I need to vent... sorry

PhillyGal34 · November 2009

So I have been engaged for a little over two weeks. We have booked our reception and ceremony sites (same place) and are moving along nicely (the wedding is in less than a year).

My issue is that EVERYONE has to put in their two cents about everything! How do you all deal with this? I am so sick of hearing "oh you should do this" or "really? you want to do that?" It's OUR wedding! I didn't do any of that for anyone else's weddings, even when I was in them! Why do they think they have a right to tell me how to handle my day? I understand most of it is well intentioned and I appreciate the help to a point but when I am telling people about ideas I have that mean something to my fiance and I and they shut them down because they wouldn't do them it really hurts my feelings... they are not getting married, we are!

it's gotten to a point that I am just not having any fun with this... what should i do? this is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life!

thanks for letting me vent

mocha beans · November 2009

I'd stop talking about wedding stuff. If they ask, change the subject; "Really, you think so? We'll think about it. Have you tried the salsa, it's awesome!"

It's not likely going to stop, best bet is to just grit your teeth and bear it.

jeannigirl · November 2009

Ok sweetie, my advice would be not to tell anyone of your plans or details. If they ask just tell tell them things are rolling along great then change the subject.

It can be upsetting and you should be excited and happy so just remember that this is your day so smile and get excited about that planning and you can def come to the boards to tell us all about your planning.

PhillyGal34 · November 2009

thank you... i know they are trying to be helpful but its just too much!!!!!!

jeannigirl · November 2009

I hear you on that. unsolicted advice its so annoying, I've had a couple people that do that and I am thinking did I ask for your two cents? I had one neighbor tell me that I wasn't even wanting to take her help or suggestions. I am thinking wow you really have some nerve to get pissy with me and I did not even ask for your help or advice. I even thanked her and told her that I would give her ideas some thought.

I learned to just say things are coming along and hey how about that game.

PhillyGal34 · November 2009

that seems to be the biggest thing... not giving details. I realized its like naming a baby... if you say hey we are naming our baby Yellow people will say oh i don't like that name or i know a girl named Yellow and she was horrible! if you have the baby and say hi this is my baby yellow they will say oh she is so cute! same thing here, they can all see the details that day!!!

jeannigirl · November 2009

Thats what I say phillygal, because you like it and it makes you and FI happy and it reflects you. So have lots of fun.

So out of curiosity share with us what you got going on with your details cause I'm nosy and I so love to hear all the details of what people's weddings are like. It shows so much of who you are. We are going with a nautical theme with colors of Navy,gold,sand some yellow and some red. Our look will be anchors and rope with navigation maps and nautical flags. I am sooooo excited!

PhillyGal34 · November 2009

oh cute!

well since we booked at a really nice ballroom its pretty elagent... i am going with eggplant colored BM dresses but honestly we have NOTHING planned since we just got engaged. the only things i know are the color and location haha we dont really have a theme other than purple haha

AmandaS23 · November 2009

I get a lot of clients that ask me how the planning is going and all I tell them is that things are going well or that almost everything is done at this point (whether or not that's true

)
If you refuse to give them details then they can't commit on them. I also change the subject so they can't pry any further. If that doesn't work you can always give them a blank stare and ask "what wedding?"

PhillyGal34 · November 2009

hahaha as much as I hate to see other people going through this I am glad I am not alone... I tried venting to my MOH (who is already married) and she says I am making too much of a deal about it... but the problem is that I haven't said anything to anyone and then just needed to explode!!!!!!

megk8oz · November 2009

Believe it or not, from my own experience anyway, after a while, most people stop doing this eventually, so it gets WAY more tolerable (Some people never shut up, but these are the same people that will do the same thing when it comes to everything from raising babies to decorating your house). It seems that the more you get "finalized", the less things they can suggest to you, so they just stop making the suggestions (Somebody pushing a certain florist on you? The second you pick somebody else, they stop talking about it). Otherwise, Mocha's "salsa" suggestion can be put in to play (Most people on the boards refer to it as "Bean Dipping"), it's actually very helpful.

For me, the single most annoying thing (And trust me, to some degree you will hear this from somebody) was "Why waste all that money? Just go to a courthouse".

I actually work with what must be the most bitter woman on the planet, because she always takes that one to the next step of tacking on "Pretty much every couple your age gets divorced anyway". Ignore it, ignore it, ignore it. I am a MONTH away from my wedding and whenever one of my co-workers asks me about planning, she could be on a different floor in a meeting, some sort of Bat Signal goes off, because 2 seconds later, she's STILL right there saying "I still don't know why you're spending so much, you only needed to go to a courthouse for $50 and been done with it. You're going to be sorry in 5 years when you realize fairy tale weddings don't equal fairy tale marriages". When FI was away on business a few weeks ago, she also liked to say to me "So sleeping alone is hard? Don't worry, you'll get used to it".

Now, she's never even MET my FI, she knows nothing about me or our relationship to judge whether or not we having staying power (I will say this, I'm not showing up to work covered in bruises or receiving obviously threatening phone calls through the day), I've never even mentioned in front of her if we've had a fight (Which, we rarely fight). And while she makes it sound like I'm having a plantinum wedding, our entire budget (Includes our entire honeymoon and us chipping in to help people pay for attire) is $12,500.

So it totally makes me want to punch her in the face, but at the same time, I have to look at what I just said: she doesn't know us, and clearly has no idea what she's talking about. So I suck it up and say nothing at work, but then go home and laugh about what she says to FI and my friends.

Cheer up! You can always come here to share your ideas. I strongly reccommend hooking up with your club board, these are girls that are literally in the same boat as you. You've only been engaged for 2 weeks, planning isn't supposed to stop being fun until you're like at my stage (Where you're just thinking "Omg, can't this month just be OVER already?!?!!?", lol).

Best Wishes!

PhillyGal34 · November 2009

what do you mean my club board????

thanks guys... that is one of the big ones... my MOH was telling me there was no way I could do it on my original budget (which we ended up increasing anyway) and my family is telling us how insane it is for us to spend what we are spending. I'd rather not say how much it is but it is a little more than average with the honeymoon factored in... its really none of their business... i mean if we were begging them for money I can see people having a right to complain but we have not asked for anything (although our families have offered to pitch in which is VERY appreciated!)... maybe I'll just say that, "if you want an opinion then you can pay for it" !!!

goheels05 · November 2009

Club boards are boards for each month; you join the one for the month and year you are getting married. It's a great resource for planning; just go to "community" on your left and click "wedding club boards" and select the month/year you are getting married.

PhillyGal34 · November 2009

:-) Thanks!!!!!

megk8oz · November 2009

As far as your budget goes, you don't need to advertise (I was really just throwing mine out there because, you really would think from how my coworker talks, I'm having a $500,000 wedding, and clearly, I'm not, lol), but that's because it's your business. Like you said, if you were begging family members for help or something, that'd be one thing. But as long as you and your FI aren't going into unmanagable debt over the wedding, then just take that in stride. I could see if you were spending $100,000 on the wedding and your yearly combined incomes being like $40,000 somebody having cause for concern. But pretty much every couple paying for their own wedding is going to go into some type of debt over it, it's just a matter if you're financially able to get yourself OUT of the debt. If you and your FI have that part under control, then you've got the green light as far as I'm concerned.

jeannigirl · November 2009

Do keep us posted would like to hear more has time goes on, I love purple that should be pretty any other colors you're thinking of?

A Ballroom does sound elegant and beautiful. Ours will be at a Marina and right on the waterfront. The greatest thing that I am excited about other than marrying this man is our exit. We will be departing on our friends Criss-Craft which will moored right at the dock. We will be taking lots of pics of that and we will be doing it right around sunset. Is that awesome or what?

julieanna21 · November 2009

Jeanni, that does sound amazing!

People's opinions are not the worst of it, when they don't get their way and call your FI crying about who gets a corsage, hating the Beatles, buying you toasting glasses knowing you are using the ones your mother passed down, etc, then you will scream I'm the bride! and you will be called rude. Personally I think it's rude to try to get their way at your wedding in the first place, but you will just find yourself being told these things are no big deal over and over until you want to punch someone. And then they give you money you weren't expecting, which is awesome, until you realize you're expected to sell your soul in return:) Sort of like when you know something shady is going on and you're accused of being nuts for suspecting it, and you wonder how no one can see this but you! It's just all part of the process, no clue why people insist on torturing each other, but it seems to just be the way it is.

Meg, I know exactly the lady at work you're talking about! I have one too but luckily she's out of office a lot. When I got my ring she said next thing you know he'll be taking you to small claims court for it. I just tell myself how lucky I am not to be that jaded miserable woman. She's like that for a reason, and she probably can't even help herself.

megk8oz · November 2009

Julie, omg, this woman! Like you would seriously think I did nothing but talk about how awful my FI is the way she keeps insisting it won't work out. Just because her marriage failed over 10 years ago and she never met anybody else after (And I'm really not trying to be rude, this is the kind of thing she likes to broadcast when informing me on how "wise" she is), does not mean it happens to every single other person on the planet.

And I can't help but wonder why her marriage failed with that dazzling personality she has. What man could walk away from that?

PhillyGal34 · November 2009

hahaha i was thinking the same thing! NO WONDER SHE IS MISERABLE! WHO COULD LIVE WITH HER??????

Meg that is the funny thing... we are not going into ANY debt!!!! in fact, i refuse to dip into my nest egg for the wedding so we will be walking away with some of our savings and whatever money we get as gifts... so I really see no reason why they are flipping out! my favorite is "well i didnt pay anything near that much!" and I want to say "yes and you got married 40 years ago!!!!!!!!" haha

Jeanni- that sounds amazing!!!!!!

NotNumbers · November 2009

Seriously, I've said it before but I'll say it again: I found the biggest lie people ever tell you about wedding planning is "It's your day, do what you want". What they really mean is "It's your day, do what you want, so long as it matches what I think you should do".

Ditto all the pps who said stop sharing details. My stock answer when people asked how planning as going was "It's ticking along, thanks" then change the subject. Weddings do bring out the crazy in people, no doubt about that.

Meg, what a peach! Yes, her winning personality would certainly be hard for any man to resist.

megk8oz · November 2009

Yeah, if you're not going into debt, then they really can just cram it. It sounds like you guys have it under control.

And yes, totally get the "You got married 40 years ago". Another big one is "Yes, you got married for less than that, but you had a backyard BBQ in Kansas!". I'm from NJ (Judging from your Screen Name, you're dealing w/ similar pricing to what I've encountered), pretty much the only way to have a wedding that costs less than $10,000 is to have 30 guests and cater it at a firehouse. Which there's nothing wrong with that, but FI and I did not have the ability to cut the guest list that small (He has a big Italian family, I have a big Polish family, just inviting first cousins had us at 100 people, lol).

jeannigirl · November 2009

Julie: You hit it right on by what you said, true but really love the way you put it. Love to hear more from you. You sound like someone I'd like to talk more to.

jeannigirl · November 2009

You to phillygirl can't leave you out.

PhillyGal34 · November 2009

hahahahaha thanks!!!!

this really helped me feel better! thanks guys! I was scared to post something because I have seen some threads get pretty out of control with attacking the person who was doing the venting but i was at wit's end.... whew! I took your advice and when a friend at work asked about if we got any planning done over the weekend i lied and said "nah, we took a wedingcation and just relaxed" ... eventually i am hoping they stop asking but for now I'll just deflect :-)

julieanna21 · November 2009

Lol thanks! Weddincation, we all need one...When people push me really far regarding trivial things like why I must bring flowers to Mary...sidenote, Catholic wedding, church lady asked if we want to bring flowers to Mary, FI said "who's Mary?"...lmao, and then when she told him he said oh of course we do. Anyway, if I don't want to do every little tradition I get crap about it, but when really pushed I point out that it's a 50% divorce rate and all the pushers are divorced at least once so wtf difference does the fact that my flower girls are carrying disco balls have to do with the sanctity of our marriage? I'm not being like that lady at work Meg, lol, our chances of wedded bliss are 100% of course:P I'm just saying! But it usually is the funniest stuff to write and read about on these forums, wedding torture, so it's all for a good cause;)

suzmadeley · December 2009

Hey its ok, we all just want to pull out thier hair sometimes and scream! lol but really just plan it between ou two then send out invites and surprize!! they will find out when you have it, its about you, not them!

phoeny_moonstar · December 2009

I agree with changing the subject. Plan the wedding you want, not what other people want.

I need to vent... sorry

Re: I need to vent... sorry

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