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Etiquette

VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws

My future in-laws agreed to contribute $2,800 for the alcohol at our wedding. My mom is paying for most of the wedding, except for the officiant, DJ, favors, and hair/makeup, which I'm paying for myself. My FFIL claimed he sent a check in the mail to my mom but that it was intercepted and cashed at a local SunTrust. Sounds cynical, but my mom and I were both pretty skeptical since he has a history of being shady with money (withdrew my FH's scholarship money from a joint checking account back when he was in college). They agreed to send my mom another check to 'hold' until the funds become available. This was about three weeks ago, and we haven't heard a peep. My mom is starting to develop resentments toward FH's family and is now saying that if she doesn't get the money by the end of July, that we are going to cut down their guest list (FMIL had previously given me a fairly large list of people that included friends of the family and people living in other states). She thinks they have a lot of nerve to send us a list of people when they may not be contributing. I tend to agree - what do you guys think? I'm just upset that we're already starting out that relationship with a lot of tension and resentments.

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Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws

  • Based on what you said about FFIL I wouldn't count on any money from FFIL. If you get the money, do something extra but I wouldn't budget or plan on money not in hand.
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  • meganb1977meganb1977 member
    1000 Comments
    edited July 2012
    Ditto pp.  You don't HAVE to have a full bar, or any alcohol at all, in order to adequately host your guests.  If you can't count on the contribution from your fiance's father, see about scaling back your beverage selections.  We had a limited bar with beer, wine, and soft drinks and it was fine; or even just punch is fine if that's what you can afford.  If the beverage options are important to you, scale back something else that's not as important to you.  Then if the contribution for the alcohol does come through you can see about upgrading your beverage selections or splurging on whatever you were going to forego in order to be able to afford the alcohol.

    I understand your mother's resentment, but although she may have been expecting your fiance's family to contribute, it's not a requirement that they need to contribute anything.  It's not even a requirement for your own parents to pay for anything.  If the guest list needs to be scaled back to stay within budget, it should be across the board where your parents, your fiance's parents, and you and your fiance will each have to leave off a proportionate number of people. Perhaps if fiance's parents are faced with trimming the guest list to stay within budget, if it's a simple matter of fact request instead of something done out of anger and resentment, it will incite them to contribute as originally expected. 

    I do hope your fiance is on your side with all of this! If the two of you are united, that's what's most important.
    Whoever said it was supposed to be happily ever after is a big fat liar.
  • Since his money was supposed to fund the acohol, I think cutting back on the alcohol is the logical answer. While it does suck that FIL isn't coming thru as he promised, there really isn't much you can do. It is unfortunate they were able to have their guest list requests accomodated and are not weaseling out on their contribution, but honestly I feel cutting their list might cause irreparable damage. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:e2447765-781a-4ba0-bcb5-d38fe937bb56">Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't know. If I was paying for my daughters wedding and her future in laws said we will contribute x dollars and for whatever reason didn't, I would probably have to cut the guest list to cover that amount. I don't think I would do it for them but maybe mentioning to future in laws that since the budget has changed we need to reduce the guest count and giving them the option of choosing who to cut or coming up with the cash they promised could be ok. I guess it depends on whether or not the invitations have been sent though. Have they OP?
    Posted by Dot Dash[/QUOTE]

    <div>I tend to agree with the above.  I think the issue here is that they are going back on a promise that you were counting on.  That's super agrivating.  I think it's reasonable to cut back the wedding to what your budget can allow.  If they have a problem with it, you can just explain that this is what works for your budget.  I'm not sure I would cut down the guest list, unless they were inviting a ridiculous amount of people and you were only going along with it because they were paying.  Otherwise, I think I would cut back on other things.</div>

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

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  • Disagree.  They are grown ups, I am assuming offered to contribute, now aren't.  I think if a famliy member makes you that sort of commitment you should be able to rely on it even if the money isn't in the bank.  Not to mention they are shady to make an excuse that someone else cashed it.

    For most people, including myself, not hosting alcohol isn't an option.  Why should the couple have to compromise on what is important to her and her mother in order to accomodate FMIL's friends?

    However, I think the conversation has to be started by your FI.  "Mom and Dad, we understand you cannot contribute to the alcohol.  However, without cutting back the guest list LMW's mom and LMW and I will have difficulty paying for the wedding." Dpn't make it about just them cutting the guest list, pose it as everyone cutting back.
  • First thing, discuss this with your FI.  I would  the guest list (theirs in particular) if they don't deliver what they promised.  I'm quite sure they know that they had no obligation to do anything.  Promising something and not delivering is something else entirely

    I would NOT cut out the alcohol, perhaps just wine, beer and a specialty cocktail?
  • pokepoke27pokepoke27 member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited July 2012
    I'm not trying to be harsh, but why did you count on his money if he has a history of being shady? OP, you should use this as a lesson in the future. If someone you KNOW is unreliable offers money for something, plan on covering it yourself until the money is in your hands. 

    I think you have already received a few good options to go over with your FI. I think the two of you need to decide if you want to cut out/cut down on the alcohol or cut back on the guest list. Let your FI handle communication with his parents. Try to not make it sound like you are accusing them of lieing. Honestly, I don't think each side needs to know how many guests the other side has. So, if you do decide to cut their guest list (assuming that it is indeed larger than the other lists AND STDs haven't gone out) you don't need to justify it. "Due to the money issue,  we have to cut back. Everyone is making sacrifices." 

    Of course this all does depend on wether or not your STDs have gone out. If you sent out STDs then your only two options are to cut out/back on alcohol or find some way of coming up with the money. 

    I'm sorry you're dealing with this - it sounds like a very difficult situation. I hope everything works out for you. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:25ce374b-b09f-41c6-8bda-86812a582511">Re:VENT: Money Issues with InLaws</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:VENT: Money Issues with InLaws: Yes, but this isn't about her mother. This is about OP and her FI and consequences that could reach far past the wedding. Personally, if my ILs were the type to embezzle money from DH's college fund I wouldn't have actually believed they were going to contribute in the first place. And as I said, I fully understand being pissed. But doling out a "punishment" for them not paying will likely cause major issues. According to OP, she doesn't believe they should have ANY say in the guestlist if they aren't contributing, and I know from seeing it happen how badly that can damage family relations. I'm not suggesting they find an alternative to cut in the budget because I'm siding with her FILs. I'm suggesting it because the wedding is one day and ILs are forever. I wouldn't think it was worth the long term repercussions just to basically "teach them a lesson" now.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]


    I don't think we're dolling out a punishment - it's just the reality of the fact that my mom simply can't afford to pay for as many people as they would like to have invited. If it comes down to it, <strong>we're not planning to choose their guest list for them</strong>. We'd just need to give them a # of people that we can realistically afford (with the same # of guests on my side). Whoever they decide to invite within that allotted amount is their choice.

    As for the alcohol,  the open bar is included in the hotel's wedding package. I may be able to have it reduced to beer and wine, but I don't feel like I should have to get rid of all alcohol for a late evening reception.

    Like ootmother2 said, offering something and not delivering is an entirely different thing. If they foresaw it being an issue, they should have had an honest conversation with their son about what they could realistically do. If it turned out that they couldn't contribute anything, I would have been fine with it. The dishonesty is what bothers me. Their behavior is what's causing our relationship to start off on the wrong foot, not me.

    Thankfully, we haven't sent out any invitations, but we'd like to get this resolved by August before we place our order with Vistaprint.
  • lauraanne9lauraanne9 member
    100 Comments
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:c278eeb7-3153-4ef0-a25a-501fb81eddb0">Re:VENT: Money Issues with InLaws</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:VENT: Money Issues with InLaws : I don't think we're dolling out a punishment - it's just the reality of the fact that my mom simply can't afford to pay for as many people as they would like to have invited. If it comes down to it, <strong>we're not planning to choose their guest list for them . We'd just need to give them a # of people that we can realistically afford (with the same # of guests on my side). Whoever they decide to invite within that allotted amount is their choice. </strong>As for the alcohol,  the open bar is included in the hotel's wedding package. I may be able to have it reduced to beer and wine, but I don't feel like I should have to get rid of all alcohol for a late evening reception. Like ootmother2 said, offering something and not delivering is an entirely different thing. If they foresaw it being an issue, they should have had an honest conversation with their son about what they could realistically do. If it turned out that they couldn't contribute anything, I would have been fine with it. The dishonesty is what bothers me. Their behavior is what's causing our relationship to start off on the wrong foot, not me. Thankfully, we haven't sent out any invitations, but we'd like to get this resolved by August before we place our order with Vistaprint.
    Posted by lmw315[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I don't see an issue.  If you have to reduce the size of the wedding because you did not receive an expected financial contribution, and are reducing ALL sides of the guest list (yours, FILs and your parent's) I don;t see an issue.  Well, that's not entirely true...I see them making an issue of it, but there is not much they can complain about.  $2800 is a LOT of money for the average wedding, so losing that money would require some changes.  I think anyone reasonable would know that.</div><div>
    </div><div>However, what I would say is something along the lines of "as we haven't received the chek and the deadline to book the venue" or something like that.  Don't say "because you lied and are not sending money"...be, and I hate to say it, LOL somewhat less than direct when discussing the change and the reason why.  

    </div>
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  • 've talked to my FH and he agrees that we'll need to make equal cuts to the guest list if they don't come through with the money. At this point, there's not much I can do if they make an issue about it. What do other women do? Let their FH's parents invite whoever their hearts desire with no thought to who's fitting the bill? I know 'etiquette' says the family of the groom is not responsible for paying for anything, but I'd feel pretty guilty inviting a ton of people knowing that a single parent is struggling to make it work financially. Whether it's 'right' or 'wrong' in the traditional sense, it's just downright rude.

     
  • In Response to Re:VENT: Money Issues with InLaws:[QUOTE]'ve talked to my FH and he agrees that we'll need to make equal cuts to the guest list if they don't come through with the money. At this point, there's not much I can do if they make an issue about it. What do other women do? Let their FH's parents invite whoever their hearts desire with no thought to who's fitting the bill? I know 'etiquette' says the family of the groom is not responsible for paying for anything, but I'd feel pretty guilty inviting a ton of people knowing that a single parent is struggling to make it work financially. Whether it's 'right' or 'wrong' in the traditional sense, it's just downright rude.nbsp; Posted by lmw315[/QUOTE]

    You "deal with it" by paying for your own wedding.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:ef4488c4-098e-4b08-add6-38c757e655e4">Re:VENT: Money Issues with InLaws</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:VENT: Money Issues with InLaws: You "deal with it" by paying for your own wedding.
    Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]


    Trust me, I wish I could so I could avoid all of this BS. I'm not in a position financially to pay for all of it, and I'm paying for any item that I CAN afford (DJ, officiant, favors, hair/makeup, etc.). My mom OFFERED to pay for the big-ticket items, as do many other parents.
  • I feel like I am in a similar situation. My FMIL told us multiple times that she wants to pay for the flowers and rehearsal dinner. However, my FFIL has told us that he wants nothing to do with it financially. She keps insisting that she's going to pull through even though she is on her own. I can't help but think of the worst. My parents have offered a significant amount to the wedding and they have said that if FIL's can't help than to cut my fiance's already small family from the list. I know that it is not a requirement for them to help out but I can't help but think that it's unfair to my parents. We have worked our budget out so it they can't help out we will be ok but I think I will be bitter knowing that my parents contributed and they couldn't.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:155a2bcd-b4f7-459b-8683-4585dd5e08af">Re:VENT: Money Issues with InLaws</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:VENT: Money Issues with InLaws : Trust me, I wish I could so I could avoid all of this BS. I'm not in a position financially to pay for all of it, and I'm paying for any item that I CAN afford (DJ, officiant, favors, hair/makeup, etc.). My mom OFFERED to pay for the big-ticket items, as do many other parents.
    Posted by lmw315[/QUOTE]

    Brides who can't afford their weddings save money and have long engagements, have budget weddings, or go to the courthouse.  Things like a full bar, a full meal, a DJ, etc. really aren't required. 

    It is great that your mom offered to pay, but that doesn't mean your future in laws should also be expected to contribute.  I think you are within your rights to give them a limited number of guests to invite, but it shouldn't be tied to their  lack of contribution. You are marrying into this family, so you probably really don't want to burn bridges over things like the wedding guest list.

    It stinks that your FI's father said he would contribute, then didn't but made up a story about it.  But it's also a little sad, because chances are he didn't feel comfortable saying no to contributing financially to your wedding.  If that issue is raised at all, imo, it should be your FI who discusses it with his family.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:8a2367e9-cef7-4aa1-a1e2-3367f8d284d6">Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel like I am in a similar situation. My FMIL told us multiple times that she wants to pay for the flowers and rehearsal dinner. However, my FFIL has told us that he wants nothing to do with it financially. She keps insisting that she's going to pull through even though she is on her own. I can't help but think of the worst. My parents have offered a significant amount to the wedding and they have said that if FIL's can't help than to cut my fiance's already small family from the list. I know that it is not a requirement for them to help out but I can't help but think that it's unfair to my parents. We have worked our budget out so it they can't help out we will be ok but I think I will be bitter knowing that my parents contributed and they couldn't.
    Posted by jjcarmine[/QUOTE]

    They are CUTTING his family from the list?!  How does your FI feel about this? 

    I have never thought about cutting my FI's family from our guest list because his family hasn't offered to contribute financially.  It is my FI's wedding too, and he wants his family there.  Then again, we are paying for our own wedding (although my parents have generously offered to buy my dress).
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  • Like I said, I don't have a problem with them not contributing. I just don't appreciate being lied to. I'm not the only person whose parent(s) have offered to help with wedding costs, so I don't appreciate the implicit assumption that I'm being entitled or unrealistic.

    Well, you know what they say about opinions....thanks for yours.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:2ae47d48-2f50-4435-8d66-dda59ff55dda">Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws</a>:
    [QUOTE]Like I said, I don't have a problem with them not contributing. I just don't appreciate being lied to. I'm not the only person whose parent(s) have offered to help with wedding costs, so I don't appreciate the implicit assumption that I'm being entitled or unrealistic. Well, you know what they say about opinions....thanks for yours.
    Posted by lmw315[/QUOTE]

    Well, it isn't entitled to accept a parent's offer to contribute financially to your wedding.  But, it may or may not be unrealistic to think that a guy who stole money from your FI's college fund is going to come through with $2800 for his wedding.  It might also be unrealistic to expect someone who has proven himself to lie about money to tell the truth about money.
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  • Cuss10Cuss10 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:2ae47d48-2f50-4435-8d66-dda59ff55dda">Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws</a>:
    [QUOTE]Like I said, I don't have a problem with them not contributing. I just don't appreciate being lied to. I'm not the only person whose parent(s) have offered to help with wedding costs, so I don't appreciate the implicit assumption that I'm being entitled or unrealistic. Well, you know what they say about opinions....thanks for yours.
    Posted by lmw315[/QUOTE]

    This made my day. I think people here have a mind fart and assume everyone who has an open and honest discussion with their parents about money is really just being a whinny brat expecting their parents to pay for everything.

    I think the first thing that needs to happen is a conversation with his parents that starts 'If you don't have the money, we understand. I know finances change and what was once possible might not be any more, just please let me know sooner rather than later.'This puts the blame for their inabliity to pay on the economy/other circumstances rather than calling him a liar. If they can't contribute then be honest with them that you have to cut back on the guest list.

    In the mean time:
    Try to find cheaper decorations- due to my own budget cuts I am alternating my center pieces between the more expensive ones I really like and smaller, cheaper ones.
    Cut one appetizer- that can bring down the cost per head substantially depending on you caterer and menu.
    Talk to you DJ and ask for a discount in exchange for free advertising at your event.
    Have your baker make a layer of cake out of Styrofoam and have a sheet cake in the back to serve.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:2ae47d48-2f50-4435-8d66-dda59ff55dda">Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws</a>:
    [QUOTE]Like I said, I don't have a problem with them not contributing. I just don't appreciate being lied to. I'm not the only person whose parent(s) have offered to help with wedding costs, so I don't appreciate the implicit assumption that I'm being entitled or unrealistic. Well, you know what they say about opinions....thanks for yours.
    Posted by lmw315[/QUOTE]


    I see what you're saying and I actually don't have a problem with the scenario where your mom paying so she gets to say.  If your FI's family doesn't contribute, they might be alloted a smaller number of guests.  That doesn't seem evil to me.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:cf93e365-93f9-45cb-b963-be46c1b6a34a">Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws : They are CUTTING his family from the list?!  How does your FI feel about this?  I have never thought about cutting my FI's family from our guest list because his family hasn't offered to contribute financially.  It is my FI's wedding too, and he wants his family there.  Then again, we are paying for our own wedding (although my parents have generously offered to buy my dress).
    Posted by nextrightthing[/QUOTE]

    We are also paying for our own wedding although we are accepting our parents' offers to help us. I would never cut his family from the list, my parents just don't think it's fair for them to contribute if FI's parents can't. My parents have no control over the guest list so whatever cuts we may need to make will be at the discretion of my fiance and I. But like I said, if FIL's can't contribute when the time comes around we will be ok bc we included those things in our budget.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:ee88f9e8-19b4-4473-a1ef-6c298c35709b">Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws : This made my day. I think people here have a mind fart and assume everyone who has an open and honest discussion with their parents about money is really just being a whinny brat expecting their parents to pay for everything. I think the first thing that needs to happen is a conversation with his parents that starts 'If you don't have the money, we understand. I know finances change and what was once possible might not be any more, just please let me know sooner rather than later.'This puts the blame for their inabliity to pay on the economy/other circumstances rather than calling him a liar. If they can't contribute then be honest with them that you have to cut back on the guest list. In the mean time: Try to find cheaper decorations- due to my own budget cuts I am alternating my center pieces between the more expensive ones I really like and smaller, cheaper ones. Cut one appetizer- that can bring down the cost per head substantially depending on you caterer and menu. Talk to you DJ and ask for a discount in exchange for free advertising at your event. Have your baker make a layer of cake out of Styrofoam and have a sheet cake in the back to serve.
    Posted by Cuss10[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You're funny. 

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:ee88f9e8-19b4-4473-a1ef-6c298c35709b">Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws : This made my day. I think people here have a mind fart and assume everyone who has an open and honest discussion with their parents about money is really just being a whinny brat expecting their parents to pay for everything. I think the first thing that needs to happen is a conversation with his parents that starts 'If you don't have the money, we understand. I know finances change and what was once possible might not be any more, just please let me know sooner rather than later.'This puts the blame for their inabliity to pay on the economy/other circumstances rather than calling him a liar. If they can't contribute then be honest with them that you have to cut back on the guest list. In the mean time: Try to find cheaper decorations- due to my own budget cuts I am alternating my center pieces between the more expensive ones I really like and smaller, cheaper ones. Cut one appetizer- that can bring down the cost per head substantially depending on you caterer and menu. Talk to you DJ and ask for a discount in exchange for free advertising at your event. Have your baker make a layer of cake out of Styrofoam and have a sheet cake in the back to serve.
    Posted by Cuss10[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>The decorations and the appetizer thing, maybe.  Advertising at the reception and a STYROFOAM CAKE????  Um...no.

    </div>
    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:2fb3cb6c-814c-43bd-ae63-36279b9b505f">Re:VENT: Money Issues with InLaws</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:VENT: Money Issues with InLaws: Not sure who that is aimed at, but of it's at me, don't get biiitchy because YOU wrote something that was obviously misleading and untrue. If I write a post about my knee hurting and talk about how crazy sex was last night with DH, I wouldn't assume people should intuit that the sore knee was really from a bike wreck when I was 13, KWIM?
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I don't think the way I worded my OP was untrue, but mmkay then. Simply stated that my mom was giving them a deadline to come up with the money. I think people are reading into this WAY too much. And again, I don't think it's unreasonable or harsh to set a limit on the number of guests, especially if it's equally affecting us (40 guests on my side, 40 on his). 

    I think we've just about beaten this proverbial horse to death. Sorry for being defensive, but I can't help but feel a little ganged up on and made to feel that it's MY fault for trusting someone. That logic is a bit flawed to me. I realize that based on our knowledge of FFIL's past issues with money, we may have been TOO trusting. This was years ago, and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Lesson learned.
  • Cuss10Cuss10 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:9af57d65-21cb-4a0f-b83e-908ecfa1cdc2">Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws : The decorations and the appetizer thing, maybe.  Advertising at the reception and a STYROFOAM CAKE????  Um...no.
    Posted by lauraanne9[/QUOTE]

    A Styrofoam cake is actually a really easy way to cut the budget. They decorate the cake with fondant and what ever else you want, you can even go over the top because it's not going to be eaten. Then the caterer takes the cake and your guests get a peice of the sheet cake in the back. No one but you, your FI and the baker know that it wasn't a real cake on display all night.
  • Cuss10Cuss10 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:f16b13ee-8d90-44d7-bdf5-6cedfca47d6b">Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws : Actually, it's really not in most places.  MOST of the cost of a wedding  cake comes from the time and supplies spent decorating it, which are the same whether it's cake or styrofoam underneath.  Now, you can often RENT a styrofoam cake for significantly cheaper (in the end) if you are willing to use a design they already have or will be using in the future for displays.  But you still pay a HEFTY deposit, the majority of which is refunded once the cake is returned undamaged.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Maybe in your experience, my baker actually suggested I go with a Styrofoam cake when I asked her how to cut the budget.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:f16b13ee-8d90-44d7-bdf5-6cedfca47d6b">Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws : Actually, it's really not in most places.  MOST of the cost of a wedding  cake comes from the time and supplies spent decorating it, which are the same whether it's cake or styrofoam underneath.  Now, you can often RENT a styrofoam cake for significantly cheaper (in the end) if you are willing to use a design they already have or will be using in the future for displays.  But you still pay a HEFTY deposit, the majority of which is refunded once the cake is returned undamaged.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Sorry to play devil's advocate but budget board begs to differ...  Seen a ton of posts about brides saving money by either having a fake tier(s) or less tiers with sheet cake in the back.  A lot of people do fake tiers so the cake looks better when on display instead.  We didn't go this route, but it was certainly an option presented to us as well.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:1eb8afd2-0709-4d1e-900d-24da55e375ec">Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws</a>:
    [QUOTE]'ve talked to my FH and he agrees that we'll need to make equal cuts to the guest list if they don't come through with the money. At this point, there's not much I can do if they make an issue about it. What do other women do? Let their FH's parents invite whoever their hearts desire with no thought to who's fitting the bill? I know 'etiquette' says the family of the groom is not responsible for paying for anything, but I'd feel pretty guilty inviting a ton of people knowing that a single parent is struggling to make it work financially. Whether it's 'right' or 'wrong' in the traditional sense, it's just downright rude.  
    Posted by lmw315[/QUOTE]

    I also come from a single parent struggling home... this is why we paid for the wedding ourselves.

    I don't think it's wrong to accept money from parents, and it sucks your FFIL is bailing on his contribution, but it's something you always have to take into consideration when other people say they will foot the bill and you don't have the money in hand yet.

    I think splitting the guest list 50/50 to where both sides take an equal hit is more than gracious and is probably better than cutting out the booze altogether.  Look at it this way, at least you'll get to spend more time with each individual guest.  BUT as PPs noted definitely let FI handle breaking any news to his parents, and make sure you're both on the same page before that happens.
  • I feel like my bank would side with me if my check was stolen in the mail, no?  Maybe I'm naive to trust them with my money.

    Regardless, I think cutting the guest list is a fine way to make up the difference as long as it's equal on both sides.  I also think offering just beer and wine is a fine option, but if that's not an option at your venue, then I could see the need to cut guests.
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-money-issues-with-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d82475f8-a723-4268-aa16-2e4d6a8cd2edPost:a4a54f0d-ee3d-42be-8263-7a4470ce9c62">Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: Money Issues with In-Laws : Well, then we're getting boned here in AR (which is probably true) and people in OK, OR, CA, TX, and CO are as well.  I would just suggest people check out the fake option before getting their heart set on it.  Here, it only drops about $75 - $100 off the price of the cake, and the sheet cake for the back makes half of that back up.  So, while it saves some money, it's not a huge savings in my area or in the area of most people I know who have looked into it (which is a lot). ETA: For the record, I did try to not make it a blanket statement of 'all the time everywhere', but could have done a better job.  Also, having been on the budget boards since they were first created, I can tell you that actually when it has come up in the past, the answers have often been either split down the middle or leaned more towards the 'not a great money saver' side.  But of course it just depends on who is logged on when.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    IDK my hometown is in TX so I'm not sure it's a whole area thing...  I think the main factor is what you want done with your cake and how intricate it is.  Fondant is expensive no matter what the base of the cake is...  If you have a fondant cake with intricate design I imagine the cost wouldn't be so different because either way it requires intricate handiwork.  On the other hand, if you're using buttercream or another type of frosting (or sometimes even simple fondant with little to no design) the price can really differ.
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