with her boyfriend.

cherbein · November 2010

It's not an open marriage and as far as I can tell the wife has no clue. The guy just says his wife is crazy, controlling, etc... What makes the situation even sadder is that the guy has a kid with his wife.

I do think that my friend is going to get hurt in the long run and my mom's suggestion was to let her bring the guy and to let my mom have at him. Not quite the response I expected from mom, but somewhat amusing none the less.

At this point, I'm going to let the matter be with my answer of "if he's still married, I would prefer you not bring him". She didn't bring him to her sister's wedding last summer and even though they've been "together" a year and a half he has never met any of her family. I do not need any extra drama at my wedding and I don't want to drag the matter up again for further discussions because I'm not sure I can have an honest conversation about her relationship without saying things that would hurt her again.

SeptemberFall2011 · November 2010

That is weird to bring him to Wedding B but not Wedding A..As I thought about it I wondered if your friend has such incredibly low self-esteem that it's not even funny for sitcoms...I ask because most girls I know that are willing to date engaged or married men (or serious boyfriends) just because they feel they can't get anything better so they settle for the two-timing snake. Is she one of those women?

I also wonder if she is using your wedding as a test for him-By bringing him to your wedding she is safe (no evil glares from family) and able to see how committed he is to her.

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