Not Engaged Yet

confusing men!!

Hi Ladies!! This is my first post on The Knot.

   Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year this month. Since the first day we got together we have been inseparable and rarely go a day w/o being together. We started talking about getting married about 6 months in but not until about 2 months ago did it get really serious. In October we were going to his cousin's wedding for which he was a groomsman in. Maybe it was just wedding fever, but the next day we were talking and he said he wanted to elope, I thought about it for a few days and at first I thought I could do it but the more and more seriously I considered it I realized it so hard to give up the idea of having a real wedding. A real wedding for me isn’t a large production or anything just a small country wedding with a few close friends and family. I didn’t think this was too much to ask. After I told him this we talked it through a bit and it came down to him jumping ahead of himself and he wanted to wait a while longer before we got married. I was okay with this and said for him to think on it a while and whenever he was ready I’ll still be here, that I’m not going anywhere.
    For the past couple months thing have been back to normal and we hadn’t mentioned it at all. But then all the sudden last week he made a comment about how when my less is up in February things will change and I won’t be living on my own anymore. I just let the comment go and figured if it was something he wanted to talk about he would..Now I’m confused..and while I haven’t brought it up its driving me nuts trying to figure out what he's thinking. Any opinion's or suggestions on what to do?????
Rebecca

Re: confusing men!!

  • IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2012
    First off, paragraphs are your friend. Second off, he may just be asking you to move in with him. Chill out. Third, proper spelling and capitalization are your friends, as well. Just saying.
  • Proofreading, spell-check and paragraphs = please use them. 

    How old are you?



  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_confusing-men?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b5e8ce4d-96d4-40de-b968-8cbbe0a8c01aPost:60c35e8a-a9a6-40c6-a8a5-ee76a5c99db8">confusing men!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi Ladies!! This is my first post on The Knot. Me and my boyfriend ahve been together for a year this month. Since the first day we got together we have been inseperably and rarely go a day w/o being together. We started talking about getting married about 6 months in but not unitl about 2 months ago did it get really serious. In October we were going to his cousin's wedding for which he was a groomsman in. Maybe it was just wedding fever, but the next day we were talking and he said he wanted to elope, Ithought about it for a few days and at first i thought i could do it but the more and more seriously i considered it i realized it so hard to give up the idea of having a real wedding. A real wedding for me isnt a large production or anything just a small country wedding with a few close friends and family. So i didnt thing this was to much to ask. After i told him this we talked it through a bit and it came down to him jumping a head of himself and he wanted to wait a while longer before we got married. I ws okay with this and said for him to think on it a while and whenever he was ready i'll still be here, that im not going anywhere. Soooo...for the past couple months thing have been back to normal and we hadnt mentioned it at all. But then all the sudden last week he made a comment about how when my less is up in february things will change and i wont be living on my own anymore. I just let the comment go abnd figured if it was something he wnated to talk about he would..Now im confused..and while i havent brought it up its driving me nuts trying to figure out what he's thinking. Any opinion's or suggestions on what to do?????
    Posted by REBA0115[/QUOTE]

    <div>I can tell this is your first post.</div><div>
    </div><div>1) Use paragraphs.  They are your friend.</div><div>2) Use spellcheck.  Your little friend with the ABC down thur.</div><div>
    </div><div>Now, for the meat of your question.  You need to have open communication with him.  Maybe he thinks you're moving in together, but for you that's not on the table until marriage.  Maybe he's proposing.  Maybe he's buying you a farm with a pony and is relieved that you no long have to "less."  I'd sit down with yourself and look at your financials and your feelings about what the timeline should be (and write it down,) and then sit down with him and discuss timeline.  </div><div>A timeline is a loose, fluid framework for when things happen.  For instance, when my SO and I talked 3 years ago, we said engaged by summer, living together by winter, married a year after engagement, start trying for kids by 5 years.  Plans ended up different (moved in by summer, engaged in fall, married a year later, at 3 years started trying for kids and then decided to put it off a while) but it gave us some expectation.</div><div>
    </div><div>Just like if you've been watching New Girl, Cece has an epiphany that she doesn't want to be with her current boyfriend because he wants kids in 10 years and her fertile time is running out.  There might be a dealbreaker for you, or adjustments or compromises that you have to reach.</div><div>
    </div><div>HTH.</div>
  • Okay okay okay..i fixed the spelling and the paragraph's. haha I have a bad tendancy to do that.
     Also I am 21 and my boyfriend is  21 as well .
    I'm okay with moving in together before getting married, except that his house is next door to his parents and his dad happens to be the pastor of our very conservative baptist church. We've talked about it and waiting until we're are married to live together would be much less stressful on both the relationship with the parents and the relationship between us.
    Rebecca
  • Honestly, if I were you I would just ask your BF if he is serious about moving in together in February. There is absolutely nothing wrong with working out a timeline for your relationship and your expectations of where you would like to be.

    One thing to add is you are very young and you have only been together for a year so you really need to communicate with your BF before seriously considering marriage.
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  • motoLynmotoLyn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2012
    Hi and welcome to the forum.  I really urge you to just sit down and talk to your boyfriend.  Explain to him what it is that you are uncomfortable with and what you would like to do and address that you want to make sure that what he wants and what you want are on the same page.  Really before contemplating marriage you both need to be able to communicate openly and honestly with each other.  You both have plenty of time to figure things out. 
  • edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_confusing-men?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b5e8ce4d-96d4-40de-b968-8cbbe0a8c01aPost:609a14db-8deb-4f57-8386-f9bc9db0d600">Re: confusing men!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay okay okay..i fixed the spelling and the paragraph's. haha I have a bad tendancy to do that.  Also I am 21 and my boyfriend is  21 as well . I'm okay with moving in together before getting married, except that his house is next door to his parents and his dad happens to be the pastor of our very conservative baptist church. We've talked about it and waiting until we're are married to live together would be much less stressful on both the relationship with the parents and the relationship between us.
    Posted by REBA0115[/QUOTE]

    TENDENCY!  YOU HAVE A DREADFUL TENDENCY TO DO THAT. 

    For the rest, just no  I haven't had any coffee yet, so you are getting the short version.  That version is no. 

    P.S. If what I am reading is your 'fixed' post, I am scared. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_confusing-men?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b5e8ce4d-96d4-40de-b968-8cbbe0a8c01aPost:b3312597-bb38-469f-adab-1422eddf0807">Re: confusing men!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: confusing men!! : TENDENCY!  YOU HAVE A DREADFUL TENDENCY TO DO THAT.  For the rest, just no  I haven't had any coffee yet, so you are getting the short version.  That version is no.  P.S. If what I am reading is your 'fixed' post, I am scared. 
    Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

    OMG!  Mutley, your kids are getting SO big!
  • Hi and welcome!

    Like PPs said, he might just be asking you to move in. Talk to him about it. I understand the excitement and the want to share with someone, but the only one able to answer you question is you bf. Good luck!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_confusing-men?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b5e8ce4d-96d4-40de-b968-8cbbe0a8c01aPost:609a14db-8deb-4f57-8386-f9bc9db0d600">Re: confusing men!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay okay okay..i fixed the spelling and the paragraph's. haha I have a bad tendancy to do that.  Also I am 21 and my boyfriend is  21 as well . I'm okay with moving in together before getting married, except that his house is next door to his parents and his dad happens to be the pastor of our very conservative baptist church. <strong>We've talked about it and waiting until we're are married to live together would be much less stressful on both the relationship with the parents and the relationship between us.</strong>
    Posted by REBA0115[/QUOTE]

    <div>And this is why the church can go jump off a cliff, esp the conservative ones. </div>
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    "You're our early 20's BSC scarecrow. They cower at your maturity." - lennonkdc Anniversary
  • If you are old enough to pay your own bills and talk about getting married, you're old enough to set boundaries with your parents and define your own relationship.
    I french with my man
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_confusing-men?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b5e8ce4d-96d4-40de-b968-8cbbe0a8c01aPost:8c088507-ff8d-4824-bca1-6f6acc0806eb">Re: confusing men!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: confusing men!! : OMG!  Mutley, your kids are getting SO big!
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

    Those pictures are almost 3 months old.  They are even bigger now. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_confusing-men?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b5e8ce4d-96d4-40de-b968-8cbbe0a8c01aPost:1f11f878-a2d0-4798-97d4-529e0278c40d">Re:confusing men!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you are old enough to pay your own bills and talk about getting married, you're old enough to set boundaries with your parents and define your own relationship.
    Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]
    Your signature line is very appropriate for this application, pee    k.<div>
    </div><div>OP, are you ready to have a conversation with your boyfriend?  No?  Okay, you aren't ready to get married, so don't sweat it.</div><div>
    </div><div>No one ever told me that getting married is like trying to learn to live as a conjoined twin.  There's cool parts, like being together more, but there's not so great parts, like getting comfortable and dealing with being responsible for another person.  Want to go out with your girlfriends and your spouse is throwing up?  That's to have and to hold, in sickness and in health.  So enjoy being young.  Take a freshman comp class or pick up a new hobby.  Don't rush to get hitched up.</div>
  • edited December 2012
    Hi OP!  I'm also 21 and am super duper in love.  Isn't it great to be an independent adult?   My BF and I talk about our (maybe) future all the time and sometimes it gets really tempting for me to run away with ideas of what he means when he says something vague.  

    So I ask him.  Because we both believe that open communication is of vital importance in our relationship.  And we're both mature enough to be honest with each other.  Stop trying to read his mind.  You are not an Legilimens (as awesome as that would be!).  

    Also, if you want to wait until marriage (not just engagement) to move in together, Feb is pretty soon to be married?  Unless he still wants to elope?  So yeah, talk to him about that.  
  • My boyfriend asked me to elope after four months, again at six months, and then again at one year. I kept saying, "No, I want my family there."

    He moved in with me after a year and a half and stopped talking about eloping. Now we talk about having a small wedding. I still don't have a ring, and we're coming up on three years. Some friends of ours got engaged a couple of weeks ago, and while we were talking about it, he said that he doesn't want to rush it and he'd rather wait until some things settle down and we don't have as much on our plate. I told him that's fine with me since I'm happy and don't feel a need to add planning a wedding to our current stress.

    My point is, he may just be fantasizing, which is fine, but you need to let him know what page you're on and see if he's on the same page. It's okay to talk about these things, especially since you're so completely in love and inseparable.

    Additionally, he needs to let you know if he wants you to move in with him because most landlords need 30 days notice if you're going to move out at the end of your lease. So, this is a conversation you should be having before New Years. He can't just leave you up in the air like that. I'd want to know exactly what he means by "won't be living on your own anymore" so I could figure out my plans.
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