Bridesmaid trouble! Please help!!

missglinda14 · July 2012

One of my bridesmaids is being really distant towards me and the bridal party the last few weeks. She hasn't responded to any message from me about the wedding, but will reply about other topics, she hasn't been involved with planning with the other maids either. She even lied to me and said she and my MoH have been doing a lot of planning, but my MoH said she hadn't even heard from her. A couple of weeks later when I asked her and her boyfriend to meet me and my fiance for dinner and she blew me off less than an hour before meeting, saying she didn't feel well. Her boyfriend came to dinner and when I asked if she was okay he said she was fine, that she was getting her nails done with his mom. If her behavior doesn't change soon, I'm thinking of kicking her out of the bridal party, but I'm not sure how to go about it. What is the correct way to do that without losing a friend?

banana468 · July 2012

You can't.

But you can sit down with her and say, "Hey, it feels like there's some distance between us and I'd like to know what I can do to make things better."

This is a friendship issue - not a wedding issue.

jagore08 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_rogue-bridesmaid-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4b97432-5d81-46d8-b550-92932fb29e3dPost:5fde7496-e923-4cf4-a3b5-a9d074541fe5">Bridesmaid trouble! Please help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids is being really distant towards me and the bridal party the last few weeks. She hasn't responded to any message from me about the wedding, but will reply about other topics, she hasn't been involved with planning with the other maids either. She even lied to me and said she and my MoH have been doing a lot of planning, but my MoH said she hadn't even heard from her. A couple of weeks later when I asked her and her boyfriend to meet me and my fiance for dinner and she blew me off less than an hour before meeting, saying she didn't feel well. Her boyfriend came to dinner and when I asked if she was okay he said she was fine, that she was getting her nails done with his mom. If her behavior doesn't change soon, I'm thinking of kicking her out of the bridal party, but I'm not sure how to go about it. What is the correct way to do that without losing a friend?
Posted by missglinda14[/QUOTE]

<div>If she isn't responding to your wedding topics it might be because she doesn't want to talk about it, and that's ok. No one is going to be as excited about this but you and that's because it's <em>your </em>wedding. If she doesn't want to talk wedding details then stop talking about them. She doesn't need to know everything. She doesn't need to help plan your wedding or even your parties. Would it be nice if she wanted to, yes, but it's not a requirement.</div><div>
</div><div>As for her lying about her excuse for not going to dinner, did you ask her why? Have you asked how she's been doing? </div>

aerinpegadrak · July 2012

So she's talking to you about everything else, but not about the wedding? It seems pretty obvious that she doesn't want to talk about the wedding for whatever reason, and she's well within her rights there. The only things she absolutely has to know are the details about the dress and when and where she needs to show up for the rehearsal and ceremony. Lay off of anything else. If she's interested, she'll ask. She's under no obligation to do any planning, this is your shindig and your responsibility.

And forget you ever considered kicking her out. It's a friendship ending move, and ending a friendship because she's not interested in something that's not happening to her is horribly petty and childish.

missglinda14 · July 2012

I should rephrase. When I say "planning" with the other maids, I mean getting to know each other and throwing out ideas to think about for later when the planning really gets under way. Also, I have barely talked to her about the wedding since I first asked her 6 weeks ago to be a bridesmaid. A few weeks ago, I asked her if my MoH made first contact with her and she replied with "Oh yeah, and we have done so much planning already." I know the wedding is a long while away and even told her there was no need to do actual planning yet, but she insisted that she was excited and wanted to hit the ground running. But when I askes my MoH about it, to let her know she could slow down, she said the only contact she had had with the bridesmaid in question was that she accepted her Facebook friend request. What I'm worried about is the lying, lack of desire to even talk casually to the other maids, and the fact that she may be letting her relationship with her boyfriend she was upset that I got engaged before her and has since pressured him relentlessly to propose affect our relationship because I'm getting married and she's involved.

aerinpegadrak · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_rogue-bridesmaid-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4b97432-5d81-46d8-b550-92932fb29e3dPost:263a2f1c-2446-41f2-b817-9a1f573114e9">Re:Bridesmaid trouble! Please help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I should rephrase. <strong>When I say "planning" with the other maids, I mean getting to know each other and throwing out ideas to think about for later when the planning really gets under way.</strong> Also, I have barely talked to her about the wedding since I first asked her 6 weeks ago to be a bridesmaid. A few weeks ago, I asked her if my MoH made first contact with her and she replied with "Oh yeah, and we have done so much planning already." I know the wedding is a long while away and even told her there was no need to do actual planning yet, but she insisted that she was excited and wanted to hit the ground running. But when I askes my MoH about it, to let her know she could slow down, she said the only contact she had had with the bridesmaid in question was that she accepted her Facebook friend request. What I'm worried about is the lying, lack of desire to even talk casually to the other maids, and the fact that she may be letting her relationship with her boyfriend she was upset that I got engaged before her and has since pressured him relentlessly to propose affect our relationship because I'm getting married and she's involved.
Posted by missglinda14[/QUOTE]

Yeah, they're not required to do that. At all. They're friends with you, they're not a new social group. My BMs weren't in the same room together until about 5 hours before the ceremony. They socialized and chatted like adults at the wedding, then went back to never seeing each other again afterwards. The wedding still went very well, and it wasn't remotely a problem that they'd never interacted at all before that day. I've also never gotten to know the other attendants in advance at any wedding I've been in. Life isn't a movie, where the writers need some premise to keep all of these minor characters in play, and so show them all hanging out together in every scene.

I think you really need to adjust your expectations here. Maybe she's lying to you because you're giving the distinct impression that you expect her to be doing more for the wedding, even if you're saying that she doesn't. Really, all she needs to do is get the dress and show up. End of story. Not "and plan me a party," not "and get to know the other girls," not "and sort out all of the details that are my responsibility." If she offers to do more, great, but if she doesn't, she hasn't failed or been a bad bridesmaid.

Again, the pretty clear answer here appears to be to stop talking about the wedding entirely with her. When it gets close enough that it's time to start talking about dress shopping, then you can bring up that aspect. Especially if you know that she's smarting a bit because you're getting married and she's not; a good friend would be sensitive to that and not keep rubbing it in.

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

1. Your wedding is October 2013. Stop talking to her about the wedding and I'll bet you'll see a change in attitude from her.

2. Your WP is not there to be unpaid wedding planning help. If you and your FI cannot handle throwing this party on your own, then you need to make room in the budget to hire a professional wedding planner.

mbcdefg · July 2012

If she felt the need to lie to you, then she's obviously scared of your reaction to the truth. And if your automatic solution to this situation is to kick her out, then she is probably correct to be scared of your reaction.

Ali092011 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_rogue-bridesmaid-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4b97432-5d81-46d8-b550-92932fb29e3dPost:263a2f1c-2446-41f2-b817-9a1f573114e9">Re:Bridesmaid trouble! Please help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I should rephrase. <strong>When I say "planning" with the other maids, I mean getting to know each other and throwing out ideas to think about for later when the planning really gets under way.</strong> Also, I have barely talked to her about the wedding since I first asked her 6 weeks ago to be a bridesmaid. A few weeks ago, I asked her if my MoH made first contact with her and she replied with "Oh yeah, and we have done so much planning already." I know the wedding is a long while away and<strong> even told her there was no need to do actual planning yet</strong>, but she insisted that she was excited and wanted to hit the ground running. But when I askes my MoH about it, to let her know she could slow down, she said the only contact she had had with the bridesmaid in question was that she accepted her Facebook friend request. <strong>What I'm worried about is the lying, lack of desire to even talk casually to the other maids</strong>, and the fact that she may be letting her relationship with her boyfriend she was upset that I got engaged before her and has since pressured him relentlessly to propose affect our relationship because I'm getting married and she's involved.
Posted by missglinda14[/QUOTE]

Your BMs absolutely have no obligation to help you plan your wedding. Most people on here will tell you that at the MOST, their BMs went dress shopping with them. Despite what you see in movies, BMs do not exist to help you choose your flowers, interview DJs, and go to cake tastings (although most BMs would probably love to do that last thing!). If they volunteer to help with a particular aspect and you actually need their help or want their input, you can graciously accept, but you don't need to be delegating tasks. What exactly did this BM want to "hit the ground running" to do?

Yes, I would worry too if one of my BMs started lying as a way to avoid hanging out with me. But I would worry if ANY friend did that. As PPs said, this is a time to work on your friendship, not to worry about the impact it will have on your wedding a year from now.

She definitely doesn't need to talk with the other BMs or form a lasting friendship with them. Last wedding I was in, the MOH contacted me about the shower and b-party and that was it. We had a lovely time together at the wedding and pre-wedding parties, but I haven't spoken to her since. Your BMs don't need to meet for Saturday nights at Rockin' Sushi just because they were in your wedding together. ;)

tidetravel · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_rogue-bridesmaid-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4b97432-5d81-46d8-b550-92932fb29e3dPost:28c71596-c68a-4618-98e7-33ef568c6958">Re:Bridesmaid trouble! Please help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]If she felt the need to lie to you, then she's obviously scared of your reaction to the truth. And if your automatic solution to this situation is to kick her out, then she is probably correct to be scared of your reaction.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

*like*

MyNameIsNot · July 2012

Reason 467 why you don't ask your BMs so ridiculously early. It's too far to have even asked anyone yet, much less be considering ruining a friendship because she isn't interested enough in your wedding. Your wedding may be important to you, but it's just a party to everyone else. If you are going to expect it to be the most important thing to everyone for more than a year, you are going to ruin much more than just this one friendship.

And your back peddling makes no sense. First, you were complaining that she would not respond to communications about the wedding but responded to everything else. Next you say that you've barely talked to her about the wedding. Those two things cannot both be true.

RebeccaB88 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_rogue-bridesmaid-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4b97432-5d81-46d8-b550-92932fb29e3dPost:263a2f1c-2446-41f2-b817-9a1f573114e9">Re:Bridesmaid trouble! Please help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I should rephrase. When I say "planning" with the other maids, I mean getting to know each other and throwing out ideas to think about for later when the planning really gets under way. Posted by missglinda14[/QUOTE]

Your expectations are way out of line. They don't have to do any of this, and you shouldn't be asking them to. The wedding is the responsibility of your and your FI to plan, no one else's. if someone offers, then you can take them up on it, on their terms, or do it yourself. If you can't do it yourself, you need to hire someone, or elope or go to the courthouse. No one has to care that you're getting married. All they're required to do is to get the dress and show up clean and sober, walk the aisle, hold some flowers, and smile for the pictures. If you expect more of them than that, again, you need to hire people to do it for you.

And like PPs said, you have a friendship problem, not a wedding problem. You shouldn't have asked anyone this early anyway.

ChristinaB2010Wed160673 · July 2012

Take it from somone who has posted about this before, don't lose a friendship over this. My wedding is almost 2 years away, and i've barely talked to anyone let alone ASKED anyone to be in my wedding. As someone else previously posted, most people aren't as excited as you are. Trust me. Like someone here told me, this is why we are here.

We all get giddy and excited for you when you hit a millestone with your wedding.

Bridesmaid trouble! Please help!!

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