Children at Weddings, NO!

mellowdee7 · December 2010

Hi Brides to Be!

For my wedding my fiance and I decided to make the age minimum 15 yrs old to cut out some of the younger children on my side of the family. Particularly my two annoying little cousins (ages 9 and 12) and my super adorable yet troublesome nephew (4 yrs old). We're having our engagement party next week and my sister completely flipped out when I told her she couldn't bring her son. She complained that its not fair to exclude kids just because I don't have any and that if she can't bring her son she won't be coming to the dinner or the wedding! Should I suck it up and lift the no kids ban or stick to my original plan and make things even worse with my sis?

salt78 · December 2010

It's your call. People have adult only weddings all the time. It's not like it makes you a terrible person. Your sister is being a pain in the ass.

pumpkinpumpkin · December 2010

Who's hosting the E party? And what does the E party have to do with your wedding?

Not having kids at your wedding - you should be prepared for some people to be offended and not come at all if they can't bring their kids. It's you and your Fi's choice to make.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

Say, "well, that's very unfortunate. I'll really miss you and I'm sad my own sister won't be able to see me get married."

Now, you CAN invite children of immediate family - so neices and nephews - and excluse other children, but it appears you don't want your nephew there at all. So don't cave. You cave on this, you'll start caving on other kids.

I had 2 young children at my 70 person wedding, and I really wouldn't have wanted more. Having 1 energetic 3 year old on the dance floor all night was enough.

FutureMrsTR · December 2010

Depends on how badly you want your sister there and how badly you DON'T want children there.

EDIT: I wouldn't give in because I don't do well with ultimatums like that.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:42ab583e-0f5b-463e-a350-df7722c04697Post:42a5f402-8270-4205-8bea-540fce2c967b">Re: Children at Weddings, NO!</a>:
[QUOTE]Who's hosting the E party? <strong>And what does the E party have to do with your wedding?</strong> Not having kids at your wedding - you should be prepared for some people to be offended and not come at all if they can't bring their kids. It's you and your Fi's choice to make.
Posted by pumpkinpumpkin[/QUOTE]

I think she mentioned that because she's only inviting people who are invited to the wedding to the e-party - which means no kids at the e-party, which is how sister found out about the plan.

fhorns147 · December 2010

It's up to you how important it is for you to not have kids there vs. have your sister there. I will say that you are certainly allowed to make rules like that as long as you apply them to everyone, and your sister is being rude giving you an ultimatum. If you think it might help, you can offer to arrange for babysitting during the wedding.

The Mel and Todd Show · December 2010

If you explained that she can't bring her son because he's troublesome, I don't blame her.

You and your FI are completely within reason to have an affair that includes adults only. However, you do need to be prepared to deal with those who don't agree with you. I, personally, don't understand it. I adore a night among adults. Even when my children are included on the invite, I RSVP for two and find a sitter. Not everyone feels this way, however, and some people will be insulted that their children are not invited. You need to determine with your FI (if you two are paying) if it is more important to you to exclude children, or to make the parents of those children happy. If you decide to stick to your 15+ rule, you'll simply need to be prepared for some guests to decline based upon this.

pumpkinpumpkin · December 2010

I suppose that makes sense Mery.

jerseydevil · December 2010

She's your sister that is your nephew! In my opinion they should be invited. I'd be inviting my brother's children. As long as you make a concrete cut off at a certain level of relation (ie. none of your cousin's young children) you should avoid most of the drama and politics. I don't want a lot of young children at my wedding either, but seriously, that is your sister!!

FutureMrsTR · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:42ab583e-0f5b-463e-a350-df7722c04697Post:52f527ad-0d33-4940-a99d-7c8d14aa831a">Re: Children at Weddings, NO!</a>:
[QUOTE]She's your sister that is your nephew! In my opinion they should be invited. I'd be inviting my brother's children. As long as you make a concrete cut off at a certain level of relation (ie. none of your cousin's young children) you should avoid most of the drama and politics. I don't want a lot of young children at my wedding either, but seriously, that is your sister!!
Posted by jerseydevil[/QUOTE]

I hate when people use the argument "She's your sister/grandmother/mother!" You don't know peoples' relationships with their family. They're not necessarily BFFs.

LuluP82 · December 2010

Not just that, but it seems like the nephew is part of the reason they're excluding all kids, so it makes little sense to have him be an exception.

Meg1979 · December 2010

I say stick to your guns. If your sister feels strongly enough about it, she won't come. You have to be prepared for that, but it will save the feelings of your other guests. You can't invite one kid from one family and not invite some kids from another.

mellowdee7 · December 2010

Thanks everyone for the advice. I do only plan on inviting people to the engagement party who are coming to the wedding. The party is being hosted by my best friend at a restaurant with a huge bar scene which I feel is inappropriate for a 4 year old anyway. In regards to the "she's your sister, he's your nephew comment" I love my sister to death, but she is famously bad for watching her kids. At my housewarming party she spent the majority of the party drinking and smoking on the balcony while my nephew ran around unchecked getting on everyones nerves. If she was more watchful I would definitely want my nephew to be there, but I know that if he comes the job of minding him will fall on someone elses shoulders, probably mine.

redheadfsu · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:42ab583e-0f5b-463e-a350-df7722c04697Post:52f527ad-0d33-4940-a99d-7c8d14aa831a">Re: Children at Weddings, NO!</a>:
[QUOTE]She's your sister that is your nephew! In my opinion they should be invited. I'd be inviting my brother's children. As long as you make a concrete cut off at a certain level of relation (ie. none of your cousin's young children) you should avoid most of the drama and politics. I don't want a lot of young children at my wedding either, but seriously, that is your sister!!
Posted by jerseydevil[/QUOTE]

Really? Come on. Not having kids at a formal event is not unusual. Who cares if it is her sister. OP wants an adult only wedding.

OP, just tell your sister that you are sad she can't attend & wish she would reconsider. Your sister is being a brat.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:42ab583e-0f5b-463e-a350-df7722c04697Post:52f527ad-0d33-4940-a99d-7c8d14aa831a">Re: Children at Weddings, NO!</a>:
[QUOTE]She's your sister that is your nephew! In my opinion they should be invited. I'd be inviting my brother's children.
Posted by jerseydevil[/QUOTE]
oh please. no, she doesn't have to.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

OP, your sister WANTS to set up this dichotomy where you have to choose to have her by inviting your nephew or not have her. I seriously doubt she'll follow through if you stick to your guns. Don't decide what's more important - not having her there or having your nephew there. That's exactly what she wants. Have the wedding you want with the people you want. Also, do your parents know about this? Do they have an opinion?

MRads · December 2010

FWIW, Im inviting my nephew (who will be 18 months) and my new neice/nephew who will be three months at the time of the wedding, although we will be having a no kids reception. We will, however, hire somebody to watch my nephew and neice/nephew and there will be a separate room for them at the reception. My sister did this for the pastor's kids (3 and 5 - as the pastor and his wife were from oot and knew nobody else in the city) and it worked out well. The parents were happy because their kids were close by, but they didn't have to constantly watch their kids either, as they were involved in the wedding. If you have the space, or if you're wedding reception is at a hotel, this could be an option. But, like PP said, you're under no obligation to invite the kid...and I DEF wouldn't invite him to the e party

noodle_oo · December 2010

Just my opinion, but I believe that children of your immediate family should be invited. They are your family, and I just think it is somewhat selfish to now want them there. But I know lots of people have adults only weddings, that is of course your decision. But I am not surprised your sister is upset, and you shoudl understand that she's upset because you are choosing to exclude her children, which is of course going to be a sensitive subject.

Anyway, all I'm saying is that you have to accept the consequences of your choice, one of which is that your sister might not come. So just decide what is more important to you and then stick to your decision. You can talk to her and try to see your point of view, but she doesn't have to agree with you and she might be offended enough to not show up.

LisaChris2011 · December 2010

I would at least invite the children of your immediate family. Try looking at it if the tables were turned. But what do I know, my "rule" for having children at my wedding is wacky: I'm inviting the adult children and 1 minor child of my aunt and uncle, mainly because I've kept in touch with this family; while I'm not inviting the minor children of my other uncle, for two reasons: I don't have an established relationship with uncle and only feel obligated to invite him in the first place, and I'm on a budget so why bother with inviting his 2 kids? So again, my way of inviting kids is out of sorts! But its how I'm doing it, I'm prepared for the negative feedback if I get it and I really don't care. :-)

garcias1 · December 2010

I'm in the camp that you don't have to invite children of immediate family. But, since she gave you an ultimatum, I say the decision is entirely up to you. You know her best: will she cave and still come to the wedding even if her son isn't invited? Sidenote: you aren't asking your nephew to be a ringbearer or anything, are you? Because it might cause more problems that the nephew is in the ceremony but not invited to the reception.

FI's nieces and nephews are invited to our wedding as the only kids under 12. Both of his brothers and SILs said that they will not be bringing the kids to the reception, since they want to have a good time and not watch the kids the whole time (the 5 kids will be under the age of 5). So we won't have any kids under 12 at all.

garcias1 · December 2010

PS. If her kid was under the age of 1, I would say her guilt trip might be warranted, but in this case it's not. It shouldn't be an issue to get a babysitter for a 4 year old.

The Mel and Todd Show · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:42ab583e-0f5b-463e-a350-df7722c04697Post:d46caa21-36aa-46de-9bf1-ba82b0e8c10c">Re: Children at Weddings, NO!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would at least invite the children of your immediate family. Try looking at it if the tables were turned. But what do I know, my "rule" for having children at my wedding is wacky: I'm inviting the adult children and 1 minor child of my aunt and uncle, mainly because I've kept in touch with this family; while I'm not inviting the minor children of my other uncle, for two reasons: I don't have an established relationship with uncle and only feel obligated to invite him in the first place, and I'm on a budget so why bother with inviting his 2 kids? So again, my way of inviting kids is out of sorts! <strong> But its how I'm doing it, I'm prepared for the negative feedback if I get it and I really don't care. :-)
</strong>Posted by LisaChris2011[/QUOTE]

Well that's an excellent attitude to have.

lyndausvi · December 2010

I say do what you want.

That said if your wedding is really 4/12/12 then the kids you are trying to avoid could be almost 11,14 and 6 depending on when their birthdays fall. That to me makes a difference. A 6 year old is way different than a 4 year old (I admit it could be a good or bad different).

Since you do not have to invite your whole wedding guest list to an e-party I say DO NOT invite the nephew to the e-party, but maybe revisit the nephew coming closer to the wedding.

jerseydevil · December 2010

I happen to have a very close family, so that's the experience I can speak from. And to me it's unthinkable to not invite my neice or nephew. At the end of the day, you know your relationship with your sister best, so you need to judge whether it's worth standing your ground on this one or if you should invite your nephew to the wedding.

rebeccamat · December 2010

We're doing no children; no exceptions. A child being "close family" or not doesn't change the likelihood that it will cry/throw a tantrum/bother people/get underfoot/otherwise be annoying - and it's that, not the cost, that bothers me. I was apparently a bridesmaid at the age of 5 or 6 and I can't remember a thing about it, so I wouldn't feel bad for excluding young children. Thankfully I don't think we're going to have many objections to it; very few of our friends or family have minor children.

mkrupar · December 2010

I would not give in to ultimatum. I would however consider, instead of having 15 be the cutoff, making it 18 so it is truly an adults only event. Will the cutoff of 15 split any families? Do any of the families have a 16 and a 14 year old. That's the only time I have issue with cutoffs. My family uses the circle rule. If you invite one cousin, you invite all cousins. If you invite one cousin's kids, you invite all cousin's kids.

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

I say call her bluff.

It isn't rude, or selfish or anything to want and adults only wedding. It just isn't. I'd much prefer no exceptions to exceptions anyway.

But your sister is probably bluffing, because she probably thinks you'll cave. Go with the "I'm sorry you feel that way, you'll be missed" line. Either 1) she'll change her tune, or 2) she'll skip your wedding because of her own choice, not yours.

glam70s · December 2010

We're not inviting any children.. My niece will be about 14 months old by that point and she's the only child in the family, but I just don't like kids and my FI *really* doesn't like kids. As much as I love her because she's my niece, I don't want any fussy kids there.

My mother was very upset when she found out my niece would not be invited. Then we had a family funeral and my cousin brought her daughter, who is about the same age. The baby was giggling and chattering away throughout the entire ceremonial portion of the funeral. Because it's not crying, my cousin didn't think she needed to remove her child from the room, but the entire family was upset at how inappropriate and annoying it was to have a young child there. After that, my mom understood my point and now agrees that this wedding (for a couple who is not a fan of children) is not the place for a baby.

mahoganieyes · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:42ab583e-0f5b-463e-a350-df7722c04697Post:aa5351ee-d463-45fc-9af2-3c390f2b6af4">Re: Children at Weddings, NO!</a>:
[QUOTE]We're not inviting any children.. My niece will be about 14 months old by that point and she's the only child in the family, but I just don't like kids and my FI *really* doesn't like kids. As much as I love her because she's my niece, I don't want any fussy kids there. My mother was very upset when she found out my niece would not be invited. Then we had a family funeral and my cousin brought her daughter, who is about the same age. The baby was giggling and chattering away throughout the entire ceremonial portion of the funeral. Because it's not crying, my cousin didn't think she needed to remove her child from the room, but the entire family was upset at how inappropriate and annoying it was to have a young child there. After that, my mom understood my point and now agrees that this wedding (for a couple who is not a fan of children) is not the place for a baby.
Posted by glam70s[/QUOTE]

Thank you! My point of 6wks, 6 months, 6 years old or 16 people should respect that. FMIL and FI is throwing a biotch fit about me stating "no kids" because my fi cousin's wife is currently pregnant and the baby will be 6 months around the wedding and they also have a 1 y/o and I said no exceptions. Fi and FMIL claims babies are the exceptions! BS!

aprilmelissa1979 · December 2010

I agree with some of the previous posters. Dont give in. If you have a cutoff, stick to it no matter who it is. I have had to do this with very close family members and friends. If they choose not to come because of this--that is their right.

But dont give in. If your sister wanted to do anything else that included not having any kids there(ie going to the club, a friends b-day party or any other party) I am sure she could find a way to do it without bringing her kid. So for your wedding and engagement party she can find a babysitter.

If she doesn't like it. She should not come. Its rude of her to impose on your wishes, and for a party she is not even hosting! How rude.

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