NWR Etiquette Question

rubyjem00 · December 2010

I was hoping you ladies could help with some etiquette advice that isn't really wedding related.

DH and I are going on a trip over Christmas so we are exchanging presents with his family on Tuesday. Since I am not currently working, I offered to host dinner and have everyone (a total of 5 people) over for dinner and holiday festivities. I haven't decided on a menu yet but every time it comes up, someone has something else they can't/don't want to eat. My SIL informed me that her FI is a "simple eater" and asked that any sauces, cheese, etc. be left on the side for him (and if I couldn't do that then she would just bring a meal for him). To the best of my knowledge, these are personal preferences and not dietary concerns. My MIL is on a gluten free diet because it helps with her knee problems. I am by no means a chef so most likely we would be having a chicken dish with several sides.

I am also throwing a shower for my SIL (it will be a dessert shower with some cheeses, nuts, and drinks) and when I mentioned to my MIL what I was planning on having to drink - hot apple cider, water, and perhaps one other drink - she told me that I need to be sure to have a non sugar drink for her. Fair enough. I understand not wanting to have too much sugar in your diet. But wouldn't water fit that bill?

So my question is this: how much do I need to do to accomodate all these special requests? I certainly want my guests to be happy so do I need to take into account everyone's preference? Or should I just make what I am going to make and hope everyone can find something in the mix to eat. Growing up, I was always told that when I went to someone's house, I took what was offered and tried to eat a bit of it, even if I didn't like it. Then I said it was delicious

.

If I need to accomodate everyone, that is fine. I am new at "hosting" so I truly don't know how to proceed.

CN: Exactly how much deference am I supposed to give to dietary concerns/ preferences when planning a holiday meal?

annakb8 · December 2010

I am a very picky eater (or simple eater as I guess people are calling it these days) and I do not expect people to conform to my food tastes. If I go to dinner at someones house I go knowing that there is a very good possibility that I will not like everything, or even most of, what they have to offer and I just eat what I can. I am never offended when someone serves food that I choose not to eat. Key word here is choose, when people don't have a choice (i.e. allergies) than that is a different story.
I don't really think you are obligated to tailor your menu to their specific preferences, with the exception of offering some gluten-free options (although it is perfectly ok to have some dishes with gluten as well.) As for keeping sauce or cheese on the side, I think it would probably be nice if you could do this, but if you are serving this meal family style I would expect gravy and things like that to be on the side anyways. Your house isn't a restaurant where the meal comes fully plated for everyone (at least I don't think you were planning on serving that way.) As for the shower, yes, water does count as a sugar free option. It might be a good idea to make coffee or pick up a 2 liter of Diet Coke for her just in case.

Snippylynn · December 2010

God, I hate people like that. I guess that means I hate my H! ha. Kiddin'. Anyway, I agree with Anna. Those people need to learn some damn manners. When a host/ess asks if there's anything you can't eat, you don't put things in the list that you *won't* eat. I hate mushrooms, but if they're in a dish my hostess made, I sure as hell wouldn't throw a hissy.

Honestly, just stop asking and do what you can without over-thinking it all.

mkrupar · December 2010

It shouldn't be too hard to make a main chicken dish gluten free. If you're having veggies or a salad, that would also cover gluten free. Mashed potatoes can be gluten free. There's all sorts of things out there that you can do (not that you have to) that can easily be gluten free. I think your MIL will be able to find things to eat with whatever you end up making.

Ditto PPs - They should be greatful you're hosting them and eat what you have to offer. I hate beans so when I go to someone's house that offers them, I say "no thank you". I can't even try them and pretend to like them. No joke, I think they're awful. But I'll find other things I do like and eat those.

Stop over thinking and you'll be fine. Oh and stop asking them what they'd like.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

Well, make enough that they can cobble together a meal, but yo don't need to make a separate meal for everyone. I mean jeez, my parents always told me, "we're not short order cooks." I ate what they made or I didn't eat.

I think they'll be able to figure out what they can and cannot eat. I'm a vegetarian and went to a friend's party last week. She apologized for not having much I could eat, when in fact she did - she had ordered taquitos, asada tacos, shrimp, tortillas, beans, rice, salad, dressing, guacamole, chips and salsa. I made makeshift bean and rice tacos with condiments, some salad, and some chips. I was plenty full. I know what I can eat and I ate it. When I came back with a plate of food, my husband said, "wow, that looks good."

What kind of chicken are you making? If someone REALLY hates mushrooms, I''d stay away from marsala, but if you're doing it roasted or pan-fried, they'll live. Maybe roast chicken with gravy on the side, mashed potatoes, and a broccoli-rice-cheese or green bean casserole? And rolls and butter?

I know, I guess I'm a "fancy" eater - I love condiments, I love ethnic food and I love trying new things. So people who eat only "plain" food or the same things over and over annoy me!

rubyredlucy · December 2010

I think that it would be nice of you to make some small changes to give them some options, but don't feel you have to go overboard, especially for the picky eater. My aunt and uncle make 2 different meals every night because my cousin barely eats anything, and I think it's crazy.

I understand the gluten-free more because it's a medical reason. If the main dish and one or two sides are gluten-free, your MIL should be fine. Maybe suggest she makes a side to bring so she has some more control.

And the non-sugar drink seems like such an easy request to accomodate that I would just do it, especially since it's a party for her daughter. Water is boring.

sister2groom · December 2010

I'm sorry this is stressing you out so much, but I think most of these preferences you'd probably accomodate inadvertently anyhow.

A roast chicken (or other bird) is probably what I would do anyhow for a the main course. And chicken that's fairly plain (just a little oil or butter on the skin and a little seasoning is how I roast them. Then once you've added a green salad, dressing on the side, voila! MIL and SIL's FI have a meal. Anything beyond that is just extra.

I would also tell SIL and MIL those two menu items you've decided upon and let them decide if they want to bring something else.

As far as the shower goes, if we forget your MIL for a second, I think it would be nice to your other guests to have coffee or tea to cut the sugar.

sarah0725 · December 2010

People need to grow up and stop being so rude. Leave the cheese and sauce on the side? That's fine, if you're eight.

That said, though, I would make a good faith effort to accomodate dietary needs from allergies or vegetarianism. You might run your menu by FMIL and see if there are enough gluten-free options for her.

I might take up FSIL's offer to feed her infantile boyfriend herself, though. What a boring life she's going to lead cooking for him.

Snippylynn · December 2010

hahaha... I love Sarah.

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

Haha this makes me think of my future brother-in-law. He's 21 but THE Pickiest eater I've met. FMIL makes him separate meals EVERY time I eat over there. He only wants pizza or a ham sandwich (he even does this at holiday dinners with other family present). I think it's odd and a little childish, but whatever.

For your issue, I'd say accomodate the gluten-free as much as possible (people with Celiac disease HAVE to eat gluten-free, for instance, so it wouldn't be a choice per say), but you can of course have some things that aren't. As long as your main dish and one or two sides are, I'd say you're fine.

For sauces on the side, I would do that if it made sense (i.e. I wouldn't put out a huge bowl of sauceless, dry pasta for everyone). At some point, people are adults and unless it's a dietary restriction or allergy, they can just pick around what they don't like, like we all learned growing up.

bdulli13 · December 2010

I have Celiac and have to follow a gluten/wheat free diet. It can be very stressful to go to other peoples houses for dinner, but I have never made a special request. A menu of salad (no crutons, and be sure to use italian or other clear dressing, or any dressing by Bolthouse) an appetizer, and chicken would be fine, just be careful that whatever you marinate the chicken in or use as sauces is gluten free. Gluten can be found in things you would never imagine, like gravy, dressings, veggie dip, etc. However, Mashed potatoes, veggies, etc. are all great options, like MKrupar said. In fact, if you want to go the extra mile, Betty Crocker just came out with gluten free Bisquick and you could even make rolls. There is also a line of her easiest desserts that are gluten free and delicious-- brownies, cookies, and cake mixes. I have fed them to "regular" eaters numerous times, and they can't tell one bit of difference!

If you want to PM me, I will gladly offer you menu advice or answer any questions you may have.

That said, I think asking for a sugar free drink is over the top. Water should suffice. As far as your FBIL, it shouldn't be too hard to put things on the side, but don't kill yourself trying to bend over backwards.

Good luck :-)

EDIT: Just make sure you don't fry the chicken. It becomes very un-gluten-free when you do ;-)

srkropf · December 2010

Wow, pretty sure my 8 year old isn't this picky. What I would do is make the dinner and not worry about it. Those attending will either eat, like big boys and girls, or go hungry and hopefully keep their mouths quiet. Guest should not dictate what they are served, as our parents taught us, unless there is a specific dietary concern, like the gluten for knees, diabetes, or such. I would make your chicken dinner however you're going to and for the shower, I would say water is a very appropriate non-sugar drink that anyone can consume.

musicalsunlight · December 2010

I have "picky" eating preferences but have NEVER stipulated menu choices to a host. I would not do it for my FI either. I can understand for allergies, gluten free, etc. But otherwise that is quite rude. As PPs have said, make what you want without too much regard to the picky BF, and have something substantial for the gluten-free eater. Other than that, people should be respectful enough to hold their tongue.

squirrly · December 2010

Here's the thing. This isn't going to be a one-time deal. This is going to be over and over. So, you might as well familiarize yourself with a menu or two that you can fix, that's not too tough or expensive, that will accommodate these people. I don't think you need to be prepared to switch it up each time you have them over, but I do think it's appropriate to have a good go-to menu you can prepare for them.

There are lots of good ideas in this thread, and there are tons of great resources on the internet.

As for the sugar-free drink - I'd pick up something that's appropriate as bottled and call it a day. I'm sure you can find a sugar-free lemonade or something similar. If you can find it in 20 oz bottles, you can just keep it on hand for her and save yourself some shopping hassle.

ETA: I don't think PPs are wrong regarding how inappropriate it is for guests to ask for these things. But, they have. And they're family now. Alienating them over a menu probably isn't the way to go. I was raised the same way most of the other posters were - you eat what's in front of you. My H is picky. My family, who has never tolerated a picky eater before, makes sure there are a few things at each meal he'll enjoy. We don't tailor the whole meal to him. But we will add something he likes if we're worried there's not a lot on the menu already that suits.

To me, hosting your guests means doing what's feasible to make them happy and comfortable, and some thoughtful menu planning can achieve that here, it seems.

noodle_oo · December 2010

maybe you should host it as a pot luck. that way MIL and SIL can bring dishes that they (and H) can eat and it leaves the pressure off you to try to accommodate them all. Or at least make a main dish and have them bring sides that compliment it and also meet their dietary restrictions.

I agree with PP though. Allergies, like nuts, gluten or other diets that people are on for medical reasons i'm willing to accommodate. But when people say they "prefer" their food a certain way, it is rude to ask the host to accommodate that. Seriously, do they not have any manners when you are going out of your way to pay for and prepare a meal for them?

rubyjem00 · December 2010

Thanks for the advice. Like a PP said, most of this will probably work itself inadvertantly (like a turkey breast for dinner which is gluten free). Plus, I am more willing to accomodate MIL's gluten free diet because I know it really does help her health. I was a bit shocked when this all came up because I was taught to just whatever was put in front of me and smile.

Thanks again!

tenofcups4me · December 2010

For a dinner for five people, all of them family, yeah, I'd accommodate their dietary needs and preferences. The shower's a different story since presumably that will be a lot more people and harder to control every single aspect so something might have to go (though I don't see anything wrong with MIL reminding you she'd like something sugar-free there). And no, I'm not a picky eater and don't have a list of things I willl or won't eat so I'm not basing this on my own preferences, just that I would want to know that kind of info about my new family.

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